I sat at an empty table in the mess the next morning. I had a minor hangover and I felt like shit for crying so much last night. My eyes felt gritty and felt like they would stick together every time I blinked. My mouth was fuzzy, matching the feeling in my head perfectly. I absently stirred my coffee, slumped in my seat resting my head in my hand watching the liquid swirl around. The food on my tray sat untouched as I couldn't bring myself to eat it.
I cried so much last night I don't even remember passing out. A combination of exhaustion, lack of sleep and vodka knocked me out cold for a solid night sleep. I didn't dream. It was just I was crying on the roof with Jared one moment and the next I was waking up on the bed. I woke up about 20 minutes ago, on a bed with Natasha curled up against my back. Jared and Clint were both asleep on the floor. Both of them looked incredibly uncomfortable. No one moved a muscle when I got up. I wasn't exactly quiet as I left the room either.
I just wanted to go home. Our flight back wasn't until Coulson got here. Whenever that would be. No matter how much I begged Jared last night just to teleport me back he wouldn't budge on the matter. He'd broken enough orders by being here, let alone taking me away without the clearance to do it. Right now I'd give anything to just disappear from the face of the planet for an undisclosed amount of time and wallow in my grief.
"You look fucking terrible," a familiar voice said just before a tray was slammed down on the table.
I glanced up at Captain Gareth Hughes who hadn't changed a bit from when I last saw him. Except for his Captain rank on his uniform. He still sported the same typical short back and sides military haircut on his dark brown hair. Still had the same tanned skin and grey eyes. He was one of the rare few from my old squadron that actually made me feel included in everything. He was a nice guy, married and had a kid on the way when I last saw him.
"Good morning to you too," I said with a forced smile. "Leave me and my hangover alone."
My hangover really wasn't that bad. It was just the emotions that came with it all that made everything worse. I was trying my best this morning to keep everything squashed down. I'd cried a lifetime of tears last night. I didn't want to do it again.
"How you found something to drink on a dry base I will never know," Gareth teased me lightly. "I think I'm actually jealous."
"Super spy," I said as a matter of explanation "Well, in training anyway."
"It wouldn't have anything to do with some Delta Force guys having a fit over a missing bottle of vodka would it?" Gareth asked innocently. "The male barracks were pretty fucking noisy last night."
"Don't know what you're talking about," if I'd been in the mood I might have smiled at that. "Then again you'd be amazed at what SHIELD can do."
"Not really, especially not after dealing with them last year," Gareth said dryly. "So its Agent Lyngley now?"
"Yeah" I felt awkward with this conversation. I fiddled with the food on my plate, not really feeling up to a conversation. Or food for that matter. I don't even know why I'd bothered with a plate. My stomach was a knot of anxiety and tension. It felt like I'd never be able to eat again.
"Yeah can't do it," Gareth said lightly. "You'll always be Knuckles to me."
That dragged my gaze back up to him. Gareth had a small smile on his face as he studied me. Despite the circumstances on being here, it was good to see an old face. If nothing else Gareth could always have been good for a laugh. He was the squadron joker. He could never really take anything too seriously. I never thought I'd actually see any of them ever again. But here he was, sitting across from me dressed in casual civilian clothing.
"Trust me I still go looking around for my brother when someone calls out Agent Lyngley," I said feeling one corner of my mouth pull up in a semblance of a smile. Wasn't that the truth. Even after 8 months in SHIELD it still took me a second longer than it should to realise it was me being spoken to. "It's weird for me still. I'm surprised you knew I was still alive."
"We were all threatened with death if we ever said anything about what happened," Gareth explained. "Pretty good incentive not to talk. I have a feeling SHIELD can make people disappear pretty easily."
"That they can."
"So what brings SHIELD to this side of the world?" Gareth asked as he sipped his own coffee. "Or is it super secret spy business?"
"Not really, just the same shit we used to hear about from all different special ops guys," I finally made myself take a drink of coffee as well. It slid down my throat and my stomach contracted sightly. I pushed the feeling of wanting to be sick far from my mind. If I didn't think about it, maybe it wouldn't come true. "Except this time I'm actually one of the black ops people."
"Nice," Gareth grinned as me. I could only return the smile weakly as the coffee sat in my stomach uncomfortably. "Still putting those mad ass shooting skills of yours to good use?"
"How the fuck did you sneak out so quietly!" An angry spew of Russian words came from behind me. I cringed as Natasha slammed a coffee cup down next to me with such force, a lot of it splashed out. She dropped into the seat next to me with a glare to make most grown men tremble. Thankfully, I wasn't a man.
"Good morning my little ray of sunshine," I couldn't help the snipe that escaped from my mouth in Russian as well. "Glad to see you so happy and cheerful."
Natasha stared from beside me like I'd just grown a second head. Across from me Gareth was doing exactly the same, with his eyebrows raised. Natasha's face instantly softened as her eyes roamed over my own face. From the brief look I had in the mirror this morning, Gareth wasn't wrong about me looking terrible.
"Is he bothering you?" Natasha asked in Russian. Her eyes quickly flicked over to Gareth.
"Nat, this is Frogger…Sorry Captain Gareth Hughes," I quickly corrected myself back in English so we weren't being rude. "Gareth, this is Agent Natasha Romanoff."
"Frogger?" Natasha arched a delicate eyebrow staring at my former work colleague. Gareth was doing his best to hide his obvious attraction while he checked Natasha out. "This sounds like an interesting story."
I took another sip of coffee as Garth opened his mouth to explain.
"Did you go to medical?" Natasha cut him off and turned her attention right back to me.
"What for?" I asked. I wanted to apologise to Gareth for how Natasha just ignored him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Despite my smart reply before, I just couldn't muster myself to feel anything but slightly disinterested in everything today. Disinterested was so much better than crying.
Natasha drove her elbow into my side. Right where the bullet had grazed me. Pain shot through me as I gripped the table so hard my knuckles turned white.
"That," Natasha frowned at me. My fingers itch to rub the now burning reminder on my side. At least the clean shirt I'd found this morning was black. I'm pretty sure Natasha had just opened up the minor wound. I could feel something leaking out of it.
"Thanks Nat," I grumbled grabbing a napkin. I winced as I pulled my shirt up and inspected the graze. It wasn't bad, about an inch wide and not deep enough to require stitches. I held my shirt up as I put the napkin against the wound. It was bleeding a little bit. But nothing some light pressure wouldn't stop. Natasha glanced down at the wound giving it a brief inspection. Her brief nod at it let me know I was off the hook for not getting it checked out. There was also an apology behind her green eyes. I knew she hadn't meant to make it bleed on purpose.
"You're welcome," Natasha didn't look perturbed as she turned back to her coffee, and Gareth. "So, why Frogger?"
"Because in pilot training I had a bad habit of making my plane hop on landing," Gareth looked between Natasha and I obviously confused about the sudden change in subject. I didn't miss him looking at my side before dragging his eyes away. "Apparently it looked like a frog."
"Kari, Nat," Coulson's voice made both our heads snap towards the sound of it. Our handler looked exhausted as he came into the mess. I quickly dropped my shirt so I didn't have Coulson stressing over a minor flesh wound as well.
"That's my cue to leave," I stood up and drained my coffee quickly. I forced myself not to gag as my body wanted to rebel against the action. "Thanks for the escort Frogger."
"You're welcome," Gareth smiled at me. "Nice to meet you Agent Romanoff."
"Likewise," Natasha stood up with me. Without another word, she put her hand on the small of my back and I let myself be pushed away by her firm motion. She was still limping heavily from whatever damage I'd done when I pushed her down the slope yesterday. But at least her ankle wasn't broken. Coulson moved so we were standing outside of the mess. Away from prying ears and eyes.
"Hey," Coulson seemed to be completely lost for words. For the first time I'd know him he just stood there and struggled to make any sound. But when he did, his entire cool facade nearly crumpled right in front of me. "Kari, I am so sorry."
Seeing the unflappable Phil Coulson nearly brought to tears was enough for me. Despite my constant telling myself ever since I got out of bed this morning that I wouldn't cry today. The tears started to fall again. I covered my mouth the stop the strangled sob escaping from my throat. I wanted the lie of saying I was fine slip out. But my emotions had a different idea.
"Come here," Coulson grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. I managed to pull myself under control quickly enough. Right in front of the mess there were too many people watching. I pulled away wiping my face. Behind me Natasha was rubbing my back around in circles. She slipped an arm around me as I pulled away from Coulson.
"Do you want me to get anyone?" Coulson rubbed his hand up and down my bare arm. "I can get Jared and go and get your Mom."
"No," I shook my head. "I just want to go home."
Home. I don't even know where home is going to be anymore. I couldn't even bring myself to think of going back to our empty apartment. Every nook and cranny of the space was going to remind me of Riley. There were too many memories there. Too much happiness as a painful reminder that I'd never get to see Riley again. My chest tightened again and I fought back the second set of tears that threatened.
"We're just refuelling the Quinjets," Coulson explained. He hesitated before continuing. "We need to do the debrief on the way back. Dr Garner is waiting back in DC. Why don't you go grab a shower while we're waiting. I grabbed a bag for all of you."
A shower didn't sound like a terrible idea. I nodded in agreement, wiping at my face to chase away any traces of tears on my cheeks. I'd washed my face briefly this morning but beyond that I was still pretty gross.
"Come on Kari," Natasha gently led me away. "I need a shower too."
It was a good distraction. Standing in the shower letting the warm water caress down my body. I just wished I could wash away the crushing grief as easily as the dirt. Natasha was in the stall beside me, talking about nothing in particular. It wasn't until she'd switched to Russian I was actually forced to concentrate instead of making appropriate noises in what I hoped was the right place. Neither of us rushed. There was no point rushing. It's not like anyone was going to leave without us.
Clint and Jared were outside waiting for us. Both of them looked hungover and utterly exhausted. I guess I know where the rest of my stolen vodka went. They'd already showered and looked a least a little fresher.
"Coulson said to meet us at the tarmac," Jared slung his arm around my shoulder. I leant against him, glad for his support. "Lets go home."
Jared stayed glued to my side the entire walk there. None of us spoke. There just wasn't any words to say. When we hit the tarmac, everyone was already there. Minus Evans. The STRIKE Team Bravo leader wasn't anywhere to be seen.
"Where's Troy?" I asked hoarsely as I looked over all the faces I knew so well. The team looked as bad as I felt. Riley's death would have hit everyone hard. It wasn't just me
"He would have taken any flight back he could get," Jared's grip tightened on me momentarily. "He…"
Jared audibly gulped before taking a deep breath. Seeing my own twin struggling with his grief was nearly enough to make me cry again. I took in my own deep breath trying to ease my tight chest.
"He's the one breaking the news to Riley's mom," Jared's voice sounded very forced as he tried to stay normal.
"Oh."
Its all I could manage. I never thought about that. God, poor Evans. I don't know how I was going to even face Lynette. I couldn't imagine being the one to deliver the terrible news to her. Lynette was going to be crushed. First Riley's dad, and now Riley.
There were 4 SHIELD pilots standing off to the side, ignoring the rest of us. I frowned at how many of them there were. I knew it was fairly standard to have 2 pilots for long flights. Clint doubled as my co-pilot if I needed him, so I never had another pilot with me. There should't be the need for another flight team. I could fly the Quinjet home. Coulson was standing to the side, talking to one of the pilots. A flash of irritation shot through me looking at them. What the hell? I shrugged Jared's arm off me and walked over the Coulson.
"What's up?" Coulson cut the pilot off mid sentence as I stalked over to them.
"Why are there 2 flight teams here?" I asked shortly. "I don't need a co-pilot."
"You are not flying home," Coulson shook his head immediately. "Not a chance in hell Kari."
"But," I started.
"You're exhausted, hungover if I'm not mistaken," Coulson cut me off. He crossed his arms and looked at me critically. "Your boyfriend was just KIA in front of you. I'm surprised to even see you standing to be honest, let alone moving."
"I'm fine," I growled. Inwardly I was surprised at how fucking irritated this had just made me. But angry and irritated was better than the hollow feeling of absolutely nothing. Or the crushing grief that kept trying to sink its claws into me. "I am not sitting in the back of the Quinjet being airsick and miserable when I'm perfectly capable of piloting it myself."
My ire rose with every word slipping from my lips. Coulson's expression didn't change, he just stood there staring at me. The SHIELD pilots warily backed away from the confrontation starting to unfold. Behind me I could feel someone else standing close by.
"Perfectly capable?" Coulson gave me a dry and unamused look. "Have you seen yourself?"
My hands were suddenly freezing. I looked down at them and found them covered in ice. My breath was misting in front of me. I had absolutely no control over what I was doing. My chest tightened again and the edges of my vision blurred with tears. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I needed this. I needed to fly home so I had something to keep my mind occupied.
"Please Coulson," I begged. "Let me do this,"
"No," Coulson's voice was firm. "Kari, I need you to calm down."
"I am calm," I shouted the words at my handler.
The temperature dropped dramatically around us. My chest heaved as I struggled to breath. Panic clawed at me. I couldn't control this. There was nothing I could do as the ice wound up higher from my hands and up to my wrists. It was so cold my teeth started to chatter. Footsteps thumped behind me and something suddenly jabbed into my neck. I yelped and my hand flew up to the now stinging area. I whirled around to see Jared standing behind me, something now discreetly hidden in his hand. My vision started to swim as my hand clamped down on my neck.
"I'm sorry," Jared looked distraught. His face was pale as he watched me carefully. He took another step closer to me. "Kari, don't…"
My legs gave way from me and I pitched forward. Whatever Jared finished saying I didn't hear it. I was so dizzy and everything was fast becoming a blur. Jared's arms closed around me to stop me falling flat on my face and everything went black very quickly.
I woke up feeling like I'd had my mouth stuffed full of cotton. Cold air was blowing on my face making my nose and lips freezing cold. I struggled to open my eyes. The heavy lids just wouldn't cooperate to open. It took what felt like an eternity to actually feel my limbs. A hand was in mine, loosely gripping my fingers.
"Hey, you back yet?" Jared's voice filled my ears. He sounded like he was miles away. I just groaned and squeezed his fingers. It was all I was capable of right now.
"Kari?" Jared prompted me again. The concern and outright worry in his voice made me reluctantly slide my eyes open. The light was blinding harsh. It made my head start pounding straight away. My eyelids quickly clamped shut again
"What the hell did you stick me with?" my voice came out as a croaking whisper.
"I'm sorry," Jared's voice cracked slightly. "I hit you with too much midazolam. It was only meant to calm you down. I overdid it a little."
I couldn't get any kind of response out. I just wanted to fall back to sleep for a while longer yet. Then I could be pissed at Jared for drugging me.
"Kari," Jared squeezed my hand. Really hard. The pain was enough to make my eyes open again. I squinted against the bright light. "Can you stay awake?"
The plea was plain enough in his voice. Blinking rapidly I turned my head slowly and painfully to look at my twin.
"You look fucking terrible."
Jared chuckled weakly at my declaration. He didn't argue though. He really did look terrible. He had massive bags and dark circles under his eyes. His face was drawn and he looked like he could do with a weeks worth of food and sleep. Beside him was a half finished bottle of Grey Goose vodka.
I was in medical at the Triskelion. I knew these rooms well enough to recognise it immediately. I pushed the oxygen mask off my face, rubbing my nose trying to get feeling back in it. I felt as awful as Jared looked. My limbs felt heavy. I was freezing cold despite the blankets layered on me. I felt incredibly nauseous and every small move made my stomach rebel. I felt so bad I couldn't even feel my grief.
"Mom and Dad are here," Jared's thumb ran over the back of my hand. "Clint and Nat just ducked out to grab coffee and a bite to eat."
Of course Mom and Dad would be here. I don't even know why Jared felt the need to share that.
"Lynette and Tessa are both here too," Jared rubbed his face tiredly with his free hand. "We've only been back a day."
I made a noise. I don't even know where it came from but it was the only thing I could make come out again. I didn't want to deal with this. I felt terrible and sleep was dragging me back down. At least when I asleep I wasn't feeling a damn thing. My eyes slid closed again and this time Jared didn't argue with me. He let me fall back asleep.
The next time I woke up I heard Mom's voice in the room. I didn't want to open my eyes so I just lay there. I was still so damn drowsy. I doubted I could have pried my eyes open even if I wanted to. At least the oxygen mask was off my face. I could feel the uncomfortable feeling of an IV line in my arm. It itched and I really wanted to reach over and pull it out.
"No she's ok," Mom's voice sounded very weary. "Apparently she has a low tolerance for Benzodiazepine's. And Jared gave her a dose big enough to knock a guy of Barton's size out by accident. They've given her a small dose of Flumazenil to counteract it."
"Can I get you anything?" Lynette asked quietly. "You've barely left this room since she got back."
"I should be asking you that," Mom chuckled quietly. Though there was very little humour being it.
"You've done more than enough for me and Tessa," Lynette said firmly, though kindly. "I keep thinking of things that need to be organised and I ring someone and its always the same few words. 'No Mrs Hunterton, thats already been arranged by Linda,' It makes me wonder how you've done it when you've barely left this room for the last 36 hours."
There was a long silence stretching out over the room. I felt a hand being slipped into mine and Mom finally spoke again.
"I feel so horrible and selfish to be sitting here with my baby girl, so thankful she's alive," Mom's voice choked up. "And you've lost your son. If I lost either of my kids I wouldn't know what to do. It's the least I could do to help you out."
"I've had 10 years to come to terms with knowing I might get that knock on the door one day," there was a small shuffle and the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor as Lynette spoke. "My heart might be broken from losing my son. But I also couldn't be prouder of the man he was. From what I hear you have every reason to be just as proud of your two kids. Especially Kari."
"She's so resilient," Mom gently squeeze my hand. "She's so much stronger than I've ever given her credit for. I didn't think she'd handle being in SHIELD. But she's proven me wrong, time and time again. I just don't know how she'll cope with this. They were so in love."
"They were," Lynette agreed quietly. "Riley always told me he had no idea how he managed to get someone so perfect."
"Kari said the same thing," Mom laughed shakily. "Honestly, it was good to see her dating at the start of things. I was very wary when I found out she was dating a STRIKE boy, but then when Riley started talking to me while they were in Afghanistan. It didn't take long to realise that they were perfect for each other."
I was fully awake now. My bladder was starting to protest very heavily at how full it was. I squeezed Mom's hand and opened my eyes. I couldn't hear any more of this conversation. It made my heart hurt just thinking about Riley. Just hearing his name was like someone had reached into my chest and squeezed it hard. I didn't think grief could physically hurt like this. But it did. It hurt so bad.
"I need to pee," I announced quietly.
Both woman in the room jumped at the sound of my voice. Chairs skidded across the room as they both shot to their feet. In a second I had both of them hovering above me.
"Welcome back," Mom smiled at me. She looked just as bad as Jared did when I woke up before. She reached over and hit a button that was near my head. "I'll get the medic in."
"Hey Kari," Lynette's smile was wavering. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I just had a fifth of tequila and an ass kicking," I closed my eyes and grimaced before opening them again. I swallowed trying to get some moisture back in my scratchy feeling throat. "Where's Jared?"
No sooner had those words left my mouth, my twin appeared beside the bed. He had a coffee in one hand and a McDonalds paper bag in the other hand.
"I brought cheeseburgers," Jared announced brightly. Far too brightly for him not to be faking his chirpy mood. "Who's hungry?"
My response was leaning over and throwing up what little I had in my stomach. Footsteps came running in a little quicker at the sound of me throwing up. Ugh. I don't even know where that had come from. Not cool at all. I was going to beat my twin even harder when I was feeling better.
It took me an hour to finally be discharged from medical. 5 minutes after I'd make it known I was awake the room was crowded. Clint, Natasha and Coulson were all in there filling me in on what happened. In the chaos of the crowded room, Lynette slipped out with a quiet goodbye. It was selfish of me, but I was glad she was gone. I couldn't think of anything to say to her. Just her being there was a horrible reminder of Riley.
After Jared sedated me, they had problems keeping me stable on the Quinjet. My blood pressure was all over the place. My heartbeat started doing something that resembled more of a tap dance than a normal rhythm. So Jared teleported me straight back to the Triskelion. I'd stabilised with proper medical equipment. The combination of lack of proper sleep, dehydration, no food and the vodka from the night before had given me a very nasty long list of side effects. No wonder Jared looked so damn stressed when I'd woken up before. A shot of maxalon and a huge lecture to Jared from Max, the medic who'd treated my leg, I was allowed to get dressed and go home. Jared decided to teleport ahead to get dinner. Clint and Natasha promised they'd be over later.
I barely remember leaving medical. Everything was happening in such a fast blur. I couldn't focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. This included conversations. I just zoned out staring out the car window, huddled down in my hoodie. I'd drawn the hood up around my face, absently chewing on the cords. It only I could draw myself away from the world just like I pulled the material up over my head.
When Dad, who was driving, made the turn towards Jared's apartment instead of straight ahead to mine. I sat up.
"Why aren't we going back to my place?" my voice still sounded scratchy and foreign to my ears. Apparently it'd be like that for a few days because they put a breathing tube in when I first came back to the Triskelion. When I'd stablished it'd been taken out not long after.
I didn't miss the look my parents exchanged in the front of the car. Mom looked relieved that I'd actually spoken. Dad was clearly trying to pass off my question for Mom to handle.
"We thought it might be better for you to stay with Jared for a bit," Mom said tactfully. "Then you can make a decision if you want to go back there or not."
"Ok," I said quietly, falling back against the seat. I pulled the hoodie around my face a little tighter. I had a feeling it was actually Natasha's hoodie. It had a perfume that definitely wasn't mine clinging to it very lightly. Natasha and I swapped clothes so often I had no idea what was mine and hers anymore. An uncomfortable silence stretched out in the car again. I pulled my knees to my chest and stared out the window again.
"I think I've solved the problem with you wanting extra rounds for your AWSM," Dad broke the silence this time. I glanced to the front of the car trying to look interested. "Do you want to look over the specs with me?"
"Maybe later," I murmured looking back out the window. I didn't miss Mom's not too subtle elbow into his ribs. I could almost hear the scold she wanted to tell him.
No talking about work at home. Work stays at work. I'd heard it so many times over the years. It never seemed to sink in for Dad though. He was a worse workaholic than Mom was.
Mom's phone chimed, sounding extra loud in the quiet car. She unlocked it and glanced at the message that came through.
"Jared wants to know if you want Thai or Chinese for dinner?" Mom glanced back at me. This time I couldn't even muster enough energy to say anything. I just shrugged and played with the hem of the hoodie absently.
"Kari, a shrug isn't an answer," Mom prompted me gently.
"I'm not hungry," my left hand trailed from fiddling with the hem of the hoodie to my right arm. Almost absently I started to scratch even though I wasn't itchy. My hands just wouldn't stay still, despite me just wanting to sit here and do nothing. I scratched until my arm started to feel raw before snatching my hand away.
"How about a pint of Ben and Jerry's?" Dad suggested. His eyes glanced back to me in the backseat with a smile. "Choc chip cookie dough? With crunchy peanut butter, whipped cream and sprinkles on top?"
The disgusting concoction that I used to love eating as a teenager made my stomach churn just thinking about it now. Ugh. This nausea was getting old very quickly. I was warned it might last for a few days until everything was out of my system. I wrinkled my nose and shook my head quickly. I retreated back into my hoodie further, now back to chewing on the hoodie strings.
"Kari," Mom started again sounding slightly exasperated.
"I am not hungry," I punctuated every word harshly. "When I'm hungry, I'll eat and pestering me about it isn't going to help."
My little snarl left my exhausted beyond belief. Maybe it was the lingering effects of the midazolam. But I could barely keep my eyes opened as we pulled into the garage of Jared's building. I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion take over again. At least when I was sleeping I wasn't feeling anything.
I woke up in my bed in what used to be my room. It was dark and according to the clock, the small hours of the morning. 0341 to be precise. I grumbled and rolled back over onto my side, closing my eyes. Nope I really didn't want to be awake. I enjoyed the nothingness that sleep was bringing. But my body had other ideas. It wanted something. My stomach was still too wound in a mess of knots from stress and anxiety to consider eating. But a coffee might actually go down well. Or a hot chocolate. I knew Jared always kept a stash of really good cocoa in the back of the cupboard. The bed suddenly felt too big and too lonely for me to stay in there by myself. I quietly padded out into the kitchen. My body ached and my head rebelled against every noise I made. Looks like I'd be finding the aspirin while I was up. I opened the fridge, staring at the contents wondering if there was anything there that might actually take my fancy. The sight of food just made my stomach contract again.
"There's coffee pods in the cupboard," Jared's sleepy voice made me jump in fright. I looked behind me to see him leaning over the island bench separating the kitchen from the lounge room. His hair was sticking up in all directions and he looked absolutely exhausted just leaning there in his boxers. "Or there's our favourite hot chocolate right at the front."
I flicked the kitchen light on before moving to the cupboard. Just like he said, the hot chocolate was sitting right at the front of the eye level shelf. I didn't doubt it'd been left there on purpose. My stomach wasn't rebelling at the sight of it. So hot chocolate it was.
Jared walked to the fridge and pulled the milk out and poured a generous amount into a pot. I just handed him the container, knowing better than to try and do it myself. I walked around and sat in the chair, watching Jared start working his magic. I don't know where the chocolate powder actually came from. But it tasted like melted chocolate in milk. It was just heaven in your mouth.
"Why are you asleep on the couch?" I broke the silence first. Wincing my headache came back in full force as soon as I spoke. Dammit, I'd forgotten about the aspirin.
"Here," Jared halted stirring the mixture. He bent down and opened one of the drawers, pulling out a bottle of aspirin. He winced himself. "You can keep that to yourself, thanks."
"Sorry," I took the offered bottle and threw back 3 pills quickly. Jared grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and passed it over as well. In my own misery I'd forgotten this was just as hard on Jared as me. Right now my feelings were so harsh and overwhelming he'd be feeling it as well. I took a sip of water to make sure the aspirin went down all the way and stayed down. It wasn't until the water hit my throat I realised how damn thirsty I actually was. I drained most of the bottle in a few long swallows.
"Mom and Dad are using my room," Jared answered my previous question while I drank. "They didn't want to be too far away. The couch is comfy enough."
"I had a big snap at Mom before," I admitted drawing my eyes down to the bench. The bottle of water had left a small trail on condensation on the bench. I absently trailed my fingers through it, drawing a random pattern on the bench with it.
"Meh," Jared shrugged casually. "You can be the asshole child for once. Takes the pressure off me to be the pain in the ass all the time."
"Funny," I said simply. But Jared's smart tone and comment actually made my lips quirk up a little. If there anyone in the world that could make me smile in this horrid time, it was my twin. Jared looked at me with his own small and sad smile.
"Barton and Tasha went home earlier," Jared filled in the gaps for me. Again. "Barton drank the 6 pack of beer I got for you, so you'll want punch him for it later."
"I will," I absently started to scratch at my arm again. I'd left welts from before in the car. Scratching them felt like it grounded me back to earth a little more. Feeling the uncomfortable burn made something feel real at least. It took my mind away from the grief that kept wanting to crush me.
"Don't do that," Jared quickly reached over and stopped my scratching fingers. "Laura came with Clint as well. She smacked me across the face for my stupid stunt."
"And you let her," I said dryly. That would have been a funny sight to see. Laura would almost need a box to stand on to reach Jared.
"But this," Jared turned his head to the left slightly and pointed at his cheek. There was a red mark on it that would become a faint bruise in the next day or two. "Was courtesy of Tasha, that I most certainly didn't see coming. So my other cheek is free for the bruise I know you want to put on it."
"Why did Nat punch you?"
"Because of my not so smart action of sticking you with enough sedative to take down a horse," Jared said wincing at the memory. "I'm sorry Kari, you were panicking. I panicked. I should have checked the dose before giving it to you."
"Its probably a good thing you were quick enough to act," I admitted honestly. "I had no control. I couldn't stop myself."
"You just had a panic attack, it happens sometimes" Jared tried to give me a reassuring smile. It was more like a grimace than anything else. "Still, I am sorry."
I knew when the subject was closed with Jared. There was no arguing with him over this, even if I had the mental strength to do it. I just let it go and made a mental note to punch him later. This was Jared's way of coping. I wasn't going to stop him.
Jared took the pot off the stove and turned around to pull 2 mugs from the cupboard. He stopped for a second and then went back to the pantry, digging around he triumphantly pulled out a bag of marshmallows. While Jared was rummaging around in the cupboard, my eyes fell on a cardboard box sitting at the other end of the kitchen island on the floor.
"Whats in the box?" I asked for a complete change of subject.
Jared halted mid opening of the marshmallow packet. I could see it so clearly in his face that he was about to scramble for an appropriate lie. But he sighed instead, his own eyes falling on the box.
"I cleaned out Riley's locker," Jared finished opening the packet and set it down on the bench. "Evans was going to do it, but he started and just couldn't finish."
"Can," I hesitated, swallowing heavily. "Can I have a look?"
I would never forget the last conversation Riley and I had while he lay there dying. The mention of something being in his locker for me made curiosity burn through me. Seeing the contents all packed up in one small box was depressing though.
"Yeah of course you can," Jared started to pour the hot chocolate in the mugs. "Do you want me to help?"
I thought Jared would have had a good look through everything as he packed it up. But, he could have also thrown it all in without a second glance just to get the horrible job over and done with. Not trusting myself with anymore words, I just nodded and walked over to grab the box. It was light, just as I suspected. Riley didn't keep much in his locker beyond a few changes of clothes and a few personal items. I'd gone through it plenty of times when I'd forgotten my own deodorant, or needed an extra sweater.
I dumped the contents onto the coffee table in the lounge room. Jared followed me in, flicking the lights on as he went. He put one of the mugs into my hands before sitting next to me. I took a sip of the hot chocolate, closing my eyes in brief satisfaction at how amazing it tasted. My body seemed to accept it as well, warming me up on the inside. I set it down before I started to sort through the mess I'd just created.
Like I thought before, it was mostly a few changes of clothes. One of Riley's old Navy hoodies was in there. It hadn't been washed and still smelt like him. I clutched onto it, holding it tightly feeling like it was the last piece of him I was ever going to have. Forcing my tears away I went through the rest of the things. There was a few of his shooting books. All the details he'd jot down while setting up a sniper shot. His scribbling handwriting was nearly impossible to read over the well worn pages. The newest looking book was nearly full. There was only a few spare pages at the back of it. I absently flicked to the last page, scanning over the contents. What I found wasn't what I was expecting.
I'm writing in this to pretend I'm doing some work so people stop bothering me. I miss Kari. Her constant sexts are driving me insane. Thank fuck for baggy pants so the guys don't see me walking around with half a boner all the time. Now I'm drawing stick figures.
Below the writing was a bunch of stick figure men, all on the ground with x's as eyes and tongues hanging out. Riley's writing was underneath the drawing.
Did I mention before that I miss Kari? I miss her so much.
"I miss you too," I whispered at the book. By the dates, this was the mission I'd stood in for him in Idaho. I put the book down gently before I started to cry again. I hugged his hoodie to my chest a little tighter before I picked up the next thing on the coffee table. It was a thick A4 size envelope addressed to Riley and I. It'd already been torn open, so I reached in and pulled the contents out. I hadn't seen it come in the mail. Riley must have grabbed the mail that day.
The first page was just a letter. Behind it lay a thick wad of documents. I frowned and quickly scanned over the document. My hands started to shake as what I was reading sunk in.
It was a letter from a real estate congratulating Riley and I on the purchase of our new house. My hands fumbled as I flicked through the copy of sale contract, all finalised 2 days before his mission in Syria. My own signature was right there with Riley's. I remember a month or so ago Riley asking me to witness a signature on something. I hadn't even looked at the page as I signed it. It would have been the only time he could have snuck it in. There was nothing in there about finance. The only thing I could find was a paid in full.
"Kari?" Jared's voice made me drag my gaze up to his face. "Whats that?"
"Riley brought us a house," my voice hitched. "Thats what he said was in his locker for me."
I couldn't help it. I broke down into tears again. The fat stack of paper fell from my hands as I covered my face. Instantly Jared was at my side, pulling me into a crushing hug.
"It's ok," Jared rocked me gently. "We'll work this out."
I didn't want to work this out. I just wanted Riley back. So badly that it physically hurt.
I couldn't do this. I sat in the backseat of the SHIELD car looking out over the cemetery at Arlington. It wasn't a surprise that Riley wanted to be buried here. He'd be buried with full military honours as well. Neither was the group of SEAL's standing there already gathered around all in full formal dress uniform. All of Bravo team were here, dressed in suits blending in with the military dress. I fiddled with my skirt feeling out of place already. It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was shining, but it wasn't disgustingly hot. A slight breeze kept everything cool. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. A perfect day and here we were at a funeral. A funeral I never thought I'd be attending even in my wildest dreams.
I wasn't the only one procrastinating about getting out of the car. Coulson sat at the wheel, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. Clint sat in the front seat chewing on his nails. Natasha was drinking from a water bottle next to me. The slightly glassy look on her eyes told me it wasn't water in that bottle. Jared just looked out of the other window, not paying attention to anyone.
"This sucks," Clint said bitterly breaking the silence.
"Suck doesn't even begin to describe it," Jared added.
"We have to go," Coulson turned the rest of us in the back. "Come on, lets do this."
I really didn't want to be here. I'd just about had a breakdown walking out the door this morning. It took a lot of coaxing from everyone that I could get through this today. Funerals meant everything was final. That everything was over. I didn't want this to be over. I wanted this all to be a horrible dream that I was going to wake up from. I'd roll over and Riley would be back in my bed. He'd be the one swearing at the alarm when it went off in the mornings again. Not the horrible silence that filled my room now. Just being back in my room at Jared's place was bad enough.
"Yep," Clint sighed heavily pushing the door open. Jared followed suit and Natasha crawled over to exit from his side. I squeezed my eyes together tightly, making sure I wasn't going to cry.
A car pulled in behind us, making me glance behind. It was my parents which had both gone straight towards Jared. I didn't think they'd be far behind us. As crowded as it'd been in the apartment, I was never so glad for my parents being around right now. Mom had been one of the few things holding me together this last week while everything got prepared for Riley's funeral. I was so grateful to her handling all the decisions I just couldn't make. Riley had updated his will recently and left a lot to me. I'd completely shut down when Mom tried to talk to me about it. So she just handled what needed to be sorted now and pushed the rest aside for later. Same as the house Riley had brought. Someone had gone and picked up a heap of clothes for me from the apartment so I didn't have to go back there. Despite not wanting to be back in the spare room at Jared's apartment, I couldn't bring myself to go back to ours yet either.
"Kari," Coulson's voice made me look to the front. "You can do this. You've faced bigger challenges than this in the last few months. I know you're hurting right now but I have complete faith that you can get through this today."
"Thanks Phil," I whispered feeling tearful again. I swallowed heavily and straightened my skirt again before reaching for the door handle. I didn't have to open it, Clint was already there waiting for me. Without a word Clint took my hand, gripping it hard in reassurance as we began the walk down.
"Is Laura coming?" I asked Clint quietly.
"Yeah she won't be far behind your parents," Clint looked over at me with a strained smile. "I'll just introduce her as my girlfriend. It won't raise too many eyebrows that way."
Natasha and Clint had been with me nearly non stop. I felt terrible because I mostly just sat around, barely contributing to any conversation. It wasn't until Laura brought Cooper and Lila around that I started to emerge from my grief a little. Lila running straight at me, throwing herself into my lap and hugging me as hard as her little body could manage, made me crumble. As always I was powerless to her requests. Sitting there watching a Disney movie with her brought some small sense of normality back in my life. It felt good just to sit there and lose myself in Lilo and Stitch. Especially with Lila in my lap and Natasha curled up beside me with her head on my shoulder.
The nights were the worst though. Having such an empty space in my bed was unbearable. Jared didn't complain when I'd started crawling in beside him of a nighttime. Just sleeping pressed back to back on the couch was enough to lull me to sleep. I was so thankful for the lack of nightmares, or any dreams really.
The closer we got to where Riley's service would be held, the more the crowd was growing. It wasn't just Bravo team here now. Rumlow and a few guys on his team had shown up. There was more Navy uniforms mingling around. Along with a lot of faces I didn't recognise. I stopped on the edge of the crowd, not wanting to deal with so many people right now. At least my family, blood or not, didn't ask me stupid things. Like how I was doing. If there was anything they could do. All the questions that meant nothing but empty words and people trying to make themselves feel useful.
"I don't think I can do this," I choked out stopping suddenly. Clint's body jerked abruptly at my sudden stop. He gave my hand a small tug.
"Yes you can," Clint said patiently. "You've done things harder than this Kari. You can do this."
But I didn't want to. That was the hardest thing. I knew I could get through this and maybe even make it through the day without tears. But I didn't want to have to make it through this. But there was no escaping it. I just gripped Clint's hand as hard as I could and let myself be taken away in the sea of people. Relatives of Riley's that I didn't know wanted to crowd around me. Everyone was trying to speak to me and it was just becoming such a blur. Even with Clint muscling me through the crowd as quickly as possible, I felt like I was going to have a fully blown anxiety attack right there.
"Breath through it," suddenly Jared was at my side as well. He wrapped his arm around my waist and steadied me against him. "You only have to get through the ceremony and we can get absolutely shit faced drunk."
That's one thing I'd sorely missed over the last week. There hadn't been a drop of alcohol in the apartment. Jared admitted to me that Mom made him get rid of it all before I went back because she was worried I'd drink my worries away. While part of me wanted to do that, I was also really really missing having a beer with dinner. I also knew if I even tethered down that path of using alcohol to drown my sorrows on a semi permanent basis, Clint would smack me back onto the straight and narrow so fast I wouldn't know what hit me. Then I'd still have to deal with Natasha afterwards.
Between the two of them, Clint and Jared led me to a seat in the front row of everything. I didn't want to sit at the front, but it's what I'd been told to do. Jared would stay with me, but Lynette had asked Clint to be one of the casket bearers. Along with Sam, Evans and 3 of the guys from Riley's old SEAL team. As soon as I was seated, Clint left to go do what he had to. Natasha quickly replaced him on the other side of me. She wordlessly handed me her water bottle. I took a long sip and my suspicion from before was confirmed. It was vodka in it. The long drink of the smooth alcohol went down so easily. Natasha only let me take one more drink before taking it off me.
"Just some Russian courage to get through this," Natasha whispered quietly to me. She took another long drink and settled back in her chair. I discreetly slipped my arm around her waist and we pulled ourselves a little closer together. Natasha hadn't said much over the last week but her silent support meant the world to me. She didn't handle grief well. Just by her showing up today was hard for as Natasha, as it was for me.
All around us people started to sit down. I closed my eyes and drew in a very shaky breath. This was it. This was really happening. Like a tidal wave, nothing was going to stop this happening. It was real. And it was very, very final.
The service passed in a blur. I barely remembered any of it. Clint stood and spoke as part of the eulogy instead of Evans. It was the only thing to really stick in my mind. I managed to hold it together and not cry throughout the service. It wasn't until the bugler started to play Taps, that I thought I was going to lose it. I was so wrapped up on my own bubble of grief I wasn't even hearing the 7 gun salute going off. My chest constricted and I struggled to breathe. I wanted to get up, but the second I moved both Jared and Natasha's hands firmly clapped down on me. Jared's on my shoulder and Natasha dug her fingers into my thigh to keep me still. A second later, a cool hand touched the back of my neck and I was calm again. I cringed and rolled my neck away from my Mom's fingers. I hated it with a passion when she used her power on me. I know it was only to calm me down. But she usually respected my privacy more than that. The honour guard folded the flag on Riley's casket with expert precision and handed the finished product to Coulson. Being the senior Agent at the funeral it was his job to hand it to Lynette. As calm and collected as always, Coulson took the flag and came to stand in front of Lynette. She was doing an amazing job of holding herself together.
"On behalf of the Director of SHIELD, please accept this flag as a token of our appreciation for your loved ones honourable and faithful service," Coulson never faltered. Neither did Lynette. Her hands were steady as she accepted the flag with a quiet thank you to Coulson.
I was very glad it wasn't me getting the flag. Lynette had asked if I wanted to receive it instead of her and my answer was an instant no. If that had been me, I would have broken down by now. I don't even think my hands would be steady enough not to drop it and make an utter fool of myself.
As soon as the service finished there was plenty of Riley's old SEAL team heading to his casket. Soon the banging of their tridents into the wood could be heard over the quietness of the cemetery. This was one thing I had to do. I didn't have a SEAL Trident. But my pilot wings could be easily pinned to the casket, just as a SEAL trident. Jared fished into his pocket and pulled them out for me. Taking my hand, Jared came over to Riley's casket in silent support. Almost instantly, a path cleared for me. Riley's old SEAL commander, Lieutenant Commander Maning, who I'd met in Afghanistan gave me a salute as I walked past. I had to take a lot of deep and calming breaths just to make the last few steps.
"You sure about this?" Jared asked me quietly as I got to the casket.
"No," I felt tears start to threaten again. "But I want to."
With shaking hands, I removed the backing of the pins and put my hand on the casket. I wanted to say something. But my mind wouldn't work. It was just so final now. This was it. This was my final goodbye I was ever going to have. With a lump stuck in my throat, I put my pilot wings pin side down and smacked it into the smooth wood as hard as I could. They stuck there firmly. A little piece of silver breaking up all of the gold of the tridents.
"Bye Riley," I whispered.
I couldn't stop the tears. Even if I wanted to there was no stopping them now.
Authors Note
Wow, just wow guys I am so blown away by the response I got from the last chapter! Believe me, I cried when I wrote it too. Just like this chapter was very hard to write without getting emotional. You get so attached to characters as a writer so I know exactly how you all felt with the last chapter.
It was a bit of a struggle with this chapter. When my Dad died it was this horrible feeling of the world being on fast forward and everything just being numb. Nothing really seemed real and it's so hard to put into words that feeling of absolute crushing grief that you feel after someone you love is gone. I honestly barely remember any of my Dad's funeral.
Riley was never, ever going to be Hydra. But this was always the plan for him. I did keep putting it off because I've had so much fun writing their relationship and the lighter stuff. The next while is going to be a bit dark and angsty as Kari struggles to cope with this and what she's going to do with her life now.
I pushed this out a bit quicker in celebration of I've gotten midnight premier tickets for Captain America Civil War for tomorrow night! I'm so excited for that which in turn has given me a lot of writing inspiration. As always, please review and tell me what you think. Again, thank you thank you thank you each and every one of you who reviewed last time.
