Chapter 2: Split (Part 1)
"—Karofsky?" Blaine asked in a tone of disbelief.
"Uh, yeah."
Kurt considered his options for a moment.
He could ignore the calls. After all, why ruin such a perfect evening? On the other hand, Dave had called four times! Why would he call that many times unless it was something urgent? I'm pretty sure I would call back an unknown number after that many missed calls in a row. Blaine will understand. Right?
"Do you mind if I, um, call him back?" Kurt asked hesitantly. "I'm sorry, I know it's bad form on a date, I just...I'm very concerned."
"Of course nnnnot, Kurt." Blaine started the car and pulled out of his parking spot as Kurt started the call. Kurt glanced over to gauge Blaine's reaction; his lips were pressed together into a hard line, his hands gripping the steering wheel tighter than usual. He totally minds.
Blaine, polite to a fault as usual, had even shut off the radio so Kurt would not be disturbed on the phone. As the phone rang, Kurt glanced over at Blaine but his eyes were straight ahead on the road, his expression impossible to read in profile.
The phone rang five times before Dave finally picked up. "What?"
"Uh, it's Kurt. You called? So I just…I mean, are you okay?"
"'m fine. Anything else?"
Huh?
"But…you called me earlier, like, a bunch of times. I figured it must be some kind of emergency. Look, I'm sorry if you're mad I didn't pick up. We were somewhere loud and I didn't exactly hear my phone going off."
"We…right, of course, it's Valentine's Day. You're with him," he said flatly.
"Well, he is my boyfriend," Kurt reminded him, starting to lose patience.
Blaine looked over at him rather suddenly and Kurt regretted his choice of words. Great, now Blaine is wondering what Dave said about him. I'm just making this worse.
"Well, nothing's going on, okay?"
"Uh, sure…that's convincing," Kurt had said sarcastically.
"I said it was nothing . I'll see you at school tomorrow. Or not. Whatever." The phone clicked off before Kurt was even able to say goodbye. Well, that was weird.
"So?" Blaine prompted. There was a very slight edge to his voice.
Kurt sighed. "I don't know. He said it was nothing but he got all defensive and weird. like he was lying or hiding something."
"Just… b-be careful, Kurt. P-p-promise me?"
Oh Blaine, lovably overprotective as usual.
"Blaine, seriously, he's not a threat anymore. You have to get over it."
"Oh, I have to, do I?" Blaine asked snippily.
The overprotectiveness is officially no longer lovable.
"Can we please not fight? This has been such a perfect, romantic evening and I would really prefer to allow it to stay untarnished in my memory if it's all the same to you."
Blaine's voice softened. "Yes. Yes, of c-c-c-course. It really was—has been a v-very lovely night. Thank you, again, for the —idea and the—and the—and the—and the matching outfits."
"You're welcome."
—
"I think I need to break up with Rachel."
Kurt nearly fell off his kitchen bar stool in surprise. "What? Why?"
"She cheated on me," Finn explained in a somber tone.
"She what ? How did I not know about this?" Kurt was flabbergasted by the news. "I'm supposed to be her best friend."
"Yes, I can see how Rachel cheating on me would be hard for you , Kurt." Kurt gulped. I deserved that.
"Sorry, sorry, you're right. This is so not about me right now. I promise my ego is back in it's cage. So you were saying…wow, she really cheated on you? That fucking sucks, Finn. I'm so sorry."
"You'll never guess who she cheated with," Finn said with a wry smile.
"No…she didn't…did she?" Surely Puckerman learned his lesson after the first time.
"Yup. Two for two. Traitorous bastard of a best friend. I'm such an idiot for forgiving him after the first time."
"What happened? I just—I mean, you two seemed so happy. It's hard to believe that Rachel would just cheat on you all of a sudden." Half to himself, he added, "Maybe if there was a solo in it for her or something…" Kurt trailed off, realizing this was probably not helping.
Finn let out a dry laugh. "She-she found out that I really did lose my virginity to Santana last year and…in her twisted little brain this makes it fair or something. Which is just totally crazy!" He slammed his fist down on the granite countertop in anger.
"Wait, so she seriously cheated on you out of spite? Damn, that's cold." Kurt shook his head in disbelief. Rachel, you idiot, what were you thinking?
"I don't know who I'm angrier with: Rachel or Santana. Santana just had to stir shit up because she was fucking bored or something. Or like our happiness offended her. But, hey, Santana never tried to hide the fact that she's a selfish bitch. Rachel, on the other hand…Rachel loved me and betrayed me anyways. This is such bullshit. I love her so much but I…I can't trust her anymore, you know?"
Kurt stopped to consider Finn's words. It was hard to imagine himself in that position.
"I don't know, to be honest. It's hard to imagine wanting to break up with someone I was still in love with. You don't think it would be worth it to try to work through it?" Rachel will be heartbroken.
"I talked to my mom about it and she said that there were lots of times she was in love but a relationship just wasn't working for other reasons. She dated this one guy who she really cared about but she was miserable dating him. She finally realized that loving someone wasn't supposed to be quite that hard and that she deserved better. Then she met my dad, and it was."
"Wow, look at Carole with the sage mom wisdom! That's so sweet, Finn. Dad has never really talked about girlfriends before Mom. At the risk of making this about me again, I have to say that being with Blaine is like that. Things feel sort of organic and easy. I'm not saying we don't fight or have stuff to work through, but our relationship just makes me happy most of the time." Kurt couldn't help the smile that broke across his face when he talked about Blaine. I look like a lovesick fool.
"No, it's okay. It's…nice to hear, actually. Being with Rachel…well, it's not like that. There have been times…briefly, when things felt easy. But most of the time it's just one drama after the next. Now this…I dunno, man." Finn shook his head sadly.
Kurt's heart ached for his stepbrother. He tried not to let his mind wander to Rachel—who he knew would be devastated—because he could only support one half of this couple at a time. I wish there was something I could do to cheer Finn up.
"This calls for a fresh-baked batch of my chocolate-chip lavender cookies. I think I still have some cookie dough in the freezer. It'll just take 20 minutes or so to have them ready. Can I tempt you?"
"That sounds perfect. You know…if someone had asked me what having you as a brother would be like…well, no, actually lavender cookies is probably exactly what I'd have guessed but…well, I would never have imagined…this." Finn gestured vaguely to Kurt and himself, which he understood to mean the heart-to-heart they had shared. "Thanks for listening, bro."
Kurt smiled. "Any time, bro." I think Finn is the only person I could feel pleased about calling me 'bro.'
Finn jumped in surprise when someone knocked on the front door.
"Shit, I…that will be Blaine. I can—do you want me to send him home? I know we were kind of having a moment…I just didn't know this was going to happen."
"No, man, don't be stupid. I can't eat all of those cookies by myself. Besides, I need all the help I can get figuring out how to break up with the world's biggest drama queen with all my limbs intact."
Kurt kissed Blaine hello and quickly got him up to speed on what was going on. Hand in hand, they walked into the kitchen.
Blaine crossed his arms and smiled sadly at Finn. "I heard you need some advice about br-br-br-breaking up with the girl who-who has been known to sssend her enemies to crack houses. I hu-humbly offer my advice in song f-form. Kurt, feel free to join in."
Kurt raised his eyebrows, eager to see what Blaine had in mind. Kurt knew how to cheer people up by listening to them or plying them with baked goods, but Blaine was the king of distracting someone or shaking them out of a bad mood with humor.
The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
Kurt was pleased to see Finn laughing by the end. "Thanks, Blaine. But seriously, I need help dudes."
"Are you going to try to work it out? Maybe you should talk things over before you make a final decision."
Finn just shook his head sadly. "It's over, Kurt. There's nothing to talk about." Wow, this is really happening.
"My only advice to make it quick and don't give her an audience. You know how dramatic Rachel can be. See if you can leave things on good enough terms not to tear the whole Glee Club apart, at least."
"J-j-just do it somewhere in-in-in private, where she can l-l-leave quickly after," Blaine suggested, somewhat more practically.
Finn clapped Blaine on the shoulder and Kurt felt his stomach flood with warmth at seeing the people he loved all getting along.
—
No amount of planning can prevent the hurt that comes with a break-up, but Finn and Kurt tried their best. Finn arranged to meet Rachel in the auditorium after school, where they could speak in private.
Kurt waited just outside the door, ready to console his friend as best he could. They had debated whether Blaine should be there too, but Kurt decided that Rachel might not want to be reminded of their happy relationship when her own had just fallen apart. So Kurt waited alone, leaning up against the wall, an overnight bag at his feet. He had packed it the night before, in preparation for the inevitable Rachel Berry Emergency Sleepover.
The waiting was agony, not knowing when she would arrive, just knowing that she would be devastated when she did. It was strange to know someone was going to hurt his friend but there was nothing he could or should do to stop it.
Suddenly, the heavy door to the auditorium was flung open and a tearful Rachel emerged. "Kurt!" she cried out when she saw him, flinging herself into his arms.
Kurt wrapped his arms around her, rubbing circles into her back. It always soothed him when Blaine did that for him.
She sobbed for a while before she was able to catch her breath enough to explain what had happened. With one hand, Kurt grasped Rachel's and with the other he swung his overnight bag over his shoulder.
"I'm going to drive you home now, Rachel."
"Will you stay with me?"
"Of course."
—
When they made it to Rachel's horribly pink bedroom, Kurt was suddenly unsure of what to do. I should have brought Blaine. He's so much better at this sort of thing.
"Do you, um, want to talk?" he asked awkwardly.
Rachel nodded and then, to Kurt's alarm, a fresh wave of tears began to flow. Kurt patted her head awkwardly, which Rachel took as invitation to bury her face in his lap, her tears soaking through his pants. Why didn't I think to bring a change of clothes?
"He didn't even let me explain, Kurt!" she wailed. "I love him and he loves me; we should be together."
"Oh, honey, I know. But maybe sometimes love isn't enough," Kurt said in what he hoped was a soothing voice, remembering what Finn had said.
"Not enough? Of course, it's enough! He's just punishing me right now, but he'll take me back once he has time to calm down." Rachel seemed comforted by her own words, even managing to sit up and blow her nose.
How can she get over this if she thinks this is only temporary? "Rachel, I think Finn was serious."
"Why? Did he tell you something? What did he say?" Rachel asked, her voice desperate and pleading.
"Um...I don't know, Rachel. He seemed pretty sure of his decision."
"Really?" she asked, the panic rising in her voice.
"Yeah, but…I mean really who knows. Maybe he will change his mind after spending some time apart and realizing how much he misses you," Kurt suggested in the hopes of cheering Rachel up.
"Oh, Kurt, do you really think so? Did he say that? Hmm…do you think it will be more affecting if I'm cool and composed or would a total emotional breakdown to show the depth of my pain be more convincing? Maybe you could poke around for me this weekend and take the temperature of the room, so to speak."
"I dunno, Rachel, that seems like a violation of the brotherly bond."
"Oh come on, Kurt. He's only your step brother. It barely counts." Rachel's words were biting.
"Hey! Rude, much? If you think that's the way to get me to help you, well you don't know me at all."
Rachel gasped in realization. "Oh my god! Of course! It's the ultimate heartbreak song. He won't be able to hold his resolve, not in the face of this!"
"Uh…what are you plotting there, Dr. Evil?" Kurt asked in trepidation.
"Oh, you'll see."
—
Kurt's butt had barely hit the chair in the choir room before Rachel's hand shot up into the air, demanding the floor.
"Mr. Schuester, I am distraught. As an artist, it is my solemn responsibility to create great art from my grief. Finn, I hope you will consider how deeply our sorrowful parting has affected me. I stand before you humbled and heartbroken, hoping that against all odds you will take me back."
Wait…she's not going to…is she? Oh shit, she's a genius! Phil Collins is the ultimate trump card.
How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ooh, take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face
If there was one thing Rachel Berry excelled at, it was emoting through song. Her usually refined voice was raw with just the right amount of desperation to channel Phil Collins' emotional performance style. By the time she reached the bridge, tears were gushing down her face. By the time the song finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the room.
Finn let out a single, strangled sob and then ran out of the room.
—
Kurt found him moping in the locker rooms. Why do angry boys always end up in the locker rooms?
"I just don't understand why she would do something like that?" Finn groaned
"Because she's addicted to drama?" Kurt suggested.
"Yeah, true, but still. Why would she beg me to take her back so soon after the break-up? I thought I would have at least a week before she realized I was serious and pulled some stunt like this."
Uh-oh.
"Wait…did you not want her to know that you meant it?" Kurt asked guiltily.
"Kurt! What did you do?" Finn shook off the lethargy of his depression, starting to vibrate with anger.
"Uh…I may have…mentioned something about it. She asked and…honestly I thought it would help her move on if she wasn't holding out false hope."
Finn just shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe you told her what we talked about! That was private, Kurt."
"I'm sorry Finn. You didn't say not to tell her, so…"
"I shouldn't have to say not to tell her, Kurt! Why would it ever be okay to tell my ex what I said about her at home? In what universe does that sound like something anyone would be okay with? Damn it, Kurt!" Finn looked furious.
Guilt twisted like a knife in his gut. He gasped out an apology, "I'm s-sorry, Finn!"
"I should have known you would choose her over me!"
"What? No! That's not…"
"Just go away, Kurt!"
—
Later that night, Kurt decided to bring Finn a mug of warm milk as a peace offering. He hoped it would give him an excuse to talk just the two of them. He knocked gently on Finn's door.
"Give me a minute," his voice called out, sounding odd and strained. When the door opened, Finn's eyes were red-rimmed. Was he crying?
"Hey, big guy, I brought you some warm milk. I know how much it helps you relax before bed. I also wanted to apologize for telling tales out of school; it is clear to me now how wrong that was and I promise it won't happen again."
"Thanks," he said gruffly. Finn sat silently on the edge of his bed, sipping at the milk while Kurt stood awkwardly in front of him, not sure if he was invited to stay or not. Finally, Finn patted the bed next to him and Kurt sat down. Kurt still automatically left a cushion of space between them, leftover from the days when Finn was made uncomfortable by Kurt's presence. He wasn't really sure where they stood on that front. Did being brothers mean that Kurt didn't have to be as concerned about giving Finn an extra-large personal space bubble?
"I'm still new at this whole being family thing, but I do want to be a good stepbrother to you. I just…I can't abandon Rachel, either. You understand that, right? She's been there for me through a lot of shit, even if she can be a complete witch sometimes I still love her."
Finn nodded.
"So…do you want to talk about it?" Kurt asked.
"I dunno, maybe? I'm not…you know, guys don't talk about this stuff the way girls do. I'm just not…used to it."
"Whatever you want, Finn. But it's just us here, and I think you know that I'm not exactly a big follower of rules about what guys 'should' do. And if you want to know what I think, my opinion is that talking about your feelings is healthy for everyone. Society really kind of fucks us all up as kids by telling us that girls are like this and boys are like that. It's not good for any of us. Being a human being is hard enough without all these extra rules that don't help us be better people."
Finn nodded in thoughtful contemplation, taking another few sips of his milk.
"I'm just really fucking sad. I miss her and then I hate myself for missing her, because she betrayed me, and I'm also mad as hell. I feel split between hating her and loving her. I thought my feelings would just…go away, but they haven't. It's like my brain knows that she did something awful to me but my heart didn't get the memo. I'm the one who decided to end things so every time I'm miserable I remember that I did this to myself. If I wanted to be with her, I could be."
"Do you?" asked Kurt.
"No, at least I don't think so. I'm too angry with her. Like sometimes I imagine picking up that tiny woman and throwing her across the room. Not that I would—obviously—but…I'm just so full of rage."
"I think you should just let yourself feel sad and angry for a little while. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You had a big break-up, you are allowed to feel sad and angry. Just feel those feelings, you know."
"Uh, thanks, Kurt. I think that actually did help."
"Good, because I just remembered this completely weird song that my mom used to love and I am definitely going to sing it to you. You do not get a say in the matter."
"I never thought having a brother would involve this many spontaneous musical performances."
"Well, that is exactly what I imagined having a brother would be like. Apparently, that's pretty much what having Cooper for a brother is like for Blaine. Maybe this is just a thing everyone knows about having brothers but no one talks about it."
"Hah, I doubt it."
Kurt scrolled through on his phone, quickly pulling up the lyrics in case he forgot some. Then he started the song playing.
Baby the day that you left me
my anger was so intense
that I hoped you would fall from a fifth floor window
and land…on a picket fence
But after a week by my lonesome
I realized that was dumb
Better your scarf
should get snagged
on the bumper of a passing taxi cab
and drag you to kingdom come
Oh I'm entitled to my feelings
they're my feelings, so they're okay
They can't lock you up for what you're feeling
So feel your feelings all the way
They can't lock you up for what you're feeling
No matter how gross or unappealing
So let those emotions hit the ceiling
Feel your feelings all the way!
Finn was in stitches of laughter by the time Kurt finished the song. Maybe I have learned a thing or two from Blaine about how to cheer someone up with silliness and distraction.
"Weren't you only eight when your mom died? How old were you when you sang this together?"
Kurt chuckled, "Six or seven, maybe. Now that you mention it, it is pretty violent for a little kid. I think she liked the message of the chorus so much that she overlooked it." Kurt shrugged, not sure how else to explain it. His mom had been a very unique woman.
"Now if only you had the perfect song I can sing to convince Rachel that it really is over," Finn said with a sigh.
"Well if it was me, I would sing the shit out of Nancy Sinatra but I don't know if that's really your style."
"No, that's perfect! Kurt, if anyone knows how to speak Rachel Berry's language, it's you. I think it might be exactly what I need for her to finally believe me that it's over."
"If nothing else, it will probably be cathartic to sing some of that anger out."
"I'm going to bed. If I have weird-ass dreams, though, I am blaming you. That song was bananas." Seems fair.
"Goodnight, Finn."
"Goodnight, bro."
Kurt gently closed the door and smiled to himself. This is exactly what I hoped being brothers would be like.
Author's Notes
A Phil Collins sized thank you to my beta-reader BlurglesmurfKlaine!
Next time on Love Yourself: Finn's musical rebuttal, the Glee Club Schism, and Rachel has an usual request for Kurt.
Music Notes:
There Must be 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon
Against All Odds by Phil Collins
Feel Your Feelings by John Forster
I highly recommend listening to Feel Your Feelings. It's a wonderfully weird song that I hope you all enjoy! I heard it on an Album called "Follow that Road" as a child but it turned out to be rare enough that a single YouTube video (it has an animation to the song) is the only place I could find it on the internet. I couldn't even find the lyrics online; I actually transcribed them from the video for this.
