Monday May 17, 1813 – Longbourn
"Lord, I hate carriages!" Elizabeth's exclamation drew smiles and laughter from the other inhabitants in the room. Having departed from London early Monday morning and arriving in Longbourn before luncheon, she had known her mother would want to display her to all the neighbours particularly since Elizabeth had deliberately refused to return to Longbourn for an extended period before the wedding. She was convinced that Mrs. Bennet intended to extract every ounce of patience that Elizabeth possessed and her reserves of such had dwindled alarmingly. Mrs. Bennet had started her campaign almost as soon as Elizabeth had alighted from the Darcy carriage. The Gardiners had barely time to see their children into Longbourn before Mrs. Bennet had commandeered the carriage - and along with it, Elizabeth - to begin the visitations. Mrs. Bennet had, in her good opinion, much to be displeased about; the lack of time for wedding arrangement and Elizabeth's unavailability to be displayed throughout the neighbourhood were those that excited her greatest displeasure. While she had finally acceded to the desire of the Thompsons to host a dinner on the eve of the wedding, it had taken a forceful order by Mr. Bennet, for her to do so with the barest minimum of grace. She consequently determined that the wedding breakfast would be unrivalled and insisted that Elizabeth accompany her on visits. The satisfaction of boasting about her least-favoured daughter's excellent match could only be exceeded if that same daughter was present when said boasting occurred. Fortunately for Elizabeth's temper, she and her mother had to return an hour or two before dinner since the Bennets were entertaining that evening.
When Elizabeth finally returned that afternoon, Mrs. Gardiner and Jane wrested her away from Mrs. Bennet insisting that Elizabeth needed to rest and hustled her upstairs to her room where Julia awaited. A short rest followed by a bath and a period of quiet, as Julia dressed her for the evening, repaired Elizabeth's mood. Mrs. Bennet's attempts to orchestrate this process as she thought appropriate were diverted by Mrs. Gardiner who cajoled her with stories of Elizabeth's evening at the theatre where she had been introduced to an Earl and a Duke and Duchess. When Elizabeth finally came downstairs she was greeted by a somewhat worried Darcy. "I fear your mother has quite exhausted you, Elizabeth."
"I am well now, William. But I think I will insist we remain at home tomorrow."
Taking him by the hand, she had led him to a quiet corner and sitting with him on a settee she had lowered her voice and said, "One of the things I have come to miss greatly are our early morning walks. I plan to walk out very early tomorrow morning around seven. Perhaps I might meet a tall, handsome gentleman on my walk to Oakham Mount. Do you think that possible, sir?"
"You may count on it, Elizabeth." Their moment of quietude had not lasted as Mrs. Gardiner approached them with a request from her children that Cousin Lizzy come up and see them. Elizabeth had been more than willing to comply and accompanied by Darcy had gone to sit and read with her young cousins.
Once the guests arrived there had been few chances for her to talk with Darcy and she anticipated their morning walk with delight. The evening passed as such evenings do and Elizabeth's main concern that evening had been to ensure the comfort of both Darcy and Georgiana. With her aunt's assistance, she was able to ensure that seating at the table placed them both in proximity to people with whom they could converse comfortably and had asked Kitty to attend Georgiana when they removed to the drawing room. She could see that Georgiana, in particular, was not wholly comfortable in the surroundings but not unduly distressed. Darcy returned to her side when the gentlemen rejoined the ladies and attached himself to her side for the remainder of the evening much to the amusement of Mr. Bennet and the Gardiners.
Tuesday May 18, 1813 – Longbourn
The day dawned warm and sunny which lent an extra spring to Elizabeth's step and she had not been walking for long before Darcy overtook her on his horse. Leaving the horse to follow behind, he joined her afoot and arm-in-arm they walked in comfortable silence to Oakham Mount. They found little need to talk, limiting themselves to the occasional observation about the scenery or the people that had attended the festivities the previous evening. If Darcy took advantage of having to help Elizabeth over a stile obstructing the path and stole a kiss, Elizabeth raised no objections and conveniently forgot to mention that she had climbed that stile by herself for years.
Once they reached Oakham Mount, Elizabeth let herself be wrapped in Darcy's arms leaning her back against his chest as they looked out over Longbourn and, in the distance, Netherfield. Elizabeth's mind cast back to the previous summer when she had walked to Oakham Mount almost daily to escape her home and her thoughts of Darcy's offer of marriage. Feeling the warmth of his body surrounding her and the strength of his arms, she marvelled at the change in her thoughts and future that had taken place in less than twelve months. Turning to face him, within the envelope of his arms, she cupped his face with her hands and kissed him softly. She had felt his surprise at her initiative, however, it had taken him but moments to tighten his grip and respond. He had slowly removed his lips from hers after a minute or two, lingering over the taste, and seeing the tears streaming down her cheeks, wiped them with his gloved hand. She had listened to his breathing quicken and thought hers had done so as well. His voice had a husky sound when he asked, "What caused these tears, my love?"
It had taken her a moment or two to be able to respond, "I was remembering that about a year ago I sat up here, thinking about you, your letter, my mistakes and errors, my anger at you, myself, my parents. The only joy I saw was the prospect of a tour with my aunt and uncle of The Lakes and I thought I was quite reconciled to never seeing you again. And yet, here we stand and…and I have never been as happy."
Darcy grimaced unseen as he remembered his feelings of a year ago. When he finally spoke Elizabeth could detect a change in his emotions that his words made clear, "A year ago I was…sunk in the most abject misery of my life. I was angry at you for rejecting me, at myself for laying myself open, for deluding myself of your affections, for my behaviour, at Wickham for poisoning you against me. To be truthful my thoughts were still in turmoil a month after Hunsford. I could see no joy only duty and responsibility. I was gradually coming to realize the merits of your words but it was hard to bear."
Elizabeth turned and placed a hand on his cheek, "Come William, when the past brings no pleasure, it must be discarded."
"Tis easier to say than do." Darcy laid his forehead on hers, "It helps not that we have had so little time together alone. If it were not for this walk where we can be alone, I fear I should go mad."
"I find it hard to bear as well. I want only to be in your company."
Elizabeth moved closer and rested her head against his chest enveloped in his arms. They stood so for several minutes, each taking comfort from the other when Darcy leaned back and gazed at Elizabeth with a look that Elizabeth was coming to realize meant the subject was one he found somewhat embarrassing, "I would mention something that has intrigued me greatly over the past few days." At her quizzical look, he continued, "You mentioned, when viewing your bedchamber, that you wished to…ah…spend your time in mine. Did you mean for us to share a bed always?"
Elizabeth looked up. She could not be sure of his concern. She knew that it was the usual practice of his station for wives to sleep in their own bed and for husbands to visit when marital relations were desired. At least, that was the situation she had gleaned from her mother's ramblings and from other gossip she had overheard. She could not tell if he was offended. "I…perhaps I spoke improperly William. I will follow your wishes but mine are to have you in my bed every night for the rest of my life. If the bed is yours, it matters not, but I wish to be with you. From my days at Pemberley it seems clear that your duties may consume much off your time. I would not wish there to be whole days where we did not see one another."
Elizabeth's distress was obvious to Darcy as he could feel her body tensing as she spoke. She had dropped her eyes to the ground as she spoke as if unwilling to see his reaction. He raised her chin so that she could see him, "Elizabeth, my darling Lizzy, there is nothing I would wish more than to share my bed with you for all the days of our marriage."
"You have never called me Lizzy before!"
He feathered a kiss on her lips, "I think of you as Elizabeth but I shall call you Lizzy sometimes."
"I like it very much." She paused for a few moments, "Whatever will we do with the spare bedroom?"
He chuckled, "I am sure that some use will be found. Perhaps a Mistress study?"
He had tightened his grip on her till it was almost painful but she had not minded it, not at all. With no further words, he had finally released her only to take her arm so that they would return to Longbourn. His voice was rough as he spoke, "We had best return or your mother will have them out searching for us."
"You know my mother too well, I fear. I am sure she is already lamenting our absence. I am afraid I have little reluctance to try her nerves further. The prospect of returning to face a seemingly endless stream of visitors is daunting." Elizabeth looked up and gave him a mock frown, "You sir, at least, can escape to the quiet of my father's library."
Darcy smiled complacently, "And I shall enjoy every minute that I am there."
"I shall have to think of some way to torment you today in retribution."
Darcy looked at her thinking, "you are tormenting me now, my love, even if you do not realize it." He contented himself with shaking his head murmuring, "I have full confidence in your ability to discompose me, my dear Elizabeth!"
They walked for a few minutes in that companionable silence they both had come to enjoy when Darcy thought about Elizabeth's last words, "I realize you were hurt a great deal when your neighbours began to shun your family. Your anger was quite understandable. How do you feel about them now?"
Elizabeth walked in silence for several minutes and Darcy began to worry that he had upset or offended her and began to try and withdraw his comment, "Perhaps…I did not mean to distress…"
Elizabeth shook her head as she interrupted him, "Forgive me. I am not distressed by the question. I am just trying to form an answer." She paused a few more moments and then continued, "I was hurt I admit. Unlike Jane, I expected our neighbours to act much as they did but expecting it and experiencing it are very different. It hurt that people I had counted as friends would only acknowledge me on the street but shun conversation, would not allow their sons to dance with me at an assembly, would not call on us or accept our calls. What truly angered me though was how it hurt Jane. She is so good, so gentle and kind that she could not envisage such treatment. She tried to hide it but I know her too well and her pain was hard to witness. That my father and mother who bear much of the responsibility did not appear to suffer as we did, was not conducive to filial affection. This is largely why I wished for Jane and I to escape to London."
"Do you find that your feelings have changed?"
"I no longer am so angry. How can I stay so when Jane is so happy and I have found you. I am disappointed in those I once counted as friends but their opinion counts for little with me now. I will not hate them but neither will I seek their approval. I understand why they acted as they did but I do not have to condone it and would hope not to behave so myself should the occasion arise. I have, I think, forgiven them but I have not forgotten the injury they did."
Darcy nodded silently, "I understand your feelings. Nonetheless I have observed that you treat them all with great civility."
"I have always attempted to be civil – even, as you know - to those I dislike."
Darcy laughed, "True, I certainly had no suspicion of your dislike at the time although Richard was sensitive to it."
"My love, we have ample proof of your inability to discern the feelings of young ladies. Fortunately for me, I believe that practice has improved you greatly in this regard." Elizabeth's teasing glance drew a small chuckle from Darcy.
"Well, my dear, if I continue on as well as you claim, I have hopes of becoming a true proficient.
They walked in silence for some minutes when Elizabeth broke the silence, "William, I have been thinking." She walked a few steps without saying anything further until prompted by Darcy, "Oh, I apologize. I was lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about Georgiana and Kitty. Georgiana will be staying with your cousin Lady Frances until they all come to visit us in July. I was thinking that Kitty needed to be exposed to better society than she will find at Longbourn and would have proposed she stay with the Gardiners but, since my aunt will be confined this summer, I think looking after Kitty would be a burden on her. I thought perhaps we could invite Kitty to travel with them to join us at Pemberley until we return to London in the fall. She would provide company for Georgiana and would benefit from her society. What do you think?"
Darcy walked in silence for several minutes considering Elizabeth's suggestion. Finally he nodded his head, "I think it an excellent idea. Georgiana will be glad of the company since I fear you are likely to capture most of mine." He walked on for another minute or two absorbed in thought before continuing, "I also had thought to invite my Darcy relatives – those two aunts I spoke of once – to visit us in August. Would that be agreeable to you?"
"I would like that very well. Perhaps we might invite your uncle and aunt for a week at that time. Would they be good company together do you think?"
"I will speak to my Aunt Matlock and canvas her opinion."
"Have you notified your Darcy aunts about our marriage?"
"No, I have not. I will write in a few days to inform them and extend the invitations when I do so." He paused for a few moments and then smiled, "Pemberley will be coming back to life this summer. I cannot remember – it must be fifteen years or more – when we hosted so many visitors. Mrs. Reynolds will be overjoyed. She desires nothing more than to display Pemberley and the ability of its people to the greatest advantage of both."
"I fear I will have much to learn if I am not to embarrass you and Mrs. Reynolds."
Darcy easily detected the note of uncertainty in Elizabeth's voice and stopping, took both her hands in his and raised them to his lips, "Do not fret, dearest. I have full confidence in you, as does Mrs. Reynolds. Between you both, I know our guests will be most comfortable. My only regret is that I will not be able to command your time as I would wish. I do plan to be quite selfish though and exercise my privileges as much as possible. Our guests will have to find amusements where they may for some of their stay."
"I would by no means suspend any pleasure of yours, William – where it involves myself."
"I see you have been listening to your mother's advice. On this topic I cannot but agree with her."
"For once I have no response, sir. I pray it does not happen with any frequency or I shall be greatly discomfited."
Their eventual return was greeted by Mrs. Bennet in urging Elizabeth to break her fast in order to prepare for another round of visits. Upon learning that Elizabeth had no intention of leaving Longbourn until it was time to dine with the Thompson's, her dismay and disapproval was expressed for some quarter hour until Mr. Bennet was forced to intervene, "I suggest Mrs. Bennet that you take comfort in our daughter's presence here at Longbourn. I have it on good authority she considered being married in London." With which Mrs. Bennet resigned herself to only being able to accept the congratulations of those ladies who deigned to call. Elizabeth was not, however, able to avoid assuming her share of this burden and comforted herself that she at least had the pleasure of Jane and her aunt's company.
Feet curled beneath her, Elizabeth leaned back against the wall of her window seat. Looking out over the back garden, the pale moonlight cast everything into shades of grey. Only her familiarity with what lay before her allowed her to discern anything more than the barest of outlines. This was her last night as Elizabeth Bennet and she was spending it alone.
Kitty and Mary had come for a short while but she had never been all that close to them and tonight, for whatever reason, she felt even more separated from them both. Jane, with whom she had shared the closest affections, had stayed longer but even she was called to be with her husband. Her mother had visited briefly, shooing Kitty and Mary out of the room. Fortunately Mrs. Bennet had been accompanied by Mrs. Gardiner. Elizabeth knew as soon as her mother appeared what was to happen. Her beseeching look to Mrs. Gardiner had elicited only the slightest of resigned shrugs – her mother would not be dissuaded from her duty. Elizabeth had attempted to block out her mother's words. Mercifully, the lecture was short and deviated not a whit from that which Jane had received and recounted to Elizabeth – lie still, it will hurt for a while and he won't bother you frequently. Once her mother had finished she left the room quickly, her unpleasant duty done. Mrs. Gardiner remained. Seeing no obvious signs of distress from Elizabeth, she explained further that not all marital relations were unpleasant. That, because she was marrying a man who was both kind and much in love with her, it was quite likely that she would find much pleasure since she could trust that her husband would wish to please her. Elizabeth had not really needed those comforting words from her aunt. She had experienced a small portion of the love and care and passion that Darcy felt for her and was looking forward to becoming his wife. If she was nervous, it was more from anticipation than fear or uncertainty. Even tonight, amongst the crowded rooms at Netherfield when everyone's attention had been focused elsewhere, she and Darcy had managed a brief moment of closeness, a lingering caress from his fingers on her bare arm. She had seen the desire in his eyes and hoped he had recognized hers. She could not let her thoughts dwell on such, she could feel her body flush.
The afternoon had been an event that met every expectation of her mother who could safely and vehemently boast of two daughters married – albeit one whom she had not seen for almost a year and resided across the ocean – and another to be wed on the morrow. Said daughter was not, however, particularly pleased with all the attention and her civility had been tested severely. Finally escaping her mother's vigilant eye, Elizabeth had prepared three cups of coffee on a tray which she carried to her father's study. Upon knocking and being told to enter, she opened the door to find her father and Darcy seated in front of the window concentrating on a chess game. Handing each a cup, which was accepted with the normal courtesy of a chess player in full concentration, which is to say very little at all, she had taken her own and stood behind her father to watch. After determining that it was her father's move, she considered the pieces on the board for several minutes. Clearing her throat, she touched her father on the shoulder saying, "Check in three moves, mate in five."
Darcy's head snapped up, "You know how to play?" His surprise was evident. "But …"
Before Elizabeth could respond, her father shook his head and tipped over his king. "Quite right Lizzy, we are all even Mr. Darcy." He looked at Darcy, "I taught Lizzy to play when she was but fifteen." He smiled up at her, "Beat her like a drum for about three years but in the last year or two she held her own."
"Held my own! I dare say. I seem to remember winning our last three matches."
Darcy was still shaking his head. "I do not understand. At Pemberley, I offered to teach you to play and you refused. You told me you did not wish to learn how to play."
"I believe Mr. Darcy, you have forgotten my exact words." This was said with a slight teasing smile on her lips.
Darcy frowned in concentration, "I do not remember your words now."
"I believe I said that I was content to add riding to my list of accomplishments."
The thoughtful look on his face was replaced by a knowing grin, "And learning chess would not add to them because you already knew how to play. I see …" he paused for several moments and then leaned back and gazed at Elizabeth with the slight smile she had come to associate with his teasing, "I have learned two things this afternoon."
"Two things, sir? And what may they be, sir?"
"Well first, you know how to play chess and play it well which should add materially to our entertainments on a long evening at Pemberley. And the second, that I shall have to parse your statements very carefully in the future, Miss Bennet. Very carefully, indeed."
Elizabeth's look of consternation prompted a chuckle from her father. "I think you shall suit my Lizzy quite well Mr. Darcy. I have rarely seen her so discomposed." He started to set up the chess pieces and looking at Darcy, "I believe we are all even with three draws and a win each. Shall we attempt to decide a winner?"
Before Darcy could respond, Elizabeth shook her head, ""My two favourite men have hidden away from our guests long enough. You both must come and at least pretend to take pleasure in their company. I am sure you would not wish my Mama to intrude here to express her displeasure."
Darcy and Mr. Bennet exchanged commiserating glances and without too much grumbling had rejoined their visitors in the drawing room. Elizabeth had retained Darcy by her side until most of the visitors had departed but she knew her father had stayed but a few minutes before escaping once more.
She smiled as she considered her William's discomfort with her neighbours. He was not garrulous but he was also not coldly distant as he had presented himself when he first came to Hertfordshire. He had responded politely and with civility to the many well-wishers and she could ask no more of him than that. That he was more amiable when amongst company with whom he had a prior acquaintance was very obvious at the dinner at Netherfield. There he knew and respected many of the guests, his reserve dropped and he was much more engaged in the conversations.
For herself, entering Netherfield for the first time in almost eighteen months carried an edge of unreality. In truth, she had few good recent memories of the house and her last memory – that fateful ball – was particularly painful as she knew her family, with the exception of Jane, but certainly including herself had displayed themselves quite, quite poorly. If she was discomfited by being there, she had to wonder at Mr. Bingley's feelings; however, she had not been able to discern anything from his countenance nor had she the opportunity to discuss it with him during the evening. To be greeted by the smiling faces of the Thompsons as she entered the foyer dispelled much of her unease and seeing Darcy moving quickly towards her banished the remainder. As she walked to the drawing room, she surveyed her surroundings and was quite pleased with the changes she found. Mr. Bingley, since he had only leased the property, had accepted the furnishings that came with the lease. The Thompsons were clearly of a mind to establish their permanency and had, in the half year that they occupied Netherfield, refurnished many of the most used rooms to their own tastes. She approved those changes that she saw and had said as much to Mrs. Thompson to that lady's gratification.
Of the dinner and the evening itself, she could remember little. She found herself rather fatigued by the almost constant activities of the past two days and Darcy, seeing her so, had secured them seats which allowed her to relax and recover. She had appreciated the comfort he had secured for her and remembered his query as to whether she was nervous about the next day. She thought she detected a touch of nervousness in his demeanour and teased him about it. She was not prepared to believe his assurances that he was not nervous at all. She knew that she was – the ceremony would mark the end of her life as Elizabeth Bennet and the beginning of one as Elizabeth Darcy, wife to Fitzwilliam Darcy, mother of his children and Mistress of Pemberley. "My dear", she said quietly, "I cannot anticipate such a change without some degree of nervousness but I would brave a lot more for a life with you." She looked at him carefully, "I trust that you will not consume too many brandies after I depart tonight?"
Her raised eyebrow as she glanced at him elicited a brief smile, "I promise to be quite abstemious tonight. Fortunately Richard is not here to lead me into a sinful indulgence."
"I see, you propose to lay all such behaviour at your cousin's feet then?"
"Of course, he is not here to contradict me."
Their quiet respite was not to continue and they were joined by others and required to engage in such polite conversation as was customary on such occasions.
If Elizabeth had any interest as the evening progressed, it was in trying to sketch Mr. Bingley's character or, as she thought, perhaps intentions was the more appropriate term. He had spent some time talking with Georgiana, her pleasure evident only to one who knew her very well. However, he had also engaged Miss Thompson in conversation for an extended period alone or in company with others. His attentions were not marked but to one who was scrutinizing him closely, his interest certainly appeared to have been piqued. Unfortunately, Elizabeth was certain that Georgiana had also discerned his interest and was made unhappy by it although making every effort to hide the fact. There was little that could be done at the moment but Elizabeth was sure the subject would arise sooner than she wished.
If she could retain any memories of the evening at all, they would be quite disjointed. The warmth – heat – of William's hand on hers, Georgiana speaking so comfortably with Mary, Kitty and Miss Thompson, Mrs. Bennet's uncivil attitude towards Mr. Bingley when he attempted to greet her, Miss Thompson's slight mortification with her mother's attempt to forward an acquaintance between her daughter and Mr. Bingley and the latter's good humoured and courteous handling of both situations.
She could not think much on the dinner now as she looked about her room. She had lived here for almost her whole life and none of her possessions remained. The memories of Longbourn she wished to treasure were from her childhood and youth but Longbourn was no longer her home. That would be Pemberley but even so, she felt as though her ties to Longbourn had been fraying for quite some time. She was sure that she should have some regrets about leaving but she could not. It was difficult now to see clearly but she rather thought the process had begun when she returned from Hunsford and her family's shortcomings had been exposed in Darcy's letter. Her time in London with the Gardiners had not been long enough to make it her home. It had only been when she arrived at Pemberley that a sense of belonging had begun. Home had now become Pemberley and while all her belongings had been removed to Darcy House, they were destined very shortly to be sent to Pemberley. That was a natural process to be sure and one that every bride faced.
A soft tapping on her door startled her from her reflections and the sight of her dearest Jane in the doorway brought a lift to her spirits and a smile to her face. Jumping down from the window seat, she embraced her sister who led her to the bed. Once they were both comfortably ensconced on the bed, Jane took Elizabeth's hands in hers. "I could not rest if I did not have a final late talk with my dearest sister. I cannot stay long but wish to…we will not see each other for several months or more. I shall miss you sorely."
"I am thankful you came. I was becoming quite melancholy and part of that was the loss of our talks. I will miss you also.'
Jane reached over to the table and picked up a hairbrush. Moving behind Elizabeth she began to brush her hair with long slow strokes. As she brushed, she could feel her sister relax and they began to talk much as they had in the past sharing their concerns, hopes, fears. Before Jane left the room an hour later, she performed a final, small task – to cover her sleeping sister with a warm blanket.
