Chapter 22
Under The Sofa In Hell
My instinct as I walk past Anya is to hide my face and keep walking. And I do. She doesn't react as I go past, so it is a scott free kind of deal. Whoever that scott guy is, he doesn't have to deal with any guilt. Lucky bastard.
Anya even glanced at me, but didn't so much as blink. So on I go.
Wait.
No. I am not that person anymore.
"Anya." I call after her. "Hold up".
She turns on her heels, straight back, elbows locked, clutching a small paper deli bag to her lap. She smiles at me that blank way clerks who hate their life do to customers when their boss is watching.
She has changed too. She wears her hair shorter these days and curled into a retro 1930's kind of deal. It's a rich golden, brassy sort of color that looks just fantastic on her. Her nose is pierced with a fine silver ring, and her clothes have moved beyond Cordette light to a more rock and roll sort of vibe. Wide flared navy pants with two rows of three buttons that fasten in just below her breasts, a short black sleeved gas station shirt. And she looks… well… amazing.
"Can I help you miss? Preferably in less time than it takes for a sandwich to get intolerably soggy?"
"We met. At Sunnydale University? I was sitting with Willow? You were looking for Xander? Xander Harris."
"Oh yes, I remember. Hi. Hello." She says overly brightly and then looks at me expectantly.
"Look, I need to say some stuff to you. And, it's probably gonna run a little longer than sandwich integrity, so, can I like, buy you lunch at the diner?"
"Like a date?"
"I mean, like- "
"Because you should know I am currently engaged in a healthy, loving and extremely satisfying sexual relationship."
"No, it's-"
"Not that you aren't very attractive. A little short perhaps."
"No, no, not a date. It's about Xander. Also, I kind of owe you an apology." She looks confused, so I tack on. "And as it is a big apology you can order anything you like off the menu."
"Anything?"
"Yes."
She looks at her bagged lunch and back to me.
"Is this a rouse?"
"Explanation. Apology. Free food. That's it. Then you never have to speak to me ever again."
"Way to sweeten the deal." She says brightly, and this time it is genuine. "Lead on."
The diner isn't very busy, which is normal considering the food they serve here. It's a garish retro American Graffiti kind of deal, in which Anya looks, surprisingly suitably dressed for. I find us a booth away from prying ears.
"So, can I like ask why you were looking for Xander?"
Anya is buried in the menu, and doesn't look up.
"I wanted to have sex with him."
"Oh." I say, processing. "What?"
"Sex. You understand sex, right?"
"I meant 'why?'"
"Well, you should be more specific. it's confusing." The menu goes down and she looks at me, chewing on her lip. Then she says "Have you ever gotten someone stuck in your head?"
"Ooooooh yeah, big time." I say. a couple of names come to mind. Both good with a pointy stick.
"Well. After the prom, we went to prom together, afterwards I was like. Great, now that's done I can forget about him. Get on with figuring this whole mortal girl business I-" she freezes and looks at me wide eyed.
"It's okay, if it helps, I know you used to be a vengeance demon."
"Oh, that does indeed help considerably. I find myself having to explain my behaviour a lot to people. Usually when they are very angry at me for some reason. It's hard to tell them I recently mortal and have no idea how anything works." She turns to the approaching waitress "how long do the burgers last, in the refrigerator? Without decaying to the point of being unpleasant tasting when you reheat them?"
The waitress, a girl about our age who should audition for Rizzo in Grease because she would just nail it, scratches her head with a pencil.
"Three days? Maybe. The lettuce would get kinda manky though".
"I shall take three burgers to go please. Hold the lettuce. She is paying. And a chocolate shake, whatever is biggest and therefore most expensive."
I… okay, whoah, factoring in "recently human" here and…
Crow is not on the menu, so… "Turkey on rye for me. Make that two, wrap one to go." Cut rate Rizzo nods and leaves us, and the stage to me.
"So, as I was saying I wanted to have sex with Xander to get him out of my system."
"Does that even work?"
"Screwed if I know." She says. "But as it turns out, having sex with someone else does the trick just fine. So I am all good."
"So, you aren't mad at Xander?"
"Why would I be?" She shakes her head, confused. "Should I be?"
"So, you didn't like, and no judgement here, but… oh I don't know, cast a spell on him to turn him into a girl?"
"Ahhh, the classics. I did enjoy inflicting that one on deserving males." She says. The waitress places her shake down, and Anya gives a little excited clap over the beverage. "Not as good as just making their penis fall off or turn into an angry snake, of course."
"So you didn't?"
She takes a long, long suck of her shake, staring at me. I wait. She holds a finger up and swallows.
"No." She says. "Why?"
"Because I am Xander." I confess. "And before you say anything, not calling you after the prom was a totally, totally shitty thing and I really am sorry. I own it, I was a jerkazoid. An emotionally stunted man boy with zero ability to say that, though I thought you were, just breathtakingly good looking, that I was in love with someone and only said yes as a runner up deal, and again, that is also a shitty, shitty thing. So… uh… sorry."
She doesn't react, she just looks at me whilst she takes another, long, long drink from her shake. I wait. Again.
"You are much more attractive as a girl." She says. "Also you don't look as mentally deficient." She starts casually unwrapping her deli sandwich.
"Well thank you. I think." I say. She nods and takes a bite of what looks like a roast beef sub. "Oh, and if it means anything ontop that huge trashfire of an apology, I am sorry I lied to about being Xander's sister."
"Half sister." She says. "But you know, it's not a curse that is affecting you anyway."
This hits me like the punch I was expecting. I shift, awkwardly and swallow what feels like a lead weight. Not that I go around swallowing lead weights, mind you. I am not completely without imagination you know.
"Anya. Do you know what did this to me?"
"No, but I suspect it is divine in origin. Lower circle. Probably an Invocation of Geminora or something crass like that. I mean, finding out is trivial enough, I just need a Thorn Of Winter. And we have a whole shipment of those back at The Magic Box." She lifts her sandwich to her lips. "That someone who was definately not me was stupid enough to put 1000 on the order instead of 100." Nervous look. Smile. Bite. Chew.
"And here you go." Budget Stockard Channing says, with a tray full of food.
"Uh, if you don't mind." I say to her. "Can I get mine to go too?"
Anya looks at me innocently as she sucks down at the noisy end of her shake.
