Chapter Two: Reflections in a Shattered Mirror
With your feet on the air
And your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head'll collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?-
Where is My Mind?-The Pixies (1988)
Boone lowers his rifle, the barrel of it still smoking. The last cazador from the nest down the hillside falls. Cass whistles lowly as Haze and Veronica move to harvest the poison glands.
"Damn, soldier boy," she says. "How far away was that?"
"I dunno," Boone says, shouldering his rifle and watching Haze catch Veronica as she stumbles over some loose rocks. "Half a mile? Not my best shot."
"How is that not your best shot?" Raul asks incredulously.
"Wasn't aiming for its wings," Boone replies. Cass snorts, saying a prolonged 'shit' underneath her breath. The girls harvest the glands, and the rest of the group waits for them to come back. Boone looks down at Rex, panting and wagging his tail happily. Rex barks the closer the women get to them. He isn't healthy-the brain in his case shines black and sickly, but the dog seems happy to be outside. Boone reaches down to pet him, and Rex growls.
"Easy, boy, easy," Boone says gently. "I'm on your side."
"It's the hat," Boone hears from beside him. He looks over to see Haze standing next to him. She'd forgone her usual hat, and she subconsciously brushes her hair over her scars in an effort to hide them. "He danger-doesn't like them." Boone looks down at the dog, and sees Rex tilt his head. He takes his beret off, and Rex barks happily. Boone pats his braincase, scratching the dog behind the ear, and then put his hat back on. The group continues up the winding path to Jacobstown.
"What's Doc Henry like?" Veronica asks Arcade. The doctor shrugs nonchalantly, but both Boone and Haze can see the tension coiled tight in his shoulders.
"Oh, he's a genius," Arcade says. "A bit on the grouchy and unfriendly side-he doesn't like people very much, preferring the company of animals, ghouls, supermutants-anything and anyone that isn't human, really. That's why he went to Jacobstown-no people, only supermutants."
"How did you meet him?" Veronica asks, and that tension increases tenfold. Arcade inhales softly, a barely audible sound, but Boone and Haze both catch it.
"I've known him since I was a child," Arcade answers unsurely.
"Oh! Did you meet him through the Followers?" Veronica asks excitedly.
"Well, he is a doctor," Arcade says, and Boone makes note of his non-answer. The group continues to walk the path to Jacobstown, moving further and further from the low Mojave up into the mountains. The mountains glisten with white, reflecting the light of the sun the way metal does.
"What's up ahead?" Lola asks, gesturing to the tops of the mountains that have become visible. She squints against the reflection of the sun. "That shiny white stuff?"
"That's snow, boss," Raul says with a chuckle. At her confused look, he quits laughing, and asks quietly, "You've never seen snow?" She shakes her head.
"Neither have I," Veronica pipes up. "Always wanted to have a snowball fight, though."
"You're not missing much," Boone says. Arcade nods in agreement and Cass lets out a strangled noise of offense.
"He's right," Arcade says. "The stuff is terribly cold. The only good thing about it is that it melts into water."
"You guys are fuckin' communists," Cass says. She catches Lola's eye. "Don't you listen to them-snow is amazing." The path to Jacobstown goes by quickly with the idle chatter of the group of friends. Lola leans down to touch the snow, and makes a face at how cold it is. Eventually, they reach the top of the road, and a crudely painted sign proclaiming 'Jacobstown' for any who see it. A large, green super mutant patrolling the gate. Lola can feel the tension of her group as they walk up, even though Arcade had assured them the super mutants were friendly.
"Howdy, humans," the super mutant calls, and his voice sounds less crazed than other super mutants Lola has heard. "Welcome to Jacobstown!"
"Hi, Marcus," Arcade greets. The super mutant smiles, all teeth.
"Hi, Arcade. Here to see Doc Henry?" Arcade nods, motioning to Rex.
"We have a sick cyber dog." Marcus crouches down, holding his hand out for Rex to sniff. The dog sniffs it before barking and wagging his tail weakly, but happily. Marcus pets him.
"Doc can get him patched right up," he says, looking out at the rest of the group. "Who are your friends?" The members of the group introduce themselves one by one, and Marcus nods in approval.
"You're welcome here," he says again. "But don't cause trouble. If you're NCR," here, he gives a pointed look to Boone's beret, "Keep it to yourself-they aren't real popular with the folks around here. And don't look at the Nightkin-they don't like it." Lola nods as the others give varying affirmative responses. Looking past Marcus' shoulder, she sees old and almost rotten wooden buildings blanketed by snow. The place would look almost idyllic, if not for age and the supermutants wandering the grounds. Lola sees a large nightkin with a straw hat, crouched down and tending to a flower bed.
"Doc Henry is inside the lodge," Marcus says, and his voice catches Lola's attention again. Arcade thanks Marcus, and leads the group to the large wooden building in the back. Cass leans down to scoop up some snow, and when Lola catches her eye she puts a finger to her lips. She rolls it into a ball between her hands and throws it at Raul. It hits him in the back, and some of the snow flies up into the collar of his jumpsuit.
"Cabron!" Raul swears, jumping a little, and trying to fish the snow out of his jumpsuit. Cass snorts. Raul, catching Cass's eye, swears again and gives her a small smile.
"You just wait," he says, and she laughs in the face of his promise. The group walks into the almost decrepit lodge only to come face to face with a group of nightkin.
"You, girl," the Nightkin leader says. Lola keeps her eyes pointed downwards, not even looking at his feet. "You're not like the others. Humans are always staring at things, at Nightkin. But they stare at you, too."
"Yeah," she says quietly to Keene's feet.
"Sunken-in head, rough scars," Keene says. "Blood under your fingernails, blood over your skin-you are heavy with the scent of it." She does look up at him at that, her eyes hard, and the Nightkin flinches into himself, as if he could force himself to disappear. She hears the other nightkin whispering to themselves almost fearfully.
"Head voices say they knew flower girl's father."
"The quiet man knows more than he says about horns!"
"Head voices know smelly ghoul. He's good with guns."
"Blood," Keene says defiantly, still shrinking from Lola's gaze. "Other people's blood-its as much a part of you as your own."
"Enough, Keene," Doc Henry calls from his lab. "There is no need to antagonize those who are here to help us." Keene growls, and the feral sound of it echoes throughout the lobby. He tries to level a glare at Lola before shrinking back from her gaze, and he stomps away with thundering monstrous footsteps.
"Come on in," Doc Henry says. "Please excuse Keene-he isn't used to visitors." The Nightkin hisses, slinking out of sight, and Lola swallows past a strange lump in her throat. Doc Henry looks to Arcade once, and gives him a slight nod of recognition before walking back to his equipment.
"What is it you folks need?" he asks, fiddling with the valve of a strange looking device that Lola can't make sense of.
"We have a Cyber-Dog," Veronica starts. "He's sick." Doc Henry's eyes cut over to Rex. His hard, aged face seems to soften a bit when he looks at the mutt.
"He's not sick," Doc Henry says, stopping his ministrations on his machinery long enough to crouch down and hold his hand out to Rex. "He's dying. It's neural dedragation. Bio-gel was only meant to preserve a brain for so long. He needs a new one."
"Where could we flame-find one?" Lola asks quietly, and Doc Henry turns his piercing silver gaze to her.
"There's an old woman I knew who lived outside of Novac," he says, eyeing Lola curiously. "Griffith? Graham? I haven't left Jacobstown in ages, but she lived with a pack of hounds."
"Gibson," Boone says, a barely surprised groan trailing off at the doctor's mention of the name. "Great. I hope the King is willing to reimburse us. She'd talk the clothes off of your back."
"You'd begrudge an old woman her living?" the doctor asks, amused.
"Old ain't stupid," Boone mutters darkly. "She knows how to bleed a person dry."
"You," Doc Henry says to Lola, and she gets the same feeling of being examined under a magnifying glass with his gaze as she did with Arcade the first time she'd met him. "You make Keene uncomfortable."
"I make a lot of people uncomfortable," she says uneasily.
"'People,'" he quotes, a small smile playing on his lips. "Keene and his nightkin haven't been people, not for a long time. You're awful kind-for a mercenary." The doctor continues to monitor his instruments, and his tone sounds as though he were just making small talk.
"I'm oily-only a merc if the situation calls for it," she answers uncomfortably, catching Arcade's eye. The Follower doesn't give anything away but she can see a slight furrow in his brow.
"How do you feel about Nightstalkers?" Doc Henry asks.
"Do I what now?" she asks, confused by this new line of questioning.
"Nightstalkers," Doc Henry says patiently. "They've been harassing the brahamin, and making the nightkin uneasy."
"You want to take a commit-contract out on nightstalkers?" she asks incredulously. Doc Henry nods again. Well, that is unexpected. For a moment, she had expected Doc Henry to ask her to hunt a person down. He nods.
"There have been Nightstalkers attacking the bighorners. The thing is that they have been attacking under the cover of a stealth field."
"Huh," Arcades says. "That's interesting-and weird." Doc Henry nods.
"I'm not entirely convinced the mutation is a natural one," he says. "I sent some of the nightkin to look into it, but they couldn't find anything. "
"We can look into it," Lola says. Doc Henry gives her a smile, and something tells her the expression is foreign to him.
"Thank you," he says. "Your fresh eyes may do better. Lily may want to go with you-she's the one who cares for the bighorners, and has been greatly upset by these recent events."
"Where do we find her?" Lola asks.
"She's usually in the garden at this time," he answers.
"We need someone to go get a brain for Rex too," Arcade says. "It would be best if we gave him a transplant sooner than later."
"I'll go," Veronica volunteers. "I'm good at haggling."
"I'll go too," Cass cuts in. "Pretty thing like you needs protection out there."
"And I'll go to make sure cowgirl here doesn't get into any trouble she can't handle," Raul deadpans. Cass eyes him suspiciously.
"You just want to get me back," she says.
"When you least expect it," Raul promises.
"I'll stay, and clear out the nightstalkers," Lola says. Boone nods, and she looks at him. "Are you strolling-staying with me?" Boone nods, ignoring the lascivious way Cass wiggles her eyebrows at him.
"Just tell me where to point me gun," he grunts. Lola speaks to Veronica, Cass and Raul-they make plans to meet back in Jacobstown in three days time. Lola gives the remainder of her caps to Veronica, and says to pay whatever it takes for a new brain, ignoring Boone's face. She bends down to pet Rex's braincase as Veronica, Cass and Raul leave.
"Don't worry, boy," she says softly. "We'll make you better." Boone watches Haze from behind his sunglasses, and his pinched expression softens into something kinder. Arcade looks between the two of them.
"Ah," he says softly to himself. "Thought so." Lola stands and leaves the lab with Boone following close behind. He moves to follow them but Henry calls.
"Arcade?" He stops for the familiar sound of the doctor calling his name. "Would you help me with these calibrations? I am afraid my eyes aren't what they used to be."
"Your eyes are fine," Arcade says pleasantly, moving to accept the instrument that Doc Henry offers him. "But I'll help you anyway." Lola and Boone walk out of the lodge, careful to avoid looking at the nightkin that sulk in the corner. Lola squints her eyes at the reflection of the sun against the snow. She sees the same nightkin as before tending to the garden with an absurdly large and worn silk flower pinned to a straw hat. The nightkin hums loudly.
"Hello?" Lola says. The nightkin turns and, upon seeing the two of them, smiles a horrific smile with all teeth.
"Hello, Pumpkin!" The nightkin yells, gathering Lola up in massive blue arms. Boone swears, reaching for his rifle. The nightkin presses an enthusiastic and sloppy kiss to Lola's cheek. "Gramma is happy to see you, Becky!"
"Hello, grandma," Lola says calmly. She looks past the nightkin's arms to Boone, and shakes her head. "My name is Lola."
"Lola?" the nightkin asks, releasing Lola from the bear hug. Confusion colors the nightkin's voice as she says the name. Realization seems to hit her all at once, and the nightkin closes her eyes in embarrassment. "Of course. I'm sorry, pumpkin. I get confused sometimes."
"S'ok," Lola says, giving the nightkin what she hopes is a reassuring smile. "Me too. Are you Lily?"
"I am! What can I do for you?"
"Doc Henry has hired us to deal with some monster-mutated nightstalkers up in the mountains," Lola says. "Would you like to come along?
"Ooooh, those nightstalkers!" Lily almost snarls, slapping a closed fist into her palm. "Always killing my bighorners! I'd like to give them a piece of my mind!"
"Whenever you're ready, we're closing-clearing them out," Lola says. Lily nods, smiling fearfully again.
"Just let me finish planting this patch of corn, and we'll head out," Lily says excitedly. "It's been a while since I've seen any action!"
The cave isn't too far from the settlement, and Lola can see how the nightstalkers could be getting to the bighorners. What she can't see is the nightstalkers themselves. There seems to be no sign of life, save the faint howling echoing from the cave entrance. They enter the cave, keeping an eye out for any nightstalkers.
They don't find any until one bites Lola in the leg. She swears, bringing the butt of her pistol down. She hears a yelp, and sees the shimmering of a stealth field. She aims at the near invisible movement, and hears the tell-tale thud of a body hitting the ground.
"Huh, I'll be damned," Boone says. The corpse crackles like a dying stealth boy before flashing into view. They continue to move further into the cave to clear out the night stalkers, and the mission becomes easier now that she knows to look for the shimmer of a stealth field. She can hear the voices of children faintly in the background every so often.
"What is that?" Lola asks, tilting her head to listen. "Those voices?" The voices of laughing and squealing children echo throughout the silence of the cavern. Lola worries that the sound might be loud enough to attract the nightstalkers, but can't bring herself to care past the sadness in Lily's eyes.
"Oh, this old thing? These are the voices of my grandchildren," she says as quietly as a nightkin can manage. "From the last time I visited them." A kind old voice echoes out from the holotape, declaring 'kisses for Becky and Jimmy!' The children laugh even louder, the sound punctuated by purposefully loud smooching noises. "The medicine makes me forget, dearie, and I play this to remember them."
Lola doesn't say anything. She only listens in heavy silence to the voices on the holotape, and tries to ignore the faint but inevitable sound in the background of the holotape decaying. Lily can't remember-that's a story as familiar to Lola as, well, anything else. It is one of the only things that is familiar. Boone, giving no indication that he had heard their conversation other than the grim set of his jaw, motions for them to be silent.
"There's something in the distance," Lola says, moving past a dead night stalker. On the ground lies a chewed up stealth boy. Lola gingerly picks it up with a low whistle. "This explains a lot."
They find the nest, and there is more of them than Lola expected. It's hard to keep up with the nightstalkers with their damned stealth fields, and more than once one of them gets the drop on her. Lily gets swarmed with them, and yells out a pained cry of rage. Lola and Boone shoot the nightstalkers down.
"Lily?" Lola asks, but the supermutant doesn't hear her. Boone lowers his rifle warily. Lola moves close to her. "Lily?" she asks again.
With a booming and angry cry, Lily turns and wildly swings her bumper sword. Lola barely dodges, rolling out of the way as the bumper sword cleaves a stealth-boy covered nightstalker in half, and embeds in the cave wall. Lily roars, advancing toward Lola and leaving her bumper sword in the wall. Boone, swearing, lines his rifle up for the shot.
"Don't!" Lola cries out to him. She holds her hand out as though she could stop the shot. "LILY!" Lily shakes her head at the sound of Lola's voice, and Lola hopes it means the nightkin is coming back to herself. But she only stops long enough to savagely ripping her bumper sword from the wall. Chunks of rock crumble at her feet, and a booming, wild shout of rage rips from her throat. Lola feels a hand grasp hers, and she's pulled back just as Lily swings her bumper sword through the air. Air hisses around the blade as Lily swings it through the space Lola had just been standing, and the pitiful cry of a nightstalker echoes through the cave. Lola finds herself shoved into a narrow hollow, inclined down into the cave, and Boone blocks her body with his.
"Shit," he swears, pulling her down to the ground. "Stay down." Lola jumps as she hears the echo of the bumper sword hitting rock, and Lily's booming yell of rage.
"CHOP THEM HARDER, LEO!"
"Lily," Lola says in a pained whisper. She moves to stand, but Boone presses her back down with his hands on her shoulders and the weight of his body. The jagged wall digs into the small of her back, and he feels uncomfortably warm pressed against her.
"Shhh," he says, his breath blowing past her ear. She shifts uncomfortably between his chest and the cave wall, but he doesn't budge. "Just stay down until it's over." Boone shifts his hands from her shoulders, and they move toward the rifle hostlered on his back. Lola reaches for his hands without thinking. Boone hisses at the feeling of her hands grasping his.
"Don't hurt her," she whispers. "Just lay low until it's over, when-right?"
"She comes after us, she's dead," he whispers back. She tightens her grip on his hands. He gives them a quick, hard squeeze before pulling away from her grip. The two of them wait, huddled in the hollow. Eventually, the only noise left is the echoing sound of Lily's breathing.
"Becky? Jimmy?" Lily calls, sounding more like herself.
"Lily?" Lola calls, and Boone swears. Lily comes into view and he aims his rifle at her.
"Are you two alright?" Lily asks, almost fearfully. "Leo didn't hurt you, did he?"
"Leo?" Boone asks sharply, and the edges of his voice are rough with adrenaline.
"What happened back there?" Lola asks warily.
"I'm sorry, dearie," Lily says, apologetic regret coloring her voice. "Sometimes Grannie listens to Leo when she shouldn't. The medicine is supposed to help with it, but Grandma doesn't take it as often as she should," Lily says almost guiltily. "Grandma doesn't want to miss the sounds of her Jimmy and Becky." Boone opens his mouth again to say something, but Lola shakes her head and cuts in.
"Nevermind, grandma," she says, ignoring the silent fury Boone turns her way. "What matters is no one got hurt. Let's get back to the lodge."
"I told you nightkin are dangerous," Boone whispers out of the corner of his mouth.
"So are you, and I won't leave you behind," she snaps. Ignoring his perturbed expression, she walks faster to catch up with Lily, who walks quickly as though fleeing from them.
The three of them make it back to Jacobstown in silence. Arcade meets them at the front of the lodge, and Lily looks like she could run from them, if given the chance.
"Lily, could I tank-talk to you?" Lola asks softy. Looking at Boone pointedly, she adds, "Alone?"
"No way in hell-" Boone starts but Arcade shushes him.
"Boone, come on," Arcade says genially. "Doc Henry needs some equipment moved, and I can't do it by myself." Boone seems to glower at Arcade from behind his glasses but the doctor doesn't even flinch.
"Boone," Lola says firmly. He turns his gaze to her, and she can make out his unhappiness in the set of his brow. She doesn't shrink from his gaze.
"I'll keep an eye on you," Boone says finally, more to Lily than to Lola.
"I understand, dearie," Lily says. "You go play nice now." Once Arcade lead Boone back to the lodge (with the latter looking over his shoulder at them every so often), Lola says,
"You wanna talk about what happened back there in the cave?" Lily sighs, looking down at her feet.
"I'm sorry you had to meet Leo, dear," she says. "He isn't a very good man. The medicine keeps him at bay, but…" at this, Lily's voice trails off.
"But you can't remember Jimmy and Becky," Lola finishes. Lily nods sadly. "You have to take your medicine, Lily."
"I know," she says, oddly quiet for a nightkin.
"But you shouldn't lose your mettle-memories," Lola says. "I'm no doctor, but maybe try half-doses?" Lily nods.
"Doc Henry says the full amount is the most effective," she says hesitantly. "But some should be better than none."
"Right," Lola says. "Why don't you think amount-about coming with us when we get Rex fixed up?"
"Are you sure, honey?" Lily asks, looking back toward the lodge. "I don't think your soldier boy would like that very much."
"He's not mine," Lola says quickly. "And Boone doesn't like much of anything."
Lola walks back into the lodge, and hears Doc Henry calling her from his lab. Arcade and Boone are already in there, helping the doctor. She lets Boone show Doc Henry the chewed up stealth boy, only stopping long enough to tell Arcade about her offer to Lily. He nods, pursing his lips and his eyes cut over to look at Boone. She ignores that knowing glance and continues to help Doc Henry. The sun moves lower in the sky until eventually Doc Henry has to light candles and lanterns so they can see. She moves the equipment where he directs her, and she fixes the holes in the lodge walls, pleasantly surprised at how much she likes this new use of her hands. It's easy to let her hands fix something for once instead of just destroying.
It's less easy to ignore Boone's heavy gaze following her around the lab, his brow furrowed and his jaw clenched. Eventually he leans over to Arcade and quietly says something she can't hear. Arcade nods, looking toward her.
"Hey," he says. She looks up from her work. "When you get a minute, meet us in the kitchen?" She nods, finishing hammering in the last nails from her job patching the wall. Doc Henry nods in approval, and silently hands her some medical supplies as payment. She walks across the lobby to the small kitchen, ignoring the nightkin that desperately try to cling to the shadows. When she opens the door, neither Boone or Arcade is sitting down. Boone stands with his arms crossed tightly across his chest, and Arcade tries to give her a reassuring smile.
"You two look like upset parents," she comments, remembering some of the parents she saw back in Freeside scolding their children.
"We," Arcade starts, looking at Boone. He sighs. "We don't think it's safe to be around Lily."
"What do you mean?" she asks warily.
"Haze, when she doesn't take her medicine she has psychotic breaks. Sometimes, she attacks our enemies but one of these days, she's going to go crazy and attack one of us. Then we're going to have to put her down," Boone says, and Arcade winces.
"Boone, we talked about this. We were going to do this with tact, remember?" the doctor says exasperatedly.
"Are you kidding me?" Lola says, and anger, white-hot and ready to fight, flares up in her voice. Arcade exhales in a long-suffering sigh. This is what he'd been hoping to avoid.
"You heard me," Boone says stubbornly, and Arcade throws his hands up in exasperation.
"What Boone means to say is that sometimes Lily loses herself and we're worried about the danger she poses to others," he says, glaring at Boone.
"If she travels with us, there is no guarantee she won't lose it and attack us," Boone says.
"She needs someone to take care of her," Lola says, and behind the anger her voice sounds small. "Boone, that's not her fault."
"No," Boone acknowledges. "And it won't be her fault when she tries to tear you apart. But that won't stop it from happening, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand by and let it happen to you."
"You don't get to decode-decide what happens to me!"
"Oh, and what? I'm supposed to just watch you get yourself killed by an insane supermutant out of a misguided sense of kindness?" Arcade pushes his seat back in defeat as Lola bites out,
"Fan-fuck you, Boone! Lily is my friend!"
"Arcade, exit stage left," the doctor mutters to himself, gathering up the book he'd been reading and exiting the longue. The door swinging shut does little to silence the sound of their argument. He wonders if they'll even notice that he's gone, and hopes Lola doesn't take another swing at Boone. The nightkin are jumpy enough as it is without a fistfight breaking out in their home.
"Why is it so important to you to take her with us?" Boone demands. "She's better off here, and you know it." Haze opens her mouth to speak, then shuts it again. Snatches of her conversation with Lily flash through her mind-of how the medicine makes her mind foggy, how she plays that single holotape so she can hear the voices of her grandchildren, and of the confusion that sucks her mind into an endless black void. She can't express why she feels connected to Lily-the words won't come to her-so she keeps her mouth stubbornly shut. Boone grits his teeth, but before he can speak the door to the kitchen swings open.
"I brought cookies to apologize for my behavior, pumpkin," Lily says, holding out a burnt tray of what Boone assumes is cookies. Haze's face softens, and she takes one of the blackened offerings.
"Thanks, Grandma," she says, sitting down at an ancient Pre-War table. Her face hardens again when she makes eye contact with Boone. He didn't think it was possible for someone to look vindictive while eating a cookie, but Haze manages it with startling ferocity. Boone doesn't take one, but remains silent until Lily leaves the room.
"Haze-" he starts, but she shakes her head.
"This discussion is done," she says, standing up. She takes the plate of burnt cookies from the table.
"Haze-" he says exasperatedly, but she pushes past him and exits the lodge. He sighs, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling.
"Just wanna keep you safe," he says to an empty room.
Boone knows he should give her space-Arcade even says as much. But eventually he can't stand having her out of his sight (where he can keep her safe) and goes to find her.
He finds her sitting out on the front porch of the lodge, knees tucked underneath her chin and a too baggy homemade sweater. It's a bright green color, like the algae that gathers in water that isn't irradiated to hell and back. It keeps slipping off of her shoulders, exposing the bare skin, as though it were made for a creature much larger than a human and forced upon her to keep her from getting cold. She pulls it up with the hand not holding a cigarette to her lips. Boone sits down next to her. She doesn't say anything in response, just continues to look up at the moon through the haze of her cigarette smoke.
"Do you feel sorry for them?" Boone asks, remembering how they'd snuck past the nightkin at Black Mountain and REPCONN. "The Nightkin? Lily?"
"Not sorry," she says. She smiles wryly. "I relate to them. They're broken-" here, she motions to her bullet scars. "I'm broken. We're kindness-kindred spirits. Lily is kind. She wants to be good, Boone."
"Like you want to be good," he says. She nods miserably.
"Yeah," she says, her voice barely a whisper. "Lily can't remember," she smiles but the grief of it marks her face. "She-the medicine-it takes away the vases-voices of her grandchildren."
"You can't remember either," he says quietly. She nods.
"No," she says. "Not a thing. I can't take that away from her, Boone. I can't."
"How would she know?" he asks, but not unkindly.
"I would know," she says, her voice hard with conviction. He looks at her, really looks at her, for what feels like the first time since he'd met her. She's not pretty, though he thinks she may have been before the bullets. The right side of her head is caved in just slightly, and highly noticeable, but Boone would say that he'd have to look hard to see it if he'd felt kind.
He feels inexplicably kind, when looking at her in the moonlight.
He's never really forced himself to see her before. What catches the most attention are the scars, snaking down from her temple all the way down her cheek, like a skeletal hand cupping her face. She's covered in scars, some she can remember and some she can't. Striking green eyes sit almost lopsidedly in a dark face, and her auburn hair hangs around her face like thin, tangled agave roots. He avoids touching her whenever he can-he leaves the affection to the others who are better at it. Veronica's always scrambling to walk arm-in-arm with her. Cass usually punches her shoulder after a job well done and, on those rare occasion when Haze's face crumbles, Raul will pull her into his arms and hug her tightly. Boone can't force himself to do any of that, though some nights when sleep evades him, he imagines that he could. He imagines pulling her into his arms, of being the one that this impossibly fragile and unthinkably resilient woman reaches out to for comfort. But he always stops those thoughts before they can go too far.
He can't let the weight of his heart dig a grave for her, too.
She brings her cigarette up to her too thin lips, and takes a deep drag. When she exhales and looks at him, he lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
"You okay?" she asks quietly, and her voice only strengthens whatever spell had come over him. He swallows, forcing his eyes away, and answers an affirmative like a stuttering schoolboy. She looks at him, furrowing her brow as she's asking him in her stumbling way if he is alright, and all he can think of is sunlight shining off of the black hair he can see through his scope.
