Chapter 15: doubts and trusts


Dad's goint to kill you. Really, he is.

Zuko remembers the night Azula just came to his room and stated some absurd fact in a creepy voice. He could't believe when Azula offered him to find a family from the Earth Kingdom to adopt him, he thought she was trying to scare and hurt him, but now those words increasingly sound like an absolute truth in his head. His Father was constantly trying to get rid of him, giving him an impossible task to capture the Avatar, because at the time he was still frozen in the iceberg and no one knew if he would return. He didn't show up for a hundred years, the chance to catch him was zero, no one had been able to find him before, so Ozai hoped Zuko would never find him either and would never be able to return home.

It hurts him to think about it, but he can't pretend it's a lie. Not anymore. He just fooled himself thinking that Father would take him back with honor. But why he needs all that honor when there is no love?

Zuko lowers himself and slowly lies down on the ground, avoiding to put injured hands first on the surface. His body sinks into the grass, full of various colourful flowers. Sokka settles right next to him, still not letting him out of his sight. They are both silent, both immersed in their own thoughts, looking at the cloudless sky.

The warm breeze rustles the grass, Zuko closes his eyes and listens, the sound soothes him pleasantly. It reminds him of his childhood when he was lying under a bonsai tree in the Palace garden or enjoying the sunlight. Then everything was so perfect, Father loved him (or at least tried), Mom was still with him, only Azula was already as unbearable as she is now. Probably she kills turtle-ducks even now, but he can't see it anymore. But no, to kill them should be too childish and pointless, she can't enjoy hurting him. She better kill people he cares about to leave him as an empty shell.

Remember this, Zuko. No matter how things may seem to change, never forget who you are.

Mom disappeared for a reason. He could feel it. She wanted him to remain himself because she knew he would be left alone between two evils. She wanted him not to become like them so that he wouldn't forget his nature, but when he tried to be good, when he tried to show that he cared about people who fought for his country, he was the one who suffered the most. After that, before knowing it himself, he slowly drifted away. He was no longer the man he was before. He wasn't himself. And now, when he thinks about it, he hates that unruly self.

So what that Father burned his face? So what that Father hurt him? Does that mean he has to change to the person Father could love? That he has to become what he really isn't? To become a monster? He was just trying to mislead himself, all that time. He hated the sea, he hated his task, he hated his destiny, he hated his Father.

He was angry.

Now it's clearly brightens up in his mind as straight facts. He had plenty of time to think about it when he lay motionless and grieved for his Uncle, though he didn't really know what happened to him. It's Father's fault. He's wrong, not Zuko. Fathers are kind. Fathers support their children. Fathers never burn their children's faces just because they speak out of turn.

He was only thirteen...

Zuko's whole body shivers like a leaf in the breeze when he suddenly feels something approach. Something very light and delicate. For some reason he doesn't open his eyes and waits. Something light descends on the tip of his nose and for a moment he feels the urge to get up.

"Shhh... don't scare it." He hears Sokka whisper and restrains himself. What could it be? He slowly opens his eyes and greets a butterfly. Its white delicate wings barely flutter in the air, spread briefly, as if it's about to fly, then clench together again. Zuko tries to refrain himself from laughing, its tiny legs tickle his nose. The butterfly moves slowly from nose to the left side of his face, on the scar. It's the first time when something or someone than his Uncle has touched his scar, and instead of stepping back, he giggles quietly. It surprises Sokka, he had never heard Zuko laugh before. He barely saw him smile.

"See?" Sokka tries to stop himself from laughing, covering his mouth with his hand. "Even a butterfly loves your scar!"

Even a butterfly! It somehow brightens up Zuko's mood, even though the first second after those words he wanted to get angry because it's just so stupid! How can anyone like such a disgusting scar? And how can anyone joke about such a serious thing? Is Sokka always like that? Can he always brighten up even the darkest moods? And for some reason, Zuko feels he has to repay them all for trying to bring him back to normal life. He can't just lie and feel sorry for himself. He must live primarily for himself, for them, and for Uncle. Or maybe he's not even dead and he'll be able to find him? Who knows?

The boy makes a slight puff from his mouth and butterfly rises to the sky. Zuko watches tiny flapping wings until the butterfly completely disappears into the distance. He spends some time without opening his mouth, staring at the sky and just enjoying the silence. Sokka seems to be doing the same, although it's usually hard to make him shut up, he likes to talk a lot. Zuko tilts his head and looks at him. He lies with both hands under his head, holding the stem of the grass in his mouth, one leg bent and the other's ankle is placed on the knee.

"You know, I was prepared to die." Zuko starts. "I was done with the world, with my choices, with my destiny. I was tired of everything, and it was what destroyed me. But your sister seem to pull me back. I don't know how, but it works."

Sokka opens his eyes. "It really does."

"I should pay her for everything. She gives me far more than my Father. She is... friendly and sincere. I always thought Father cared for me, that he knew what he was doing. That he banished me because it was my fault, but... I feel completely different when I'm with your sister. I feel I can trust her. And I was never sure if I could trust my Father. I have always respected him because he is my Father, but it's not the same with her."

"Katara always acts like a Mother to all of us, no wonder you feel that way."

"No, that's not what I had in mind, she doesn't look like my Mother at all. What I meant was that I should feel safe with my Father, with the man I should love unconditionally because he is so close to me, my Father. But all I feel is fear. He never loved me enough. Azula has always been his perfect child, and I have always been in her shadow. If he really loves me... he shouldn't care that I'm not as perfect as Azula." Zuko turns his gaze away from Sokka. "And Katara... she was never that close to me, but I never felt scared when she was next to me. No matter I'm not a person she wants me to be, she still supports me. She doesn't want me to suffer, she's not looking for a chance to get rid of me. She could have done it when I was helpless, but she didn't. And my father would."

"Katara takes care of you because she wants to. Believe me, the war has destroyed many homes and lives, we can't allow more people to suffer, we have seen enough and we need to stop it. That's what normal people do. Your Father is the only one who is a monster."

Zuko lies silent and thinks for a while. Sokka tries to guess his thoughts.

"Katara promised she'll never leave me, but can you... convince me that she's not... lying and I can speak my feelings for her?" The Prince asks in a doubtful voice. "You know her better. I need to know."

"As far as I can remember, Katara helps people all the time. Even people from the Fire Nation." The boy sits up hastily. "But why do you care so much? I already told you, you are a member of our group, none of us will leave you. You belong to our family and that's all that matters."

Zuko doesn't respond. Sokka looks at him but can't see his face, he is turned to the other side, looking at the fence surrounded by tall climbing shrubs. Those shrubs have flowers, they are already fully grown, but for some reason they are still folded, although normally all the flowers unfold in the morning, when the sun rises. That strange phenomenon catches Sokka's attention for a moment and he wonders if Zuko is thinking the same thing.

Seriously? Sokka shakes his head. Why Zuko cares about Katara so much? Why does he need other opinions when Katara herself showed him how caring she is? What is he trying to find out?

Without thinking of anything, he lies back in the grass again and closes his eyes. They spend a very long time in silence. Zuko also lies with his eyes closed, the sun still warms his face, but soon everything is replaced by Agni Kai Arena, lighted by fire, full of unrecognizable people. Zuko falls on his knees and forearms, while looking at the floor. Someone is coming closer and closer to him.

You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher.

Zuko pushes himself up on his knees and hands as he starts to shake. Then he looks up at Ozai, petrified, tears streaming down his face. He keeps refusing to fight. He can't fight his Father, he just can't. He begs for mercy, believes that Father will forgive him if he sincerely regrets what he did. He's already so close... raising his strong hand at him. Zuko holds his breath. The hand reaches for his face and unusually gently cups his cheek. For a moment, it seems that Ozai is about to brush tears from his face, to accept his apology, then smile and hug him firmly. But his face looks as cold as ice. It scares Zuko even more, he freezes, unable to move. He knows something is coming, but he can't look away. Ozai raises his other hand, the boy sees fire flicker in his palm, fire that he ruthlessly...

Zuko gasps and sits up abruptly. Even three years later, those horrible nightmares still visit him, nightmares that constantly remind him of that day. As if it had happened yesterday, he clearly feels that burning pain and hears his scream, and it's hard to believe it's his own voice. His shoulders heave evenly, he pants rapidly, tiny raindrops fall on his face. The Prince raises his head, the sky looks darkened. How long had he been asleep and why didn't Sokka wake him up? He looks at the boy, well, of course his stupid companion fell asleep as well.

Zuko rises from the ground and leans over his face. Sokka snores quietly. "Hey, wake up, we have to go if you don't want to get soaked!"

Sokka frowns, opens his eyes, munches as if he had eaten something, then suddenly jumps on his feet. "Oh man! Why it has to rain all the time?!"

"Hurry up!"

They both rush through the yard to the door, Zuko grabs his tunic from the porch and they close the door after. Katara is already back from the market. When they come to the living room, she turns to them with a tray in her hands.

"Oh, you're finally here. Where have you been all the time?"

"Just nearby, until the rain hit us." Sokka complains. "That idiot fell asleep and didn't wake me up."

"Hey, you're the one who fell asleep and didn't wake ME up!" Zuko cuts off.

Katara smiles. If Zuko can already cut off, then he feels much better. "I made tea for you, I knew you'd come back at any time. Aang and Toph are probably on their way home as well."

Both boys sit on the wooden floor, Katara hands them cups and keeps one for herself. When Zuko puts his cup to his mouth, the girl looks at him intently and he smiles. He knows what she's thinking about, once he complained that her tea is awful, and she wants to know if this time a tea expert will say the same thing.

"I can teach you how to make Gyokuro tea." He says. "It's one of the best teas in the Fire Nation, we just need Gyokuro leaves. They are very expensive, but believe me, it's worth it."

"You fire benders love tea very much." Sokka notes.

"Trust me. We perform tea rituals very often and they can last up to four hours." Zuko rolls his eyes. "We used to do them in the Fire Nation Palace. It's a part of our culture, and Uncle couldn't resist not attending in all the ceremonies."

"But what's the point of that?"

"The tea ceremony is a spiritual process, in which we remove themselves from the mundane world, seeking harmony and inner peace. It makes our bending clean and smooth."

"We can do a tea ceremony some day if you want. Then you can teach me to do that... Gyokuro tea, or something?" Katara offers. "With snacks and everything. What do you think?"

"Okay, but it's not a simple..."

"Yay, tea party!" Sokka rejoices, raising his arms overhead.

Zuko can't help but smile. Although his life hasn't been very easy lately and he doesn't have the person he loves the most nearby, he feels safe and cared for. And loved. These people are trying to make him happy, and somehow, though it was very hard, they have been able to relieve his suffering. And he can finally feel like home.


To be continued...


AN: Another chapter for Zuko and Sokka! :D