Chapter 1
Giles Will Know The Answer
(In which Giles does not, in fact, know the answer)
Giles looked at me blankly when he opened the door, but then he often looks at me blankly.
"Can I help you miss?"
"Giles, it's me." I say, my voice still high and strange to me. I wince. "Obviously".
"I… yes, well, that's… nice for you, I suppose."
"Xander. I'm Xander." Thanks brain. Better way to start. "Xander Harris. I am back and… something strange happened to me... again, I say, obviously."
I find myself gesturing emphatically at my breasts. He blinks for a moment then politely glances away, taking off his glasses.
"Yes well, if you are who you claim to be, you will permit me to ask you some…"
"A mantis lady tried to eat me. An inca mummy girl tried to eat me. Angel is a vampire, he tried to eat me, basically I am on the menu for everyone and you… you get knocked out all the time. The last time was by that watcher lady who wasn't a watcher over the glove of miniguns or something. As far as I know. Help me now?"
The glasses went on. A good sign. He looks my face over, squinting at my eyes. I angle my face around, hoping to expedite the process. See? There's a likeness, I know it. You know it, now fix it already.
"My word, that is remarkable. Quite, well... fascinating, it's… well… "
"Giles please, trust me, this is weirder for me than you. You still have your… you know. "
"Well Xander, you'd better come in." He says, then pulls a face. "Uh, best head on up and take a hot shower first. I will heat you up something to eat."
"Giles, I would hug you but that would be a punishment for the both of us." I say and limp my way up the stairs.
Continuous hot water is something I have never had the luxury of at home, and I swear upon my dear sweet soul that I will never go without it again. It is like I can feel the months washing away from me in the steady hot stream, all the dust and dirt but all the bruises too. For a moment, as the water streams over me, drowning out the world, I could imagine stepping out the shower a man again.
But I was dimly aware of the flow of my body under the healing stream. The curves had not changed, nor the slender fingers that rub suds through my curls and work at my aching neck muscles. Nothing has changed. A stroke of my hand downwards confirms that.
I press my forehead against the glass and scrunch my eyes shut. I feel now like the water is carving around me, copying my strange, unfamiliar shape. I shut it out, and when I find I can't, I shut it off.
Tiny pink feet step into the grey soft rug. Long legs coated with fine dark hairs. A dark tangle of unkept… okay ignoring that… slender arms scratched up and blushed red. I pull a thorn loose from one of my cuts, and toss it in the sink.
It wasn't my face in the small double medicine cabinet mirror. She has sharper features than me, rounder cheeks and high cheekbones, plumper across the bones. The same black hair, softly curling down to my chin- I let it grow out on the road to blow in the breeze of the highway, all wind swept and interesting, an ironic twist how it suits the more feminine features.
Stepping back from the strange situation I could definitely say she is beautiful. Sharp nosed and doe eyed, graceful lips and pale face. I… no.. she cut her lip. Just a little, it will be healed soon enough. This whole situation may be healed soon enough.
It's weird. I feel like I am looking at another person. And wishing that person to no longer exist feels wrong.
I shake my head and close my eyes.
She is me. She will be me again soon. Giles is probably figuring it out right now. He is good with this stuff. He has books. Many, many books. Books is good.
I glance back at the sad, exhausted girl's face. She nods back at me.
"Yeeeaap." She says.
At least we agree on stuff.
Changes have happened since I went away. A lot of changes. Giles informs me that the girls are at university now and that they both live on campus. Willow's folks used the opportunity to move to New York, finally abandoning their daughter in reality- they had pretty much emotionally abandoned her decades ago.
The biggest change, I guess, is Oz is gone. A journey to discover how to defeat the wolf in him. Giles didn't give me the story. I didn't ask.
Oz and me? Well, not that we were ever super close, you know, but we were buds... before the whole fluke thing between me and Willow. Well, close is strange way to describe our friendship anyway or, I guess, former friendship, he didn't share much or talk much. But we had an easy understanding. He was a Scooby. And now… he isn't. And I feel his absence.
Willow does too I can tell. She looks empty. Her eyes are bagged and swollen from crying, and she takes the whole 'me being a girl' with a little more than a 'huh, that is weird' before greeting me with a rather awkward hug.
Our hugs have been different after the fluke too. But after being away so long, I thought she would be happier to see me. That stings. But I guess she hasn't seen me yet, not the real me. Maybe when I am back to Xan man she will warm back up. I hate to see her like this. I hate this distance between us too.
Willow dutifully accepts a pile of magical tomes from Giles and a cup of milky tea, then silently retires to the corner recliner by the fireplace, curling her bare feet up under her. She takes a sip of tea, then gently placing the cup and saucer beside her, she flips the first book open. She doesn't look up. Doesn't speak.
Willow is empty.
I busy myself with the important task of eating the chinese food Giles has reheated for me, bless his little tweed socks. I feel life returning to me, one shovelled fork full at a time. Giles tuts at my eating style, but I sense he sympathizes somewhat. This new body is all skin and bones. My mouth is smaller but I don't let that get in the way of my enjoyment, I just pretend the egg rolls have gotten bigger and that's all bonus for The Xan Man, baby.
The stranger at the door isn't Buffy. She is pretty, tall (taller than Willow, who opens the door to her), white skinned with long dirty blond hair and a long green dress. She smiles nervously at Willow.
"B…B..Buffy said she is just freshening up at her m.. moms. Said I should meet her here, is that okay Mr. Giles?"
"Of course, do come in. Tara, may I introduce Xander Harris. Xander, this is Miss Tara MacLay."
I stand, awkwardly aware that I am wearing nothing but a dressing gown with..
darn it… minor chinese food spillage down the front.
"Uh, charmed." I say, offering a hand to shake. I look at it for a moment in confusion. Should I shake? Do girls shake? Am I… of forget it… it doesn't matter, she has clasped my fingers and given it a little pump before awkwardly releasing it and stepping back.
"Welcome back… I hear you went on a road trip." She says.
"Yeah, one hell of a road trip. And how do you know…?" Tara dips her head down to hide her blush- a pointless gesture- her ears protrude from her hair are beet red.
"Buffy and Tara have psych class together. Oh and, I met Tara in the university wicca group. She's a generational witch, from a long line. Real powerful."
"N..not that powerful." She says, head dipping once more.
"Oh, so, she knows about all the…" I wiggle my finger around to indicate… well .. everything, really.
"She knows Buffy is the Slayer." Willow says flatly and heads back to her perch by the fire. Tara seems hurt by this, but dips her head again. I extend my hand again, more confident of the purpose this time.
"Welcome to the Scoobies, Tara." I say, warmly. "Good to have you aboard."
She smiles this time, a long lopsided beautiful smile that reaches her eyes. I revoke my previous judgement, Tara is gorgeous under all that shyness and hair. And she seems the super nice type, I can't figure what Willow' obvious problem is with her. Guess that goes on the pile of problems to pick at. But first things first.
"So… weird ice breaker I know, but, Tara? Know any spells to switch sex? Or switch back sex? It's a long story."
"Xander was a boy." Willow mutters, not looking up. She sips her tea and flips the page.
