Say You Won't Let Go

"If I break…if I fall…will you still run to me when I call?"

13 BBY – Fury

Katara watched the ball float above her with varying interest, looking unsure as to what was happening before her. It took a long time for Xur to realize that she would never reach for it, as her motor skills were still developing from the ground up. Still, he found his own entertainment in levitating it for her while he sat in the pilot's chair. He found her eyes wandering around the cockpit to stare at the various lights and knobs, and eventually he let the ball drop as his own exhaustion began to take over.

He never imagined caring for a child could be so taxing, and it had only been a few days.

Those few days in solitude, however, had proven to show him things he would've never discovered if Trilla had never left with Ahsoka. Being away had shown him the value of her presence, as well as how much the mother of his child meant to him. They'd been together for over a year, and still, not once had the question ever come up to him.

Did he want that to be for the rest of his life?

The zabrak held living proof in his arms that that answer was yes, and yet he still hesitated. Was this something that Trilla wanted? Would she even agree? Was Katara all she wanted?

All of those questions were trivial, and he knew it. The only way to find out was to ask…but zabrak proposals weren't the same as they were for humans. Depending on the culture, sometimes the woman did the ask…but most of the time it wasn't really a question, more of a you're mine now kind of thing. While that might be good roleplay for later, that wasn't how he wanted this to go. In fact, he had no idea how he wanted this to go…so he did the next best thing.

"Do you love Mommy?" he asked Katara, who was busy looking around. She only regarded him for a moment, before laughing somewhat, to which he smiled. "Yeah, of course you do. What do you think would make Mommy happy?"

Katara looked directly back at him with her emerald eyeballs, and he caught her meaning almost immediately. "Ah, of course! How did I miss that?"

"Who are you speaking to?" Rava asked, plugged into the command port. "The infant is mentally incapable of understanding you at her current age."

Xur scoffed. "That's not the point, Rava."

"And what are you lusting about now? I believe the last thing Trilla needs right now is another traumatic surprise."

"It's not traumatic…it's…a commitment," Xur stammered, then wondering why he was debating with her in the first place.

"A commitment…you refer to marriage, I suppose?" Rava inferred.

Xur's eyes narrowed. "How did you—"

"You've taken far too long to get to this point, according to my research and calculations. Usually marriage is proposed before a couple conceives a child."

The zabrak scoffed, swaying slightly in his chair to rock Katara. "Well, we're not average people."

"An admittedly true statement," Rava conceded. "Very well. If you once again require my services…I can offer them to you."

Xur smiled. "Thanks Rava."

Her optic blinked for a moment, almost as if a data dump had come in, and she rotated her head. "But it appears you may be on your own for this endeavor."

He could sense it…Trilla had returned from her mission.

Finally.

"You wanna go see Mommy?" Xur asked Katara, whose own eyes flashed awake in recognition. "Let's go see her."

Walking across the ship with his daughter in his arms, he tapped the door control and let it quickly slide open, and Trilla was approaching at the base. Almost immediately upon seeing her, his heart leapt and gleamed, and the happiness he felt just seeing her again was almost indescribable.

Xur picked up Katara's hand and waved it for her. "Say hi."

Trilla's smile blossomed across her face as she approached, helmet in one hand as she waved the other in return. "Hi baby girl! Mommy missed you very much," she said, approaching and pulling Xur in for a hefty kiss that he returned with equal fervor. Once she pulled away, she flipped up her helmet. "Can we trade?

"Of course," Xur smirked, happily willing to relinquish himself of caretaking duties for now. When Trilla took Katara back into her arms…it was only then that Xur noticed the cut on her right cheek. Reaching out, he slid his thumb across it. "What's this?"

"It's nothing," she shook him off with a reassuring smile, although one that did not hide her obvious exhaustion. "Just…I'll get into details later. I think Katara needs to feed."

He accepted her standpoint for now…knowing what it was like to be in her shoes. Something was weighing down upon her as well, and he could only assume it was something she had experienced on Onderon. She looked utterly spent, and he could see it in her fading eyelids, not to mention the way she carried herself…much more slouched and less proper.

"Want me to get you a drink?" he offered, just as she began to make her way onto the Fury, letting her cape drop behind her after the door shut.

"Oh, yes please," she sighed gratefully. "Thank you, darling."


Trilla reluctantly set her sleeping daughter back into her capsule, planting a sweet and soft kiss on her forehead. Holding her again had been part of the desperate rejuvenation she needed from the taxing events of Onderon, and she was happy to say that Katara looked as great as she had hoped, which meant Xur had been able to adjust to his responsibility. She smiled to herself at his completion of her small test, as well as her reaffirmation that she had chosen the correct partner to do this with.

"Goodnight, my darling little girl," Trilla half-sang, and then shut the capsule, leaving Katara to her dreams. Almost immediately she felt a hefty sigh emerge from her mouth, and watching her daughter drift off to sleep made her want to follow suit…but her desire to converse with Xur was far greater than her current exhaustion.

The sting of her slight wound was keeping her awake anyhow.

Sluggishly pacing into the central area of the Fury, Trilla found Xur sitting in their couch setup beside the bar and kitchen, scrolling through a datapad with two drinks already set up on the central table. Smiling once he saw her emerge, Xur began to rise, but the wave of her hand kept him planted, and she settled in beside him, letting her head rest on his shoulder. He took the hint, wrapping her in his grip as she snuggled into him, long relinquished of her gloves and armor pieces.

"I missed you," she mumbled, letting the relaxation set in throughout her tired body.

Xur kissed the top of her head. "I missed you too."


"It seems our stunt at the Fortress has opened some eyes," Trilla revealed, sitting close beside Xur as she nursed the glass in her hand. "A lot of those men on Onderon were inspired by what we did…" she then scoffed. "Even Saw was willing to thank me…shake my hand."

"That's good hun," Xur smiled, her flesh hand clasped in his as he took another sip. "That means people are beginning to trust you."

Trilla slightly grumbled to herself. "I still don't particularly like him very much…but he's not as incredibly annoying as Tano can be."

Xur scoffed. "Well, the fact that both of you got out of that alive tells me something must've gone right."

She didn't respond immediately, her eyes pacing away towards the holotable in the center of the room as she took a hefty drink from her glass. Trilla's lips shuttered for a moment before she finally admitted, "She's not terrible…and not exactly the horned bitch I thought she was."

Xur held his tongue, letting her speak.

"Her righteous attitude is exhausting, however. Hence why I feel the need to drink so heavily at this moment," she winked his way, which was usually the first sign of her intoxication.

"Have at it," he granted. "Just…maybe no throwing up…I'd still like to…" he trailed off, unsure as how to put it, but he knew she'd pick it out anyway.

Trilla adopted another one of her devious smirks, before creeping closer and pressing her lips against his, sharing a kiss he could only imagine since she had left the Fury. He'd forgotten how good she was…actually more how good they were at linking together. Once they pulled away, and the delicious taste of her faded, she took his hand again and reclaimed her spot.

"No reason to worry…I will be sure to maintain enough of my focus for us to properly welcome each other once again," she flashed him a knowing smile, and then proceeded to take another drink.

Xur found himself pausing…that same question he asked himself earlier coming back now that Trilla had returned. He felt the need to probe her for her own mindset…and if the idea had ever even crossed her mind. There was no denial that they loved each other, but this was the final step…the absolute end of the road. For some reason that terrified him, but after every ailment he had felt with her not around, it made more sense than ever.

He had to ask…but in the right way.

"You know I love you…right?" he asked, to which she only gave him narrowed eyes.

"Of course…and I love you too."

You need to do better than that.

But he couldn't go too far if he wanted to keep it a surprise. Trilla could smell a secret like a hound sic to meat, and she had known him plenty long enough to know when he was hiding something…in fact she picked him apart only a moment ago…but he also knew how to slip things past her. Mainly that was via conversational distractions, or harder topics that made her think deep enough not to notice, as well as painting a prerequisite picture she believed she understood and then go the other way. He'd been able to stand next to her for six months without her ever knowing it…with help of course, but he himself was cunning enough to pull it off.

"Do you have any idea where you're from?" Xur asked, and she cocked her head in wonder. "Planet, city?"

She bit the line without a second thought. "Hmmm…I've speculated some places," she admitted. "But, since I'm human…it's a tad more difficult than it might be for you," she smirked, before diving back in. "I believe I am most likely originated from the Core Worlds or the Colonies. My manner of speech is certainly from there."

"Yeah, nothing like us Mid-Outer Rim barbarians," he joked, to which she shrugged.

"No, we're much more proper than you lot," her thumb rubbed the back of his hand as she smiled.

"It's very sexy," he admitted.

Trilla couldn't even hide her blush this time. "Anyhow, I have a few planets I've considered, among those Brentaal, Alsakan, perhaps even Balmorra."

Of those planets, Xur had only been to Balmorra, and Trilla didn't exactly strike him as a Balmorran…but since her accent was mostly gained from spending time on Coruscant most of her life, anything was possible.

"In all honesty…I'm not sure it matters," she admitted. "They're all so deep in Imperial territory anyhow."

It didn't. It wouldn't change how he felt about her in the slightest, but it was necessary to plant the thought and lead to the next. "If you had a planet…any planet you would like to settle down in, what would it be?" The look she gave him asked for parameters, and he tipped his head. "Name a climate or biome."

She looked away, smiling to herself slightly. "A little wet, but green…overcast every now and then…somewhat like Zeffo, believe it or not. I'd love to have days to listen to the rain against the ceiling…and take Katara out front and wrap her shivering body in my grip…perhaps a blanket to keep her warm. I'd like to tell her stories about her persistent father who persevered…and never gave up on her mother, and how she always knew deep down that she loved him…even if she had convinced herself that she did not," her eyes looked upon Xur with pride, and he only listened, letting her continue. "I'd like to walk up to the cliffs and feel the wind kiss my skin as I watched over the landscape," she then shifted, leaning in until her head lay atop his chest, and he took the hint to embrace her. "I'd like to have the man I love right beside me…always…and while I know he may have his duties, and I mine, I'd want to sleep peacefully every night knowing he is still safe, and that when we return, our family will be able to return to that place…perhaps have a warm meal, ask my daughter how her day was. I'd like to have space to teach her all that I know, to show her how to be strong, how to speak…room to grow."

Trilla looked up, instilling her gaze upon his as she caressed his face. "I'd like you to be there when I need you…just as you always are, and always have been. I'd like to return the favor, to be your light…your guide…your everything."

I'd like you to ask me to marry you.

Xur brushed her hair aside and kissed her forehead, receiving the answer he had searched for. "It'll happen…I promise."

Her gaze softened. "Coming from you…somehow I believe it."

"Somehow?" Xur mocked.

Trilla rolled her eyes, and then set aside her drink, clambering atop him forcefully. "Shut up," she demanded, and then lurched forward for a passionate kiss, and Xur felt that incredible, unfading ecstasy return to him.

"That's one way to shut me up," he teased, and she only giggled, letting the motions do the talking from that point forward.


You can't have her…

What do you want from me?!

Trilla's eyes flashed open as she awoke in the middle of the night, her vision immediately focused clear after the memory faded back into nothing. Shaking it off and closing her eyes, she quickly discovered she wasn't getting back to sleep anytime soon. Succumbing to her fate, she quietly dressed herself in sparse clothing, being sure not to wake up Xur, and then slipped out of the room to pace the ship. After what they had just done…it would take a lot to wake up her zabrak boyfriend.

This was not the first time Cere's last moments replayed in her dreams.

It was a healing wound, her old master's passing, but not healed quite yet. Delving into her fate meant delving into their respective journeys, sufferings and conflicts, all memories she had tried to bury as deep as she could. They always traced back to Kamparas…to the Fortress, to the Second Sister, to Bracca, to Zeffo, to Zakuul, to Ordo Eris, to Kashyyyk, to Ziost…and back to that moment.

So much pain…so much hatred…so much suffering.

I am so…so very sorry.

Tears rolled down Trilla's face as she swallowed her hefty gulp of water, leaning over the bar as she began to snivel and sob. It was as if none of it had ever meant anything, as on Onderon she had merely fallen right back into her old habits, tapping into her hatred without even a second thought.

Cere, Effa, Kaidan, Blaze, Mars, Brutis…did they all die just for her to become her own worst nightmare again?

Trilla had no answer…because deep down she knew there was no hiding from herself, and she had become naturally spiteful…devious…

Broken.

Was she taking advantage of Xur without even knowing it? She never even considered to tell him the reality of what she had experienced, straight out of fear that he'd be disappointed in her for giving in once again. Instead she'd returned, held her daughter, batted her eyelashes at him, and then made love in a manner that could easily hide all the dark realities of her soul.

She knew it. She was an evil person…and she always would be.

Cries could be heard from Katara's room.

Snapping her out of her self-pity, Trilla did her best to wipe her eyes clean and slightly jog to her daughter's room, and after shutting the door to try and conceal the noise, she opened the capsule. Katara wasn't quite wailing, but her pouts were heartbreaking and saddening in the eyes of her mother, and Trilla did not hesitate to corral her into her arms.

"Shhh," she hushed. "Mommy's here…mommy's here," she soothed, but couldn't even conceal her own sniffle. "I'm always here."

Katara kept crying, and only then did Trilla confirm that her connection to her daughter was not only strong…but somewhat unnaturally so. Emotions were transferred instantly as Trilla felt them, and she knew that the only way to get her daughter to cease her crying, was to have herself come to terms her own.

With a calming breath, she took a seat on the rocker and wiped Katara's tears away. "Don't cry, sweetheart," she eased. "Your mother has just…done many things she will have to tell you about one day…and she isn't sure she will have the strength to. You're so pure…so unblemished, but I am far from that…so very far from that."

Katara finally opened her eyes, looking up to Trilla as she caressed her face. "But I want you to know that whatever you may think of me when you learn the truth…that I will never stop loving you. If I had to do it all again, just to have you with me…here…in my arms, I would do it without hesitation.

"You mommy loves you…she loves you so very much."

Her daughter drifted off to sleep again, and Trilla could not find the strength to leave her. Instead, she laid back, humming various tunes to herself…thinking.

Thinking about the future.


13 BBY – Tranbir IX

Xur was never one to suffer from anxiety…that was Trilla's forte…but for some reason, ever since he had woken up, his heart had not stopped pounding. Even his incredibly sore body was an afterthought, product of last night, his mind fully focused on the question he planned to ask today.

Waking up alone was normal, as she was always the early riser, but finding her passed out in Katara's room was not what he expected. They were both asleep in the most absolute form, and he had opted to leave them be until Katara's crying woke Trilla regardless. In that time though, he had managed to divulge his plan to Rava and have it all set.

The place he had in mind wasn't exactly romantic…but it had been important to them, as it was the first place he had ever realized how much she was worth to him.

And it was the place in which he would actualize it.

With their helmets slid over as they descended the loading ramp of the Fury, they entered the somewhat unpleasant heat as well as scarred surface of Tranbir IX. The trenches that had been dug out from the initial battle still cut into the land, even after five years of nothing but silence. To their right was that same Providence-class dreadnaught that had crashed upon its surface, and immediately he began to direct Trilla its way.

"I hope this is quick," Trilla remarked, unawares as to what was happening. "My mother instincts are telling me Katara will need to feed soon."

"Oh, don't worry," Xur assured her. "This shouldn't take long."

Trilla looked up, her violet optic slit panned towards the rusting wreck. "Are we searching for some sort of Separatist trinket?"

The zabrak shrugged. "I think so. That's all Rava told me."

"So this is her idea? Interesting. I was under the impression Reyna offered you assignments directly."

"She does…"

"But this one was beneath her?"

Dammit…why are you so fucking smart?

He already knew what she was going to say next, asking why they were being restricted to retrieval missions with their talents, so he switched it up.

"There's something for us here," Xur revealed. "Only us."

Trilla's scoff came out as a jumbled muff of air through her helmet vocabulator. "Is it a bomb?"

"No, it's not a bomb."

"So you do know what it is?"

He hesitated. "Kind of."

She grasped his upper arm, pulling him to face her. "Why are you lying to me?"

Of all days…she picked today to be paranoid, and even with her mask on he could tell she was becoming upset with him for his secrecy.

He just needed to win her over for the next few minutes.

"Do you trust me or not?" he asked, and she seemed to pause, regarding him for a moment…until her stance finally broke.

"Xur…what's going on?" she asked in a soft tone, more understanding than confrontational. "I don't like this."

"You will," he promised, taking her hand. "But only if you trust me."

There was slight hesitation, but in the end she took his hand. "Alright."

He smiled behind his helmet. "Come on," he pulled at her hand. "Follow me."

Leading her into the wreck, he felt her recognition resonate back to him, and her gaze scanned the familiar area with intrigue. It looked almost no different from five years ago, Xur noticed, which made it easy for them to follow the same path they had taken through the rusting metal and silent halls.

"I remember this place…" she noted. "I was much younger then…much different."

"Both of us were," he admitted. "This is the place where I realized something…something bigger than just my commitment to the Jedi, or my responsibility as a soldier and a leader."

They came up to that same overlook, and with a combined jump, they landed quietly together, as Xur felt it coming to a head. "This is it."

Trilla relinquished her hold on his hand, searching the area. "I remember when your fist clashed into that man's skull here," she recounted, taking a knee as she looked around. "Saving me from his grip collapsing my neck…killing me," she felt her mind fade back to that moment. "I could've died here…but you stopped that…you saved me."

"Trilla…"

When she turned, he was standing there, holding some kind of decorative ribbon in his hand, and through her HUD she struggled to contemplate what was occurring. Rising to her feet, she stepped forward. "What's this?"

She watched him stammer for a moment, but eventually his confidence returned. "I wasn't really sure how to do this, but zabrak proposals work differently…"

Trilla felt her mouth gape open as she took a few steps back, stunned. Her gloved hands fell over the area where her mouth would be, and she noticed his smile grow as his anticipation shook his own body.

"This is a…uh…betrothal necklace," he explained. "Usually I would put it on you and drag you around…but…I want you to do it."

She waited, holding back the trill of elation her throat was ready to emit. This was so him…the slight unease…trying to find a way to joke about the situation, but this time he had come up empty.

Getting ahold of herself, hard as it was, she accepted the ribbon, but did not take it out of his grip…waiting…hinting.

"Trilla…I…I want you to marry me."

She couldn't help herself…just as always…

She would make him work for it.

Reaching forward, she felt his emotions tip to confusion as she reached for his helmet, unclipping the seals and pulling it from his head. Revealing his slightly troubled expression, his fleeting smile as he looked from her to the necklace he held in his hands. Unhinging her own helmet, she tossed it aside and pulled her longer hair from her face, looking upon him with a confident smile.

Accepting the necklace, she watched his expression turn to happiness as she tied it around her neck.

Then she jumped into his arms and kissed him…leaving no doubt in his mind what her answer would be.

"Yes," she breathed; her expression turned to longingness. "By the Force…yes."

They both smiled, sharing the most passionate kiss they had ever shared, and already they knew their future would be forever entwined…as it was always meant to be.

"I love you, Trilla Eon," Xur declared.

"And I love you," she smiled. "With all my heart."