"Ow."

It was the only word I could get out as I lay on the floor of the gym feeling like I was about to die. Only Natasha could turn our morning yoga sessions into something that was more like a torture session. I was still stiff and sore and my back really did not want to stretch the way Natasha tried to get me to do.

"Go to your physiotherapy sessions and your back won't be so sore," Natasha countered. She was sitting on the floor across from me. "Even I don't avoid my physiotherapy."

I grunted in non commitment. I knew she was right. I was meant to come back to DC after my birthday weekend but had stayed in New York. Mom and Dad had both taken a few days off to work and it had been a fun visit home. Even Jared had stuck around for it. The opening night at Stark Tower with Gareth had been an amazing night. I thought Pepper might have been too busy to do much more than say hello. But she stuck with me most of the night. Seeing Rhodey there as well had been another surprise, he and Gareth got on like a house on fire straight away. While Tony made a very last second appearance, much to Pepper displeasure, the brief conversation I had with him didn't make me want to smack him in the face. Gareth had to go back to Iraq the next morning. He more than made up for the short visit after we left the party. Any shred of doubt I felt about him seeing me naked with the huge scar was gone in an instant with how he looked at me when I stepped out of my dress. Our birthday dinner was another huge surprise with Natasha, Clint, Laura and the kids all showing up at my parent's house for it. Afterwards had been the first decent night sleep I had gotten in weeks. A trend which had continued over the time spent at my parents. I was starting to feel more human again.

The holiday was over now though. I was back at work and due to have my meeting with Fury this morning. I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Natasha had insisted I come in this morning and do some yoga with her beforehand.

My phone buzzed near my feet. Without asking, Natasha swooped it up and read the text.

"It's Gareth," she announced rather unnecessarily. I'd been talking to Gareth while I got ready for work this morning. I waited for a few more seconds while Natasha read the message. "So that's why you were late this morning."

I snorted with contained laughter. There was no point denying I'd been caught up texting Gareth this morning. Natasha was probably reading the resulting conversation on why I'd been so distracted I hadn't noticed the time.

"I like Gareth, he's good for you." Natasha's statement surprised me. I was expecting her to tease me mercilessly for the sexting. "When he's home?"

I didn't need to voice that I thought Gareth was good for me too. He seemed to have a knack for knowing what to talk about and what to avoid with me. I thought there may have been a freak out on my behalf when we first started being intimate again. Gareth seemed more than happy for me to take the lead and let me do whatever I wanted. It was a good way to ease me back into things after Aldon. There were a few tense moments at the start but I soon relaxed and got swept away with it all. After not seeing Gareth before he left there was some pent up energy to be spent in bed which I was more than happy to have fun with.

"A few weeks." I craned my head around to look at Natasha. She was sitting crossed legged at my feet, her face scrunched up in concentration as she texted Gareth. I was too tired to protest at whatever she was sending him. "I've invited him up for the weekend. So you've got Barton while Gareth is here."

Clint was due back at work next week. He wasn't coming back to the apartment until Sunday night though. Jared had crashed in his old room last night so I hadn't been alone. After living with Clint for these last few months it was odd not to have him in the apartment. I'd really missed having my coffee and protein shake ready for me to go this morning. Jared wasn't even awake when I left earlier, let alone making me a coffee and protein shake.

While I was pondering about the lack of coffee this morning, which wasn't helping my exhausted state, I heard the camera click on my phone. I groaned and flipped Natasha off. I dreaded to think what Natasha was talking to Gareth about that she needed to take a photo of me.

"I'm only helping with your conversation from earlier," Natasha said smugly. "Those shorts you have on are extremely short."

"That's because I'm pretty sure they're yours," I said, sitting up with a groan. "I couldn't be bothered unpacking so I grabbed the first thing out of the closet."

People were starting to trickle into the gym now. If I got up and had a shower now I still had time to squeeze in breakfast before I had to go see Fury.

"Hey, new recruits to torture." Natasha nudged my foot, inclining her head towards the door.

Evans was at the head of the small group, hobbling along with his ankle still in a boot. He was off his crutches, which I knew he wasn't meant to be yet. I knew he was going through profiles for new candidates during the week I stayed with him. It was a quick interview process by the looks of things. Evans noticed both of us and steered the group in our direction.

"Gentlemen, two thirds of STRIKE Team Delta," Evans introduced us. "Romanoff and Lyngley. Don't listen to anything they say, they like to haze new people."

"Hey," I protested with a pout. "Don't rope me into the same category. I've never done anything to the new recruits."

"Guilty by association," Evans shot back at me with a small laugh. "Have you been going to your physiotherapy appointments?"

"Have you been using your crutches when your wife isn't looking?" I countered with an innocent smile. The guilty look that flashed across Evans face told me the answer. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

That got some muted laughter from the new guys on his team. Most of them were trying to be polite and not stare but they were all looking a little awed or curious. It probably didn't help that Natasha and I were both sitting on the ground in nothing but shorts and sports bras.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too," Evans countered quickly. "Go to your appointment and come deal with your goddaughter before she dies from lack of Kari time, as she told me last night."

"I'll be over for dinner," I promised with a laugh. I'd spoken to Alexi on the phone last night and she'd been bugging me about coming home to her.

"Good." Evans nodded. "We'll keep going before you two do something to scare them all off on their first day."

The smirk Natasha gave Evans mirrored my own. Natasha was right in saying that she had trained me well. We acted so much like each other these days. The near identical smirks made Evans roll his eyes and leave without saying goodbye. The new guys took the hint as well and followed without looking back.

"Come on, food and then let's see if we can catch the new recruits off guard." Natasha sprung to her feet, offering me her hand.

I stiffly reached out took Natasha's hand. My back protested heavily at getting to my feet, leaving me stooped over like an old woman.

"Actually, I'll get us food and you can go to medical and get in for a physio session this morning," Natasha said, as I struggled to straighten up. "The last thing you need in this job is a fucked back."

"Yes Dear." There was no point arguing. Natasha would knock me out and drag me up there by my hair if I avoided it for any longer. Even I had to admit my back was really sore this morning. It took me a few hobbling steps to get moving at a pace more than a shuffle. At least the few people in the gym were polite enough to ignore my struggle. Natasha took pity on me and let me lean against her as we walked to the elevator and to the medical wing.

Shuffling into medical like an old woman got me an appointment with the physiotherapist right away. The few stretches he made me do hurt like hell but the massage afterwards eased away most of the ache. During my massage, the physiotherapist, Adam, scolded me for letting my back ache like this before I got it checked. I was lucky it was nothing more than muscule spasms. I hadn't done any serious damage to my back by carrying Clint but the muscles and soft tissue still wasn't very happy. I was able to walk out of the medical wing upright once Adam was finished with me.

Natasha had gone to the cafeteria while I was getting my back fixed and had a big greasy bacon burger waiting for me. At least my appetite had stuck around for this recovery.

"Coulson want's to talk to you before we do anything else," Natasha said in quiet Russian while I took the first bite out of my burger as we walked into the elevator. "I told him we'd head straight to his office."

I nodded, my mouth too full to reply to her. I wasn't surprised that Coulson wanted to see me. He'd been checking up on me every single day, whether by email or a phone call. It was never anything deep or meaningful, but those little emails or the brief calls to ask how I was doing today meant a lot. No doubt Coulson wanted to make sure I was properly briefed before I had my meeting with Fury.

"What are you doing?" I asked once I finished my mouthful. Natasha still had my phone out but had the screen angled away from me so I couldn't see what she was doing.

"Organising going to see Wicked, when Gareth gets back," Natasha said completely nonchalantly as her fingers flew over the screen.

"He's trying to save up for a deposit on a house, hence the overseas tour." I moved to take the phone from Natasha. She moved out of the way too quickly for my still stiff body to reach. "I'm trying to avoid doing stuff that makes him spend money."

"Isn't he lucky he has you for a kind and benevolent sugar mama to pay for him," Natasha said smoothly, not bothering to look up at me. Her comment got a snort of barely contained laughter from one of the male office workers standing in front of us.

I wasn't going to win this argument. Truthfully, I really wanted to go see Wicked. Natasha had already agreed to come with me ages ago when we saw it was coming to John F. Kennedy Centre. No doubt there'd be dinner and drinks beforehand to make it a night out.

"While you're at it, you better tell Jared about it otherwise he'll kill us both for not inviting him," I said before I went back to eating my burger.

Natasha nodded, still not looking up from my phone. If there weren't so many people in the elevator I would have asked Natasha if Sam wanted to go. Despite Natasha being home, he still sounded miserable the last time I spoke to him. He was still practically living at Evans house except when Natasha persuaded him to go over to her place.

The elevator stopped at our floor. As soon as Natasha and I took a step forward, it was like the red sea parting for people to let us off. The reputation of STRIKE Team Delta was well known but it still amused me after all this time that things like that still happened to me. It still hadn't lost the surreal feeling. I finished my burger as we casually strolled to Coulson's office. It was still early enough that he might not be there yet and there was plenty of time to kill before I had to go see Fury.

As I was shoving the last bite of burger into my mouth my phone started ringing. Instead of answering it right away, Natasha froze in her tracks, frowning at the screen.

"Who is it?" I asked curiously. It was obvious that it wasn't Gareth, Jared or Clint. If any of those had rung she would have answered it right away.

Wordlessly Natasha handed the phone over to me. I frowned, taking it from her and looking at the caller ID on the screen. It was Lynette, Riley's Mom.

I hadn't spoken to her since after Riley's funeral. We emailed back and forth at least once a week. I kept her updated about Alexi's antics and just general things happening in life. I hadn't heard from her in the last week though.

"Hi." I answered the call after a second on contemplation. "Is everything all right?"

"Hey Kari, everything is fine. Don't panic," Lynette sounded tired on the other end of the phone. "Do you have a minute alone?"

"Sure." I was three steps away from Coulson's office. "Give me a second."

The door was unlocked and the fresh pot of coffee meant Coulson had been and gone. Without asking, Natasha stayed outside the door and pulled it shut behind me.

"What's up?" I asked, curiosity burning through me as I poured myself a coffee. Judging by the smell of the coffee, Pepper had sent Coulson a few bags of the good stuff again. I'd have to thank her for that.

"I've got some news, I'm not quite sure if it's good or bad, to be honest," Lynette sighed. Her weary tone made me pause in stirring the creamer into my coffee. "It's about Riley's will."

"What about it?" I hadn't seen the will myself. I'd only gone on by what everyone else had told me. I never touched the money I got from Riley's SHIELD and family payment. Every cent of it went into another account like I requested. Mom had set it up for me so it didn't even show up on my own bank details. I wouldn't have a clue how much money was in there.

"So." Lynette blew out a long breath before she continued. "Your Mom and I thought it was best that we kept some of the details from you until everything was sorted. Which is now is. I know you know that Riley left you his SHIELD payment and the money he got from the family business. But he also left you his inheritance and life insurance payment too. The day after the funeral, Emma and Tracey both contested his will, specifically those two things."

I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. The breath actually left my body in a loud whoosh. The sudden wave of emotion hit me so hard, I felt like I was reeling. My hands shook so much the coffee splashed out of the mug onto the bench until I put it down. I knew Riley's aunts had disapproved heavily of me, that was evident at the Thanksgiving visit. I didn't think they despised me enough to actually go against Riley's wishes. Like I'd said to Riley when we first started dating, his finances were none of my business and to this day I'd kept my nose well and truly out of everything to do with his money that I got. It was another thing on the long list of things I couldn't deal with.

"Your Mom lawyered up right away and so did I." The anger was clear in Lynette's voice. She stopped and it suspiciously sounded like she was wiping her nose. Her honest statement brought me back to this conversation instead of fainting. "They had no right to a cent of his money and this was Emma being a bitch because she didn't get what she wanted out of the divorce to Ben."

"I knew I didn't like Emma for a reason," I said shakily. "Fucking bitch."

I needed to distract myself with humour. Otherwise, I felt like I was going to burst into tears. Thanksgiving with Riley's family felt like a lifetime ago. So much had happened since then.

"Well, she got exactly what she deserved." Though Lynette laughed, there wasn't much humour behind it. "Not a penny of his money. Tracey as well. It all settled on Friday. I wanted to be the one to tell you."

I had no idea what to feel. Should I be happy that Riley's Aunt's got absolutely nothing? I didn't feel an ounce of joy from the news at all. It felt like this was a horrible finality to everything. This was it. This was the last of things to be settled from when Riley died. It was a horrid reminder that he wasn't ever coming back.

"I know this doesn't really help emotionally," Lynette said gently. There was a muted sniffle from her end of the phone. "But Riley wanted to make sure you were taken care of and you never had to worry about money ever again. He did it for a few people actually. Your college fund for Alexi is kind of obsolete now."

How much money did Riley leave me? I knew his family were well off but I couldn't begin to imagine what kind of money Lynette was talking about. I needed to sit down before I fell down. My legs shook as I walked over to the closest chair I could find.

"I don't know what to say." My voice was scratchy and hoarse. A lump formed in my throat and no amount of swallowing was pushing it back down.

"You don't have to say anything," Lynette said with a sad sigh. "Your Mom will ring you with the final details and there are a few things to sign. I just wanted to let you know about all of this myself."

"Thank you." My voice was very small. It was getting harder and harder to fight back the threatening tears. "I…"

My voice hitched and my throat closed. My eyes squeezed shut, holding back the gathering moisture.

"I know this is really hard," Lynette said quickly. She sounded as choked up as I was feeling. "I know Riley never got around to making it official but you'll always be my daughter in law and I'll do anything I can to protect you. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

Lynette didn't give me a chance to respond. The phone went dead in my ear.

I had no strength to even sit in the chair anymore. My phone fell from my fingers onto Coulson's desk and my body crumbled out of the chair. I felt like every emotion that I'd tried to bury with Riley come roaring back to life. The hurt, pain and anguish of losing him hit me like a ton of bricks. There was some horrible finality of it all now, even though all this time had passed. There was no stopping the tears. They leaked out from underneath my tightly shut eyelids. My chest felt like someone had it in a vice and they wouldn't stop squeezing. My heart that I thought was healing broke into a million pieces all over again. Riley was gone and he was never coming back.

I'd give every cent Riley left me to have him back.

Everything hit me all at once as I sat in a crumpled heap on the floor, crying like I'd never cried before. I was only vaguely aware of Natasha coming in and pulling me into her arms. Her murmured words did nothing to soothe my anguish. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, let alone answer her about what was wrong. I could only sit there crying as hard as I cried on the rooftop the night Riley died.

"Kari, hey look at me."

A completely different voice, one that wasn't meant to be in Coulson's office, made me look up. Through my blurred vision, I could only just make out the face of my Mom.

"I want to go home."

Through my sobs, my plea sounded like a garbled mess. Right now I needed to be as far away from everything that had to do with Riley. The heartbreak was too much to bear. Natasha let go of me and suddenly I was in Jared's arms. I hadn't even heard or felt him arrive. The world dropped out from underneath me and the next second, I was back in my room at my parent's house.

"I've got you," Jared said softly, hugging me tightly. "Come on, up on the bed."

I didn't have an ounce of strength to put towards getting myself up. Jared supported my full weight and gently put me on my bed. I barely registered the soft mattress underneath me. All I could do cling to Jared like he was the only thing keeping me alive right now.

"I couldn't save him," I said through my sobs, clinging to Jared's shirt. "I couldn't save anyone."

That thought came out of nowhere. The guilt from the last mission had come crawling out of the black hole of emotions that I tried to keep it in. I knew it was only a matter of time before it reared its ugly head. It had just come out at the worst possible time.

"Hey, come on." Jared seemed lost for words as he rocked me. "That's not true and you know it. Don't you dare let that guilt start eating at you now."

I knew Jared was trying to be comforting. His words had the opposite effect, it only made me cry even harder than before. When Riley died I thought I'd cried a lifetime of tears and I'd never be able to cry again. I was very, very wrong. I had more tears now than ever.

"You saved me," Jared said softly. "Kari, look at me."

Jared didn't give me a choice. His strong hands pried me off his shirt and he cupped my face between his hands, making me look at him. I could barely make his face out through my tears.

"Who carried Barton to safety?" Jared said firmly. He didn't let me shake my head in protest or speak. He kept on talking over my body wracking sobs. "Who pulled Natasha off that cliff when your tyres were shot out in Odessa? Do I need to even point out who's little girl and boy are thrilled to have their Dad home every single night? You are a badass motherfucker who is more than deserving of wearing the mantle of STRIKE Team Delta. I am not going to let you sit here and wallow in that guilt shit from that fucking mission. You can cry for the next month about Riley but I'm not letting you shed a tear over you being a hero."

A hero. That was a funny way of putting it. Even if I wasn't wracked by the guilt of not being able to save everyone, I still wouldn't call myself a hero. I'd done what anyone in my predicament on that mission. I'm pretty sure Clint or Natasha wouldn't have sat in the back of the Quinjet ready to give up like I had. There'd be no arguing with Jared over this. I knew he wasn't lying and he really believed I was a hero. If only I could convince myself of that fact.

"I don't want Riley's money, I want him back."

My soft confession brought a fresh round of tears. Jared let go of my face and hugged me fiercely. I sagged against him, burying my face into Jared's shoulder as the tears kept coming.

"I know you do," Jared said quietly as he resumed rocking me gently. "I'd bring him back if I could."

I cried for what felt like an eternity. I was so physically and emotionally drained by the time I was done, I could barely keep my eyes open. I didn't have any energy at all so Jared eased me off his shoulder and down onto the bed.

"I'll be back in a few seconds, I'm going to get Mom," Jared said, pulling my blanket up over my curled up body. "I don't think she's very happy I left her in Coulson's office."

Jared's quip was meant to try and get some kind of reaction out of me. I felt nothing though. Absolutely nothing but a great big hole in my life again. I tightened the blanket around me, nodding with a sniff. I just wanted to lay here and feel sorry for myself. I hadn't let myself wallow in my grief when Riley died. I was tired of being strong and holding it all in.

True to his word, Jared was gone and back within five seconds. I had my back turned to both of them as they arrived in the room. I heard footsteps and a weight next to me dipped the bed down. Mom's cool fingers smoothed away the mess of hair away from my face.

"Get some sleep."

It was a second too late before I realised what Mom had just done. She very rarely used her powers on either of us. I hated that she could manipulate my body into feeling so tired that I would fall asleep instantly. I didn't even get a chance to get upset about it before I passed out.

It was dark when I woke up. I felt like shit. My eyes were itchy and gritty from crying much earlier. My head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton wool. I was desperately thirsty. I groaned as I rolled over, looking at the clock on my bedside table. It was a 0207. Despite feeling like shit, I was wide awake. Someone had been thoughtful and left a bottle of water beside the clock. It took a lot of effort to sit up and get the bottle of water. My limbs felt like they weighed a ton each and nothing wanted to work properly. It took me three goes to unscrew the lid off the water. I greedily drank the entire bottle dry and flopped back down against the pillows, staring up at the dark ceiling. A lone glow in the dark star was still there from one of my terrible ideas to plaster my entire room in them.

What the fuck was I going to do now? Every time I felt like my life was getting back on track something would come along and knock me right back on my ass. I wasn't sure if I could keep getting up and trudging along. It was getting harder to pick myself up time after time. I was over a year since Riley had died. I thought I was doing well by slowly moving on in my life. Was this a sign I shouldn't be moving on? Or was it a sign I was still clinging to a life I knew that was never going to happen. My heart felt as broken as it was this time last year right after Riley's funeral.

Jared said I was a hero. Why didn't I feel like one? Why couldn't I let the crippling guilt about not saving everyone go? I knew that I'd done everything I could to save as many people as possible. I really did. But my mind would not let it go that I couldn't save everyone.

My mind was going round and round in circles with questions I had no answers to. With a defeated sigh, I pushed myself up into a sitting position and listened. The house was quiet, as it should be at this hour of the morning. I didn't feel like talking to anyone and my stomach was making it known that I had missed lunch and dinner. I wearily rubbed my forehead before stiffly climbing out of bed. Someone had taken my shoes off and I was still dressed in my workout clothes from earlier. As I clicked on the bedside lamp, a familiar grey hoodie drew my attention right away. It was one of Riley's hoodies, his favourite one that I'd claimed for myself. Every time I wore it, Riley would roll his eyes and mutter under his breath about me stealing clothes to establish my dominance. I never quite caught what he was saying but there was always a smile on his face, as much as he tried to hide it. My heart ached all over again as I reached out and picked up the well worn material. It had taken me months to bring myself to wash it because it still smelt of Riley. Jared had accidentally thrown in the washing machine one day, mistaking it for one of his hoodies. I was proud of myself that day that I didn't cry when Jared handed the freshly laundered hoodie back to me, apologising over and over again. It was one of those moments where I thought I was taking a step forward.

I pulled the hoodie over my head, resisting the urge to give it a sniff like I used to when it still smelt like Riley. It was a hard habit to break. Pulling the sleeves down over my hands I quietly padded out into the hallway. Instead of it being dark like I thought it would be, there was a light underneath Jared's door. I stopped outside, hesitating at the still slightly ajar door.

"I'm decent if you want to come in," Jared's voice had no traces of sleep in it. If anything there were tinges of exhaustion in his tone.

I took his invitation, pushing the door open. Jared was sitting up against the headboard of his bed, his chin resting on his knees as he stared at the enormous TV taking up most of the opposite wall. Without prompting, Jared scooted over so I could fit on the bed with him.

Despite my shitty mood, there was a strained smile tug at my lips as I looked at the TV across the room. Jared had paused the movie as I climbed onto the bed. That fucking TV of his had been quite the stir the year we'd turned 16. Jared caught my eye and a smirk appeared on his handsome face.

"Are you remembering the summer I got the TV?"

I nodded, smiling a little bit more. Jared had wanted a TV for his 16th birthday. Not just any TV, he had his heart set on an enormous flat screen TV. Mom and Dad had been adamant that if he wanted that TV he had to work for it. They'd come to an arrangement that whatever Jared made during his summer job, our parents would contribute equally to it. We hadn't been pushed to get jobs throughout high school so we could both focus on our studies. It was something I was grateful for. Being the nerd I was, I took some extra classes over summer to make my Air Force application look even better for the year after. No one had expected Jared to actually get a job and when he proudly announced he'd landed a job as a bicycle delivery boy at a pizza place, even I was surprised. Jared had made good work of his teleporting skills. He never openly did it and always arrived five minutes earlier than expected to people's places. This made him a small fortune in tips. At the end of summer, Jared had saved every cent of it and proudly dumped the entire contents on the kitchen table. My parents lived up to their promise and matched every cent of it. Jared was still smug about the damn 50 inch flatscreen TV to this day.

I mirrored Jared's posture, tucking my knees up to my chin as I got comfortable on the bed. Jared had Kill Bill playing on the TV. It was right at the start of the epic fight scene. Without asking, he hit play.

"Drink?" Jared asked, bending down beside of the bed. He produced a bottle of expensive looking red wine.

My wrinkled nose gave Jared his answer. I couldn't stomach red wine. It was bad enough when Natasha drank it.

"Your loss," Jared said, taking a swig straight from the bottle. "It's really, really expensive wine."

I shook my head. Even really expensive red wine wasn't going to help persuade me to drink it. I turned my attention back to the movie instead. Jared had the sound turned down low and the subtitles on, which is why I didn't hear it when I first woke up.

Jared drank his wine from the bottle and I stayed silent as we watched the movie. We used to do this as teenagers as well, minus the expensive red wine. Sometimes it was a bottle of cheap liquor Jared had managed to swindle off someone. Not that we had to hide our drinking from our parents. When we were 16, neither of my parents had a problem with us having a small glass of wine or a beer with dinner. Mom's reasoning was she'd prefer we did it openly and at home so she knew where we were and what we were drinking.

"Do you remember when I told you about my partner, Phillip?" Jared said suddenly, breaking the silence. "It was when we were in Afghanistan."

I looked at Jared, confused at the sudden topic. I vaguely remember Jared telling me after my mission in Afghanistan when I'd made my first kill. His first and only partner Phillip had been killed while they were on a mission.

"I nearly left SHIELD because of that," Jared soft confession made me sit up fully and look at him. "The guilt was killing me. That Phillip was the one who died and I didn't think I could live it with."

"You never told me." I didn't know what else to say. During that time was roughly when I'd joined the Air Force. Jared and I had big gaps in time where we only sent each other brief emails or texts because we were both so busy. Never once did he mention he was doing it tough at work. If anything, Jared always made it sound like his job was a breeze. That nothing ever rattled him.

"No, I didn't tell anyone until I came back here when I thought Mom wouldn't be home," Jared said with a lopsided smile. "Mom was working from home that day because she wasn't feeling well. She took one look at me and everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a mess."

I scooted over as close as I could get to Jared, wrapping him in a hug. There was so much I didn't know about his life in SHIELD.

"It was hard," Jared's voice went hoarse as he hugged me back. "It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, letting go of that guilt. People would tell me all the time it wasn't my fault. That Phillip knew what he was getting into and he wouldn't want me to live with this."

"What helped?" I asked. I knew there was no magical fix for this. Jared's answer wasn't going to make me feel better and I'd get up tomorrow and everything would be fine.

"Admitting I was struggling," Jared said with a pained sigh. "I hated it with a passion. To admit that I couldn't cope with something. I thought it was a weakness and one that would get me fired. To this day I still struggle with it but it's gotten better. I know there was absolutely nothing I could do to save him."

I blew out a long breath as I stared the TV. Jared had a point. I didn't want to admit that I was really struggling to move past this last mission. The build up of guilt of not being able to save everyone was like cancer eating away at me. The horrible finality of realising Riley was never coming back was the straw the broke the camels back that made it all come crashing down.

"This job we do it tough." Jared squeezed me gently. "We see and do horrible things so the rest of the world can sleep soundly at night. Yet we toss and turn, caught up in the nightmares that we've seen with our own eyes. It's not our ability to put it all behind us like it never happened that makes us strong. It's learning to stand up and face those demons that keep us awake at night is what makes us strong."

I'd been doing a good job avoiding my own demons. I'd avoided as much as I possibly could to do with Riley over the last year. I hadn't even been back to the apartment we shared and Jared never asked me to come over either. Maybe Jared was right, that it was time I started avoiding everything and face my demons. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do that still.

"No one is expecting a click of the fingers and you'll be fine," Jared said softly. "But you need to start talking to someone Kari. Please believe me when I say you did everything you possibly could on that mission."

"It doesn't feel like it," I admitted with my voice cracking from emotion. "It really doesn't."

Jared hugged me tightly as I started to cry again. The tears came out of nowhere and there was nothing that was stopping them.

"It doesn't now," Jared said softly, rocking me back and forth. "But to me, you're amazing and I'm proud of you. Even if you don't feel like there's anything to be proud of. No matter what, talk to me?"

I wondered if Jared was worried I was going to do something stupid like I did that night on the roof when I was standing on the ledge. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak right now. I really wished I could believe him right now. I knew what he was saying was true. I just couldn't let this go. Jared held me until I stopped crying again. My stomach growled loudly as the tears subsided. It was loud enough that Jared looked down at me.

"Pizza or pasta?"

"Pizza," I said with a sniff. I was starving. "As greasy and gross as you can make it."

"Be right back."

Jared was back in 10 minutes with an extra large meatlovers pizza and a six pack of beer. Despite my mood, his thoughtfulness made me smile.

We both stayed up until the early hours of the morning. I fell asleep halfway through Kill Bill 2 and slept like the dead until later afternoon. Jared was gone when I woke up in his bed. I felt sluggish and every small movement was exhausting. I dragged my ass into the shower and stood under the hot water for a good 20 minutes. My once again growling stomach was the only thing that forced me out of the shower and downstairs to find food.

The only noise downstairs was muffled talking in the study. The door was slightly ajar and I could see the shadows of someone moving in there. It was no surprise that Mom had decided to work from home today. I walked into the kitchen and flicked the coffee machine on. I reached up and tiredly rubbed my eyes while the machine worked its magic.

I really had no idea what to do now. My little mental breakdown at work was probably going to result in me being out of the field for the next decade. Jared was right, I really needed to start talking to someone about this. I couldn't keep carrying the weight of this guilt around. I also needed to start dealing with the fact Riley was gone and he wasn't coming back. Avoiding everything to do with him was only delaying the inevitable. Jared was right that I needed to start dealing with this. The coffee machine finished brewing and I made my coffee into the sugary hell that I liked. Mom drank her coffee similar to me except she preferred caramel in her coffee so I made her one as well. If I was going to start somewhere, talking to my Mom was probably a good start. I took both of our mugs into the study, tapping on the door with my foot.

"Come in."

I nudged the door open with my hip. Mom turned around in her chair, her face lighting up as she saw the coffee mug in my hand.

"You read my mind." Mom smiled brightly as I handed her the mug. "Work sucks today."

Mom's honest statement made my lips tug up in a semblance of a smile.

"What are you dealing with?" I asked, settling down into Dad's chair. Mom's work wasn't always exciting. Mostly she dealt with a lot of issues that could be handled by the individual departments.

"A very nasty sexual harassment case," Mom said, blowing out a frustrated breath. "The guy is a complete sleaze and I really want to punch him in the throat. But I don't have any substantial evidence to back up the claims against him. It's very frustrating."

"Natasha and I could handle it," I offered, taking a sip of coffee. "I think that might create more paperwork for you though."

"A lot more," Mom said with a laugh. "As tempted as I am to say yes, I'm not allowed to sanction hits against SHIELD staff. Even if I do have the confidence you could make it look like an accident."

This time I could smile a little bit more. I knew Mom wasn't a fan of me being in STRIKE, she'd been even less amused when she found out I was put in STRIKE Team Delta. Having her make a joke like she just did gave me a boost of much needed confidence.

"How are you feeling this morning? Well, afternoon now," Mom asked, her tone turning gentle. She reached forward and gave my knee a squeeze.

I wanted to brush Mom off with a bullshit answer. The partial lie of feeling like shit because of too much beer came to my mind. Instead, I forced the lie back and the smile dropped off my face.

"I'm not doing great."

Mom put her coffee mug down and pulled me into a hug. There were no tears this time as I let myself be wrapped up in Mom's embrace. There was no instant feeling of relief by finally admitting I wasn't coping with this. There was no feeling of defeat either like I thought there may have been. It was a strange feeling.

"You're going to get through this," Mom soothed me quietly. "It's going to be hard. Sometimes it's going to be ugly, but you will get through it. I promise."

Mom's words gave me a small bit of peace. It may have been her gently using her powers but I wasn't going to fight it for once. The never ending guilt that had been gnawing at me finally quietened down. It wasn't gone but it wasn't right there trying to rip into the open either. I let myself be held by my Mom and let the rest of the world fall away for a little bit. When I opened my eyes again, my eyes spied a folder with my name on it.

"What's that?" I asked, pulling away so I could pick it up.

"That is from Nick." Mom made no move to take it off me. "He thought you may want it after everything that's been happening."

It always took me a second to realise Mom was talking about Fury and not Nick from Bravo team. It was still weird that my parents were on the first name basis with my boss. Curious, I opened up the folder and pulled out the single piece of paper. It was a SHIELD resignation form.

"I never said I wanted to resign," I said, frowning down at the form in my hand.

"I know." Mom reached out and took it out of my hand and placed it back in the folder. She scrunched her nose up as she shut the folder with more force the necessary. The small action nearly made me smile. It was obvious Mom and Fury had words about this. "Nick told me that if you didn't want it, you could march into his office and burn it."

"Wrong child." I pointed out. I had no idea what to make of being handed a resignation form. I'd told Coulson last year I was happy in SHIELD. Even with this huge bump in the road, the thought of leaving never crossed my mind. I couldn't leave Natasha and Clint, not after everything we'd been through. I wouldn't know what to do with my life if I wasn't in SHIELD.

"Your creative, I'm sure you could find some way to do it." Mom's smile was both sad and proud. She didn't need her powers to know my mind was made up. She reached over and gave me another hug. "Did you want to use my computer to email Andrew?"

I looked at the shiny desktop computer. Mom had all of her files minimised and her background picture was all of us on our last family holiday. I'd been 18 in that photo. It was only weeks before I'd gotten into the Air Force. Jared was on a break from the Academy. It was a lifetime ago. As hard as everything was right now, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I needed to do this. I needed to get myself back on track and start moving on.

"Please." I hesitated as I looked back to Mom. "Can we arrange for that other paperwork too? The stuff from Riley's will?"

It came out a lot stronger than I was feeling. There was no point delaying the inevitable anymore. Mom's eyes filled with tears and she nodded. She reached over and gave me another hug, holding me tightly. A lump formed in my throat and a few tears started to leak from my eyes again as I hugged Mom back. This was going to be hard.

The rest of the week was a lot of emotional upheaval. To my ever lasting embarrassment, I'd cried during my video session with Andrew when I told him I wasn't coping. In his never ending patience, he calmed me down and for the first time, I talked about the guilt that was trying to suffocate me after the mission. While Andrew wasn't able to wave a magical wand and make it all better, there was a tiny bit of relief afterwards. I talked to him every day via Skype. Every time we spoke, it helped, even if it was for something so minute I didn't think it was actually a problem. I confided in Mom as well, much to her relief. It was strange being so open to everyone after closing myself off for so long. I spoke with Natasha and Clint every day and Jared hung around as much as he could as well.

I'd stayed strong throughout the signing of all the paperwork to do with Riley's life insurance and inheritance. The young intern lawyers were both incredible throughout the whole thing. They'd been the ones doing all the legwork throughout the ordeal and while the senior lawyer had won the case in court, I was sure it was their doing getting the whole thing done quickly. Matthew and Foggy, as they'd introduced themselves were branching out on their own soon. Mom was more than happy to give them her card and told them to call her once they'd gotten their own firm up and running. Matthew had been especially interesting. He was blind but seemed to move around without any assistance. There was something very calming and grounding about his presence throughout it all. This time the tears stayed at bay throughout the whole meeting. Even though I choked on my own spit when I saw the amount I was getting.

What Riley had left me meant I'd never worry about money. Ever. The seven figure sum was something I never thought I'd see in my bank account. It still didn't change the fact I'd give every cent of it up if it meant I'd have him back. I let myself wallow in the misery of it for ten minutes when I got home, the picked myself back up and kept going. Little by little I was finally putting the pieces of my life back together again. Some days were harder than others

It took three weeks before I was ready to go back to work. I went back to DC for a quiet birthday celebration for Clint and stayed. Natasha had been staying with Clint while I was away. It was a fun weekend. The weather had been warm so we went to the beach for a barbecue lunch. For the first time in months, I felt completely relaxed afterwards. Phil and his girlfriend, Audrey, had come along, as did Evans, Abby and the kids. Alexi was thrilled to see me again and hung off me like a little monkey all day long. I got home and collapsed into bed, exhausted but happy. Truly happy for the first time in weeks.

On Monday morning I was back at the Triskelion. Natasha, Clint and Jared were all following me as I marched towards my destination. I had one final thing I wanted to do before I got back to work. I was quietly shitting myself on what I was about to do. It was probably the ballsiest thing I'd ever done in my life.

"Ready for this?" Natasha looked over at me with a wide grin. Clint's grin mirrored her own. They were more excited about this than I was.

"I may need this after I'm done." I looked at the piece of paper in my hand. It was slightly smudged from my sweating palms. But I really wanted to do this.

"Trust me, he'll love it." Jared reassurance sounded more like he was daring me to do something. In a way, this was kind of a dare. Or professional suicide. But Mom did say I could do this so I would blame her if I got into trouble for it.

I stopped in front of Fury's office. The door was shut but not locked. I paused with my hand on the doorknob, gathering my courage. Before I could chicken out, I twisted the knob and pushed the door open.

I was expecting the one good eye of Director Fury to look up at me at my unannounced arrival. I was not expecting five other heads to swivel around and stare at me as I walked into the room. All the STRIKE leaders and Coulson were in the office with Fury. Every single one of them stared at me as I crossed the room and came to stand in front of Fury's desk.

"This is what I think of your resignation form." I held up the piece of paper in my hand. Pulling a lighter from my pocket, I didn't break eye contact with Fury as I lit it up. The piece of paper in my hand went up in flames a second later.

The stony expression on Fury's face didn't twitch as I dropped the burning piece of paper on the ground and stomped on it hard enough to make the flames go out. I turned on my heel and walked out of the room, pretending to be oblivious to the raised eyebrows in the room. As I turned, I snuck a glance at Evans who was trying his hardest to not laugh out loud. His face had gone red from the effort of keeping it contained. Rumlow wasn't looking entirely composed either. I wasn't game to look at Coulson for fear his glare that I knew would be coming might strike me down on the spot. I stomped from the room, slamming the door shut behind me.

It was a good thing the door was solid. I broke down into hysterical giggles as soon as it clicked shut. Jared, Natasha and Clint weren't much better. Jared was laughing so hard there were tears coming down his face.

"Let's get the fuck out of here before Coulson comes out," Clint suggested through his wheezing laughter. "We'll be dead otherwise."

On cue, the doorknob rattled as someone started to turn it. The four of us bolted down the hallway without looking back. The fear of being caught did nothing to mute our laughter. If anything, we all laughed even harder as we ran to safety.

Thing's weren't fixed or even close to being perfect. Moments like this made me really feel like I'd found my place in the world though.

Authors Note

So this chapter gave me a fair bit of worry about posting it. I don't know what it was about it but I hope everyone enjoyed it.

By now, I'm guessing a lot of people have seen Infinity War. For once, I'm still staring at the ending of Infinity War and going "yeah I have no idea how I'm going to work that into the story." I promised myself I'd stop after Age of Ultron, then it was Civil War. Now I have no idea where I'll stop. I guess everything hinges on the next Avengers movie next year.

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Thank you to everyone for their support. I love getting the reviews and people favourting the story. I do realise it's a long story and gets slow in places. I do promise there's a reason behind a lot of the stuff that gets put in and it is there for a reason. A lot of it will come to fruition in the Winter Solider storyline.

Until next time.