Chapter 20
Abigail Shmabigail
"This dream sequence is a little cliche, don't you think?" I yell. "And kinda meta."
The forest around me isn't made of wood, it's made of faceted, polished mirrors. I see an infinite amount of reflections of me looking this way and that. The floor is thick with flakey ash that I wade through, ankle deep. I am alone, except for my reflections.
My dress is nice though, I think my subconscious may have borrowed it.
"This is, like, totally Mia Sara's Darkness gown from the film 'Legend'." I shout, my voice echoing through the shimmering trees out into the darkness. "I mean… don't get me wrong, I look great in this, thanks, but I ask you, is it really worth the legal action from Ridley Scott?"
The echoes bounce around and settle in silence.
"Ah haha ha, I see. Some of the reflections are me as a girl and me as a guy. Very clever. Not."
Again, nothing.
"It's heavy handed, even by Freudian standards."
I spin around, kicking at the ash.
"Look, is the monster that represents my fears and anxieties gonna show up soon? It's kinda boring here."
I wait for bit, shrug, and then wander over to one or the trees, muttering about how I would prefer the one about being naked in front of the whole class.
This mirror has me as a boy. Looks a bit ridiculous in the dress. And this one has me as a girl. I finger gun the girl for looking great. I mean she does. I do. Give the girl props. She looks comfy and confident, whereas Xander just looks… oh. Oh. I get it.
"I get it." I shout. "I got it. This is me, getting it. All with the getting here."
I look around at the infinite mirror forest.
"Can I wake up now? I am worried about Faith. Sorry… "Abigail"" I say, giving air quotes.
There is a blood curdling snarl behind me. I turn, look down and let out a sigh.
"Oh, there you are."
The sun is painfully bright on my eyes. But Faith is lying close beside me,
She is parallel to me, pretty much mirroring my position. She is awake, and peacefully watching me.
The sunlight is raking across her face, striking one of her brown eyes, making a small patch glow glow amber. She blinks slow, so at ease and I watch as her eye adjusts, the patterns in her cornea tightening in little waves and folds of chestnut.
We aren't touching. We are just awake, aware, looking at each other. We just are here, in this time and place, together. Her skin is rosier today, the bruises under her eyes have lost their hard edges, retreating, healing. As she begins to smile, she exhales, and it caresses the fine hairs on my cheek. My smile follows behind hers, how could it not?
The change is subtle, her lips part slightly and her smile bleeds away, leaving questioning. I draw my lower lip into my mouth, a bite of uncertainty turns to wetting it in anticipation. A silent invitation, and she moves to press her lips to mine.
The first kiss feels tender, the second and third feel inevitable in the delicious wake of the first. But the fourth, well, something sets into my chest that makes the fifth absolutely essential to my being.
I have my hand to her cheek, drawing her to me, drawing me to her, wanting and desperate. Her hand feels perfect against the exposed flesh of my lower back, strong, insistent, pulling us closer. Our kissing has a tide to it, sliding back and forth between her need and mine, not yielding control or demanding it, for we both seem to want the same thing, the same space, the same proximity.
I am expecting the sudden switch, for her to grow greedy, push me back into the bed and pin me down with her legs. But instead, the kissing just flows, and rolls, ebbing, slowing and then in a tender parting of lips, ends.
Her cheeks are flushed rose in two distinct patches, lips swollen, pupils blown wide. And she is beautiful. And I feel beautiful in her gaze.
"So." She says, a little louder than a whisper. "That happened."
"You are looking so much better."
She pulls back a little, shifting onto her elbows. Her face still comfortably close to mine. And I find myself wanting… something that, perhaps, is going to leave me broken again. I try to banish it away, a feat I manage with a single name.
Abigail.
"What?" She says, in that whiskey voice. She angles her head around, as if to peer into my brain. "What was that change?"
I sigh, and roll onto my back. My ribs complain a little, my elbow complains a lot.
"It's nothing." I say.
"No lies between us. That's the deal, remember?"
"But secrets are fine." I repeat.
"Secrets are a must." She says and shrugs. "Way it's gotta be."
"Okay. Do over. I lied that it's nothing."
Obviously, says her brow. She nestles her chin onto her hand.
"And?"
"That's the only lie. Not a biggie as lies go." I said. "Is your name really Abigail?"
"Fraid so." She says. "But I hate it."
"So change it. Pick another."
"But that would be a lie. I wanted to tell you my name. It's Abigail."
I look up at the ceiling and blow out a frustrated breath. Frustrated at her or me, I don't quite know. Both perhaps. Faith lays her head so that her cheek against my exposed belly. She looks up at me.
"I haven't told anyone that in… I guess well over a year." She mumbles into my skin. She plants a kiss there, and sighs. "I hate it. It's… the name of a girl who was… a victim."
I swallow and shift, curious now. Her face is blank, she is looking away, I guess she is looking back. Her eyes dart to me and she shrugs a little.
"Shit happened, and I had to get out of Boston. Hiked. Hopped freights. Begged... Stole… but I got here. Anyways, I realised coming to Sunnydale I could be whatever I wanted. Start again. Yunno?"
I did.
"So, I figure. Leave Abigail behind. Leave her there. Walk out of her like… you ever seen a snake shed, Lexi?"
I have.
"Like that. Just like that. They look all shiny and new, and then they get bigger, stronger."
She is playing with the hem of my shirt as talks. Brushing the fabric against her lip with her thumb.
"I couldn't think of a new name, a good name. So I just went with my middle one. So, not so much a new girl. Just… shuffled a bit, I guess."
"What's your middle name?"
"No fair. I get a question first."
"Okay. But the deal stands. You have secrets, I have secrets. No harm no foul if I don't wanna answer."
"But if you do, it's the truth."
"Okay."
"Well alright." She says. Then just falls quiet, staring at me. It makes me blush and chuckle, but I hold myself together.
"Shut up. I can't think of a question" She says. "I mean, I don't want to waste it."
"Okay, bookmark it. What's your middle name."
"Don't laugh."
"Scouts honour." I say, and she side eyes me. Ironically, that fits our agreement too, but I am keeping that in the secrets basket.
"It's Faith." She sighs.
I had expected a lie. I had expected a lie that would veer my hearts trajectory away from the girl in front of me. A lie would have helped.
A lie would be easier.
"You okay?"
"No fair. I get a question." I deflect, nicely, I might add.
"Fine. Rules stand."
"Rules stand." I grin. "You gonna bail on me?"
"You mean, before I get well? Or after?" I shrug. Either or.
"Undecided." She says. "Was gonna. No offense, people suck. I didn't know if I could trust ya."
"What changed?" I said and was rewarded with a goofy grin. She pulls her smile tight and clears her throat.
"Got horny." She says with a stretch and a bit of a yawn. "And that was my turn."
"Figures you were just banking them till your brain caught up." She twaps my arm.
"Did you bring me back here because you wanted to fuck me?"
"No." I said.
"Do you want to fuck me?"
"That's a complicated question." I say. "And I haven't had coffee yet."
"Why complicated? You either wanna or not." She says, watching me as I stand up and stretch. The coffee was not a deflection, but a necessity. Faith remains in my bed, watching me.
"It's complicated." I say, spooning grounds into the filter. "Because, well, lots of reasons." Lid down. Button pressed.
Faith has made her way over, still unsteady, I notice, and she pretty much collides with the wall rather than leans on it. She folds her arms, then unfolds them, then scratches her tattoo.
"Lex, I am just tryna figure you out. I mean, you are real sweet and all helping me, but you are a whole mess of mixed signals and I don't wanna fuck this up."
"Gotcha. And that's great and all, but it doesn't make it any less complicated. Also your signals are pretty mixed."
"Message coming through Five by five."
"What does that even mean?" I say exasperated.
"Yunno the radio thing? Five volume, five signal. Like… loud and clear. Five by five. S'all good." She scrunches her nose. "You ain't heard that saying"
"Huh." I say. "The point is… wait, do I call you Faith or Abigail or…"
"Faith." She says. "I guess."
"Okay, so the point is this is driving me crazy because now you are backing off and I really, really don't want that. But I have… like… mega body issues and I am vulnerable and paranoid and antisocial you are just not who I thought you were and everything is gonna lowside and I am gonna panic and breaks will be hit and then everything will just spin over and over and over and… then I will have to limp all the way to wherever the emotional equivalent of Santaquin is and… uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhgggggggggggg"
We both stare in silence as the coffee pot does it's thing.
"So." Faith says with a little smirk. "That's a yes then?"
