Phoning it in 9
"Try and look a little more like a dog," I suggested. Murphy put on a dog collar and handed me a leash. He's not carrying a bag so I have no idea where he pulled it from. "I suppose that's a little better," I admit as we get to the crosswalk and he grabs my hand before we cross, like a little kid.
He looks both ways and waits for the light. Once we reach the other side, he drops down to all fours again and we continue on.
It's the middle of the day and about as safe as Sunnydale ever gets, so we can look around and find a place to stay without it being all that dangerous.
I need a couple of weeks to recharge my batteries before I walk us away from here. Yeah, I could probably do it in a day or two, but it'd be a bit more random than I'd like and I kinda miss civilization and people.
Even with company, empty worlds are lonely in a way that's hard to describe. Anyway, I happen to like BTVS even if I wasn't that fond of how things had turned out. I wonder how early we are in the series.
"That's the strangest dog I've ever seen," a voice says and I turn to find myself looking at John Ritter... erm, Ted the Homicidal android.
"He's a very rare breed," I tell Ted.
Looks like we are very early in the series, possibly even pre-series.
"I am a lost little boy," I tell him, "a responsible adult would take me home and call my parents to come get me."
"Or simply take you home," Ted agrees.
"Having a photographic memory of the town and its residents is unusual and possibly unnatural," I reply. "However most people keep copies of the phone book and local maps at home."
I watch Ted parse that as his programming decides what I've said is either correct or suspicious enough to require taking me somewhere private to dispose of me.
"Come with me and I'll help you get you home," Ted promises, offering his hand.
"Gee, thanks mister," I reply cheerfully, "that's real swell of you." I take his hand and he leads me off.
"Well I am a swell guy," Ted jokes.
I grin while Murphy rolls his eyes.
Twenty minutes later...
"I thought it might be a murder attempt," I say cheerfully as Ted stumbles back, missing his right arm.
Murphy drops the limb on the ground and growls at Ted.
"I'm programmed to dispose of anyone who learns my secret," Ted replies apologetically, using his left arm to take a frying pan off the stove and swing it at Murphy.
It does not end well for him.
"You really need to update your programming," I tell the torso on the kitchen floor, "this was about as bright as trying to turn off the blender from the inside."
"I agree," Ted says, smiling politely, "unfortunately as I'm programmed to 'be' Ted, any improvements would detract from that, so I've been forced to remain the way I am."
"I'll see about changing that," I tell him while picking up his torso. "Lab in the basement?"
"Yes and thank you," Ted replies politely.
Pulling back the carpet in the living room reveals the trap door to the basement. "Grab his limbs and follow me," I tell Murphy as I carry Ted down the stairs.
"Yeah, yeah," Murphy replies while I climb down the wooden steps.
"Ted's workroom is down here with your exes, right?" I ask.
"Yes, but I think it's beyond you," Ted replies. "I had to develop a new machine language and the technology myself. Unless you're a robot as well?" he asks.
"No, but I do have a degree in computer programming and have written my own A.I." I say, before recalling that was Merlin and not myself. That didn't make me miss Ghostwheel any less however.
"A prodigy?" Ted asks. "You may actually be able to figure out how to alter my programming then. Of course you'd still need several specialists to reattach my limbs."
"Pfft, easy," Murphy mutters as he comes down the stairs carrying all of Ted's limbs.
"What is he?" Ted asks.
"A dog," I reply with a grin.
"Woof," Murphy adds, before tilting his head and examining a brick wall.
"Hid your workshop behind the brick wall?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, but I'm afraid I can't tell you how to get in," Ted says apologetically.
Murphy smiles, showing a lot of teeth, then he simply walks over to the wall and puts his fist through it.
"How strong is he?" Ted asks.
"Ridiculously," I reply honestly, as Murphy demolishes the wall with glee.
What's revealed on the other side makes my jaw drop. We are looking out over an enormous room filled with banks of computers. The center of the room is open, showing there are more floors below this one as well.
"Fifty feet wide and a hundred feet long," Ted says proudly. "I won't bore you with how I tricked the government into making it so long ago, but let's just say the army corps of engineers do a damn fine job."
"Why is everything off?" I ask, as we step into the room over the scattered bricks.
"When I first built this body, I had to remotely control it using all these computers to run the software," Ted explains, as I spot the elevator panel on the wall and push the button to open the doors.
"But as computer technology advanced, you were able to upgrade until eventually you no longer had to operate it remotely," I guess as Murphy hits the button for the bottom level.
"No use wasting electricity running outdated equipment," Ted says. "The top floor only lasted about five years before I updated this second level enough to not need it anymore," he explains as the elevator sank down.
"The second floor probably wasn't needed for much longer either," I guess.
"About eight years," Ted says thoughtfully. "I didn't have unlimited funds and I had to be careful so the government didn't realize their backup communication center, in case of nuclear war, was more than it seemed."
"The Cold War ended and all the old projects got buried," I guess. "You no longer had funding, but the technology was advanced enough that you no longer needed government funding to keep yourself running."
"You would not believe what the power bills were like for this place," Ted says with a chuckle as the elevator doors open.
The computers on this level look like they were made in the mid eighties and as we walk we could see they got newer as we went along.
"Why are they all off?" I ask as we head for the far end, where the majority of lights were on.
"Didn't need them anymore," Ted replies. "Intel released the 486DX2 chip in March of 92 which made all of this redundant," Ted says happily.
"But it should have a backup of your programming I can update to make you a lot more user friendly while Murphy works on fixing your body," I tell him.
The computers at the far end are hopelessly outdated as the last five years have seen a dramatic increase in power as compared to the last quarter of the century combined. There's an old fashioned wooden desk with a twelve inch monitor taking up about eighty percent of it. I'd forgotten how large cathode ray monitors were. Murphy takes Ted from me and heads to the right hand side of the room which looks like a cross between a doctor's office and a Radio Shack, with various versions of Ted disassembled across a dozen medical tables.
I take a seat at the desk and hit the power button and watch Windows 3.1 boot up. "Oh dear god," I groan aloud.
Half an hour later...
"Finally," I mutter as it finishes booting up. I set down my paddle ball and get ready to work when I hear mad cackling.
Murphy is building a ten foot tall kill-bot. I'm pretty sure the parts for that did not come from... oh. I watch as Murphy reaches through Shadow with more speed and skill than I have ever seen before, to get parts for his walking death machine.
"Murphy, stop that!" I call out. "He needs to pass for human."
"Aww!" Murphy pouts.
"You can finish your robot, just don't turn it on," I tell him. "Then get back to fixing Ted. I'll develop an AI for the bot while I work on Ted's programming."
Murphy perks back up and rubs his hands together, cackling madly once more.
I ignore that as I concentrate on reaching through Shadow for more advanced computing tools. I really should have thought of this myself. It takes me ten minutes to fix Ted's programming and three of that was me cheating by using a Comprehend Languages spell. I download the updated programming into a micro-computer the size of a quarter and it's only that big because it prevents people from losing them as easily.
Murphy easily installs the micro comp alongside Ted's normal systems and then closes him up with a tool I'm pretty sure I've seen on Star Trek.
Ted blinks and sits up, examining himself. "I seem to be repaired. In fact, everything seems to be running a lot more smoothly."
"Glad we could be of service," I tell him. "We'll be here for a couple of weeks-"
Murphy interrupts me, by tapping on my arm and pointing at his kill-bot.
"Hold on," I tell him and reach through Shadows to retrieve the head of a droid that is tailor made for this situation. I hand it to Murphy and he cackles and gets to work, ripping at its guts to add to his creation.
"As I was saying, we'll be your guests for the next two weeks," I tell him.
"I'll prepare the spare room for you," Ted replies.
"HK-47, online," the robot Murphy built announces. "Statement: Point me towards the enemy."
"That sounds ominous," Ted notes as Murphy cackles once more.
"A little instruction and he'll be fine," I reply, wondering if I should have used something less dangerous.
"Statement: Evil cackling is all well and good Master, but I wish to fulfill my purpose," HK-47 tells Murphy. "Query: Might I destroy these two flesh bags for you?"
"Yep, next time I'm grabbing Bender," I decide.
"I need to return to work," Ted says. "Do you want anything special for dinner?"
"Pizza, chili, and a dozen pair of flip flops," I tell him.
"Query: I notice a distinct lack of weapons," HK-47 announces, "is this going to be rectified in the near future?"
Murphy stops cackling and says, "Woof."
"I'm your master, Murphy is my dog," I tell HK-47.
"Woof," Murphy repeats as Ted departs.
"Resigned statement: The statistical probability of getting a sane master decreases with each activation," HK-47 notes. "Hopeful query: Is your mental aberration one that will lead to satisfying amounts of violence and destruction?"
"How do feel about lurking in the dark and shoving wooden stakes into the hearts of those with low body temps?" I ask.
"Relieved statement: If I were programmed to have a hobby, that is one I would find enjoyable."
"Woof?" Murphy says, obviously confused.
"Sunnydale is filled with undead and demons," I explain.
Murphy looks around nervously.
"Relax," I tell him, "vampires are about five times as strong and fast as a human and while some demons are stronger, most are weaker and none are faster."
Murphy frowns.
I nod. "Demons and undead are based around humans, who are pretty weak overall."
Murphy nods and relaxes.
"Statement: I believe religious items are used to ward off demons and the undead. Request: I would like my choice of religious items so I may do the same," HK-47 says.
"Blasters and grenades?" I guess.
"Defensive reply: If you know of something more effective I'd like to see it."
I would sigh, but he has a point.
Typing by: Abyssal Angel
