Clarke wouldn't look at her (after one fleeting glance when they'd first sat down), but after a moment her face had flashed with - what? Guilt?
"Remorse does not suit you," Lexa finally noted, and Clarke's blue eyes snapped up while her hand drew back as if Lexa was suddenly burning. Clarke scowled.
"Uncertainty doesn't suit you." Lexa sighed. One of the things she most liked about Clarke was her ability to read people. Clarke was able to make quick (and, as in this case, accurate) judgements and act. Lexa did feel uncertain, and she found herself annoyed that Clarke had identified the feeling before she herself could process it. Before her thoughts could spiral, she felt Clarke retake and squeeze her hand.
"Have I told you how cute your pout is?" Clarke asked lightly, and oh Lexa realized that Clarke was deflecting. Knew how often Clarke avoided talking about things that made her uncomfortable. After witnessing Raven's explosive outburst, though, she allowed Clarke the time she needed.
"I do not pout, Clarke." A free finger reached up to bop her nose.
"You're doing it right now, Lex." Lexa rolled her eyes but stayed quiet again. They sat in silence, and normally Lexa enjoyed silence - she encouraged it in most people, in fact - but Clarke's inability to address the very big and new issue was making her feel…more than she expected. Not just uncertainty, as Clarke had said, but also something in the realm of anguish. The thought surprised her. The quiet was broken as loud thumps came suddenly from Raven's room and the girl emerged with a bang. The three of them stared at each other briefly before Raven made her way to the front door. She paused as she opened it, turning back to the room.
"Wick needs me at work. I'll be back in a couple of hours." She stepped over the threshold.
"I'm not leaving until tomorrow," Clarke called. Lexa saw Raven nod tersely before pulling the door shut behind her, and then she was alone with Clarke.
"Tomorrow." Lexa murmured, expending great effort to keeping her body language open rather than defensive. Blue eyes bored into hers, bright and open and longing. Lexa was unprepared for the emotion present in those eyes. It made her shift nearly imperceptibly in slight discomfort (she knew Clarke noticed).
Lexa brought her hand up to tuck an errant blonde hair behind Clarke's ear, then drew her hand down and cup her face. After a moment, Clarke turned just enough to kiss Lexa's palm. Lexa brushed the single tear that had escaped the blue eyes, hand shaking slightly. She brought her thumb down to soft lips, noting as she did so that the lips trembled as well. Lexa pulled gently until Clarke's forehead was resting upon her own.
"How are you so good, Lex?" Clarke asked after a moment. They breathed one another in for a beat before Lexa leaned back slightly and smiled softly.
"We are what we are, Clarke." Clarke tilted her head, eyes examining Lexa's full expression before saying,
"You're such a philosopher sometimes." The corner of her mouth turned up. "You make me feel calm when…" She trailed off abruptly, then got to her feet. Lexa missed the warmth right away as Clarke moved to the kitchen. While Clarke tinkered around, Lexa propped her chin on the back of the couch, watching her as she got lost in thought.
Lexa had met Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln in the lobby the previous evening (not planned) and they'd all climbed the stairs together. Raven had grumbled a bit before Octavia had threatened to withhold the bottle of wine she'd evidently brought for a 'wine and whine' night, and also mentioned that as Raven's Physical Therapist, she knew Raven was perfectly capable of climbing the stairs to the eleventh floor. As they ascended, Raven had all but forced Lexa to join them as "Clarke's just going to call you over anyway, and you must have something you wanna get off your chest." Lexa had, in fact, had a fairly terrible day. Byrne had called from London with a request for assistance on a case, which was the correct decision, but Lexa didn't want to travel at the moment. She'd been in a mood all day about it. Caris, who had lasted longer than most, had been especially jumpy.
Lexa had only opened her own door to throw her heavy coat inside before joining the party, but it was enough time for the other three to find Clarke. Lexa had seen anxiety attacks before, but never one as massive as the one Clarke had been going through. It had torn her heart to see Clarke experiencing one. It had taken so long to get her re-focused that Lexa was surprised Clarke hadn't passed out.
It was clear by the amount of worry and shock emanating from Raven and Lincoln that, despite the nightmares Lexa knew Clarke suffered, her anxiety wasn't a thing that either of them had experienced. Octavia was actually more initially helpful, having no preconceived notions that 'Clarke was too strong for this to happen to her'. Lexa had worked a lot with folks in the military - at all levels - to raise awareness on the effects of stress and experience on the mind. So many of the cases her company examined could've been prevented had proper care been offered to and/or accepted by service members and veterans.
Clarke reappeared at the couch with coffee, and Lexa took it eagerly (Clarke chuckled). After a couple of sips, she put the mug down.
"Is there anything I can do, Clarke?" The woman was staring down into her coffee, and for a moment, Lexa thought she hadn't heard her question. As she opened her mouth to rephrase her approach, Clarke turned and sunk back into the couch, letting out a deep breath.
"I didn't think I'd go back." Clarke's eyes flicked to Lexa before focusing away. Lexa knew that she just had to listen; it was a surprise that Clarke was opening up at all. After a bit, Clarke went on. "Even though I deferred my choice, my mind was made up. You give enough of yourself and then move on. Lexa, I am moving on." She turned her body, putting her mug next to Lexa's, pulling one of Lexa's hands between both of her own. "Everyone has been so amazing, and I met you and started painting again and finally had a civil conversation with my mother." She smiled ruefully. "Then they called me and a completely different answer came out." Lexa felt soft fingers caress the inside of her wrist.
"I wasn't...prepared in any way for that reality." After a moment of indecision, Clarke went on, "They offered me a job where I could help prepare people so they don't have the same learning curve that I experienced." She shrugged slightly, "Guess I had more to give after all." She paused long enough that Lexa spoke.
"I understand." Clarke quirked an eyebrow in a silent question (Lexa recognized the expression as one Clarke had picked up from her) and Lexa continued. "Sometimes the choices we make surprise even ourselves." Clarke was still looking at her, so Lexa continued. "I grew up on bases with no thought to not joining the military. Then, when my father pulled up to drop me off at the academy, I told him to keep driving. I transferred into an Ethics and Law program instead of following the path that I had expected."
"That's...I guess I see what you mean." A one-shouldered shrug, then a sigh and blatant attempt to steer the conversation away. "So. Ethics and Law, huh?" Lexa nodded.
"I founded a company that consults internationally on cases." She hesitated to continue, knowing why Clarke had been contacted after all these months was because an investigation was completed. In the end, she decided to tell her as much of the truth as she could. "We provide independent opinions and conclusions of operations and management of...difficult occurrences. Find the truth and morality of decisions made with unintended consequences." Clarke's fingers stilled against her hand, but Lexa met her eyes before going on with determination. "Many of our clients are military branches." Clarke recoiled in instant betrayal.
"What...the fuck, Lexa. Are you telling me...do you know…" Clarke jumped up again, putting space and furniture between them. Lexa stood but did not follow her.
"There is a good chance that my company is…"
"Yeah, no shit. Got that part. What the actual fuck?!" Lexa watched as Clarke balled up her fists, noticed the slight wince as her broken hand was bent too far, noticed also that Clarke hadn't moved completely away from her.
"I promise that I have no personal knowledge of your situation in particular. Lately my focus has been on our London office, which deals primarily with corporate European consulting." Clarke relaxed slightly, the set of her jaw becoming softer. After a minute, Clarke met her eyes again.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay, I trust you don't know for sure. But," Clarke bit her lip, "would you be able to check?" Lexa nodded at the same time she answered,
"I would be able to, but that does not mean I would without your permission." Clarke was surprised. "I am serious. Because we know each other, I could claim conflict of interest if anything ever came across my desk."
"And if I wanted you to know? If I wanted to tell you?" Clarke sagged against the couch, voice small. Lexa stepped directly in front of her, putting her hands on Clarke's shoulders.
"Then I would listen," she simply said, and suddenly Clarke was wrapped around her in a tight embrace.
"Thank you." Came Clarke's husky murmur in her ear. They held one another tightly for hours or minutes or seconds - all time ran together in that moment and Lexa felt undone.
L.W.L.W.L.W.
"I wish I could paint you like this," Clarke said as they strolled through the city after a late lunch. The afternoon sun shone off of Clarke's light hair as Lexa turned to look. "Your eyes in the sunlight turn this awesome mint color and your skin is so...glowy." Lexa laughed.
"Artists are supposed to be better with adjectives, yes?" She teased. Clarke rolled her eyes.
They'd spent the whole day together, talking about everything and nothing. They'd hit the major subjects of family and war, and minor subjects like movies and travel experiences. Lexa had listened as Clarke described some of what she'd been through, feeling the heavy weight of agony settle before Clarke regaled her of stories of massive pranks that Lincoln (!) had pulled off overseas. The day had been a rollercoaster.
"Glowy is an adjective. It is the perfect adjective for your skin, Lex."
"Most would use 'glowing' instead."
"Semantics." Clarke waived her hand dismissively. Lexa smiled widely. They were nearing their building now, so Lexa tugged them to a stop.
"Whether my skin is 'glowy' or 'glowing', Clarke, I thank you for your compliment." Clarke pulled her closer, and Lexa felt a jolt in her stomach as her lips were captured in a sudden soft kiss. Lexa opened her eyes as, just as unexpectedly, Clarke pulled back, eyes searching.
"I'm sorry I'm leaving."
"Don't be." Clarke swallowed and started to look away. Lexa darted her head to the left, following the other woman, ensuring that Clarke was looking at her before elaborating. "They are your people, you have to go back." Clarke was blinking rapidly, eyes misting.
"You're my people now, too. You and Raven. Octavia, Monty, Jasper; even your scary friend Anya," Lexa felt a wet laugh bark out and Clarke's face broke into a small smile at the sound.
"We will still be your people, Clarke, no matter where you are." Clarke's smile faded, and she bit her lip. Unable to resist, Lexa leaned forward and pecked her quickly. Clarke had a slightly pained look on her face when Lexa pulled back. "Come upstairs?" Lexa asked, starting to lead them into the building. Having an idea, she pulled Clarke past the elevators and into the stairwell. Clarke followed docilely behind as they climbed floor after floor before Lexa brought her to a stop between the 10th and 11th floors.
"Lex?" Clarke's voice projected her confusion. Lexa felt a full smile take over.
"I was standing here when I saw you the first time." Clarke startled.
"It is, isn't it?"
"You propositioned me within a minute of meeting me," Lexa teased, stepping into Clarke's personal space.
"You're hot," Clarke shrugged.
"I offered my window for the occasion." Clarke's eyes were darkening as she spun them and pinned Lexa against the wall, dropping her mouth to Lexa's neck.
"I've used your window on multiple occasions," Clarke pointed out between kisses and Lexa barely had the control to pull Clarke up to look directly into her eyes.
"Seeing as the window has not led to any of that type of activity…" Clarke cut her off briefly with a kiss. Lexa threaded her hands through Clarke's hair, encouraging the kiss for a moment before leaning back enough to disentangle her lips, going on, "what do you say we just use the door?"
