AN: Hello all. I am sorry for the long delay. I stopped posting after JK Rowling posted a(nother) transphobic tweet last summer, which goes against what I stand for and what I hoped Harry Potter stood for.

I hope, however, that the fanfiction universe can be better than that and affirm and love everyone, even if the original architect of this universe can't.

"Dueling club? That sounds usefu-Merlin! Run by Lockhart. Nevermind, that sounds hilarious!" George was practically doubled-over with laughter as he read the announcement that had appeared in their common room.

Lee and Fred crowded behind him. "We're obviously going."

Hermione slithered in front of them to be able to see the parchment.

"Do you think most of the school will go? Because that's when the last attacks have been-big all school events, Halloween, the Quidditch match. We've seen absolutely nothing interesting on the map-no, none of those trysts are remotely interesting Fred! And I still do not want to know which Professors visit with each other after hours-and the monitoring equipment so effing glitchy still. I think this might be our moment to catch them in the act," Hermione explained.

"How though? We can't whip out the map in the middle of the dueling club," George complained.

"One of us has to stay back then," Hermione started.

"OR, we create a huge distraction, which is a great idea just by itself, so no one notices if we're checking out the map. Hermione, maybe you can hold it and pretend you're taking notes as extra cover," interrupted Fred.

"That's the least insane or just flat out gross thing you've said in weeks," Hermione deadpanned.

She paused for dramatic effect then sighed, "Fine. But I'm not publicly sucking-up to Lockhart during this event. It's bad enough just in class."

The boys quickly dragged her over to their favorite corner to commence planning their "distraction."

**JP**JP**JP**

"Okay, so Lockhart told me there will be a demonstration between him and Snape and then he'll call on two students to demonstrate. And if I ever have to do that simpering 'Oh Professor, can you tell me how you're running the dueling club? I just want to be as prepared as I can, I'm ever so excited to be learning from someone as accomplished as you' character again, I may stab myself in the face," Hermione complained as the quartet trudged towards the Dueling Club.

The castle was half-hung with Christmas ornaments and mistletoe, but the sense of fear somehow pervaded the cheery decor. The chatter that came out of the great hall contrasted with the still quiet of the rest of the castle.

"Okay, so we definitely volunteer to demonstrate then," George effused. "We can even show off a couple of new spells, which-if we're lucky-gets us landed in detention. I'm starting to feel sort of slimy with how long it's been, like I haven't bathed." He shuddered dramatically.

They walked into the hall, which was indeed packed with most of the school, and the group looked at each other meaningfully. If Hermione's intuition was right, another prank attack would occur tonight.

On the dias above them, Lockhart was decked in brilliant purple robes studded with gems that twinkled in the light, his blonde hair coiffed into casual waves. He was strutting up and down the platform, waving his wand dramatically. Hermione thought he looked like a poorly-drawn cartoon. If so, their potion's professor was the quintessential villain; Snape watched the clown like a hawk as he lounged against the wall. Flitwick was excitedly talking to a crowd of Ravenclaw students.

"Shall we begin? Oh my! What a crowd! Professor Flitwick, you mustn't be too upset that the Dueling Club is more popular under my tenure. My fame…" He waved his free hand in a lazy spiral as if that explained anything at all.

The tiny charms professor didn't look at all upset, but rather grinned a little viciously. His Ravenclaws, however, looked murderous.

"Your dear potion professor has agreed to assist me in teaching you all this noble art," Lockhart continued grandly. He seemed unaware that Snape's gaze looked more predatory than helpful. Hermione tuned him out as she wove her was towards a wall where she could pull out the map under the guise of taking notes. The twins slowly made their way towards the front, while Lee casually wandered near her; he was running interference and keeping a look out to make sure no one saw Hermione's monitoring, and more importantly their precious map.

Lockhart had been right that the dueling club was popular. A few Ravenclaws stayed in their dorm's common room, all sixth years, so probably studying for NEWTs. She jotted their names down anyways. Slytherin in its entirety was at the dueling club, probably out of loyalty to their head of house. Or, as she glanced up at Lockhart and Snape who were now up on the platform to demonstrate, to watch their head of house humiliate their tacky defense professor.

Nearly all of Hufflepuff was here as well, although Ellen McIsaacs and John Fredelmann were in the kitchens, but that, they had all realized, was fairly normal (and the elves confirmed the students just snacked and awkwardly flirted). She scanned some more, not even looking up at the huge crash and the tittering from students that heralded Lockhart's ignominious defeat. She did snort as he babbled about "letting Snape win for demonstration purposes."

She half-listened as Lockhart announced they would bring some students up to demonstrate. A few more Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the library… oof, Angelina and Katie from Gryffindor were in McGonagall's classroom for detention; they'd complained bitterly about missing the dueling club.

She snickered when she heard Lockhart try to pick Potter, only to be interrupted by Fred and George begging to be allowed to demonstrate. She imagined the second year boy would be beyond relieved. She didn't need to see the twins' faces to know they promised only mischief.

Filch was patrolling the third floor… Dumbledore was in his office with Hagrid. That was maybe interesting; Fred and George had completely failed at getting Hagrid to open up about his school days or Acromantula. She was tempted to watch the students' duel-George versus Marcus Flint, who had eagerly volunteered once he discovered one of his despised Quidditch rivals was participating-when she spotted Ginny Weasley in a bathroom on the second floor. Her dot wasn't moving. Hermione felt herself painfully transported back to her own first year and hiding in a toilet until her big brothers had rescued her. Was Ginny doing so poorly that she was crying a toilet now? She watched the map out of the corner of her eye to make sure the girl wasn't just using the loo. Hermione had almost resolved to go investigate, but she decided it was more prudent to wait until this fiasco was over and get help.

George was casting absurd spells, setting off fireworks, setting Flint's hair in ridiculous styles all while chattering madly and dancing out of the way of the irate team captain. Flint kept casting increasingly strong blasting spells at the redhead.

"Woah, mate! That was a mighty fierce spell you cast there. Too bad you missed, again!" George taunted, ducking merrily.

Flint grunted, continuing to cast Bombardas and barely flinching as he was hit with spells that changed his clothes pink, made him dance a jig, gave him high-heels, made him sprout a tail… his largest reaction was when George hit him with a tickling spell, although even that was short-lived.

"You might want to work on your aim, ol' chap!" George practically sang, not noticing that Flint was now within a few paces of him.

"You-" He was silenced as Flint swung his meaty, non-wand arm back and punched George in the face, knocking him to the ground unconscious.

**JP**JP**JP**

Hermione had wheedled and argued and shed a few tears to get her and Lee into the infirmary to see George, leaving Madame Pomfrey muttering something about "If I let in every student who said they were practically family I'd be running a bloody day-care in here!"

"How are you feeling?" Fred asked in a concerned voice. He rubbed his nose unconsciously, seeing the fading bruises-courtesy of Madame Pomfrey's treatment- that blossomed like ink stains across the mirror-like face of his twin.

"Like a troll punched me in the face," George deadpanned.

Hermione snickered. If George could joke, it couldn't be that bad.

"In good news though, a number of people were commenting on your spell-work; Flitwick even said he was impressed with a couple of those spells, so it was good publicity," Fred continued earnestly. "I think it brings us back into the Hogwarts collective minds as dashing, bold innovators again, which will be critical once we open our shop."

"And our park!" George's voice was nasal and stuffy, as if he had a bad head cold.

"You're both mental," Lee whispered fondly.

"Anything happen after I was out?" George asked.

"No idea. We all left once you got knocked out. It looked like they were trying to set up pairs of students to duel, but there was pandemonium, so no idea how that went. Mini-lee here then spent the last twenty minutes convincing Pomfrey that she and Lee were practically family and thus should be allowed to visit-"

He was cut off by the Headmaster sweeping the doors of the infirmary with a wave of his arm.

"Poppy, we have another," he gravely announced.

The quartet craned their necks to see that the headmaster was levitating a body ("Justin Flinch-Fletchley!" Hermione gasped in recognition) behind him into the room.

The rest of scene was barred as the headmaster flicked his wand and the curtains around George blocked both the sights and sounds. Lee quickly added his own silencing spells so their noise wouldn't leak in the other direction.

"Okay, Mini-lee, you were right. What did you see?"

"Nothing!" she cried in frustration as she scanned her notes. "A couple of Hufflepuffs in the kitchen. Justin was one of the kids in the library. Literally every Slytherin was in Dueling Club. I counted twice!

"A couple of Ravenclaws were in their common room… a couple of Gryffindors in detention… oh, I almost forgot, Ginny was up in the 2nd floor lavatory. We should check to make sure she's not being bullied by anyone… oh!"

Hermione paused dramatically, "Hagrid was in the Headmaster's office."

"But if he was expelled for an Acromantula, it would be dismembering students, not petrifying them. Plus, I don't think Hagrid is much in for pranks," Fred mused skeptically.

"What if we're wrong about it's being a prank? Maybe he's getting revenge for being expelled?"

"Hagrid? I saw him cry over a bird that flew in a window for nearly an hour. There's no way he'd be attacking students for revenge."

Hermione sighed. "Yeah, you're right. Ugh. It's just we were so close! Whoever it was must have snuck out of the Dueling Club after I stopped watching."

"Or they were one of the Puffs or Claws in the library," George stuffily reminded her. "Can I see that list?"

They crowded around George as he held the list close to his face, comparing the names with their knowledge of the students.

"Ooh, what about that Smith character?" Fred suddenly exclaimed. "He's always been a bit of a prick, and he'll tell anyone who'll listen that he's a direct descendent of Hufflepuff. He seems to have a pretty healthy mean streak; I could see this whole thing being his idea of a good laugh."

"Ugh, I agree," Hermione scowled. "He kept coming up to me in the library last year offering 'any assistance I might need given my unfortunate upbringing.' It was almost worst than Malfoy's open derision, that cocksure confidence that I was inferior and that he was such a good guy to offer to help." She shuddered at the memory.

"Okay, let's monitor Smith then. If we can get our monitoring devices working, I'm sure we can figure out a way to sneak them into the Puff common room, or preferably his dorm."

Lee's suggestion was met by grandiose fake military salutes that left them all giggling, but feeling more hopeful than they had in weeks.