Chapter 14: home
Zuko sits on the porch floor. His legs are bent and tucked under his buttocks, thighs pressed together, hands placed on them with palms up, fingers folded, the tips of the thumb and the middle finger touching. His back is straight, eyes closed, black raven hair barely flutters by a gentle breeze. Now he is wearing new clothes that Katara bought him, they are much more beautiful; a dark-green tunic that length reaches his ankles, yellow trimmings and elaborate swirly patterns decorated at the edges, and baggy pants and dark brown boots are visible through the tunic's both-side splits.
But suddenly his peace and silence are clouded by a snort right next to him, followed by poking to undamaged side of his face. Zuko opens one eye and the first thing he sees is Sokka with a stick in his hands, way too close to his personal space. Seeing that he opened his eyes, the young warrior retracts.
"What are you doing here?" Zuko asks, visibly annoyed.
"What are YOU doing here?" Sokka re-asks, dropping the stick away. "You look frozen like a statue, I thought you might be dead or something, hahaha!"
"It's called meditation."
"Meditation? It doesn't look like meditation. What kind of pose is... this?" He stretches his both hands, pointing at Zuko.
"Vajrasana, the simplest pose."
Sokka sits down on the floor. "Can I try?"
"Sure. Anyone can try to meditate. Even you."
Sokka bends his legs and puts under his buttocks, when looks at Zuko as he puts his hands correctly. The Prince sits as if he's not here, again with his eyes closed, breathing deeply, but Sokka doesn't do the same, he just looks at him. One minute passes, the second one, and Zuko is still silent.
"So..." Sokka starts. "Have you entered the Spirit World?"
"What?" Zuko frowns. "Why do you think so?"
"Well... every time Aang sits in a meditation pose, he reaches the Avatar State or enters the Spirit World, so I thought you were trying the same. But you're not the Avatar and you can't, I guess."
"No, I can't."
"Then why are you meditating?"
"It helps combat depression and anxiety."
"Oh... um, you need this... lately?" The words aren't firm, but it's more like a state than a question.
"Don't mention it. My whole life is only a struggle."
Sokka is silent for a while again, not daring to talk about what is deadly hurting him, even though he knows that one day Zuko will have to say everything to the last detail. Sokka only knows that he and his Uncle were attacked by someone and separated from each other, and that Zuko isn't sure if his Uncle is alive.
Zuko never looks at him, probably trying to put aside all extraneous thoughts while meditating, but soon he gets up and reaches the edge of the porch, his eyes facing the distance. Sokka only sees his back. "Aren't you going to meditate anymore?"
"I meditated long enough. Remember, I rise with the sun." Zuko reminds and briefly tilts his head to the side. Sokka can swear he saw a genuine smile on his face for a moment, but then it was replaced by a thoughtful expression. "But now things are different. Everything has changed, even myself. I always thought I wanted things that I now realize I didn't. All I want now is peace. I want peace in my soul, but for that to happen, the world must be in peace too. No war. I never wanted a war, I didn't cause it, but some people don't understand it. And because I'm from the Fire Nation, they automatically assume I'm evil and that I want the war. Sometimes I feel like I'm responsible that my ancestors started that war, even though I know it's not my fault. You probably think the same as everyone else. Nobody cares what I feel and who I really am."
"You kinda showed yourself how evil you are by trying to capture our friend." Sokka shrugs. "But hey, everyone deserves a second chance."
"Do you think I have changed enough to get a second chance?"
Sokka gets up and approaches him. "You know, I'm sorry."
"For what?" A strong gust of wind brushes away his question. It's barely audible and Sokka has to strain his ears to understand.
"I was kind of wrong when I said we can't trust you and such. But now I see you're a pretty decent guy. And you know, I was over-protective about my sister, she spends almost all the time with you, and you were our enemy. But it doesn't matter to me now, really."
"It's alright. You have the right to be angry."
"No, I don't. Katara knew you've changed, but I refused to believe. I hurt her, and at the same time I hurt you. She's right, you've changed, I had to understand it sooner." Sokka sighs deeply. "I made a promise to my Father that I'll take care of my little sister, so I do. Although, she annoys me sometimes, she is still my sister."
"Sister..." Zuko whispers with bitterness in his voice. "I want my sister to love me the way I love her. No matter what she does, I can't deny she's my sister. It makes everything much harder. I don't want to be angry with her, I don't want to fight her, but I'm forced to."
"I understand, but not everyone is redeemable, I guess." Sokka cautiously, at first doubting, puts his hand on Zuko's shoulder, his fingers press into his green garment. "We are safe now. Your sister can't find our trace, we try to hide as much as possible after the chase. We couldn't sleep all night because of her, so Toph made fake tracks that your sister can't find us again. And she's probably traveling in the opposite direction by now." He laughs. "That's when Toph found you in the woods, a few days later. I don't think your sister will track us soon, we're in a distant place, almost no one knows we're here."
"Maybe it's for the best now." Zuko admits and raises his still bandaged hands to his face. "I don't think I could fight. Not now."
"Does it hurt? Your hands?"
"Not as it hurt at first. It's nothing. Don't worry about me, I'm not worth it." He stands silent for a minute. "What happened in the woods... what those earthbenders did to me doesn't outweigh what happened three years ago."
Sokka raises his eyebrows. Did he just said the earthbenders? Although it's not much, he finally knows who attacked Zuko, and it's still a progress. He doesn't want to force Zuko to say more so he stays quiet, and when he looks at Zuko, he puts his hand on his face. It takes a few more moments for Sokka to realize he's touching his scar.
"Oh..." He understands the hint, but his lips doesn't open to say more.
"It's alright." Zuko whispers. "I know you have questions, I don't know if I will ever have the strength to tell you what happened, but don't draw your own conclusions. It's not the way you probably think. It wasn't an accident. And it didn't happen because I was bad, but because I was weak."
Sokka opens his mouth to say something, but the squeak of the front door distracts his thoughts and he turns his head to see who's coming. Katara is standing in the doorway with a tray in her hands.
"Oh, you are here too, Sokka! Okay, I have breakfast, Zuko, do you want some? I made jasmine tea for you, I know it's your favorite."
"Thank you." Zuko utters, but he doesn't turn around at her to take the tray, his hands aren't healed enough yet to lift heavier things. Katara puts the tray on the floor, and Sokka jumps closer, but it's only one serving on the tray.
"Hey, where's my part?! Didn't I deserve food after I look after Zuko? Plus, I do it without your pressure!"
"You can go to the kitchen and pick it up yourself, you aren't hurt like Zuko." The girl smirks. "Also, I want you to look after him for longer, I plan to go to the market to buy fruits and vegetables. Aang and Toph went out to train earthbending again, so can you?"
"No problem! What can't I do for my little sister? Just give me to eat and I'm good at doing everything!"
Talking, they both go inside the house. Zuko is in no hurry to eat. At first he looks at already risen sun, the rays gently warm his face, then he turns around and kneels on the floor at the tray. A little hesitantly, he raises his hands to lift the cup, but he does it with his left hand, because his right is in a worse condition after Katara hit him with water whip to save him from a suicide attempt.
Remembering this, his face reddens. He is clearly ashamed; ashamed that he was sitting with a knife gifted by his Uncle, aimed at his neck; ashamed that Katara had to see him so weak and vulnerable. Usually he didn't show his weakness to anyone, but that time was different, he didn't care about anything but to end his endless suffering. It poisoned his mind and soul.
But he promised to Katara that he will try to be better, not to hurt her, and after that he felt better himself. He tries to understand her. Not yet understands all her efforts though, but enough to make a progress. He doesn't know how long it will take to finally be something else than an empty shell, he can't deny that now he is just trying to pretend he isn't. But it's understandable, and Katara knows he's trying so hard, even though he's still suffering. She wants him to decide himself when he will be ready to tell about the accident, and from time to time she keeps reminding him that he can do it and that no one will laugh at his failures because now they are friends and friends help each other.
Zuko starts eating slowly. Food slips hard down his throat, but he still eats, not wanting to hurt Katara. He doesn't want to torment himself even more by starving himself to death. Wants to try for her. For those who call him friend. Although it's hard for him to believe they're friends. Probably when he recovers, they will forget him just like everyone else. And eventually he will have to leave.
The boy doesn't feel when his eyes fill with tears. They begin to fall down his cheeks, he eats and whimpers, his shoulders tremble. He was right when he said he didn't deserve all of this. Even now he doesn't deserve all this care and love. All this food. This warm shelter. He is from the Fire Nation, from a place that the whole world hates.
He was bad, really, really bad...
He was more than a monster...
But not anymore...
But is it enough? Is it enough to just say you're not bad, cry on someone's shoulder like an innocent baby and everything will just magically go away? The last time he cried, when he begged for mercy, kneeling in front of his Father, he was ruthlessly punished, half of his face was burned, and the painful mark remained to this day. But then he knew he had acted badly, his Father made it clear to him that he had shown his weakness to the whole country. And now he knows nothing, he doesn't know what those people think of him, maybe they only care about him because they pity him, and later they will hurt him just like everyone else does.
Just like everyone else does...
He repeats this phrase so many times that it makes him believe in it more and more. He keeps too many things inside him, and unable to stay in they burst out with tears. But Zuko tries not to show his feelings as hard as he can, compressing the loudest scream that tries to break free of his throat. He tries to remember the moment when Katara whispered loving words to him, when she reassured him that everything will be alright, when she yelled at him, that if he pulls himself down into abyss, he will pull her down together. It sounded so... sincere. It seemed almost like a dream, but it was real. She said the truth, he hugged her delicate body and they both cried. He still remembers her warmth, the smell of her body, the silky dark brown hair in which he buried his nose. It was a special moment.
There is no way it was a lie...
Katara can't lie she cares about him...
And he can't lie he doesn't care about her...
Zuko finishes eating and gets up. Katara can't turn her back on him after what she did for him, right? And what if she does? What if she ruthlessly rips his heart out at exact the same moment he lets her in? No, he shakes his head, why should she do that? Unless it's some trick and she wants to hurt him just like he hurt her by taking her necklace.
No, he shakes his head again.
It sounded so sincere... There is no way it was a lie...
Zuko takes a deep breath and steps off the porch. A gentle breeze blows to his face and dries tears on his cheeks. Today is a hot day so he takes off his tunic, puts it on the edge of the porch and walks further down the footpath.
"Hey, Zuko, where are you going?" The boy turns his head to the door and sees Sokka running towards him. "You should stay with me, Katara will kill me if something happens to you!"
Zuko smiles briefly. "I just want to take a walk. It's been so long since I was somewhere else than my room. You can keep company if you're afraid I'll go too far."
"Sure. Katara said not to lose sight of you." Sokka annoyingly stares at his face. Zuko isn't bothered at all so he eventually stops and they both walk slowly down the footpath.
"You know, what you said before..." Sokka starts talking. "That you were weak. I don't think it's true. I don't know what happened, but I think you were very brave. It doesn't matter if you're strong or not, it's important that you try. And those who don't see your efforts and say you're weak are wrong." He is silent for a minute, hoping Zuko will say something. "From the beginning, I felt weakest in the group. They all can bend their elements; Katara bends water, Toph bends earth, and Aang can control all the elements. And I only have my boomerang. But it doesn't mean I'm useless. Maybe I'm a comedian in others' eyes, but I know who I really am. I try to help my friends, maybe I don't always succeed, but it doesn't mean they blame me for my failures. Because they are my friends, you know. Friends don't leave friends in trouble. I'm sure you can be useful to our group too."
"For our group... Do you really think I could be your friend?" Zuko raises his eyebrow. "After everything what happened? Can I just leave everything behind?"
"Of course you can! If you try and promise you will never try to capture Aang again."
"I..." The Prince lowers his head and thinks for a long time. He still remembers Iroh's words...
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
If we keep punishing those we deem cruel, then we're no better than the bad people ourselves.
These people took him to their place, despite that he was their worst enemy, can he just turn his back on them? Especially at such a difficult time when he has nowhere to go and has no one else to support him? No one who could be his... friend? No, Uncle always taught him that he has to atone for everything he did bad. And he knows he must to. Even if it means trampling his past life to the ground and laying his honor in dust.
"You know, we discussed this for a very long time when you were in a coma." Sokka speaks again. "We have been thinking for some time to ask you if you would like to be a member of our group. It would mean friendship and help for each other. And at the same time the family. What do you think about it? We know you have some problems with your father and your sister doesn't love you as much. You can have your home here, with us."
Zuko barely smiles. Sokka already knows what he's thinking about, he doesn't even need to hear any words. He knows he is confused, that he is not used to such kindness. He was used to cruelty and war for so long that he forgot what it means to love and be loved. The only person who sincerely loved him was his Uncle, but he never really showed his love back. And now it's probably too late...
"I haven't had a home for three years." Zuko finally whispers. "No matter where I was and what I did, I always longed home. I always missed the place where I spent my childhood and the place where my life imperceptibly turned into hell. But I know now, no matter where you are, it's more important that you are with people who love you. And when they love you, your home can be anywhere. You're right, my home can be here, with you."
To be continued...
AN: I just thought I need to focus more on Zuko's relationship with other characters than Katara, so here you are, the whole chapter for Zuko and Sokka.
P. S. I'm actually full of ideas for my story, but if you have, you can share your thoughts, I'd love to read them!
