I inhaled the rich scent of coffee before taking a sip. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon now, bathing the neighbourhood in a warm glow. I'd woken up about 20 minutes ago, drenched in sweat and shaking from the nightmare. It wasn't anything new, the same old nightmare I had lately of falling in the Quinjet. I wearily rubbed my face. I'd only been asleep for a few hours before the nightmare had startled me awake.

I'd landed at Langley Base and Sharpe had been kind enough to drop me at Gareth's apartment. I knew where Gareth's spare keys were so it wasn't a problem to get into his apartment. Ignoring my own jet lag, I got a few things ready for Gareth's arrival. By the time I was done with that, Sharpe let me know they were going to be landing early. The look Gareth's face when he came out and saw me waiting for him made all my worries disappear. Especially when he grabbed me and kissed me in front of everyone who'd been waiting. We'd come back to his apartment, grabbed takeaway on the way and Gareth had fallen asleep on the couch while eating. I'd managed to wake him up and get him to bed. By that stage, I was too exhausted to do more than fall into bed beside him. The nightmare of the Quinjet crashing had jolted me awake only a few hours later. I tried to go back to sleep but I had the dizzying feeling of falling every time I closed my eyes. I'd been tossing and turning for a few hours before I decided to get out of bed.

Not to mention my anger at Natasha and Jared had cooled. Now I was hurt. I'd never had a friend like her and the lying to my face had been such a betrayal. I wanted to know why she did it. But I also didn't want to speak to her at all right now. Or Jared. I couldn't trust myself not to scream at both of them and then burst into tears because of how damn shitty I felt.

"Hey, whatcha doing out here?" Gareth's soft voice interrupted my daydreaming.

I craned my head to look around at him. I was sitting on the balcony off his living room enjoying the cool dawn air. It was going to be a scorcher of a day. Gareth was leaning against the door, dressed in nothing but his boxers. It was a very nice sight.

"I couldn't sleep," I said honestly. "I didn't want to disturb you."

Gareth was a light sleeper. I'd woken him up most times I'd had nightmares when he stayed over. He never pried about them. Thankfully they were few and far between. I was surprised I managed to make it out of bed without waking him. Even now he still looked tired after his 23 hour flight home.

"You didn't." Gareth came out and took the seat beside me. "I rolled over to shamelessly grope your ass and you weren't there."

My smile didn't quite reach my eyes. Gareth noticed it right away. He reached over and laced his fingers through mine.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, it was only a stupid dream." I shook my head. "One that makes me keep harassing my Dad about making the Quinjet have ejection seats."

Gareth's fingers tightened around mine. His gaze was full of sympathy as he looked over at me. As a fighter pilot, you were trained in what to do in those kinds of situations. You always hoped you'd never get into that situation in the first place. Ejecting was a bit like playing Russian Roulette. You weren't guaranteed to always walk away from it.

"How was your mission?" Gareth changed the subject. "You're in one piece so that's a good thing."

This time my smile was softer. At least that was true. Besides the complete fuck up at the end with Natasha and Jared, it wasn't a horrible mission. We'd actually done a little bit of good in the world.

"It was a much needed boring mission where we actually did some good in the world," I said, squeezing Gareth's fingers a little tighter. "I had about five seconds of excitement and the rest of the time I was bored and wet."

"Then why do you look sad?" Gareth gently pried again.

"I had a fight with Natasha." Saying it out loud made me feel even more miserable. "I've never had a fight with Natasha before. Hell, I've never had a close friend like her to even fight with so I don't know what to say or do."

I took in a deep breath after my verbal diarrhoea. I hadn't meant for it all to come spilling out like that.

"What about?" Gareth was unflappable as ever. He squeezed my hand as he looked over at me. I'd already said this much, I couldn't stop now.

"She's been fucking Jared," I said with a sigh. "And lied about it to me about it. Barton as well. He had no idea and they've been friends for a very long time."

"Ouch." Gareth visibly cringed. "That's not what I was expecting. I was kind of hoping for she borrowed and trashed your favourite shoes."

"You and me both." My lips quirked up a little at Gareth's attempt at humour. "We don't fight. The closest we come to it is when she's being bossy and I roll my eyes at her. I don't know what to say or do, to be honest."

"It's a tough one." Gareth blew out a breath. "There's no easy answer her. Are you mad at her for lying or sleeping with your brother?"

"Lying," I said instantly. "I'm mildly disgusted that she slept with Jared because he's such a slut."

There was so much more to this with how Natasha was raised. Though she did a marvellous job of hiding it, social norms weren't her strong suit. She could act her way through anything. But it was clear at Christmas about her freak out about Sam buying her a present that certain things got lost of her. I wouldn't be surprised if this was one of those things. Now I thought about it, there was a nagging voice in my head telling me there was so much more to this than I first thought.

"When I went to marriage counselling with my ex, the only thing I got out of it was that no matter how hard the subject was, you needed to talk through it," Gareth said gently. "Obviously, it didn't work out for us. But you and Natasha are more than just friends. You're more like sisters. You can work through this."

"I hope so," I said, feeling defeated. "I'm so angry and hurt over it."

"You're allowed to be angry and hurt," Gareth's words soothed my frazzled nerves. "You still need to talk to her about it though. Get the truth from her about why she did it. That way you aren't going over scenarios in your head a million times and making things worse."

Gareth was right. I kind of hated that he was right. I was doing exactly what he'd said, sitting here with a million and one scenarios running through my head on how this was all going to go. I was going to have to suck up my pride and try and talk this through with Natasha. No matter how hurt I was, ignoring this wasn't going to make it go away.

"Can I ask you a kind of personal question?" A thought popped into my head. I needed a subject change so I wouldn't go crazy.

"I think we're beyond the stage of needing to ask that." Gareth looked over at me with a small chuckle. "But ask away."

I wrinkled my nose at him. It was a bit of a stupid question on my behalf, but I was curious now.

"What happened with your marriage?"

My question surprised Gareth. He looked over at me with both eyebrows raised. I guess he was expecting something entirely different. It took him a few moments before he spoke.

"When we got together, we both had gotten out of long term relationships with messy breakups." Despite his pause, Gareth wasn't hesitating. "Things got serious quickly because neither of us wanted to be alone. When we moved in together, things started to become pretty clear that we weren't really compatible."

Gareth paused, rubbing his face looking tired.

"But I pushed. I hoped I could change things and I really wanted to make it work. Looking back now I did all the things I shouldn't have. Like when things were starting to fall apart, I proposed. After we got married and things started really going to shit, I suggested we have a baby." Gareth looked over at me and gave a sheepish shrug. "It was dumb now I look back at it. But I did genuinely love the idea of us and her. It just didn't work because she's a psychopathic hell beast."

I had gone to take a sip of coffee when he said the last part. I'm glad the liquid never actually touched my lips because Gareth would have gotten a coffee shower. I laughed hard at his honest statement. I didn't remember much of his wife, but there was one incident where they had quite the argument at a Squadron function one night. I thought back then she acted like a spoiled child and needed a good slap. My sentiments probably weren't helped by the fact Gareth's ex-wife was always a bitch to me.

"Is it my turn to ask you a personal question now?" Gareth asked with a cheeky smile.

"Sure."

Judging by the playful look on Gareth's face, my guess was his question would be something that would end up with us having sex on the balcony.

"Why did you never tell anyone Ruddner and Fitzgerald were bothering you?" The playful look on Gareth's face was gone as quickly as it came on. His question made me raise both of my eyebrows in surprise.

Ruddner and Fitzgerald. I hadn't thought of those names in a long time now. The two idiots who drugged me in the bar the night I lost control of my powers while still in the Air Force. Back then, I thought they'd ruined my life. Now, I could almost thank them for turning my entire life around for the better. The usual line of they weren't bothering me nearly came out of my mouth. This exact question had come up in one of my sessions with Andrew and it had made me realise there was more to it.

"I didn't want to be the typical whining female in an all male environment." I went for the truth instead of brushing it off. "What they were saying wasn't anything deep or hurtful. Considering the snide comment Fitzgerald made when he saw me dressed for a night out after work one Friday, I didn't think I was even on their radar in that sense."

I'd been going on a date that night and our after flight brief had run over time. I'd taken a change of clothes for the date and gotten ready at work. I'd come out of the ladies bathroom with my hair and make up done and I'd run into Fitzgerald on my way to the car. Fitzgerald made a snide remark about putting lipstick on a pig doesn't make it any more attractive, or something along those lines. I didn't remember the exact remark. It had stung at the time, but I brushed it off. Like I did with all of his hateful comments.

"Why do you ask?" I added after Gareth didn't reply right away. He was sitting in his chair with a small thoughtful frown.

"We were talking about you on the way back," Gareth said, turning his body so he was facing me properly. "Well, it started with talking about our plans when we got back and when I mentioned I was going to your place for a few days, the conversation made a turn."

"Did it take a turn into my bedroom habits?" I said jokingly. I knew Gareth wasn't the type to brag so I was only teasing him. He pulled a disgusted face as my tease.

"I'd like to keep my balls, thank you very much," Gareth said dryly. "It was more of a conversation about how you were lucky that things turned out all right after that night. I don't think I ever told you, but I saw Ruddner grab you. I'd just moved to intervene when you lost control."

"It was probably a good thing you didn't get any closer." I had to cover my surprise. I didn't think anyone had noticed it happening. "I had no control at all. Truthfully, I barely remember doing it because I was feeling so sick. The doctor at SHIELD told me I was lucky they didn't give me a bigger dose. As it was, they apparently gave me enough to knock down someone twice my size."

Gareth looked vaguely sick himself at the memory of it all. I'd done a good job of burying the horror of that night into a deep dark pit that I rarely went near. A lot of it was a hazy memory these days.

"I know it's a bit late now, but I'm sorry that you had to go through that," Gareth said softly. "Someone should have picked up on it. Sharpe was devastated that it happened and horrified that no one picked up on any of the signs."

"It's never too late for a sorry." I smiled and reached over, taking Gareth's hand. "Don't feel bad. I didn't even realise it was happening until it did. What happened afterwards?"

"We all got confined to base that night." Gareth relaxed, returning my smile. "Which made my ex-wife so angry I was very glad to be staying on base that night."

I couldn't stop my snort of laughter. I knew I shouldn't laugh at Gareth's ex-wife being a bitch, but it was kind of funny.

"Then Coulson came and debriefed all of us the next day. We were told it was a matter of security and everything to do with the incident would be wiped." Gareth absently ran his thumb over my hand. "That if we spoke of it to anyone else, we'd find ourselves in an unpleasant situation with SHIELD. We'd all be monitored and all that shit. No one really cared about that. Everyone just wanted to know if you were all right and what would happen with you."

I was touched that the guys actually cared about me that much. At the time, I thought I was only invited to things out of sheer politeness. Now I was beginning to think I was invited so the guys could make me feel included. It was my own shyness back then holding me back from everything.

"It's kind of funny seeing the difference in you now actually." Gareth broke through my internal musing. "You're a completely different person."

"I finally found my confidence," I admitted with a small laugh. "Somewhere along the lines of working with the two deadliest assassins in the world, I seemed to have found the true me. It might have taken Natasha beating it out of me to happen, but I'm happy."

Even amongst all the bad shit that had happened, I truly was happy. Thinking of Natasha's friendship made my heart sink again. I was a bitch to her before we got on the Quinjet. I should have at least heard her out.

"All the more reason for you to talk it out with Natasha," Gareth's words echoed my train of thought. "Should we have breakfast and then head up to DC?"

"Sure."

My coffee was cold now. But the cold coffee was worth having my mind be put somewhat at ease. Natasha was right about one thing, Gareth was good for me. He was a steady little rock in my otherwise crazy life. Not for the first time did I wonder, if neither of us were nursing still broken hearts, how things might have been different for us.

Gareth squeezed my hand before stiffly climbing to his feet. I wasn't much better as I stood up either. My back still ached some days and sitting in the one position for eight hour shifts while in Thailand hadn't done it any favours. I stepped across and pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you for listening," I murmured into Gareth's shoulder. "I got frozen crepes, Nutella and bananas for breakfast."

"Thank you for picking me up." Gareth pressed a kiss onto the side of my head. "It was the best surprise I've had in a long time. You like to ruin my diet, don't you?"

"I can think of ways you can burn those crepes off." I laughed, enjoying Gareth's firm embrace. "Let's go."

The blast of air conditioning as I walked inside gave me goosebumps. I was only wearing one of Gareth's shirts and underwear. I didn't miss that Gareth lingered behind me by a step. I wiggled my ass more than necessary as we went into the kitchen. I went for the top cupboard to get another mug down for Gareth. I felt him come up behind up me, his hands sliding around the patch of bare skin on my stomach where the shirt had ridden up.

"Tell me." Gareth breathed against my neck, ghosting a kiss along the sensitive skin there. "All the ways you can think of burning those crepes off?"

"Hmm, I don't know," I said casually, fighting back a smile. "Go for a run, lift some weights, maybe…"

My voice hitched as Gareth's hand wandered into my underwear. He bit my neck hard enough that it would leave a mark and his fingers trailed downwards. His hand suddenly stopped as he ventured into my underwear. I hid a pleased smirk at his obvious stutter.

"Maybe inspect the waxing job I got done for you yesterday." I managed to keep my wits about me while Gareth's fingers continued their trail.

"I'll make sure I inspect it thoroughly," Gareth said with a breathless chuckle, his fingers continuing their downward trail. "Turn around."

As I turned around, Gareth grabbed my hips and easily lifted me up onto the bench. I couldn't stop my small squeak of surprise at how easily he lifted me. Gareth tugged on my underwear and I quickly lifted my hips so he could pull them off. Before he could do anything else, I wrapped one arm around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. My legs wrapped around his waist as Gareth's lips pressed against mine, his tongue teasing me.

"Let me see this waxing job of yours." Gareth grinned against my lips.

Before I could say anything else, he knelt down and put my leg over his shoulder. His breath ghosted along my thigh. I shivered, feeling goosebumps rise as Gareth's breath tickled my bare skin. My ass slid forward as Gareth's mouth came down on me. His tongue teasingly ran up and down and there was no stopping my breathy moan of delight.

"You should do this more often," Gareth chuckled against my skin. "I like this."

Any smart ass answer died on my lips as Gareth's mouth went back to doing what he was very good at. After a few days of no privacy on the mission, he had me a gasping mess within a minute. My brain went out the window as his tongue and fingers teased me into an intense orgasm. When I came down from my high, Gareth was still between my thighs looking up at me. The smug male pride was clear in his expression.

"I had no privacy over the last few days," I said, still breathless. I lent back against the cupboard, my ass sliding forward. It was only then that I realised I had one hand tangled through Gareth's hair. "Barton is a shit roommate. Get your ass up here and fuck me up against the bench."

"So bossy," Gareth said with a tsk. There was no wiping the smug look off his face. "I suppose I can indulge you."

The kitchen bench was the perfect height. All Gareth had to do was stand up and pull me forward. I wrapped my legs around his waist to support myself as he pushed into me. My fingers dug into Gareth's back, hard enough he'd have bruises later. Gareth wasn't in a teasing mood today, the pace he set was hard and fast. I pulled him in close to kiss him as he fucked me hard.

"If I last three seconds, I blame it on you being so fucking sexy," Gareth murmured against my lips as he kissed me back.

I barely had the breath to laugh at his remark. At the angle he was fucking me and still being sensitive from the earlier orgasm, I was well on my way to having another one. Gareth shifted his angle which started sending everything into overdrive again. I was nearly there when Gareth shuddered against me, his hips jerking erratically as he came. Before I could protest, Gareth reached down between us and pressed his fingers against me. His fingers hit the right spot and I was only seconds after Gareth finished cumming.

Both of us took a good minute to catch our breath. Gareth was resting his forehead against mine, breathing like he'd run a marathon. I wasn't much better. I was covered in sweat and I could feel my heart hammering.

"I blame you for my short performance," Gareth said with a breathless laugh.

"I know, I'm too sexy for my own good," I laughed with him.

A noise coming from his door caught both of our attention before Gareth could reply. Before either of us could react, his front door swung open.

"Fuck."

Gareth and I cursed at the same time. He nearly dropped me in our haste to untangled ourselves. I ducked to the ground to grab my discarded underwear. Gareth was fumbled to get his own boxers up from around his ankles.

"Oh, Gareth I'm so sorry!"

"Give us a minute." Gareth's face was bright red. He mouthed an apology to me as he straightened up. Thankfully whoever it was got the idea we needed a few seconds of privacy. The front door slammed shut as we both got up from the kitchen floor.

"That was my Mom," Gareth said with a visible grimace. I'd never seen him look so embarrassed before. "I had no idea she was coming. I'm so sorry."

I had to laugh. There was nothing else to do in this situation.

"Do you want to let her know it's safe to come in and I'll go have a quick shower?" I suggested. "I don't really want to meet your parents with this thoroughly fucked look."

Well, meet them again. I'd seen Gareth's parents before at Air Shows. They were very proud of their middle son being a fighter pilot.

"Sure." Gareth looked over at me with a grin. I must have been doing wonders for his ego this morning. "I'll join you in a minute."

I took that as my cue to make a bolt for it. I was back to the bedroom and closing the door to the ensuite as I heard muffled voices as Gareth let his parents in. I quickly got in the shower and washed away the sweat of the morning sex. True to his word, Gareth joined me in less than a minute.

"Keep your hands to yourself," Gareth warned me playfully as he stepped into the shower.

"You too," I said with a grin as I handed him the soap. "Unless you want to lather me up. Make sure I'm clean."

"Stop it," Gareth said with a small laugh. "Can I ask a huge favour?"

"After those two orgasms this morning, you can have two favours," I replied cheekily. Gareth looked slightly nervous about whatever he was going to ask. At my smart ass reply, he relaxed a little.

"I kind of," Gareth started, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "I told my parents we were dating. My Mom is religious and very old fashioned. Dad is too. I didn't want to get the whole disapproving lectures from them if I said we were just fucking. Do you mind playing along with it?"

"Of course I will." I wrapped my arms around Gareth's neck, pulling him in for a brief kiss. "You put up with a lot of shit from me. It's the least I can do."

Considering Gareth barely blinked about me bleeding all over the floor in front of him and apparently having a freak out before my sedation kicked in, pretending to be his girlfriend was the least I could do.

"You're the best." Gareth hugged me back. "I'm sorry to spring this on you."

"Don't be sorry." I hugged Gareth a little tighter. I felt bad for him that he had to lie about this to his parents. At least my parents did their disapproving in silence. If there was any disapprovement at all. Mom liked Gareth, something she voiced to me a few times now. "Come on, let's not keep your parents waiting. They're probably dying to see you and interrogate me."

Despite the awkwardness at first, Gareth's parents were both lovely. They had decided to do a road trip and wanted to surprise Gareth along the way. His Mom, Tina made a fuss over both of us. Our plans to drive up to DC that morning went out the window as we went out to lunch. Lunch turned into Tina cooking dinner and we didn't end up leaving until late the next morning. Despite me telling Gareth to hang around for a while longer with his parents, he was determined to come back home with me.

The only advantage of driving back to DC mid week was we missed most of the terrible traffic. It was mid afternoon by the time we pulled into the garage of my apartment building. Gareth went to pull into the visitor parking spot but it was already taken by an unmistakable black Corvette. Natasha's car. I stared at the sleek sports car feeling wildly conflicted. I knew I had to talk to her. I was hoping to put it off for a few more hours at least.

"If that's who's car I think it is, do you want me to keep driving?" Gareth asked, breaking me from staring at the shiny Corvette.

"No." I blew out a breath. Butterflies started tap dancing in my stomach. "I need to talk to her. Putting it off isn't going to make this any easier."

I really didn't want to do this now though. Despite my words, I wasn't feeling brave at all. I'd rather face Yelena in Pripyat all over again than talk to Natasha right now.

"You'll be fine." Gareth reached over and took my hand, gently squeezing it. "You guys can work through this."

I gave Gareth a wavering smile. Despite his reassurance, I wasn't feeling confident at all. Dragging my ass wasn't going to help me so I forced myself out of the car.

"I'll go find a park on the street and bring our stuff up." Gareth wasn't letting me procrastinate. As soon as I shut the door, he was pulling the car away from me.

I took in a deep breath as I started to head to the elevator. When I was tired, the elevator trip up five floors always felt like it took an eternity. Today, it felt like I had only blinked and I was on my floor. Those few steps to the door were far too short and before I knew it, I was twisting the doorknob open.

"Honey, I'm home." The usual declaration left my mouth before I could stop it. I had no idea who'd started that, but we all did it when we arrived at each other's places.

Clint was leaning against the kitchen island, arms crossed. It wasn't hard to tell what I'd just walked into. Clint's face was an unreadable mask. Natasha was looking the most uncomfortable I had ever seen her. She was standing against the back of the couch, one of her long curls twirled in her finger. Her nervous habit. Both of them looked up at my arrival. Clint looked mildly relieved at my presence. Natasha had gone rigid as she looked over at me.

"Is Gareth here?" Clint asked, pushing himself off the kitchen island. At my nod, he was heading for the door. "I'll go help him get the shit out of the car."

The room was silent except for the front door closing. Natasha and I stood there looking at each other, neither of us making the first move. It was so odd seeing Natasha unsure of herself. This was the Natasha who encouraged me to do crazy shit on a daily basis. She was a huge reason why I was the strong, capable person I was today. I owed her a lot.

The silence was unbearable. I walked to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of scotch from the cupboard. After a second of hesitation, I got the bottle of vodka off the shelf as well. Natasha didn't move from her spot as I poured us both a drink.

"It's 5pm somewhere in the world." My voice came out gruffer than I intended as I slid the glass towards her.

Natasha arched an eyebrow at the offered glass. There was no hesitation in her movement as she came forward and snatched the glass up. The vodka was gone in one quick swig. I turned and picked the bottle of vodka up and pushed it in her direction. I had a feeling we'd both be a lot less sober by the time this conversation was done.

"I have no idea what to say to fix this." Natasha broke the silence first as she poured herself another glass. She kept her eyes firmly fixed on her glass. "I know I fucked up. Badly. I dug myself into a hole with this lie. I knew it was bad when even Coulson was surprised when I told him."

For Coulson not to have picked up on this was impressive on Natasha and Jared's behalf. Out of everyone, I thought Coulson would have been the one to notice something like this going on.

"This is the first time I'm not proud of how well I can manipulate and lie to people," Natasha said softly. "I've hurt the only people I care about in this world. For that, I am really, really sorry."

"Sorry is a good start." I wanted to stay angry. I really wanted to let this fester and scream at Natasha. But my heart broke a little at seeing how deeply this was affecting her. Emotions and social norms were Natasha's weak points. There was so much more to this that I could ever think. "Why did you do it?"

That was one thing I had to know.

"Which part? Sleeping with Jared or lie about it?" Natasha visibly sagged in relief. I had a feeling Clint hadn't been as easy as I was.

"Lying about it." I took a big swig of my own scotch. I was going to need it. "As disgusted as I am about my brother's sex life, I can see why the temptation is there."

There was no denying Jared was good looking. With those good looks, he'd always been charming. I'm pretty sure he could charm the pants off nearly anyone. The fact he'd gotten into Natasha's pants and lived to tell the tale was an incredible feat on his behalf.

"Because there's a river in Egypt that I'm very good at padding in when it comes to Jared." Natasha looked away from me. "The lie is easier to tell when you don't want to believe it yourself."

There it was. The missing piece of the puzzle to all of this.

"Jared and I are very good at hurting each other's feelings." Natasha paused to take another sip of vodka. "It's a never ending cycle. One of us gets feelings for the other one, the other person freaks out and we swear off each other. Then for some stupid fucking reason, we both keep ending up back together."

I had a good idea of why they did it. That was a path I wasn't going to thread down. I may be obtuse about a lot of things, but I could see this very clearly now it was all out in the open.

"Did you fuck Sam to make Jared jealous?" Now I knew about this, little things were starting to fall into place. I never, ever thought Natasha would go for another STRIKE member. I was very surprised when Sam had staggered out of Jared's room hideously hungover that morning so long ago.

"Yeah and he went after Yelena because of it," Natasha said sadly. "I will never forgive myself for that. It's why he ended up back at my place in LA that night. I don't…."

Natasha trailed off, taking in a deep breath as she closed her eyes. I waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. I wasn't quite ready to comfort her yet. I wasn't far away from pulling her into a hug either.

"I don't know how to fix things normally," Natasha continued with a helpless shrug. "I was taught to use my body as a weapon, to use sex as a way to make things work my way. So in my own way, I was trying to fix things between us by sleeping with him."

"And Jared took it the wrong way." I could fill in the blanks well enough. Jared would have thought Natasha was trying to fix things between them. Instead, he would have gotten his feelings very hurt when he found out it was nothing more than a pity fuck. The vicious circle would have gone round and round.

"I broke things off with Sam just before we went to Thailand." Natasha looked away from me again. "Sam told me he loved me when he'd been drinking and I panicked. I told Sam everything was over between us. Then the mission went the way it did, I had all the bad memories dragged up. I didn't know what else to do except to try and distract myself."

Natasha reached up to rub her face. If she was anyone else, there'd be tears now. But this was Natasha. No matter who she was with, there'd always be that little bit of the Black Widow coming out in her persona. This time, I couldn't help myself. I stepped forward and hugged her. Natasha stiffened in my arms for a few seconds before relaxing and returning the hug. What a fucking mess this all was. It was only a matter of time before the whole situation with Sam blew up. I wasn't looking forward to the fallout of that. But right now, I was glad we were chipping away at this.

"I'm sorry." Natasha's voice was muffled against my chest. "I'm a shitty friend. I wanted to tell you so many times but I could never think of how to say it. Same with Clint. I didn't want to lose the only friends I had because of how fucked up I am."

"You're a shitty friend but I still love you." I forced away the lump in my throat that appeared from nowhere. I didn't have it in me to carry a grudge against anyone. Let alone the first close friend I'd ever had in my life. "You and Jared need to sort your shit out though. Otherwise, I'll have to kill both of you and then I'll only have Barton to help me dispose of the bodies."

Natasha laughed weakly. There was something that sounded suspiciously like a sniff, but when Natasha pulled back, there was no trace of a tear or even a stuffy nose. I envied her like that. At the first sign of a tear, my nose would go bright red.

"I've made such a mess," Natasha said with a sigh. "I know this doesn't magically fix everything."

"No, but it's a good start." This was going to be rocky grounds for a while. At least I had my explanation now. "What happened after you and Jared left the bedroom in Thailand?"

"The same thing it always does." Natasha's face fell again. "We scream at each other, tell the same lie. That this is all over and don't ever fucking touch me again. But I think this time it might be true."

I doubted that very much. I never pried into Jared's relationships or who he was sleeping with. But the fact he kept going back to Natasha spoke volumes to me. Jared never kept girls around. With the exception of one girlfriend back in high school, he'd never had a serious enough girlfriend to ever bring home. The nagging suspicion from earlier was starting to be a lot louder now. I shoved it to the back of my mind. I didn't want to add to the mess of this.

"You two will work through this." I gave Natasha a tentative smile. "Maybe this time without the screaming or ripping each other clothes off. I love you both but I don't need those kinds of mental images."

"Funny," Natasha said, wrinkling her nose at me. She looked down into her near empty glass, swirling the contents around. "Barton is fucking furious with me."

"I figured that." I cringed on Natasha's behalf. I thought we always told each other everything. Clint would have felt horrifically betrayed by this. "What did he say?"

"Not much at all." Natasha drank the last of her vodka in one gulp. "Which is worse than him yelling at me."

"He'll come around, give it time."

It may take a lot longer than me for Clint to come around. This was going to make everything awkward. We were such a huge part of each other's lives. Coulson often joked the three of us were connected at the hip. He wasn't wrong. Especially with Clint living with me, Natasha would spend most nights over here for dinner.

"In the meantime." I knew what I needed to do now. I wasn't looking forward to it. "I'm going to find an expensive bottle of scotch and talk to my brother."

Now Natasha was out of the way, there was no point procrastinating about talking to Jared. I had a nagging suspicion that Jared wasn't going to be anywhere near as easy as Natasha. Even with some really good scotch.

"Good luck." Natasha gave me a lopsided smile. "I'm going to go home and wallow in my bottle of vodka."

My usual automatic response of telling Natasha just to stay if she'd been drinking nearly came out. I forced it back and returned the smile, mine just as unsure. I doubted she would have agreed to it if things were strained between her and Clint anyway.

"I'll text you when I work it out." I didn't know what else to say or do right now. I don't think I'd ever felt this awkward with Natasha before. Not even when I first met her.

Natasha put her glass down and went to the door before it got really awkward. The front door opened and closed again quietly as I turned to the alcohol cupboard. Like fate was on my side for once, there was a bottle of red wine on the shelf right in front of my face. While I couldn't understand Jared's taste in red wine, I knew this was the right choice. Before I lost my momentum, I grabbed the keys for the BMW and headed out the door. I sent a text to Gareth and Clint letting them know I would be back later. Gareth and Clint seemed to get along well. No doubt I'd come home and they'd both be on the Xbox we'd acquired from somewhere. The Xbox had appeared around the same time as the one in the STRIKE rec room had gone missing.

Natasha's Corvette was pulling out of the garage as I stepped out of the elevator. Gareth's car was still nowhere to be seen. I had little doubt that he and Clint would have found an excuse to go somewhere that was a fair drive so they didn't have to deal with the fireworks between me and Natasha. Before I could really think about what I was doing, I was heading out of the garage and towards the old apartment me and Riley shared. It wasn't until I pulled up on the street in front of it that it hit me.

Nothing had changed. It was still the same nice looking building like it was a year ago when I last saw it. The same well kept patch of garden was looking a little brown in the hot weather we'd been having. It was another reminder that the world kept on spinning around me even when my entire world changed.

I took in a deep breath and pushed open the car door. Nothing was going to change that Riley was still gone. I was only delaying the inevitable by not coming back here. Jaw set, I picked up the bottle of wine and went to the front door. The keys were still on the BMW keyring and I stepped into the cool air conditioning of the entrance. My feet went on autopilot as I went to the stairs, taking them two at a time until I reached the sixth level. Like the outside, nothing had changed on the inside. My heart began to beat faster as I walked to the familiar door. One I used to call home.

Habit made me reach for my keys. I stopped myself before I put them in the lock. Instead, I knocked. There was every chance Jared wasn't here. But this was his place now, I wasn't about to let myself in uninvited.

To my surprise, the door swung open a few seconds later. Jared stood in the doorway, his eyebrows raised as looked at me. His phone was tucked up between his shoulder and ear. Silently, I raised the bottle of red wine.

The few moments it took for Jared to open the door wide enough to let me in felt like an eternity. He could have easily slammed the door in my face. I suppose the promise of a ridiculously priced bottle of red wine was bribery enough.

I silently stepped into the apartment as Jared spoke in some language I couldn't understand on the phone. I'd half expected Jared to move everything around. But it was the same as the outside of the apartment building. Not much had changed. The personal things of Riley's were all gone, but the furniture was in the same place. I looked around, a lump forming in my throat. There were so many happy memories of this apartment. Lazy nights on the couch, days where me and Riley couldn't keep our hands off each other, early mornings with coffee brewing and both of us doing little more than grunting in greeting. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and moved forward into the apartment. I stood by the couch feeling awkward and out of place for the second time today.

Jared was rolling his eyes at whoever was on the other end of the phone. Whatever the other person had said, they got a very snappy sounding reply from Jared. He hung up as soon as he finished the sentence.

"So, you haven't punched me in the head and have my favourite red wine." Jared looked at me suspiciously. He wasn't wasting any time in starting his own interrogation. "Either the wine is poisoned or you have something very elaborate planned for my death."

Though his words were smart, I could practically feel the sadness rolling off him. I did have a brief thought about throwing the wine bottle at his head on the drive over here. Instead, I crossed the room and wrapped Jared up in a hug. He didn't need harsh words right now. He needed my support. No matter what he'd done, he was still my brother. Judging by how things were going, he was currently nursing a broken heart. I knew what one of those felt like. Harsh words weren't going to be any use to him.

"You two are idiots," I murmured into Jared's shirt. "I want to smack both of you for being so stupid."

"I probably deserve a smack or two," Jared said dryly, hugging me back. "I really fucked things up this time."

There was so much regret laced in those last few words. I may be obtuse to a lot of things. But now this was out in the open, even I could see there was a lot more to this than both Jared and Natasha were ever going to admit. They were both paddling very hard in that river in Egypt.

"Get me a real drink and we can talk about how much you both fucked up." I gave Jared a squeeze before letting him go. "As much as I love you, there is no way in hell I'm drinking that shit."

I may not be able to fix all of this with a click of my fingers. The least I could do is be supportive to two of the most important people in my life. Even if the two of them needed a good smack upside the head.

Authors Note

Here it is at last! I'm so sorry for the delay. Life and this chapter weren't cooperating with me wanting writing time this last month and a half. But it's here. Another chapter of Shatter Me should be out...sometime sooner rather than later. I'm not going to make any promises. I am back to commuting to Uni and generally write during that so hopefully, I'll be able to get a bit more done.

I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. I hope it's been worth the wait to get something out again!

Until next time.