Phoning It In 10
"...and this is my nephew Merlin and his dog Murphy," Ted introduced us. I'm not normally one for golf, but mini-golf is fun and it was nice of him to introduce us to the Summers family and their friends.
"Hi!" I waved cheerfully, Murphy copying me before dropping down on all fours again.
"Are you sure that's a dog?" Joyce asked Ted quietly.
"He was rescued from a lab by Merlin," Ted replied. "Pretty sure he's at least forty percent canine."
That seems to satisfy Joyce as everyone lined up to play.
"Why do you have two balls?" Dawn asked me as the adults teed off first.
I knew I really shouldn't, but the smartass is strong with me. Xander actually covered his eyes and groaned as I opened my mouth, but Buffy covered my mouth with her hand before I could say a word.
"Buffy!" Joyce chastised her.
"What?! He was going to say something!" Buffy defended herself, taking her hand off my mouth.
I turn to a red faced Dawn and said, "I paid for an extra ball so Murphy can play too."
Joyce gave Buffy a look before she and Ted went ahead to the green, leaving the five of us behind.
"Sorry," Buffy apologized, "I guess I jumped the gun, but you had a Xander look on your face."
"I'd say 'hey', but it did look like you were about to infringe on my copyright there," Xander joined in.
I laughed. "I actually have no idea what I was about to say, but now I'm wondering... Why two? I mean I understand having a backup is important, so you need more than one, and the reasons we don't have six are obvious, but two?"
"I'm going to tee off now," Buffy said, deciding not to involve herself in the conversation.
"I know this one!" Willow said, happy that her scientific knowledge was actually useful here. "Testes are incredibly complex and energy intensive to maintain, as well as being a major vulnerability, so one and a spare is the best tradeoff of practicality and security."
"That makes sense, thank you," I told her, smiling cheerfully.
"Why not six?" Xander asked, and then before she could reply added, "You said you know why six didn't work, so how come?"
"Ever seen those executive desk toys where they have a line of balls hanging down that makes the same number on the other side of the line of balls move when they clank together?" I asked.
"It's called a Newton's cradle," Willow interjected.
"Well, just like that, all us guys would be continually distracted trying to perform tricks like going from one ball to two rather than hunting for food," I explained as Willow teed off, a disturbed look on her face.
"It should be possible though," Xander agreed absently, his hips swinging a little from side to side, as he mentally tried to work it out. "My turn," he said as he shook off the thought and teed off.
"This is the strangest conversation I've ever heard," Dawn said as she watched Xander straighten up and goes to join Willow and Buffy on the green.
"You're welcome," I told her cheerfully as she hit her ball.
I watch Dawn closely, following her every curve... erm those not on her physical body. See, Dawn is the KEY, a means of opening all the barriers between dimensions. Sound familiar? Well, it should, I just described the Pattern. Dawn is a living embodiment of the Pattern.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Things apparently went well enough that we were all having dinner at Joyce's.
"Best behavior now." Ted reminded us, taking an Arabic oil lamp out of Murphy's hands. Murphy had sifted shadow to get it after he saw a copy of Aladdin on top of the VCR. He really loves Disney movies for some reason. "Wish I'd brought a dinner gift," Ted said.
I take the lamp from him and sift shadow to grab a blackberry pie. "Granted," I replied handing it to him. "Now go give Joyce a hand."
"Thanks," Ted said with a bright smile. "Wish me luck."
"Good luck," I replied as he vanished into the kitchen.
"Gotcha!" Dawn exclaimed, snatching the lamp from me. "You owe me three wishes!"
I ran the last thirty seconds through my head and could see where she got the idea I was a genie and that was my lamp. That gave me an excuse for something I had been half considering anyway, so I quickly took advantage of the situation. Tapping the lamp, I shoved it into shadow, causing it to vanish in a cloud of 'smoke', before I sifted shadow to pull out a gold ring to hand to her.
"Here, wear this," I told her. "It's harder for someone to steal it from you and serves the same purpose. Now, do I have to read you the rules?"
"Are they the same as Disney?" she asked, putting the ring on and examining how it looks on her.
"Not really," I replied. "I'm perfectly capable of killing, resurrecting, and making people fall in love. Though I would seriously suggest avoiding those types of wishes."
"What is wrong with those types of wishes?" Dawn asked curiously.
"There were four forbidden wishes in Aladdin and each had a pretty solid moral reason behind them," I explained.
"Like what?" Dawn asked curiously, running her fingers over her ring with an excited grin.
"Wishing for someone to die is murder, wishing to resurrect someone is worse, as you're ripping them out of heaven and both love and more wishes falls under slavery," I listed off.
"Disney?" Willow asked, as she came downstairs with Xander and Buffy.
"Yep," I agreed. "Forcing someone to love you is no more than slavery and the worst thing is they don't even know they're enslaved."
"And the wishing for more wishes?" Buffy asked.
"Then you are enslaving the genie and perverting their purpose," I replied, as I consider the 'typical' genie setup where they teach people lessons.
"So what would be good rules to follow if you had a genie?" Dawn asked, trying to be subtle and pretend we were discussing hypothetical genies.
"Well for one, don't tell anyone," I told her. "Do you know how many people would do horrible things for a wish? Plus the wishes are meant specifically for the person who found the lamp. That sort of thing doesn't happen just by accident."
"Yeah, I can see bad things all around if some villain found out," Xander agreed. "Best case scenario you waste a wish rescuing your friends and family."
"Don't anger the genie, wishes are easy to twist and they have loads more experience with wishes than you do, so be nice and don't be afraid to ask for their advice," I offer.
"So it's the genie's attitude more than the wording that makes a wish good or bad," Buffy said thoughtfully.
"It's the intent behind the wish that makes it good or bad," I corrected her, "but the attitude of the genie will definitely effect how much you enjoy the outcome of the wish."
"Don't rush into making wishes," Willow said. "Unless casually saying the 'W' word sets it off, in which case make them quickly before you accidentally waste them."
"No accidental wishes," I replied, shaking my head, "that's an evil genie act. A genie should only listen and grant wishes deliberately made while in their presence."
"In their presence?" Willow asked. "Aren't they always around?"
"No, if all they did was hang around invisibly waiting for you to make your wishes, it'd be very creepy and enslavy. Being a genie is like a job, you can do your thing while waiting to fulfill your contract," I replied.
"That's a good one," Willow agreed. "That changes a lot of things, like the morality of making wishes."
"Now, granting wishes is a tricky thing, the more powerful and far-reaching the wish is, the more that can go wrong, because while genie's may have a lot of power, that doesn't mean they have any form of omniscience to go with it."
"Can't they just peak at the future?" Dawn asked.
"Nope, that is one of the hard and fast rules of genies, they aren't allowed to know the future, in fact I would suggest avoiding any kind of time manipulation at all," I said, shaking my head.
"So what would be safe and useful wishes?" Dawn asked.
"Money," Xander suggested.
"That's a classic Monkey's Paw wish," Willow said, "a relative dies and you get an inheritance."
"Money is a safe wish, but you have to deal with the taxes," I disagree with her. "You can wish for ankle deep gold coins in your basement, but magic does not do paperwork."
"Could you wish for something from an alternate timeline so you didn't affect causality?" Willow asked. "Like, for a computer from 2015 or a bestselling book series?"
"Yes, but then turning those into cash is up to you," I told her, "and may not be as successful in this timeline, while gold and gems are always gold and gems, even if you have to launder them."
"I like the pirate treasure idea, but why only ankle deep?" Xander asked.
"Basements are generally a pretty good sized area, so ankle deep is rich without going too far overboard," I explain.
"Sounds like a good first wish to me," Dawn decided.
"A couple cubic feet of gold would make life easier," Willow agreed.
"What would a good second wish be?" Dawn asked.
"Love," Buffy suggested. "If all your physical needs are covered by money, then you go for emotional."
"We already covered that," Dawn pointed out. "No wishing for love as it's the worst form of enslavement."
"Love's enslavement?!" Buffy asks before recalling the earlier comment. "That still sounds wrong," she complained.
"Halloween was weird," Dawn said out of the blue, causing the Scoobs to exchange worried glances. "How about wishing... I had superpowers so I could protect myself and my friends?"
"Or that we all did?" Xander says absently. "Erm, I mean that we were immune to gas leaks and such."
Dawn rolled her eyes amused. "Then I would wish we were all 'powerful' enough to ignore gas leaks."
"Now that sounds like one of those wishes that you'd have to wait a week or two to happen," I told her. "Cause everyone is different, that's why no to comic book origins are the same."
"Dinner is ready," Joyce announced and everyone headed for the dining room.
I ended up sitting between Dawn and Ted. Murphy sighed as he found his plate on the floor, but the fact that he's eating the same thing we are made him smile. He took a napkin off the table and tucked it into his collar like a bib before sitting down to eat.
Willow and Xander looked at Buffy, but she shrugged as she sensed nothing demonic about him.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" Dawn asked me, causing Joyce to smother a smile.
"Searching for radioactive spiders." I replied. "Wanna come?"
"Sounds like fun," Dawn agreed.
Now all the teens and adults were trying to hide their amusement at us making a 'date'. Oh, well, it was a little amusing and would cover for me spending more time around Dawn, making sure she keeps wearing the ring I gave her so it becomes attuned to her.
0o0o0o0o0o0
"Have fun on your date, squirt!" Buffy called out.
"It's not a date!" a red faced Dawn yelled back, before slamming the front door behind her. "Sorry," she apologized.
I rolled my eyes but replied, "Don't worry, I know you prefer older men."
"It's not like that," Dawn lied, blushing furiously.
"It is and in the local alternate timelines that I've peeked at, you and him don't get together until you graduate from college," I told her as we started walking.
"Seriously?" she asked, looking disappointed.
"Would you rather he was the type who was attracted to pre-teens, which you won't be for much longer, or the type who is attracted to mature women, which you shall become?" I asked.
"Okay, you got a point there," Dawn admited. "Personally, I want him to be attracted to me for me and not for my age."
"He has a thing for your sister right now, which Buffy will screw up because... well, she's learning to be a good person in addition to a hero," I explained.
"So all that vampire stuff was true?" Dawn asked, not sounding all that surprised.
"Buffy is The Vampire Slayer," I agreed.
"Back to Xander," Dawn said. "So nothing until I'm an adult?"
"Not at all, just nothing sexual. Xander is a hugger and a cuddler, which you get to take full advantage of for many years," I assured her.
"Glad my sister's too stupid to take advantage of his interest in her," Dawn said.
"She does," I disagreed, "just not physically. Buffy is very manipulative and hasn't matured enough to appreciate him as a friend yet. She's treating him as a combination of other friends' property and boy to manipulate for whatever she can get from him."
"Ouch," Dawn said, adjusting her X-Men backpack as we walked.
"A little of that back sliding into a bitch was caused by some mental trauma when Xander was possessed by a primal spirit," I explained. It was nice to have all the answer or at least a majority of them.
"Well, I hope she gets over that soon," Dawn said. "So... other women in Xander's life?"
"Willow, who he is really repressing an attraction to," I replied as I thought about how the timing of everything worked out, "but they have an 'almost soul mate' thing going on that ends up with them as friends so close their girlfriends never quite feel comfortable about it."
"Almost soul mate?" Dawn asked and then follows up with "Girlfiriends?" before I could answer.
"There is no such thing as a soul mate, it's just an excuse for someone to be over dramatic, and or cheat on the person they are seeing usually," I explained. "The closest thing to a soul mate is two people who fit together and help each other through life. It's not a continual thing nor is it sexual, it's more like... pack mates."
"BFFs?" Dawn suggests.
"Best Friend Forever kinda fits, but the forever part is wrong, as I said, it comes and goes. It takes time and effort to maintain and they don't always put in the time or effort," I explained, not quite sure whether I was right, but pretty sure I was in the ballpark.
"Girlfriends?" Dawn reminded me.
"Willow is bi, but for her own reasons will claim to be a lesbian so neither of their significant others can complain or come between them," I replied. "She doesn't figure it out until college anyway."
"As long as she's not sleeping with Xander behind my back, I suppose it's okay," Dawn decided. "How many people that I know are Bi or gay?" she asked curiously.
"All of them," I replied. "Humanity in its natural state doesn't really discriminate, the rise of religion and their need to control people is what created the current social norms. Man is much more like chimpanzees who blow each other to say hi or masturbate to thank someone for helping them do something."
"Why don't they teach that in school?" Dawn asked wondering if it was true or he was just pulling her leg.
"Because not only would religious groups oppose it, the LGBT community, which are simply labeled as the gays right now, would go nuts as well," I replied.
"How does that make sense?" Dawn asked confused. "I mean, I can see the religious people getting upset, but the gays?"
"Sexuality is like milk, we have preferences, but will still drink it plain when there is no chocolate milk available," I replied. "But the gays, or at least a large chunk of them, claim, at the top of their lungs, that they love plain milk and that they have no choice and thus are special and should be protected from chocolate milk drinker and given preferential treatment. They hate being told they are just normal human beings, especially when it takes away special privileges, like getting extra money to go to school or being allowed to discriminate against chocolate milk drinkers and feel special."
"As long as they aren't drinking my milk, I don't think I care," Dawn offered.
"They've based their entire life around their milk drinking habits, so you not caring is a threat to their identity," I explained. "Thus you are the enemy and oppressing them. Recognize your chocolate milk drinking privilege!"
Dawn gave me a look that clearly doubted my sanity. "That makes no sense at all," she complained.
"It doesn't have to make sense, you just have to repeat it over and over until people accept it without question," I replied.
"I prefer Banana anyway," Dawn said. "Wish I could get some, but they stopped selling it."
"Have willow check for grocery stores in the UK or Australia that ship dry goods overseas and you can order some," I replied. "Nestle still makes it, just not in the US."
"Did I just waste my last wish?" Dawn asked with a groan, sure she'd just screwed things up.
"Of course not," I assured her, "you didn't really mean it as a wish."
"That's a relief. Where are we going anyway?" she asked curiously, as we had been walking for a while.
"The old CRT Facility," I replied, as we crossed the street to the locked gate. I twisted the padlock off like it was made of playdoh.
It's good to be a prince of Amber.
Typed by - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith, who is so very sorry about the delay. Also, when did the SI/Merlin get to the Buffy-verse? The hell did I miss? Also, curiously enough, This is Phoning it in Chapter 12, and it is 12 pages long. Fun co-inky-dink.
