Zelena wasn't sure if she should be proud of Alice, sad for her, angry at the girl's so called mother or all three. Alice was sitting in the bathroom when Zelena had gone to tell her it was okay to leave. The door was moving back and forth. Alice was messing with the door. This was the first time Zelena had caught her doing it after telling her it was okay. Alice had been doing this every time she was in the bathroom. It was something that was fun. Or at least Alice's idea of fun. Zelena waited until the door was pulled open again and then stepped into the bathroom.
Alice glanced up at Zelena. And then continued with what felt like a game to her. She pushed the door shut and didn't manage to catch it. Alice flinched but wanted to keep playing. Zelena hadn't been angry the last time. Was it still okay?
Alice tried to reach the door knob and managed to open the door. She kept pushing it back and forth. Zelena didn't want to tell Alice she couldn't do something she seemed to enjoy but she couldn't sit in the bathroom all day. And Zelena knew that's what she would do.
Zelena didn't react to Alice playing with the door. Alice stared at her. She hadn't upset her?
"Hey, Alice?"
Alice had an idea. She was so tired of waiting for Zelena to get angry. She couldn't find a way to make her mad. Would Zelena get angry if she kept playing while she was trying to talk to her?
Alice pushed the door shut and made sure it made a sound. She glanced at Zelena who didn't react for a moment.
Zelena saw Alice shut the door. It was a weird thing to do but it wasn't a problem. And it did seem like Alice was getting a little more bold. Zelena would take it.
"Good." Zelena reopened the door. "Bit easier to shut it then open it, yeah?"
Alice stared at Zelena. How was that good? She'd ignored her when she was talking. She'd well Alice didn't know what exactly was wrong with what she did but she knew it should have been enough to make Zelena angry! Would she just get angry? Alice had spent her entire life trying to keep mother from being angry at her and it'd never worked. And she just wanted to know what would anger Zelena and nothing did. Alice wanted to cry but she had spent so long hiding her tears she couldn't bring herself to cry. Alice could make Zelena angry if she tried hard enough. She didn't know what would work. Alice glanced at the floor. What if she got up? What if she just started running around the house? Mother had never caught her doing that. Alice knew that would have gotten her in so much trouble. She wanted to make Zelena angry, didn't she? But how angry? Alice took in a breath and stood up.
Zelena blinked. This was new. She waited. She wanted to see where this was going. Where was this going?
Alice stood there for a few seconds. She had thought this through but not well enough. She knew her way around the house. But she'd have to run past Zelena. Okay maybe walking past Zelena was better. She wanted her angry but not that angry. Alice hadn't tried to run in a long time but she knew how. Not well but it'd work. She walked out of the bathroom and then ran down the hallway. Zelena could see her. Alice ran to the front door and stopped. The door. Should she go outside? No. This was enough. And she had tired herself out. She didn't move this much. And she was suprised she didn't fall this time. She'd usually fallen when she tried to run. Which had only been a few times. She was scared mother would catch her but she'd tried it a few times anyway. What she didn't know couldn't anger her. Alice sat down and pressed her back against the door. She was scared now. What had she done? This hadn't been a good idea. She was going to be in so much trouble. Alice let her eyes dart around the room. She hadn't had to deal with any kind of pain in a while. She could remeber how she handled it when mother had hit her but she didn't know what Zelena would want her to do. And she knew Zelena wouldn't likely tell her. Alice pulled her knees into her chest and burried her face into her lap. This was bad. Why had she done that? This was the one rule mother never let her break. Alice couldn't hear herself think over her breathing thaat had started to shake.
Zelena watched as Alice ran down the hall. That was a first. She'd never seen Alice try to run. It was great. She saw Alice make it to the door then just crumple back into herself. Okay so it wasn't great. But it was something. If she was careful she could use this to help Alice.
Zelena approached Alice and saw the shake in her body. It wasn't as slight as normal. This was a level of fear Zelena hadn't seen Alice have before. She was shaking so much Zelena wasn't sure she'd notice her.
"Hey," Zelena tried to adress Alice. She ignored her. Or didn't hear her. "Alice?"
Alice was so frightened she had stopped paying attention to her surroundings. It was better this way. Maybe she wouldn't feel anything. She didn't want to. Alice could hear every insult her mother had ever thrown her way rininging in her mind. She believed her. And right now she felt awful. The people here had been nothing but nice to her. And she had tried to anger Zelena. She was sure she'd succeeded. And now she had to deal with what the consequences would be. She wasn't ready for them. Alice closed her eyes tighter. She was already going to be in so much trouble. It was already going to hurt. She'd just wait until Zelena told her what to do.
Could Alice hear her?
"Alice?" there wasn't any response. "Please look at me?" No answer. Alice had completly stopped paying attention. Zelena should have known it wouldn't have been as easy as Alice just suddenly forgetting her entire life. "Okay, that's fine."
Zelena kept talking she wasn't sure if Alice could hear her or not right now. "It's okay." She kept trying to comfort Alice but no amount of talking seemed to pull Alice out of this. Zelena didn't want to touch her. She knew that she flinched away if anyone got close to her or walked by her too quickly. But it seemed like that might be the only way to get Alice to notice what was going on around her. And she couldn't just let her sit in front of the door all day. It wasn't safe. Zelena hoped this didn't break Alice's already fragile sense of confidence. It was good she was moving. But if this is how it ended? It wasn't.
Zelena tried talking to Alice again. When she didn't get a response she gently touched her shoulder. Barely touching it. Zelena wasn't even sure if she'd be able to feel it.
Alice flinched and looked up. Right. She'd done something bad. Zelena was touching her shoulder. For a second. Did she want her to get up? Should she get up? Alice could remeber mother grabbing her when she was angry and telling her to get up. But that had always hurt. That had always left a bruise. This? She could barely feel it. She didn't know what Zelena wanted her to do. She wanted to curl up and cry because she should have known better.
"It's okay." Zelena quicky realized that having a conversation while Alice was in this state would only frustrate them both. She'd try again later. She told Alice she'd be in the kitchen and tried to give Alice options of what to do. For a moment she wasn't sure Alice was going to respond. Alice decided to go to her room and did so.
Alice sat in the far corner of her room and clutched her blanket. She stared at the toy rabbit she held in her other hand. She talked to the rabbit quietly.
"I' 'sangryisn'tshe?" Alice shook her head. She didn't know if Zelena was ignoring what she'd done while she tried to figure out what to do about it or if she just didn't...Alice didn't know what the other was. She really hoped Zelena came back soon. The longer Alice had to wait the worse it'd be. Alice was angry at herself. It had been fine! She'd gotten used to not being in pain most of the time. It still scared her that no one ever yelled at her or hurt her but now things were going to go back to the way they were. And she had thought that was what she wanted but now she wasn't ready. She'd been starting to be...she didn't know what the word was. But she wasn't crying as much.
Zelena didn't know what to do. Alice had done something so bold and then shut down even further than normal. She'd never seen Alice lose her awareness of things. She'd completly shut down to a point even when Zelena phrased something in a way that normally would have had Alice doing it without any hestitation she didn't do it at all. Zelena didn't want to know what Alice thought was going to happen. She probably needed to, though. She wasn't going to ask. Or pry. It was time to focus as best as they could on the present situation.
Zelena decided a peace offering was best. She gathered some food to take over to Alice. This conversation was going to be hard. Alice had been frightened to a point Zelena wasn't sure she'd be able to talk to her about much of anything.
"I brought biscuits. And milk." Zelena set it in front of Alice who had thankfully stopped shaking and seemed to have relaxed.
"Sorry." Alice spit out a word quickly. Zelena wanted to sigh. She was pretty sure Alice hadn't done anything wrong. She knew Alice thought what she did was wrong.
"You're allowed to run," Zelena told her. Alice shook her head. No. No she wasn't. Zelena was supposed to be angry. She was supposed to hurt her. Alice was frustrated. This didn't make sense. "Do you want to eat your food in here or go outside?"
Alice stared at Zelena. Really? Even when she was supposed to be angry. Couldn't she just yell a little? Tell her that she didn't want her? Something! Alice held in a sigh. This place was never going to feel like home. Alice gave up. She couldn't anger her could she? "bemad." Alice begged. She just wanted to this over with.
"You want me to be angry?" Zelena questioned. Alice was so different than Robin was. Robin's teenage rebellion phase involved a cop car. The most rebllious thing Alice had done was break a rule Zelena had wanted her to break.
Alice nodded.
"Why?" Alice didn't knw how to explain it but she'd try.
" ." Alice knew that really wasn't enough to explain but she didn't like talking and she was scared talking to Zelena.
"Okay, you tell your rabbit why and I'll look away?"
Zelena turned around after Alice nodded.
"She' 'mscaredandIdiditonpurposeandi'msupposedtobeinpainwhenidobadthings."
The words were so rushed Zelena only got bits and pieces. But she heard Alice say she'd done it on purpose. Alice had been trying to anger her. She knew sometimes kids acted out to she where the line was but this hurt her. Did Alice think she'd hurt her? Zelena wouldn't but was saddened Alice was so scared of everything. She needed to tell Alice she was allowed to do things. Zelena turned back around.
"It's okay. I'm not mad. Any time you want, you can move around. It's fine."
Alice thought about it. She wasn't sure. Was this a trap? It could be a trap. But Alice thought more and considered that even if it was Zelena would have gotten angry at her running and hurt her already. She'd try it. She'd be careful about it but she'd try it.
As long as no one saw her, it was okay wasn't it? She wasn't sure. But she'd tried to anger Zelena and instead of hurting her she'd brought her biscuits and comforted her. Alice thought for a little while. The thing she was afraid of didn't seem like it was going to happen. And she'd always really wanted mother to stop making her follow this rule. She'd never felt like she was allowed to do anything. Was it okay now? Alice was scared but she'd try what Zelena was telling her it was okay to try.
"Okay." But maybe she'd just try asking first? "Canigotothebathroom?"
Zelena would take it. It wasn't doing it on her own but it was better than waiting for Zelena to tell her she could go.
"Absolutley. Go for it." Zelena was tempted to do a bloody happy dance once Alice couldn't see her. It wasn't exactly what she'd wanted but Alice had asked her instead of sitting until she was writhing and moaning in pain. It was progress. The tinest of steps but Alice was getting better. It'd still take time but she was getting better. She was starting to realize she wasn't in constant danger here. Zelena was thrilled. She really hoped Alice would come out of the bathroom on her own but when that didn't happen she went and found her.
"CanIhelpyoucook?" Alice whispered. She'd enjoyed doing that. And Zelena had just let her do what she wanted when she asked.
Zelena nodded in shock. "Yes." She made sure Alice had washed her hands and then let Alice help. Zelena was so excited but held in her excitement and calmly told Alice she was doing good whenever she asked something. Alice didn't say much else while helping Zelena but she'd take it. It was a huge step in the right direction.
