Chapter 18: ghosts of the past
Bad people are just good people living in a bad world...
Zuko sits on the porch and thinks about the words Aang said. The sun has already descended beyond the horizon, but he still looks into the distance, as if trying to see something there. It has been too quiet here. Too quiet for too long. And it bothers him a lot. Something is going to happen. He doesn't know when, but it's going to happen eventually. That bad thought poisons his mind. Even if they hide from Azula in the best place they can hide, they can't hide forever, sooner or later they'll have to stand in front of her. And he'll have to be brave and make no mistakes. Every the slightest mistake can lead him to his doom.
The Prince flinches when his ears catch some ruffle of clothing.
"Why are you here all alone in the darkness?" It's Katara. He doesn't turn to look at her but he can feel concern in her voice. "As if you're expecting something."
"Trouble." He answers shortly. "You never know."
"Don't worry too much, your sister hasn't found us yet."
"You don't know Azula like I do. She never gives up, and she's so good on tracking. She can do anything, everything to implement her plans. Do you think she gave up on looking for the Avatar?"
"No, I never said that, I'm alert like you all the time. We're all ready if she finds us."
"But what are we going to do until she finds us? Just live a peaceful life and pretend that nothing's happening?"
"We aren't pretending that nothing's happening. We know what's going on, we just want to take a break from the war and allow you to recover from everything you have had to endure."
Surprised, Zuko finally turns to her. Although it's dark, he can clearly see her reddening cheeks. She stands at the front door, her hands crossed on her stomach, fingers cling together, and she stares nervously at the floor.
"I know how worried you are about me, but I'm good now, I can fight."
"That's not the case. If you can fight, it doesn't mean you want to, does it? I mean, not now, there will still be a day when we join the battle to help Aang defeat the Fire Lord. Will you... be there when he needs us?"
"I had a lot in my mind lately." He admits. "Can we take a short walk?"
"Sure." Katara agrees, her legs quickly get off the porch and end up on the footpath. She turns to look at Zuko also getting off the porch, and when he finds himself next to her, they begin to slowly move forward.
"Why were you so upset at the dinner?" She asks unexpectedly. "Is it because you couldn't sit at the table with us?"
"It's nothing." He replies with a sudden sadness in his voice. "When I saw you sitting together at the table... it's like... that table was created for four of you, without me. I thought it was destined for you to be without me, that maybe it's much better because I should be your enemy and it shouldn't be otherwise."
"Zuko..." Katara looks at him with her gentle eyes. "It's just a stupid table."
"I know, I know, but still..." Zuko sighs, his fingers sink into his hair. "You looked like such a perfect group that didn't need any other member. I felt unwanted."
"Don't think about such things, you're not unwanted, you're needed. You know what I think of you and you know it's not true."
"Yeah, but I can't help myself, I'm always ready for the worst. I was born ready." He says bitterly, but his voice softens. "But if it makes you happier, I'm a little better now, because I started to feel like I'm a part of your group, I realized I didn't need anything else as long as I have you. You treat me like a real friend, even though I did so many bad things. My Uncle was right, he always taught me that I have to be forgiving and give people a chance, that I have to treat people the way I want them to treat me."
"An eye for an eye, right?"
"You know those words too, don't you?"
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Katara finishes. "Yeah, I know. Your Uncle is a wise man. I just wonder how you ended up being so bad?"
"It's a very long story."
"I have time. Would you mind to tell me at least something?"
"I don't think you want to hear it."
"Why? Do you think your story would change my opinion about you?"
"No, it wouldn't. I just don't want you to feel sorry for me. You felt sorry for me long enough."
"There's nothing embarrassing to talk about your problems, especially with your friends." Katara stands in front of him so he can't go any further, her eyes pleading. "We are not here to hurt, but to help you, we'll never laugh at you, I promise."
"You think I have to tell others too?"
"No, you don't have to if you're not ready. You can tell me at first, and I know it sounds selfish, but..." The girl tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, her shoulders tighten as she feels uncomfortable.
Zuko looks at her face for a moment, at those bright blue orbs that look like two big lakes in the dark. "You really want to know so badly?"
"Sorry if I'm too nosy." She whispers timidly, her hope fading away. She doesn't know why, but she's dying to know that it aches. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't need to know anything about you. Maybe I can't be attached to you."
"It's alright. It's probably my own fault." Zuko can feel frustration in her voice, and for some reason he feels guilty about it. She wants to open her heart for him and expects the same from him, but he just constantly pushes her away. "Maybe it's time to change some things. But I'm not sure what exactly to say."
"You can say whatever you want. About your childhood, relationship with your sister, father and mother. Anything."
"Mother..." Zuko whispers, sadness radiating from his voice.
They walk further down the footpath and sit on the grass, by a small hill, where Zuko had previously sat with Sokka. Before he speaks, Katara clasps her bent legs with her hands, thinking. He never talked about his mother, and she never heard of her from others, no one from further countries knew who she was, as if she didn't even exist. It worries her, especially when Zuko got so upset after remembering her.
"What happened to your mother?" The girl inquires hardly, trying to gain her courage.
"I don't know." Zuko sighs, looking at the fence in the left side to the hill. "She just disappeared. The only thing that left of her is a stupid picture, but it's in the Fire Nation and I can't have it anymore. I'm scared of the day when I might forget what her face looks like. My Mom was all the best in my life, she was the only one who loved me, but she was taken away from me. Like everyone else I love."
"It can't be that bad, can it?" Katara asks in a soft voice.
The Prince just sits in silence for a while, sullen. Katara tries to see his expression in the dark, she can see the unscarred side of his face and his furrowed eyebrow. His lips tightened as if he is trying to stop himself from erupting his emotions. She knows that if he did, those emotions wouldn't be so good.
"It was perfect." He finally says, Katara knows it's hard for him to talk about it, but she doesn't want to stop him, not now. "As you know, I was born in a royal family and I had everything I wanted. There was a war all around the world, but I couldn't see a thing, I just heard about it. My Father said it was right, and I was proud of him, I thought we were the best and that other countries deserved the war. I was so naïve, but I was still a little boy. I didn't care about wars, I just wanted to play, be with my Mom and do what all the kids at my age do."
He is silent for a minute, again, his eyes fixed on the horizon, face looks serious and thoughtful as his mind goes far back to his past.
"I spent most of my childhood with my Mother. Her name was Ursa. She loved me more than Father. He wanted a perfect child who could take the throne after him, but as a firstborn I didn't live up to his expectations. I didn't have a spark in my eyes and couldn't firebend. It was a shame. My Father wanted to get rid of me, toss me outside the walls and never see my face again, but my Mom talked him into so I could stay."
"After long struggles, I finally learned I can firebend. It was my happiest day. I thought Father will love me, but Azula ruined it by showing her firebending for the first time. She had everything my Father dreamed of, she was a prodigy. I stayed in the shadows again, and no matter how hard I tried to be like her, nothing made him happy. He said my sister was born lucky, and I was lucky to be born. It was hard for me, but my Mom was always there, supporting me."
"She was a very kind woman." The girl replies.
"Yes, she was." A small smile adorns Zuko's handsome face, and its gentle features fascinates Katara even more. The scar isn't a problem at all, it's a part of his life, and she kind of likes it, she can't imagine him without it.
"When my Father wasn't the Fire Lord yet and before Uncle had gone to war, we visited Ember Island with my cousin Lu Ten. We spent most of our time at the beach, building sand castles or swimming." He continues. "I felt happy, my Father was looking at me with sincere smile on his face, and although I knew he would never love me the way he loves Azula, I imagined I'm his perfect child. It seemed that he was looking at me with respect, I was trying to believe that things would change and he start to love me. I felt like he could love me, but one day I realized I have no one to support me."
"How did that happen?" Katara's eyebrows arch in surprise. Zuko lowers himself into the grass and puts his hands under his head, looking at the starry sky. She thinks he will never talk, but he speaks in a quiet mysterious voice.
"That day, Father requested an audience with Fire Lord Azulon and wanted me and Azula to show our bending skills. Azula was perfect, of course. Father wanted to revoke Uncle's birthright so he could be the Fire Lord instead. He wanted us to show themselves as the best heirs, I felt ashamed of myself, I wasn't good enough, but my Mom supported me, again."
"My Uncle had to become the Fire Lord, not my Father." He spits bitterly. "But Lu Ten died in the war so his bloodline ended. Uncle didn't return from the war, he grieved for his son and retired. My Father somehow took advantage of that and took the throne, even though I know my grandfather objected to it before. But just before my Father became the Fire Lord, he mysteriously died. My Mom disappeared the same night. She visited me before, she told me weird things, but I just drifted to sleep, I didn't think then, but by the morning she was already gone and no one told me where and why."
"Your Father is just pure evil." Katara admits. "I'm so sorry about your Mother. Mine's gone too."
"Your's too?" Zuko suddenly sits up, shocked.
"Yeah. I saw her die. When the Fire Nation invaded our village."
"I'm sorry." His nails nervously sink in the ground, he lowers his head in shame. He knows there is nothing more he can do, there is no way that a simple apology will redeem his country.
"You don't have to, it's not your fault. It's not like you had the power to change everything." Katara looks at him with such understanding eyes. She knows what he feels, being born in a country that started the Hundred Years War wasn't very easy.
"I know, but I feel responsible. It's my Nation, my country. Even if I did nothing wrong, no one will pay attention to it, all the firebenders are the same to them."
"Not for us. You wouldn't be here if you were the same. When I was little and my Mother was killed, I hated the Fire Nation more than anything, and when I got to know you, I compared your face to those bad people who took my Mother away from me. Your face was always the one I imagined as the face of the enemy, but when I got to know you better, I realized I was wrong. I didn't have to do that."
"The people of the Fire Nation aren't that bad. They're just controlled by a wrong person." Zuko emits some kind of silent sound, like a groan, rises from the ground and approaches the fence, surrounded by tall climbing shrubs that have white unfolded flowers. He stares at them and waits for Katara, he hears her clothes rustle and doesn't turn around to look at her.
"Are you alright?" She asks silently.
"I'm thinking about my past. I just can't stop. So much had happened and I can't just leave everything in the past." A strong gust of wind flutters his hair, he crosses his arms on his chest and looks sadly at the girl. "When my Mom left me, my life became a living hell. I had no one to protect me. Azula wanted me dead the whole time, once she 'accidentally' set my room on fire. She always made me play with her to make fun of me later. She was happy Mom was no more, she never loved her."
"And she killed baby turtle-ducks to hurt you, I know, you told me. It's just so awful."
"Yeah. And she was just a little girl. But I was able to take it. It was nothing compared to what my Father did."
Katara flinches. "And what he did?"
To be continued...
