"You do know, I am not a fucking show pony to perform tricks."

Beside me, Natasha sighed in aggravation. It was the fifth time we had all heard that from Clint this morning. I was tired, sore and not in the mood for Clint's shitty mood. It was kind of unfair considering he'd been putting up with mine since the last mission. We were struggling together but this morning I was running out of patience with him.

"Barton, you aren't even a trained monkey," Coulson replied with his never ending patience. "The least I could hope for is you not shooting anyone important."

That pulled my lips up in a ghost of a smile. Beside me, Natasha snorted in amusement. Coulson glanced back in the rearview mirror, the humour clear on his face. He looked pleased with his remark. It had only made Clint grumble even more.

"We are a high classified paramilitary unit and because a bunch of politicians, one who's friends with Malick, wants to see how efficiently we kill people, we have to bow to their wishes?"

Apparently, Clint wasn't done. I had to agree with him though. I wasn't looking forward to this. STRIKE was putting on a demonstration for a lot of high end politicians today. Normally we were kept out of these things. But Malick had insisted. It made things even worse than Ben and his boss would be here today.

It had been nearly a month since the last mission. I'd spent the majority of it at home with my parents. Clint had joined me. The nightmares were horrendous this time around. They were always bad enough at this time of the year with Riley's anniversary looming ahead. I hadn't had a decent night sleep in a long time. The only thing that had kept me together was Mom's steady reassurance and having Clint with me. His nightmares were as bad as mine and we had ended up sharing a bed most nights. It hadn't helped with the nightmares but having someone there who knew exactly what was going through my head when I woke up in a cold sweat helped. A lot. Ben hadn't been quite so understanding when he found out Clint was staying with me.

We had an argument via text last night when I hadn't wanted to come out as soon as I got home. Ben didn't understand why I didn't want to see him or have him over. I'd made a compromise that I'd go out with him and some of his friends tonight. I wasn't looking forward to it. I'd missed Valentines Day with him. Clint and I had gone to a movie instead which hadn't helped in the slightest. Gareth had sent me a huge cookie bouquet and in return, I'd kicked Clint out of my room for an hour and rung Gareth up to thank him properly with some much missed phone sex. I felt guilty afterwards, especially when Ben had tried to call me during the time I was on the phone with Gareth. But Ben and I weren't officially dating so I pushed the guilt aside. I had enough of that eating at me as it was.

Natasha nudged me with her leg breaking me from my thoughts. I looked over at her and she had something typed out on her phone.

I'll hold him down and you punch.

That got a more genuine smile out of me. Natasha and Jared had both been back and forth as much as they could. They had been on a mission together to try and track down the one missing piece of Destroyer tech that wasn't on our mission. So far it hadn't been going well. Natasha had to come for today and Jared was trying to get some information out of some old contacts.

"What are you two laughing about back there?" Coulson spoke over Clint's continued complaining. Coulson looked relieved to have a distraction.

"I'm going to hold down Barton and Kari is going to punch," Natasha didn't shy away from answering.

"Considering I had to braid Kari's hair this morning, I would like to see her try." Clint turned around to scowl at both of us.

Natasha kicked the back of Clint's chair for me. I thought having a fractured sternum would be like fractured ribs. After two weeks most of the pain is gone. I was still extremely uncomfortable any time I had to bend or raise my arms above chest height. Once we knew this day was happening, Dad tinkered with a cushion I could lay on comfortable while shooting at the moment. I'd taken half a drug cabinet full of painkillers this morning to be able to get through this. I was really glad all I had to do was show off my shooting and nothing else.

"I've had to pull down your pants and help you with bodily functions before," Coulson instantly scolded Clint. "Behave yourself and I'll buy dinner this week."

That mollified Clint into a sulky silence. He was leaning back in the passenger chair, arms crossed and brooding. This was the worst I had seen him since the mission. He'd been pretty pissy since we'd gotten home last night. I'd gone to bed early because I didn't want to deal with his mood and the argument between me and Ben. I'd only been asleep an hour before a nightmare woke up me and I'd padded into his room. Clint hadn't said anything except lifted the blanket so I could climb in beside him. I slept through until my alarm went off this morning which had only made me feel the sleep deprivation of the last month even more.

We weren't too far from the range so his sulking was short lived. We right behind the bus that had Bravo team. I tiredly dragged my ass out of the car once we pulled up. Not even the double dose of the new pre-work Clint had gotten was helping me to get moving. I was sore and tired beyond belief. I really hoped Coulson wouldn't mind if I came back to sleep in the car once I was finished.

"Who's this strange face?"

I turned around stiffly to find Sam, Nick and Andy coming off the bus.

"Hey." I managed to put some semblance of a smile on my face."What's happening?"

"Show me your bruise," Nick said gleefully, pulling his own shirt up. "I had no idea how many colours mine could go."

Nick got shot in the back on the same mission. The body armour had done its job for him as well as it did for me. He was pissing blood for a week but no major damage. His new girlfriend was a nurse and she had been having fun poking it. We'd been exchanging photos over the last month.

I gingerly pulled my shirt up and showed off my torso. Nick wasn't wrong about all the different colours. It was currently shades of green and yellow all mottled over my pale skin. Nick's wasn't much better looking than mine. At least he only got hit once.

"We are awesome," Nick said with a chuckle. "Let me get a photo for Annie."

I rolled my eyes but the fake smile on my face wasn't feeling quite as fake as before. I positioned myself so I could pull a face in the photo. I doubted he'd be able to get my face at the weird angle we were taking the photo at.

There wasn't much time for greetings. Sam managed a hug before we were all ordered to get our shit ready. We were ushered off to the side to the armoury trailer. Despite the early hour, cars were starting to arrive. I was mildly surprised to see Nick Fury climbing out of his massive black SUV. It gave my Mom grey hairs that he refused to have a driver or any type of security. I was mildly surprised to see a black woman with short hair climbing out of the passenger seat.

"Who's that?" I asked Natasha and Clint, inclining my head towards the pair.

There was no subtlety in the way the pair of them turned to stare at Fury's lady friend. Judging by the confused looks on their faces they were just as stumped as me.

"I've seen her photo in Fury's apartment but I had no idea who she is," Clint said with a shrug.

It was my turn to stare at him in disbelief. Even Natasha was looking at him oddly.

"I was feeding his cat," Clint quickly added as he saw our looks. "Goose. The ginger one? She was in his office all the time when he got really old."

Natasha was staring at Clint like he's grown a second head.

"That cat was an asshole," Evans spoke up from behind us. Clint shot him an extremely grateful look. "It hated me and used to sit there hissing when we had meetings."

The exchange was making me smile as I waited to get my sniper rifle out.

"I'm still trying to get over the fact that Fury has a cat," Natasha's tone indicated she still didn't believe them.

"It was a mean old thing," Clint said, scrunching up his nose in disgust. "It really suited Fury."

Of course, Fury had a mean old cat. It was probably some mangy thing that was missing an ear, or even more hilariously, an eye. The thought gave me a small snort of amusement.

It didn't go much further than that. As soon as I was armed, Coulson was pushing the three of us towards the long distance range. I had no doubt it was to keep us out of everyone's hair for the time being. I was more than happy to slowly meander down to the same spot where I first met Clint. The rest of the STRIKE marksman were with us, the mood light with teasing banter. It was a much needed breath of fresh air listening to the jokes and laughter. The sun was out and trying to warm the day. I was content to lay back on my pillow with my hat over my face and chill out. It was big enough there was enough room for Natasha to lay beside me. She was playing on her phone and occasionally injecting her wicked humour into the conversation around us.

I must have dozed off because one minute I was listening to the conversation about the new guy on Charlie team and where he'd come from and the next Natasha was shaking my leg. I lifted my hat and blinked in the sunlight a few times before I could focus.

"Coulson said we've got half an hour to get ourselves ready." Natasha turned her phone screen around to show me.

Keep Barton out of trouble!

I smiled a little more reading the part Natasha didn't say out loud from Coulson's text. With Natasha help, I got to my feet and started to set up. The joking mood from before was gone as everyone got their game faces on. I had no idea what we were all doing today. No doubt I'd be given targets and told to shoot. I was moving as slow as frozen molasses. Everything hurt more than usual today making me rely on Clint and Natasha more than usual. The sun disappeared making us all scramble for warmer clothes. The wind picked up a few minutes later turning the nice weather into a miserable day.

Huddled into my layers of clothes, I squirmed around on my cushion to get comfortable. It was easy to ignore the ever growing group of people behind us. None of them were paying much attention to us either. Someone had to sense to have the cameras set up so people could watch the targets being blown up without having to squint down the range. Ben was his boss were there. He caught my eye and gave me a warm smile. It helped relax me a fraction. I thought there might still be some tension from him being annoyed last night. Right now he just looked pleased to see me.

Coulson came to crouch down beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I got them to give you the mile and the mile and a half targets," Coulson said with a low murmur. "If you aren't feeling up to it, Barton will step in. You're last to go after everyone else shoots."

I gave Coulson a nod of understanding. Part of me wanted to hand my sniper rifle straight over to Clint and go back to the car. I needed something to push me back into work. Sitting around and doing nothing wasn't helping me. Even Mom had said doing this would be good for me. Coulson gave my shoulder a pat and got to his feet stiffly.

Looking through the scope, everything came to a narrow focus. My breathing slowed as I sighted my first target. The scope fed me back all the information I needed for the shot. As far as long shots went, this one wasn't going to be too complicated.

"How's it looking?" Clint asked me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him peering through the spotter's scope. He was sitting cross legged, chin resting on his hand, completely relaxed and casual.

"Like a target," I said casually.

Next to me, Natasha snorted in contained laughter.

"It better be a target you manage to hit," Clint sounded amused. "I'll laugh my ass if you miss."

"Remember, Natasha is holding you down so I can beat you." The light banter felt good between us. "I won't hold back."

Clint didn't get to reply. From the far end, Tex let off a shot. Everything went silent as the STRIKE marksmen worked their magic. It was always amazing to see us in action. I was so used to being surrounded by some of the best shooters in the world, it was easy to forget how elite the company was. I was incredibly lucky to be here and be considered good enough to hold my own against these guys.

As the new guy from Charlie team got ready to take his shot, I put my attention back to mine. Looking back through the scope, it was such a clean shot for both of mine. I waited until the last shot beside me was well cleared before I squeezed the trigger.

The shot travelled straight and true. It took a few seconds for a target to hit at this range so I had time to watch it. It was a beautiful clean shot headshot that demolished the head of the target. It hit with enough force that the target fell to the ground. I was so proud of it.

Until the target on the ground became something else in my mind. A sudden image of that boy lying on the ground in Somalia was what I was seeing. Bile crawled up into my throat and I could feel my heart feeling like it wanted to beat out of my chest. Before I made a scene and gave into my full blown panic attack, I did something that my Dad would probably spank my ass for. I quickly jammed the magazine and yanked the trigger far harder than I would ever need to. The result was exactly what Dad had warned me about with my sniper rifle. It would produce a misfire but to clear the area, I called out something else.

"Squid load!" I called out.

It was one word guaranteed to make everything stop and get the audience out of the way. A squib load was a malfunction where the projectile doesn't have enough force to exit the barrel. It was one way of having a weapon explode in your hands.

Clint was giving me a concerned look as he helped drag me to my feet to clear the area. He and Natasha didn't waste time in getting me away from the crowd. The only place of privacy was in the tiny toilet block 100 yards away. By the time Natasha slammed the door behind us. I was a shaking mess. Clint got the toilet seat down and let me collapse onto it. I put my head in my heads and tried to breathe. Not that it was helping. I shut my eyes and every time I did, the child soldier with his bowels hanging out kept haunting me. It was terrifying and I couldn't stop that image.

"Kari."

I looked up at Clint's very concerned tone. As I did I caught sight of my hands. Besides shaking so hard, there were ice crystals forming down my fingers and the back of my hand. I wasn't just shaking from trying to hold in this panic attack, the room was impossibly cold.

I had no control. That was more terrifying than the panic attack I was having right now. There was nothing I could do to stop the ice that was now winding down my arms. If the situation wasn't so terrifying already, it would have been beautiful to look at. The hair stood up on the back of my neck as I watched the ice come up to my elbows. I could feel the air around me, the coldness biting at my skin as it was begging to be used with my powers. My teeth were chattering so hard I wouldn't be able to get a warning out if things did go badly.

A figure suddenly appeared in front of me. Jared was there looking pale and shaken. His hands laced through mine and I could feel the warmth spreading down, cutting through the bitter coldness. The flames licked at my skin doing nothing more than melting the ice.

"You aren't there," Jared's voice was calm and soothing. "What you're seeing isn't here. Breathe."

That was easier said than done. When Jared told me to breathe, I didn't notice I was at the point of hyperventilating.

"Breath in and hold for five seconds." Jared's steady voice and grip didn't waver. "Do it with me."

"Don't you dare use my sniper breathing techniques on me," I managed to choke out. "I'll punch you in the face."

Judging by the smirk pulling on Jared's lips, I knew he got his desired reaction out of me. At least he didn't try and waste his time with bullshit platitudes. The room had gone back to an acceptable temperature now I'd tried to stop freezing the air around us. The weight on my chest lifted and I could finally breathe again.

"Sorry," I said in a quiet voice. "I didn't mean to lose my shit. I know you're busy at the moment."

"We all do it sometimes," Jared said casually. "Besides, I wasn't doing anything important."

That was a lie. I knew Jared had so much work to do at the moment he could barely keep up with it all.

"You're okay." Jared's smile turned a bit wobbly. "What happened was fucked up and you're doing a really good job of coping with it. PTSD really sucks."

The short and unamused laugh that escaped from me put a firmer smile back on Jared's face. He wasn't wrong there.

"Do you want me to take you home to Mom?" Jared asked gently. There was no judgement in his voice. Only understanding.

I sighed and looked over Jared's shoulder. Clint and Natasha were both squished up against the wall. As I looked at them, Natasha gave me an encouraging smile. I wasn't fine but I could pull myself together and patch this situation up. People would be wondering why I disappeared so quickly. Anyone with half a brain would have seen I wasn't all right when Natasha and Clint pulled me away. I rubbed my face tiredly as Jared waited patiently for my response.

"I called a squib load," I said with another heavy sigh. "It's not like I can go out there and act like everything is fine when my weapon is going to have to go back for repairs. I jammed the magazine good and proper on it."

The CheyTac was in the weapons trailer. It was always there as a back up for me. I was far too sore to use it today.

"Who said you have to use your fancy sniper rifle?" Jared said as a smirk pulled onto his face. "Today is for showing off what the STRIKE teams can do. So, show off what you've got."

I knew Jared wasn't talking about my shooting. I stared at him like he was growing another head. I had never shown my powers off in such a public display. I wasn't even sure I was allowed to.

"I have a bow and some blunt training arrows," Clint offered.

I glanced over at him. He still looked worried about me. The concern seemed permanently etched into his face these last few weeks. At least now there was a glimmer of mischief on there as well. A quick look at Natasha and she gave me nod, the sparkle in her eyes was clear.

My best friends were absolutely terrifying when they got an idea in their head.

I loved them both for making me into the person confident enough to go with the crazy plan.

Well, confidence might be a bit of a stretch. I was going to do it whether I wanted to or not. Clint's suggestion put an idea into my head. We'd done it a million times before and I knew we couldn't fuck it up.

"Fine."

There was a good chance I would regret this. On the other hand, there was also a good chance I could look awesome enough that my panic attack was wiped from people's minds.

"I'll go run it by Coulson," Clint said, pushing himself off the wall. "Even if he says no, we'll still do it."

Clint grabbed Natasha by the arm and pulled her outside with him. Natasha pulled an annoyed face at Clint but didn't protest. As they left, Jared helped me to my feet and wrapped me up in a gentle hug. Hugs from Jared were rare and he always gave really good hugs. It was nice to be wrapped up in his arms. No words needed to be said. This was like every other rough moment in my life. It would get better and I had the best support crew in the world.

No words needed to be said between me and Jared. I hugged him until the door opened again, this time it was Coulson stepping into the cramped room.

Jared let me go and teleported away without being asked. I gave Coulson a wobbly smile and shoved my hands in my pocket. I was feeling really awkward right now. Now that panic attack had abated, I was pretty sure our plan would be a firm no. I'd be on my way to go see Andrew in the next few minutes if Coulson had his way.

Coulson stood there with his hands folded in front of him, studying me. The silence between us felt like it stretched out for minutes. In reality, it would have barely been half a minute.

"I'm saying yes to this because I feel like you need to do it for your own benefit," Coulson broke the silence first. His tone was firm but gentle. "Have these panic attacks been a reoccurring thing that I'm only just finding out about? Or a new thing."

"New thing," I said honestly. "I'll ring Andrew as soon as we're done here. I promise I haven't been holding anything back this time. I am trying to wade my way through this latest shit storm of my brain."

That got a quick smile on Coulson's face. He was all business a second later.

"Come out when you feel ready. The range explosive guy has already grabbed your weapon and the big wigs are having a break."

Coulson stepped forward and gave me a quick hug. Like Jared, his hugs were rare but I always appreciated them. No matter how brief they were. After the hug, Coulson left me alone. I took the few moments of privacy to splash some water on my face. There was no mirror to make sure I hadn't gone all red and splotchy like my face tended to do with any sort of unwanted emotions. I rubbed my nose to get some circulation back into it as I stepped back aside. As I expected, Clint, Natasha and Jared were all waiting for me.

"Let's do this," I said with a lot more bravado than I was feeling.

At times like this, I hated the range. There was so much walking to do by the time the four of us had gotten back to short distance range, I was regretting this immensely. Still, I was going to put my big girl panties on and do this.

The group of guests were all gathered around behind the mound, talking amongst themselves. Nobody paid the slightest bit of attention to me as I walked out and positioned myself 30 yards away from Clint. When Clint got into place, Coulson was the one to step forward.

"Excuse me." Coulson's voice carried clearly across the range. "If I could have all of your attention for a few minutes, please. STRIKE Team Delta would like to complete their demonstration."

There weren't too many people turn around to pay attention to us. Everyone looked cold and more than ready for their lunch break. Clint and I were about to give them a decent show before lunch.

I nodded at Clint. This was going to get their attention.

It was a good thing I trusted Clint with shooting arrows at me. We did it so regularly that this was muscle memory for me. As the arrow sailed straight for my head, I put both my hands out and created an ice shield. The arrow struck it half a second later, embedding itself in the ice. I had even managed to make it into a perfectly round shape I'd been getting so good at it.

The silence on the range was deafening. Everyone had turned to stare at the sight of one of Clint's arrows stuck in a perfectly round circle of ice suspended from my hands. When everyone was looking I pushed my power out enough to shattered the shields and the arrow. There was a very smug satisfaction about doing it so perfectly the first time. I knew Clint always aimed so the arrow would miss me. It was still a lot of fun to do. Even Clint looked pleased with my perfect first block.

The next two arrows were almost too quick for me. We had been practising Clint shooting two arrows very quickly together at my left and right shoulders to block with separate mini shields. The practise paid off because I manage to have both of them strike the shields in perfect timing. I didn't have time to be smug about it because Clint had another two arrows ready to go. I barely had time to breathe before I blocked them as well. He was doing it in our usual routine so nothing came as a surprise.

The last four arrows were always the hardest. The goal was to freeze them before they got to me. Clint would fire them one after the other without a break between them. Luck was on my side today though. Every single arrow I froze and shattered before it got to me. I was breathing heavily as the last few bits of ice hit the ground. It was only then I realised how quiet everyone had got. What seemed like the entire STRIKE force had stopped to watch along with every single person present today.

I caught a look at Fury who was standing a little way off to the side with his lady friend. His usual emotionless face had a smug smile on it. The lady next to him had both her eyebrows raised so high they were nearly in her hair. The looks on the crowd were either awed or shocked. I'm sure a few people wouldn't be impressed by my little display but the majority were. I couldn't help myself, I gave a cocky bow to my audience.

Someone from STRIKE let out a whistle. It made me smile and a second later there was a round of applause. I couldn't help but smile. Coulson was right as usual. Doing this was a good thing for me. I didn't realise I needed to do it until now. I walked back at Clint and as we got close, he held out his fist.

"STRIKE Team Delta, baby," Clint said with a smug grin.

I returned it, bumping my fist against his.

Damn fucking right. STRIKE Team Delta all the way.

There was no peace and quiet for me after that. I was surrounded by half of the STRIKE force for the rest of the morning. After lunch, Coulson put me on the phone to Andrew so I wandered back down to the long distance range to talk to him. It was still hard talking and working through my feelings. Part of me wanted to clam up and try and ignore my not so subtle case of PTSD right now. It didn't help with everything to do with Riley or my last big mission and it sure as hell wasn't going to help now. So I talked while walking up and down the mound, kicking at rocks as I went. Once I was done with Andrew and feeling marginally better about my meltdown, I stopped by the toilet again before I re-joined the STRIKE teams. I walked out of the toilet and nearly ran straight into Fury and his lady friend.

"Sir." I instantly froze before making an idiot of myself and colliding with them both.

I was in so much shit. Fury's stare was boring into me more than usual. I didn't dare look over at the woman beside him in case it was some unspoken rule.

"Agent Lyngley," Fury said in a tone which gave me no indication if he was pissed at me or not. "Just the person I wanted to see."

"It was all Jared's idea," I blurted out without any thought. "Then Barton encouraged it."

Next to him, the woman snorted with laughter. It may have been a figment of my imagination but I swore Fury's lips briefly turned up. It might have even been a smile for half a nanosecond.

"Kari, this is Maria Rambeau," Fury ignored my attempt at digging my brother and best friend into a whole lot of trouble. "I don't believe I need to introduce her further than that."

I faltered for a few seconds, my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. I didn't know her face but I knew the name. Her and Carol Danvers, a pilot who was killed in a training accident, had a lot of records while I was in flight school. I took great pleasure in smashing a lot of them, hoping the women who'd paved the way for women like me, would be proud of that achievement.

"It's an honour, Ma'am." I finally stopped gaping and pulled myself together. "Sorry about breaking your records in flight school."

"The pleasure is all mine." Maria's smile was friendly and warm as she came forward to shake my hand. "That was quite a show back there."

"They wouldn't let me bring the F-35 out so I had to improvise."

That made Maria smile even wider as we shook hands. This was not a chance meeting at all. Fury had planned. Even though he had the most impossible expression to read, I was sure he was very smug about this.

"I'm doing some work with SHIELD with launching the F-35 program officially in the public eye," Maria explained, no doubt seeing the curiosity that would have been clear on my face. "I was hoping to have your support and help with it since you were the first SHIELD pilot to fly one. Plus us women pilot's need to show these boys how it's done."

"Anything you need Ma'am." This was an unexpected turn of events. Despite the shitty day, there was no wiping the grin off my face right now. "I do love showing these boys up."

"That's what I like to hear." Maria's grin was mischievous. "I'll be sending the details to Coulson but I wanted to introduce myself first."

My day just got infinitely better. I wanted to bombard Maria with questions but I heard my name being called in the distance. I looked over Fury's shoulder to see Coulson motioning for me to join him. He was standing with Jared, Natasha and Clint.

"It's fine," Maria said before I could hesitate. "We'll be seeing plenty of each other soon."

"Thank you." I was relieved she gave me an out before I made an idiot of myself. "I look forward to it."

I walked off with a bounce in my step. I was nearly out of earshot when I heard something I'm sure wasn't for my ears come from Maria.

"You're right. She's so much like her."

Her? It could have been anyone. It wasn't for me to hear so I made sure I didn't falter. I rejoined Coulson and our group.

The rest of the day flew by. I was on such a happy high I was actually looking forward to going out tonight. Clint had blabbed my plans about going out tonight and suddenly all the younger STRIKE guys were coming too. We were headed to Ultrabar, the same place we'd had drinks for Clint's 30th birthday. It was also the same time Jared had disappeared to go after Yelena. I doubted he'd be making that same mistake again. Natasha and Jared both came back to my apartment after we were done to get ready. Ben had sent me a text letting me know he'd meet me there.

I had planned on being boring and wearing jeans but Natasha wasn't having any of that. We were running late by the time we'd finally got something to wear and had our makeup done. Ben was already three drinks in by the time he greeted me at the lower level.

"Hi!" Ben sounded a little worse for wear as he pulled me into a hug. The music was pumping and loud so he had to yell to be heard. "You look fucking hot."

I didn't get a chance to answer. Ben was suddenly kissing me like he was drowning and I was the air he needed. It was hot. Very hot. I found myself returning it eagerly. If Natasha, Clint and Jared hadn't been standing there, it might have gotten unfit for public eyes. Clint clearing his throat loud enough to be heard over the music is what broke us apart.

"Shots?" Jared spoke up as Clint opened his mouth, no doubt to say something snarky. "Those toxic blue things you girls had last time?"

Natasha nodded eagerly and dragged me along with her. Ben followed me like a lost puppy dog, stumbling a little as we went up to the stairs. The upstairs floor was a little quieter for music. But not for the company. As soon as we got up the stairs. I was greeted by some of the Bravo boys. Nick and Andy were both there looking like they had been pre-drinking heavily before coming out. Andy grinned at my arrival and shoved his drink in my hand. I should have protested but I found myself not caring in the slightest and knocked the drink back in one long swig. At least it was a half decent scotch. It still hit me like a ton of bricks five steps towards the bar. I threw caution to the wind and took the offered shots from Jared. He had even brought one for Ben. As I knocked it back, Ben hooked his arm around my waist.

"Come on, I want you to meet some people," Ben said as he tugged me along.

I knew he didn't mean it but he just moved my body the wrong way. There was no stopping my grimace of pain or the falter in my step. Ben was too drunk to notice thankfully as we made our way over to another crowd. Ben started to introduce me to his work friends and ten minutes into the conversation I was really wishing I had another drink.

It wasn't that his friends weren't nice. They were all open and friendly, though a lot of them were a lot drunker than they should have been at this early hour. I found myself lost for conversation as they talked about mundane stuff. People working long hours, buying new cars, looking for a property. My life was so different from all of this. I had nothing in common with anyone, especially the people around mine and Ben's age who were all starting to be engaged or married. Which then had the conversation turn to focus on us.

"How long have you two been dating now?" One of the girls, who's name I'd forgotten the second as she introduced herself, asked.

"Month and a bit?" Ben looked over at me with an adoring smile. The shot and whiskey was enough that I found myself not minding that smile at all. "I have the coolest girlfriend ever. Mind the pun."

The group laughed at Ben's terrible joke. Although I didn't show it, his little comment made me feel uncomfortable. Everyone there today would have been my show. It was no secret. It just felt in bad taste for Ben to bring it up and not me. Not to mention we hadn't actually made our dating official yet. Or maybe I was overthinking the situation too hard. Either way, I really needed another drink.

"I need another drink," I spoke up before the conversation could get carried away. I tugged on Ben's hand to get his attention and gave him a flirty smile. "Come get another shot with me."

"Sure."

As we walked back over to the bar, I passed Clint, Jared and Natasha who were sitting at a table with the Bravo boys. At my pleading look, Natasha was instantly on her feet and at my side at the bar.

"You know what I like Kari." Natasha slid her empty glass across the bar and turned to Ben. "I don't believe we've actually met yet, I'm Natasha."

I shot her an extremely grateful look as I went to order the drinks. Judging by Clint's foul look in Ben's direction, I was going to have to ply him with alcohol to behave himself. Everyone at the table was looking over at me and Ben. I sighed heavily at their mischievous looks. I was going to need alcohol. A lot of it. Luckily for me my dress was revealing enough that I had the bartenders attention right away.

"I need enough shots for that table over there," I said as I pointed to the Bravo team table. "Whatever you have for top shelf bourbon and scotch. Just send a few bottles of each over there."

The bartender gave me a sceptical look as I handed him over my credit card. It was only when the transaction went through did he look happy and impressed. I barely blinked at dropping half of my monthly pay on alcohol. It had been a long time since we had a good night of drinking and it wasn't like I couldn't afford to buy my friend's good booze.

"And this is for you." I reached into my purse and dropped a few $50 notes on the bench. "If you can keep them coming. Keep the tab running for them."

"Anything you need, gorgeous." The bartender gave me a flirty smile.

By the time I'd finished ordering the drinks, Natasha had dragged Ben over towards the table. A few people from Ben's group had gotten curious and had started to come over to mingle. It was mostly women. Not that anyone was minding. A few of the Alpha boys had joined in as well and it was turning into one big noisy crowd.

If we were going to have a party, I may as well make it a fucking party.

"Drinks on me!" I yelled over the top of the noise.

That made the room a thousand times noisier. I couldn't help but laugh at the enthusiasm of the cheers from the STRIKE boys. There were going to be some really sore heads in the morning.

After another round of shots and two glasses of decent scotch, I was actually enjoying myself. Despite my initial reservation, Ben was actually mingling with my work crowd well. At the promise of free drinks, most of his work friends had come over as well. I'm sure when my credit card statement came in next month I would die a little. But this was fun. Even Clint was flirting heavily with one of the women from Ben's work.

"I don't think I've actually ever had bourbon before," Ben said, sounding very slurry as he looked at his now empty glass. "I think I like it."

"Drink up then," I said with a laugh, knocking back my own glass of scotch. "I hate the stuff."

"Here you go." Jared was being helpful for once in his life and poured Ben another glass.

Ben took a long drink. He paused halfway through the glass and stood very still for a few seconds. The sudden green tinge to his face made me take a step back. It passed a moment later and Ben emptied his glass. I was about to suggest that he might want to slow down. My attention got pulled away from Ben by Tex saying my name before I could finish the thought.

"What did I do now?" I asked with a laugh. I'd interrupted him telling a story by the sound of it.

"That last close quarter combat training we did," Tex supplied for me. "And the three of you."

I laughed again. That was the day right before Ben and I had our first date. I was only too happy to jump into this conversation while Ben got side tracked with something else.

It was nearly midnight before I decided to call it a night. Natasha and Jared had snuck out together 45 minutes ago and I was beginning to feel exhausted. Clint and the girl he was flirting with had found themselves a cozy corner and were making out. Ben had been steadily getting bolder with his groping and kisses throughout the night. It was part of the reason I was ready to leave now.

"Come home with me?" I suggested to Ben, the innuendo clear in my voice. I was sitting in his lap and he was happily letting his hands roam over me while he nuzzled my neck.

"And do what?" Ben sounded really drunk, though he was still teasing me. There wasn't any hiding his ruction in his pants to his wandering hands.

"Read a book and knit," I said dryly. "Maybe drink some tea."

Ben laughed at me. He gave me a nudge to get up. I got to my feet easily. I'd slowed my drinking down for the last two hours. I was happily buzzed and willing to stay in that zone. The new Charlie marksmen, Royston had been the first unfortunate one to puke and be kicked out by the bouncers. I'm sure there were going to be plenty more following him tonight. I wobbled on my heels back to the bar to get my credit card and gave the bartender who'd been looking after us all night another tip. I turned around just in time to see Ben bend over and puke all over the table.

A part of me wanted to turn on my Jimmy Choo heel and pretend I didn't know him. He could be someone else problem tonight. Obviously, I wasn't going to get anything but interrupted sleep tonight from Ben being sick. The nice part of me won out with a heavy sigh. I made my way over to him just as the bouncers were coming over.

"We're leaving." I shot them an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry."

Ben wasn't hard to get moving. Our only problem was he stopped to puke three times outside before I could manage to find a taxi. Ben half regained his wits as I pushed him into the car and went to close the door.

"I'm sorry," Ben squinted up at me. "Are you coming home with me?"

"I'll talk to you in the morning," I said, dodging the question. I closed the door and gave the taxi driver the last of the cash I had on me along with Ben's address. I took one last look at him in the backseat. He was slumped in the seat and looked like he'd passed out.

A rise of aggravation hit me as the taxi pulled away. Then sadness. I was going home alone tonight and I really wasn't sure I would cope with that. I looked back to the bar, the music muted from the outside world. Despite the late hour, the Friday night scene was still raging along there. There was nothing to say I couldn't head back inside and enjoy myself.

Tiredness won out before I could think about it too much more. I hailed a taxi and climbed into the backseat. Once I'd given the driver my address I pulled out my phone. There wasn't much on there. A few notifications from games that I'd played and a text message from Mom. I went into my messages, meaning to read the one from Mom but found myself tapping on Gareth's name instead. I hadn't spoken to him much this week and the temptation was real. I nearly went to call him when I was reminded about something. Ben and I had made thing official without me actually knowing. A drunken phone call with Gareth always ended up in phone sex which was way off the cards now.

I should have felt happy about that shift in our relationship with me and Ben. But somehow I couldn't seem to muster any enthusiasm about it. Maybe I was just tired. It had been a long and emotionally rocky day. I'd probably just run out of room and energy for any other major emotions.

There was a little voice in the back of my head nagging at me that I was making excuses. I was getting very good at ignoring that voice.

Thankfully the traffic wasn't bad and I was home in ten minutes. The tiredness from before wasn't enough to let me sleep in the eerily quiet apartment. I changed out of my clothes into some comfortable and warm pyjamas, scrubbed my makeup off and settled down on the couch. Huddling into my fluffy couch blanket, I turned the TV on and mindlessly flicked through the channels. I landed on one of the crime channels doing a feature on serial killers. It was interesting enough for my finger to hover over the channel button. I loved things like that. It only took me a few more seconds to put the remote up and settle in to watch it.

The TV presenter was talking about the man, a doctor who was murdering his elderly patients when the front door rattled. I looked over and braced myself for the inevitable, turning to the TV to pretend it wasn't going to both me. Clint was home with his latest fuck. Normally I couldn't care less about him and his bedroom activities. Tonight it made my stomach clench in an unfamiliar way.

Clint staggered through the door and closed it loudly behind him. It was only his footsteps I heard as he came down the short hallway. We stared at each other in obvious confusion.

"Where's your sexy brunette?" I asked first.

Why did I feel relieved about this? I'd had just enough to drink that my brain really didn't want to process my emotions properly. There was no reason for me to be relieved he was home without his pretty brunette.

"She decided she wasn't the one night stand type," Clint said, looking back at me still confused. "Where's Ben?"

"On his way home because he puked everywhere," I explained, turning back to my TV show.

Behind me, Clint huffed out an unamused laugh. He rattled around for a minute before joining me on the couch.

"What are we watching?" Clint asked as he plonked down on the couch. He arranged himself so he was lying with his head in my lap, pulling up the other blanket we had on the couch.

"Some English doctor being a serial killer," I said, my attention already back on my show. "He was killing his elderly patients."

That was enough to make Clint go quiet. He loved shows like this as much as I did. In comfortable silence, we watched the history of the case unravel. It was as fascinating as I hoped it would be. As usual, the motive was always something bad. This doctor was killing his patient's for money, getting them to alter their wills and leave him substanial amounts.

"Kari?"

"Hmm?" I halfheartedly replied to him. It was about to start talking about how the serial killer got caught. This was always the best part of these shows.

"What would you have done if I'd gotten in the tub with you that night in Moscow?"

"Drowned you and gone to finish my bath in Ivanovich's spa," I said distractedly. Why did Clint always have to talk when the good bits of the show were on? "After all, his was bigger. If you believe what he was saying."

Clint snorted with laughter and settled back down into my lap. Somewhere along the show, he'd gotten one of the cushions he was vehemently against and was using it as a pillow. I was warm and comfortable. Somehow the night was a hell of a lot better, sitting here watching crime shows with my best friend. It had been a hell of a roller coast today with my emotions. Maybe this is what I needed all along. Clint caught my eye and gave me a smile that made the world feel right again.

Authors Note

Holy shit, an update! I'm sorry everyone. I think that's the longest I have ever gone without an update. Life has been crazy busy again and I've been struggling to find time to sit down and actually write. Updates will be spotty all through August as well as I have a fair few competitions coming up with my horses.

This is a quick authors note to say you guys are the best readers in the world. Thank you all so much for your patience as I've been typing this out inbetween work, Uni and being back riding 4 horses a day. 1000 reviews. I have no words when I see that number. Your support is amazing as I swear this story will be the longest fanfiction ever written when I'm finally done with it.

Until next time.