I am Iron Man.

Those 4 words made my life crazily busy for the next 2 weeks. Coulson and I were meant to be going back to DC straight after the press conference. But Stark announcing to the world he really was Iron Man meant we were stuck in Malibu caught up in the media circus. SHIELD wanted to keep the PR fires burning at an absolute minimum. Coulson being a senior agent and already on the ground meant he got lumped with it. In return, I got lumped with it too. I had told myself I'd be happy to do anything rather than sit at home. I definitely got my wish there.

2 weeks of living off takeaway, long days and me following Coulson around acting as his PA wore me down. Every night I was so exhausted I collapsed into bed and didn't stir until my alarm went off. Or when Coulson woke me up for something. Sometimes that happened at all hours of the morning. Tony was completely oblivious to the problem he'd just created. A never ending parade of interviews meant a security nightmare. According to Coulson, the intelligence and not so nice communities of people were all a buzz with chatter. There wasn't a second that Stark went unguarded. Whether he realised it or not. I had barely seen more than a glimpse of him. But the bright part of my days was my lunch dates with Pepper. Through all the turmoil going around Stark, she was the calm little beacon of everything.

If a SHIELD needed anything to do with Stark, I'd call Pepper. She was my go to point for just about everything to do with Stark. In return, I was her go to for anything she needed from SHIELD. I'd basically become a more blonde and much less capable version of Pepper over the last 2 weeks. I even had to wear a suit to work, instead of my usual tactical field gear. At least SHIELD had been good enough and given me a clothing allowance for my time here.

It was Friday of the second week. I was struggling to stay awake as I stirred my coffee, slumped in my seat across from Pepper. She was half looking at the menu and half paying attention to an email she was rapidly typing out on her phone. Unlike me, she looked spritely and well rested. I'd kill to know how she managed to get through things like this on a daily basis. 2 weeks of this and I was ready to chew my own arm for a sleep in. On the plus side, this had kept me completely and thoroughly distracted of everything else happening in my life. I was just too tired I think about anything else. Andrew had been checking on me via email. Our extended time away meant I was very behind on getting the sessions I needed to do to get back in the field again. Not to mention my birthday had come and gone with very little fuss. I hadn't even been able to get a hold of Jared on the day, so I just left him a happy birthday message instead. Coulson had at least remembered and brought me a small cake and we shared it over some scotch.

"Can I get you something?" the waiter interrupted my musing.

"A bottle of Dom Perignon," Pepper said instantly not looking up from her phone. "And whatever the chef recommends."

I loved Pepper's way of ordering. She had such a no nonsense attitude. Everywhere she took us for lunch was fancy and upmarket. Places that were beyond my government salary, even the generous one SHIELD paid, to eat on a regular basis. I felt like I'd put on 10 pounds since I'd been here. 2 or 3 course lunches, plus all the crap Coulson and I ate for dinner and my lack of working out made me feel fat. My usual size 4 clothes were all starting to feel a little snug as well. Though putting on weight wasn't the end of the world.

"A bottle of champagne with lunch?" I questioned Pepper with a small grin.

"Its Friday," Pepper finally tore her eyes away from her phone. "And Tony is driving me insane, so champagne at lunch is a must."

"So thats your secret, drink your way through the job," I took a long drink of coffee. My caffeine habit was getting a little crazy, even for a SHIELD agent. I'd drained the cup in nearly one go.

"There are days where it's the only thing that keeps me sane," Pepper put her phone on the table with a long sigh. "And its one of those days. I'm beating off every magazine, newspaper and anyone with any type of media connection right now. They just wont take no for an answer."

"You should give them something else to focus on instead of just saying no," I suggested. Coulson phone in front of me pinged as another barrage of emails came through. He was in a meeting and I had his phone to play secretary with. The emails weren't anything important. They could wait until after lunch.

"Like what?" Pepper gave me a calculating look. It was usually the other way around. She was the one telling me how to manage things.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "How about something like getting them to run pieces of the things you do at SI? The intern program or something."

"And you tell yourself you suck at this type of job," Pepper's face lit up. "How about I send them your details and they can do an article on powerful women."

"Yeah wouldn't SHIELD love that," I said sarcastically. Before Pepper would reply the waiter brought over the bread basket and bottle of champagne. I instantly grabbed a bread roll and smothered it with a thick layer of butter. Pepper waited until the waiter left before speaking.

"You know they actually might," Pepper gave me a mischievous grin. "Maybe I should suggest it to Phil, you have the body to be a model."

"Again, no way," I laughed shortly. Pepper had said that to me a few times over the last 2 weeks. I couldn't think of anything worse. I'd rather have been stuck with STRIKE Team Alpha than be a model. I was barely handling all the media attention here. I wasn't even involved with it.

"I thought you might change your mind if I keep pestering you about it," Pepper tried with a non apologetic shrug. "But I do like your idea. Deflect with something more positive. God knows after Tony pulled the weapons manufacturing from SI we could do with some good PR."

My personal phone started ringing just as Pepper finished speaking. I frowned at the incoming name on the screen. Jared was calling via FaceTime. I didn't know whether this would be a good or bad thing.

"Thats my brother," I apologised quickly. "Sorry, I better take this."

I pushed myself away from the table and answered the call as I started to walk away. Jared's face came onto the screen. Along with the sound of thumping bass very close to him.

"What?" I frowned at the screen. Jared grinned at me and a second later Natasha pushed herself into the frame as well. My frown quickly turned into a smile. It was very good to see them both. Natasha quickly pulled the phone from Jared and planted a kiss on the screen. She then handed it back and disappeared from view.

"We missed you!" Jared slurred. "Did you hear about Stark? We just got back into service."

"And the first thing you do is go clubbing," I shook my head. "Having a good time? Where are you by the way?"

"Paris," the phone wobbled as Jared staggered. He snickered quietly. "Thought it'd be fun. Want anything while I'm here? Hang on, where are you?"

Jared squinted at the phone as he held it closer to his face.

"In Malibu," I laughed at the extreme close up I was getting of my twins face. "With Coulson, dealing with the Stark bullshit."

I'd made it outside the restaurant now. It was a really nice place, we'd been here once already. It was right on the water's edge in the definitely more upmarket side of Malibu. It was hot today, the sun beat down with unnecessary strength. But the slight breeze off the ocean kept things pleasant as long as you didn't stay outside for too long.

"Umm, how the fuck did you get cleared for being in the field so quick?" Jared looked like he'd sobered up considerably at my last statement.

"I didn't," I said simply. "I just got bored and wanted something to do. So I asked to fly Coulson here. Now I'm playing PA to him while he untangles this mess."

"You playing PA," Jared actually giggled at that. He was so immature. He couldn't hold up looking sober any longer. Jared looked drunker than I'd ever seen him in a long time.

"Fuck you," I tried hard not to smile, but it made its way onto my face anyway. "Why are you guys in Paris getting smashed?"

"Following a trail of breadcrumbs," Jared smirked at me. "Tell you about it later."

Why did I get the funny feeling Jared being this drunk was all part of bigger plan. He and Natasha were both experts at manipulation. Being drunk made it easy to make people glance over you without a second thought. Or so Natasha told me.

"When will you be home?" I asked. I wasn't going to bother pressing him for information that I already knew I wasn't going to get.

"Soon I hope," Jared's face softened, even in his drunken state. "We really do miss you. But this should be wrapped up soon."

"Me too, hopefully," I glanced back into the restaurant. I'd forgotten to grab Coulson's phone before I came out, so I really needed to get back to the table. "I've got to go, I'm on a lunch date with Stark's assistant. Talk to you soon?"

"You will," Jared reached up and gave the camera a kiss. I pulled a small face of disgust. "Behave."

He was gone before I could make a sassy comment back. I was disappointed I didn't get to see more than the brief flash of Natasha. Clint was nowhere to be seen. Despite being constantly surrounded by people, I'd never felt more lonely in my life than I did right now. Pepper was about the only thing keeping me sane. I'd gotten so used to the comfortable little bubble of my friends and Riley, I'd forgotten what being lonely felt like. Before I tolerated it. Now I absolutely despised it. I sighed and looked at my new phone sadly. I didn't have my laptop here to back up put any of my old photos on it. Right now it was still in its factory settings with only my contacts in it. I felt tears prickle my eyes unexpectedly as I stared at the now black screen. I hastily pushed the sadness back into the corner of my mind where I could ignore it. Tucked away in that little corner of my mind, it couldn't hurt me back there.

I walked back into the restaurant and slid into the chair. A bowl of clam chowder was already waiting for me. Little wisps of steam coming off it still meant I hadn't been gone for too long. Pepper was already eating hers.

"Sorry," I apologised as I arranged myself in the chair. "My brother was drunk and apparently he missed me."

"Is that him or the alcohol talking?" Pepper joked.

"The vodka probably," I smiled with a small laugh. "He thinks he'll be finished soon."

I'd told Pepper about Jared being SHIELD within the first day of working with her. Though my explanation about the different jobs in SHIELD had been vague, Pepper hadn't pressed for details.

"Maybe you will too," Pepper flashed a confident smile. "Though, I'm going to miss our lunch dates when you go back to DC."

"Me too," I retuned the smile. Pepper had been amazing to me. Thrown together in the weirdest circumstances, we'd become what I'd hoped we could call friends. It seemed to be a bit of a trend in my life. "I will be happy to be back to my normal job though. I don't think I'm cut out for this PA work."

"You're doing better than some of the people I've seen come through work," Pepper reassured me, probably for the 100th time during the last 2 weeks. "Besides, no one else saved me from that reporter with such quick thinking."

"When you have a brother like mine you learn to think quick on your feet," I said. I took a sip of my clam chowder. It was the best chowder I'd ever had in my life. The perfect balance of creaminess and perfectly cooked potato and clams. I wanted to lick the bowl clean. I was so damn hungry at the moment. No matter what I ate, I was always hungry an hour later. It was a far change from barely touching anything a few weeks ago. My appetite had come back with a vengeance. Just as I took my 4th spoonful Coulson's phone rang.

"Agent Coulson's phone, this is Agent Lyngley," I snatched it up and answered without looking at the screen.

"Agent Lyngley, this is Agent Lyngley," Mom sounded very amused by her own little joke. I cracked a quick laugh at it too. "Where's Phil?"

"In a meeting," I kept eating now I knew it wasn't anyone important. Well, not anyone who would care about me eating while on the phone. Mom would just be happy I was eating. "Sup?"

Pepper tilted her head to the left slightly, looking curious at my casual tone.

"It's my Mom," I mouthed in a quiet whisper to Pepper. She nodded in understanding. It was rare for either of us to get more than a few minutes off the phone.

"Nothing really, I was ringing to see how the circus is going down there," Mom said casually. "What are you up to?"

"Having lunch with Pepper, baby sitting Coulson's phone. Same shit, different day," I shrugged.

"Language," Mom scolded.

"Skít," I corrected in Icelandic fighting back a laugh.

"Still language," Mom sounded suspiciously like she just held back a snort of laughter. "I'll let you get back to lunch. Can you get Coulson to ring me back later please?"

"Sure, are you going to yell at him some more?" I couldn't stop myself from smirking. Coulson told me all about how angry Mom had been when she found out I'd come along to this. She hadn't held back her wrath at all. Coulson told me he'd copped a 40 minute lecture and Mom threatened she'd ground him if he wasn't already on assignment. Mom was a level 8, so she had to pull to do it as well. If not, a few whispers in the right ear and it'd happen. Poor Coulson. At least I wasn't in too much trouble, for once.

"Quite possibly," Mom laughed this time. "But he's doing wonders down there so I might just let him off the hook for today. Don't forget please."

"I'm putting the reminder in my phone as we speak," I lied. I was shovelling the last of the chowder into my mouth instead. Pepper quietly covered her own laugh.

"You're still a terrible liar," Mom chuckled. "I'll ring you later too. Bye."

"Bye Mom," I hung up before I got into trouble.

"Your Mom works for SHIELD?" Pepper asked as I threw the phone back down on the table.

"Yeah she's head of HR," I smiled while shaking my head down at the phone. "Dad runs R&D. They're both in New York though, not DC."

It must have slipped my mind to tell Pepper about my parents. Not that we had a lot of time to just sit back and girl talk. Most of our discussions were focused around her pain in the ass boss.

"It sounds like Tony and your Dad would get along," Pepper push her bowl to the side slightly. For someone as slender as she was, she certainly ate a lot. "Is he a crazy workaholic too?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," I broke off a piece of bread and used it to mop the last of my chowder up. It took a few seconds for me to chew and swallow it. "It wasn't unheard of for him to be sneaking in at home at 3am after he got carried away with something. When I was in high school he used to bribe me if I caught him and Mom didn't just so he wouldn't get into trouble."

"And you being the perfect angel never took these bribes did you?" Pepper's eyes were glinting with mischief.

"Of course not," I smiled sweetly. "No, I didn't enjoy them at all."

Dad's bribes were usually something I'd been eyeing off. Or he'd just throw some money at me to keep my mouth shut.

"You evil child," Pepper giggled. "But, I've used bribery on Tony so many times to get him out of the workshop. Whatever works."

Pepper's phone vibrated on the table and she glanced at it briefly. Sighing in annoyance she picked it up and started to tap her fingers on the keyboard. I took a long drink of my champagne while she was busy. It was a really nice champagne. I'd drained my glass and poured myself another one while Pepper finished replying to the email. Just as she finished, Coulson's phone rang again. This time I actually checked the caller ID. It was Rumlow, much to my surprise.

"What did you break?" I answered the call.

"Fuck you, I didn't break anything just yet," Rumlow laughed in my ear. "I'm guessing Coulson is busy?"

"Yeah he's in a meeting," I grinned at the quietly laughing Pepper. At least neither of us took offence to the fact we practically lived on our phones. "Can I help you with whatever you needed?"

"Only if you promise not to laugh," there was some rustling on the other end of the phone. Though the warning in Rumlow's tone was clear enough to me. He actually sounded minutely embarrassed by what he was about to ask.

"I won't laugh," I promised him. It was nice to speak to someone who I actually knew for once. I'd taken plenty of calls from a lot of people who I knew of but never had to deal with over the last 2 weeks. Rumlow was a nice change of pace.

"I need to do some new uniform requests and I've run out of hard copies, where on the computer is it again?" Rumour asked.

"Under U for uniform?" I suggested unhelpfully with a shrug of my shoulders. "Why don't you just search your computer files for it?"

The silence stretched on a lot longer than normal. I bit my lip trying not to laugh as Rumlow processed that in his head. I'd forgotten how useless he was with anything to do with technology. I'm pretty sure he still had an original Nokia phone that was more like a brick than a cell phone.

"Open where all your files are," I quickly started so Rumlow didn't get too huffy about this. Or even more embarrassed than he actually was. "There's a search bar in the top right hand corner, has like a magnifying glass in the corner? Just type in whatever the document name is."

"Lifesaver," Rumlow chuckled in obvious relief. There was a brief pause as I could hear him very slowly typing on the keyboard. "When are you coming back?"

I shrugged, then realised Rumlow couldn't see me on the other end of the phone.

"No idea, when we're finished I suppose," I said. I was briefly distracted by the waiter bringing out our main course. I had some sort of chicken with a creamy sauce on a bed of mashed potatoes. It looked and smelt divine. I could feel my mouth start to water just looking at it.

"Well, when you get back we're going out for drinks," Rumlow said firmly. There was no room in his voice for me to argue. Not that I was really in the mood to argue with him. It took too much energy.

"Your shout then," I picked up my fork and poked the chicken. It was so well cooked it nearly pulled away at the gentle touch. "I'm at lunch and starving so I'll talk to you later."

"I've heard about your drinking, I'll definitely shout because you're a cheap drunk," Rumlow teased. "Talk later. Come back soon, the other pilots suck."

"Despite what you think Rumlow, I am not STRIKE's personal taxi service," I grumbled at him in good humour. "Bye Brock."

I hung up before Rumlow could reply. This chicken just couldn't wait any longer. I wasn't disappointed when I cut off a small piece and raised it to my lips. It tasted as good as it smelt. As soon as I got two bites into my chicken, Coulson's phone rang. Again. I was tempting to chuck it under the table. Or out into the ocean. The sad thing was, this was actually very normal for Coulson's phone. This call I really couldn't ignore though. It was Hill.

"Coulson's phone," I answered the call wearily. If Hill was calling, something was definitely happening.

"Coulson still in his meeting?" Hill asked briskly.

"Yep," the few times I'd spoken with Hill over the last 2 weeks had been interesting. I liked her no bullshit manner. She called, asked what she needed and that was it. I gave her short and to the point answers in return.

"We need him back in DC," Hill's words made me drop my fork in surprise. "A Quinjet will be there in 3 hours with your relief."

3 hours. I quickly checked the time on my watch. It'd been a cheap thing I picked up when I did my quick clothes shop. The dainty silver watch looked a lot better than the usual chunky sports watches I preferred to wear. It was 1311. Coulson's meeting finished at 1430 so we had plenty of time to pack the little stuff we had and get to Edwards. I tried not to let my disappointment show. Whatever Coulson was getting called back for would probably mean I'd end up sitting back on the couch with nothing to do. Not that I minded the idea of a sleep in. But I didn't need the spare time with just my thoughts for company again.

"Understood, did you need Coulson to ring you back?" I looked longingly at the chicken, desperate to get back to it. My eyes briefly flicked back up to Pepper who was enjoying her own dish, which looked like salmon. I was going to miss her as well.

"No I'll talk to him when he gets back," Hill paused for a second. "Its nothing serious. Jared, Barton and Romanoff are fine. I'll send a text confirming landing time"

That thought hadn't even crossed my mind. If something had gone wrong with one of them Hill would definitely be more panicked. She'd be demanding to speak to Coulson right now if that was the case. I didn't get a chance to thank her for saying it though. She'd hung up as soon as she finished speaking. I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at the now black screen a little sadly. Despite being so busy, I really had been enjoying myself here in Malibu.

"I'm going home in a few hours," I pulled my eyes away from the screen and looked at Pepper. Her face fell a little at my news. It was something we'd both been expecting any day now. But to actually have it happen was disappointing. I was going to be so lost when I got home.

"Well," Pepper picked up the bottle of champagne. "We better make the most of our last lunch together. I say we get another bottle of this and enjoy it."

I brightened at her idea. I doubted I'd be allowed to fly after one glass of champagne. May as well have another bottle between us so I sleep all the way back to DC. That way no one had to deal with my panic attack about not being the one in control. I don't think I was ever going to get out of that habit.

"Since your boss is paying, I'm in for that," I held out my glass for a refill. Pepper filled both our glasses and then raised hers.

"To the crazy that seems to follow us around," Pepper smiled.

"And the amazing women we are for putting up with it," I smiled back clinking my glass against hers. I was really going to miss our girl time together. Pepper threw her glass back with no class at all. I grinned to myself and did the same.

3 bottles of champagne and dessert later, Pepper and I hugged and said a slightly tearful farewell. She slid into her car with Happy, Tony's head of security, and I into the SHIELD car with Coulson already in it. As I climbed into the backseat I threw his phone back at him. After too much champagne my sliding in was less than graceful. I didn't miss the raised eyebrow being thrown in my direction at my lack of coordination.

"Apparently we're needed back in DC," I sank back into the seat. I could happily fall asleep right here and now. The champagne was just topping off me already being exhausted.

"I know," Coulson turned in the chair to look back at me. "I've already got our bags packed and we're headed straight to Edwards to fly out."

I grunted and closed my eyes, leaning back into the leather seat. It was cool against my slightly sweaty skin. I was enjoying it while it stayed that way before my body heat made my legs stick to it. The noise of skin detaching itself from warm leather was worse than nails on a chalkboard.

"Enjoy lunch a little too much did we Kari?" Coulson's voice was pure sass.

I cracked open an eye to stare at him. He was still looking at me, one of his trademark smirks on his face. I thought I was going to be in trouble. Quite the opposite by the look on Coulson's face. He actually looked pleased that I was doing something a little more like my normal self.

"3 bottles of Dom whatever it was," I smiled and closed my eye again. It had been amazingly good champagne. "Shame you missed it. Mom called, promised she wouldn't yell at you when you call back. I taught Rumlow how to use the search feature on his computer."

"Thanks," Coulson's chuckle reached my ears. "Was this your way of coping with flying home?"

"Yep," I didn't bother to smother my yawn. "Wake me up when we're home."

Falling asleep in the car was becoming pretty routine for me. I used to tease Clint about it all the time. He could fall asleep anywhere within a minute. I was getting to do the exact same thing over the last 2 weeks. If there was 5 minutes spare, I was having a nap. In the car, on the floor, on the desk, I didn't really care where it was. I only woke up long enough to fall into the Quinjet and went straight back to sleep. It wasn't until Coulson shook me awake when we landed back the Triskelion, I woke up properly.

My stomach protested at the sudden movement. I swallowed down the bile that quickly rose in my throat. Gross. I really shouldn't have drunk so much, so quickly. It was only mid morning here. The hanger was bustling with its usual activity as we walked out. Coulson handed me the suitcase I'd acquired during our stay in Malibu.

"I'm going to drop you home," Coulson looked tired himself. "Then I have to be back here and heading off again. Before you ask, I can't take you this time."

My face fell at the sudden piece of news. I shouldn't have been surprised, or even upset over it. But I was. The little bubble I'd built up to keep my sadness away suddenly burst. Spending the last 2 weeks at work had been the best thing for me, in my mind, to keep me busy. After all this time of being insanely busy, I was essentially back to sitting on the couch by myself. Laura wasn't around either, she had a work conference in San Francisco and wouldn't be back until next week. So the kids had gone to stay with her parents in Kentucky while she was away.

"Okay," I did my best to give Coulson a reassuring smile. "I'm sure I'll do nothing but sleep anyway."

"I did try," Coulson wasn't fooled by my words, or smile. He looked like there was a lot more he wanted to say on the matter. Coulson had broken some pretty big rules by letting me go along with him. When everything went to shit, he'd been in even more trouble for me being there. But at the end of the day, I was already there and helping. I was better off there and being busy, even if I wasn't meant to be at work, than sitting at home unsupervised.

"I know," my smile wavered on my face. "Its fine Coulson, I'm too tired to care to be honest. Just take me home so I can crash."

The bile rose in my stomach again. I hastily swallowed to keep it firmly where it was meant to be. The hanger was incredibly busy. I didn't need to be throwing up in front of everyone here. I was such a lightweight drinker. Pepper barely looked effected when she'd gotten into her car. If anything she looked fresh and ready to take on whatever was being thrown at her in the afternoon. Sluggishly, I followed Coulson out to where Lola was still parked. The car ride back to Jared's apartment was silent. True to my word, I really was too tired for much. I was dead on my feet and way too nauseous to think about anything but bed. It took every ounce of remaining energy to drag myself to the elevator and into the apartment. I stripped off as I went, pulled on a pair of boxers and singlet then collapsed into my bed, falling asleep nearly instantly.

Story of my life lately. Eat, work and sleep.

I woke up just after 0100 with a pounding headache and the sudden urge to vomit. Bolting upright, I barely made it out of bed without falling over. My legs didn't want to work as I stumbled to the bathroom. I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and threw everything up. My stomach clenched painfully as I retched the $250 lunch up. It took a few minutes before my stomach was finally empty enough to settle down. I reached up and flushed without pulling my head up from the seat. The cool of the toilet seat felt wonderful against my hot skin.

I was never drinking champagne again. Ever. It was now on the banned list along with tequila. Stupid bubbles.

After my stomach was empty I dragged myself upright. I was in desperate need of water and aspirin. Stumbling my way through the dark apartment I found both in the kitchen, without turning any lights on. My head felt like it was going to fall off. I wasn't keen to turn the light on to make it worse. After near drowning myself by guzzling down as much water as I could stomach, I threw back a few aspirin and collapsed on the couch.

The apartment was stifling hot. If I wasn't feeling so terrible I'd get up and turn the air con on. But I just lay on the couch sweating, letting my head pound and stomach clench uncomfortably again. I really hadn't felt that drunk after lunch. Not to be feeling this sick.

Laying there in the dark I had nothing to do. No phone was ringing. No emails needed to be answered right now. No Tony Stark making ridiculous claims in a press release that needed to be buried. There's nothing but me with the sound of my breathing to keep me company. It was a very odd feeling. There was no chance of me going back to sleep. The longer I lay here, the more I woke up. There was no chance of me getting back to sleep now. I'd slept for way too long throughout the day.

The empty ache of loneliness wormed its way back into my body as I lay there. I sighed heavily into the dark as it just got worse and worse. I missed Clint, Natasha and Jared terribly. What was worse, for the first time in weeks I allowed myself a moment of pity. One I'd been struggling to hold back for what felt like an eternity. I missed Riley. So badly. I thought I'd buried this grief well enough not to cry anymore. But the tears fell without me realising, or being able to stop them. The sobs followed a second later.

Why did it still hurt so much? It hurt as much as the day it happened.

I curled into a ball, pulling a cushion to my chest as I sobbed. This time there was no one to comfort me. No Natasha to stroke my hair. No Jared just to hold me until the tears dried up. Clint wasn't here to distract me from my tears. It was just me. It was a horrible feeling. The ache just grew and grew until I felt like I couldn't breath any longer. Ignoring my pounding head, I threw myself off the couch and my feet carried me to the door. I needed air. I just needed to escape the confines of the 4 walls that felt like they were closing in on me. I didn't bother with the elevator, I went straight for the emergency stairs and onto the roof. The early morning air hit me in the face like a slap. But I greedily sucked it down, feeling like a drowning person gasping for air. My bare feet were cold on the concrete, but it gave me a grounding. I stood up on the open space, feeling the wind against my face. It was cool now. Unlike the muggy weather that I'd come home to. I wrapped my arms around myself, walking right to the ledge. I didn't hesitate to lift myself up and sit on the small barrier. It wasn't high, only about thigh height on me.

The nights in DC were just like New York. Always busy. The lights blocked out most of the stars in the sky. Traffic milled around no matter what time of the day or night it was. I was just another person lost in the sea of half a million people.

Tears were still coming as I looked out over the city. I just felt so utterly empty right now. Whatever had been holding me together for the last few weeks had finally come undone. Here I was thinking I was fine, I could hold it all together. But all it took was letting myself think of Riley's name and it all fell apart. I told Coulson I was fine. Right now I really wasn't. But I didn't want to ring anyone and talk either. I felt like I'd been nothing but a burden on everyone lately.

I'd been so used to being alone. I was too quiet and always over shadowed by Jared when we went to school together. During high school I was too shy and unsure of myself to ever make any real friends. I hung around the crowd during my Air Force career, always on the edges but never really involved enough to get to know people. It'd been lonely and I was fine with it because it was all I'd ever known. Now I had friends. I had a group of people I considered to be family,. I was even stupid enough to be swept along on the amazing romance I never thought I'd have. And it was all gone in the blink of an eye. How could I be so stupid to think that I'd get a happy ending? Being loved so deeply only brought me pain. A never ending ache that soaked right through to my bones.

Nothing would change for me, even as a level 6 agent now. Natasha and Clint would still go away without me. I'd always be left behind. I'd never be able to ever catch up with them. I'd always be the dead weight holding them back. If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have always been stuck on such shitty missions to hold my hand. Neither of them would have had to go with all the shit that happened after Riley died. They'd been a team for years without all the problems that I kept bringing. The thought of Riley's name again made the tears come harder.

Balancing on the narrow edging, I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged myself. The wind picked up again, knocking me slightly off balance for precarious second. My heart jumped in my throat before settling back down. The spike of adrenaline felt good. It cut through the pain. Like putting a burn under cold water. My body reacted before my brain caught up. I was standing on the ledge looking 5 stories down. I'd never been scared of heights. I was always sure of my balance. Even now,I knew I wouldn't fall. Unless I wanted to.

How easy would it be. Just to take a step forward and within seconds terminal velocity would kick in. All over. It was like I'd always would imagine being shot down in a jet would feel like. A second of knowing you were going to die. Then nothing, but whatever happened to us when we died. It was a very easy way out of getting rid of the never ending emotional ache that wouldn't leave me alone. Just one step forward and that was it.

Another gust of wind hit me from behind. This time my balance faltered. I tipped forward ever so slightly. Enough to make my stomach drop. I thought I was going to go over the edge for real. The thought of actually falling absolutely terrified me all of a sudden. I shot backwards faster than I'd ever moved in my life. In my haste, I tripped over my own feet and ended up on my ass. Sitting there sprawled on the cold concrete I couldn't stop my heat pounding. The scare was enough to stop my tears.

What was I doing? I didn't want to die. No matter how awful I felt, I couldn't do that. I couldn't throw myself off my apartment building. I raised my hand to wipe my face. My hand was shaking badly, whether it was from the fright or lingering adrenaline, either was a good guess. A thin layer of ice covered my hand. Glancing down, there was an inch of ice where my hand had just been.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. In and out. That's all I needed to focus on right now. Taking a deep breath in, then blow it out. I could cope with this. I'd been handling myself the last few weeks just fine. I could bury all of this. All of these feelings could be locked in a box in the corner of my mind and not come out again. I just needed to stay at work and keep busy. That was the best plan and it was working so far.

I lent back on my hands, tipping my face to the sky as I kept breathing evenly. The breeze was fast getting cold against my sweaty skin. I could feel goosebumps raising on the bare patches. I opened my eyes again as I let out another breath. The air in front of me misted, showing I still wasn't in complete control of my powers. I could feel the ice on the ground slowly melting into a puddle. My head was still pounding from the headache of before. I felt like I wanted to vomit again. My stomach was clenching uncomfortably, bile rising in my throat once again.

Suddenly a body appeared in front of me. I blinked as Jared came into focus, crouching down in front of me.

"What are you doing?" Jared's voice came out as a hoarse whisper. He fell and sprawled on the ground, just a hair width from me. Even in the darkness, I could see his eyes wide and looking far too bright. He looked just as frightened as I felt a few moments ago.

"I couldn't breath," my own whisper came out weakly as I looked down in my lap. "I just…"

The silence between us was incredibly uncomfortable. I'd always been able to speak to Jared. But right now words were sticking in my throat. The thoughts from before were a very slippery slope I'd put my foot on. There was no hiding from this.

"You just what Kari?" Jared prompted. His voiced sounded very choked up. I was so ashamed I couldn't lift my head. I shook my head, not finding the words to finish what I wanted to say. There wasn't anything I really could say to make this sound any better. It was a pretty clear picture of what I'd been thinking up here. Jared knew it, he didn't have to ask me.

"I miss him so much," I whispered. Tears started to run down my face again. "I feel so alone."

Jared pulled me into a hug. I buried my face into his shoulder, trying to hold back the horrible sobs from escaping. It didn't work. The sobs were just like my tears. They came out whether I wanted them to or not. Jared rubbed my back as I cried into his expensive looking silk shirt. He smelt like cigarette smoke, sweat and the lingering smell of a woman perfume. God knows what he'd just been doing.

"You're not alone," Jared murmured into my hair. "You're never alone. I'm always here for you, no matter what."

He rocked me gently I sat there crying. I hated this. It'd be so much easier if I could just erase everything about Riley from my mind. I didn't want to this pain. It was just too much. I just wanted to be able to move on in my life and not have to deal with this. I didn't want to be broken. I just wanted my life back.

"You do have your life, it's still here" Jared said quietly. His arms tightened around me. "This is just a stumbling block. You always pull yourself back up. No matter how shitty everything gets you're strong, capable and amazing. Cuz, you know, you're the female version of me."

The small, strangled laugh that slipped out was like a breath of fresh air. Only Jared could make me laugh when I was feeling like this. Even though I couldn't see his face, I could feel the smile he'd give himself for making me laugh.

"You've got this," Jared rocked me in our awkward embrace. "You don't need to be doing anything stupid just because things get a little rough from time to time. You call me if you ever feel like that again, you hear me?"

I nodded, the change in Jared's tone was pretty clear that he wasn't fucking around.

"No matter what I'm doing, I will always drop everything to be here with you Kari," Jared's grip tightened again, almost to the point of bruising. "Don't you ever let yourself feel like there's nothing else for you. I know Riley's gone, but we all loved him too. You've still got me and Tasha and Barton, Laura and the kids. We're all still here. No matter what, I will never leave you."

There was nothing I could say to that. I clung onto Jared like my life depended on it. My life really did depend on it right now. Jared being here was the only thing holding me together right now.

"Let me call in that I won't be back," Jared said quietly, pushing a few loose strands of hair out of my face. "And we'll go inside, I'm going to pull out that bottle of 21 year old whiskey that I got for our birthday. What do you say to some pasta from Italy?"

Bribery was perfectly acceptable in my eyes to get me feeling better. Food worked. Expensive scotch worked even better. My stomach had settled down

"How about pizza from Rizzo's?" I pulled my face away from Jared's shoulder. The suggestion brought a small smile onto his face. Rizzo's was our favourite pizza place in New York. It was even better because it was open 24/7.

"Done, lets get you inside."

Authors Note

Again, sorry for the delay everyone. Life just gets in the way sometimes. My inspiration comes and goes, unfortunately when it comes its usually when I don't have the time to write. This chapter was pretty heavy. But it was definitely coming. I did the editing myself, so excuse any mistakes.

Welcome to my new readers. I'm always so happy to get new favourites. And thank you to everyone who reviews. It just makes my day to get them.

I'm aiming for fortnightly updates right now. So thanks to everyone for being patient.

Until next time. And with a surprise visitor next chapter as well.