Chapter 3: Split (Part 2)
By Thursday, Finn had really hit his stride in the moping department. He lay fully horizontal on the couch, already wearing his pajamas when it was barely 4pm. He was making quick work of a large bag of barbecue flavored potato chips as he stared blankly at the football game on the television.
Doesn't he have any friends to come over and cheer him up?
About to carry the latest issue of Vogue up to his room to peruse in peaceful silence, Kurt switched directions and settled himself in an armchair in the living room instead. Finn grunted to acknowledge his presence then glued his eyes back to the football game he was watching.
"Finn, isn't there anyone who could come over and cheer you up, or I don't know, at least motivate you to put on clothes?"
"Well normally I would hang out with Puck, but…" Kurt realized that Finn had lost not only his girlfriend but also his best friend in the course of this breakup.
"Right. Maybe it's time to start strengthening some other relationships."
Finn considered his words for a few minutes. "Have you met that new kid, Sam?"
"Sam? No, it doesn't ring a bell, sorry."
"Oh. His family moved here last month and he's QB2 on the team." I love how he says QB2 like he thinks I have any idea what that means. "He seems cool so far. Like he's into music and video games…and football, obviously."
"You should invite him over," Kurt suggested. "He probably doesn't know that many people yet and would appreciate you reaching out. And you could probably use a new friend who isn't involved in all this Rachel drama."
"Yeah, okay, that's a good idea actually. Thanks, Kurt."
"You're welcome," Kurt said, pleased that he had finally been able to say something helpful.
An hour later, a boy with shaggy, platinum blonde hair showed up with a big bag of wings from the local barbecue joint. The first thing that Kurt noticed was that his eyebrows did not match his hair. Bottle blonde; gotcha!
He extended his hand and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel, Finn's stepbrother. It's nice to meet you."
"The name is Evans. Sam Evans." Was that supposed to be Sean Connery?
Kurt left them alone to murder zombies on the xbox. When he came down to start cooking dinner, Finn was smiling for the first time since the break-up. Sam was doing an imprecise but still entertaining impression of a young Justin Timberlake.
You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused with some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it's your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
He must have told Sam about the Phil Collins debacle.
"Oh, hey, Kurt," said Sam with a friendly wave, dropping the act.
"You can sing?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess."
"No, not I guess. Trust me, you can sing. I would tell you if you couldn't. You should join Glee Club. Finn and I are both in it!"
"I'll have to think on that."
Kurt was about to head into the kitchen when Finn called out to him.
"Hey, Kurt? So I've been trying to be better about like inviting you to guy stuff 'cause like I get that you're still a dude, even if you're into a lot of girly stuff." Finn cleared his throat awkwardly.
Kurt plastered what he hoped was a reassuring smile on his face and waited patiently for him to work through whatever it was he was trying to say. Finn was clearly trying to be considerate—even if it was coming out incredibly awkwardly— and he didn't want to discourage whatever this was.
"Anyways, so um, I'm pretty fucking bummed about the breakup with Rachel, obviously, and hanging out with Sam is really cheering me up. I was thinking maybe this weekend I could do like a full-on guys night. Maybe a night of shooting shit in Call of Duty would be a good distraction, or whatever. I wasn't sure if I should, like, invite you though, because I know that's not really your thing. But my mom said I shouldn't assume you don't want to do like guy stuff and you might at least appreciate being asked. So…I'm asking. I was gonna ask if Mike and Artie wanted to come over to play video games and eat pizza. Do you want to join us?"
There were so many things Kurt could have said to object to the whole concept of "guy stuff" but he decided this was not the time, not when Finn was trying so hard to be more inclusive of Kurt.
"Wow, Finn…I, uh, I'm really touched by your invitation. Way to go, Carole, with the good advice. You're right that it isn't really my thing but I also might have felt left out if I wasn't invited. As it stands, I actually already agreed to go hang out with Rachel tomorrow night. She's also seeking the company of friends to comfort her in this difficult time. But…thank you, seriously."
Finn looked up and smiled at him. Kurt felt a surge of affection towards his stepbrother.
"Okay, cool. I'm glad it was the right call to ask. So, uh, you're really going over to Rachel's? Wow, I didn't even really think about how close you two are. Is this going to get…weird?"
"I hope not."
—
In Glee Club on Tuesday, Finn surprised everyone by announcing that he had something to sing. Mr. Schuester seemed too exhausted to even register his protests to the increasingly flagrant disregard his students had for the lesson plan. Finn stood in the middle of the choir room in a pair of cowboy boots, flanked on either side by Kurt and Sam.
You keep saying you got something for me
Something you call love but confess
You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't've been a'messin'
And now someone else is getting all your best
Finn pointed an accusing finger at Puck, practically spitting out the words. Kurt was downright proud of how well he was bringing the drama. My little grasshopper has grown so much.
These boots are made for walking
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
This time he pointed straight at Rachel, whose jaw dropped in shock and anger.
You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin'
You keep losing when you oughta not bet
You keep samin' when you oughta be a'changin'
Now what's right is right but you ain't been right yet
These boots are made for walking
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
You keep playing where you shouldn't be playing
And you keep thinking that you'll never get burnt (HAH)
I just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH)
And what he knows you ain't had time to learn
These boots are made for walking,
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'
Kurt was pleased with how well the choreography had turned out. Nevertheless, the applause was muted given the awkward social dynamics at play.
"Thank you, boys, for that…passionate performance. Please take a seat so we can review our setlist for Regionals."
Rachel glared at him darkly for the rest of Glee club rehearsal.
—
Lunchtime had been bad enough when Finn and Rachel were sitting at opposite sides of the usual Glee Club table in the cafeteria, aggressively pretending the other one didn't exist.
But when Kurt entered the cafeteria that Friday, he quickly realized that things had gone horribly downhill. Kurt spotted Finn first and waved. Finn called out, "Hey, broseph!"
Then, from a few tables over, a different voice called his name. "Kurt! Come sit with us!" This time it was Mercedes calling him to join her at a table with Rachel.
Kurt stopped in his tracks, looking back and forth between the two tables with a growing feeling of panic. He turned to Blaine. "Oh no! Glee club is having its first schism. Also, remind me to tell Finn in no uncertain terms never to call me that again."
"So…wh-wh-wh-where do we sit, K-Kurt?" asked Blaine.
Rachel sat at one table with Tina and Mercedes, while Finn had a separate table started with Sam and Artie. Both looked up at him expectantly, clearly convinced that he would choose them.
"Well, Rachel looks like might actually murder me right now so I vote Finn."
Kurt could have sworn he could feel Rachel's eyes boring hatefully into the back of his head for the entirety of lunch, but he was too scared to actually turn around to check.
—
Kurt wondered if he was even still invited to Rachel's sleepover that night, but she hadn't uninvited him and he didn't dare risk incurring further wrath by standing her up.
"Brutus!" Rachel screamed at him, pointing an accusing finger in his direction as soon as he walked in the door. "How could you abandon me in my time of need?"
"I know you have a vivid fantasy life, Rachel, but you do know you rule a middling Glee Club not the fucking Roman empire, right?"
Rachel crossed her arms and glared.
"Look, Rach, I'm sorry! Finn was so mad when he found out I told you what he said. I was trying to patch things up with him; I do live with the guy after all. Look, you know I love you hon, but I love him too."
"He was mad? How mad? What did he say?" Rachel fired questions at him one after another.
Kurt clapped a hand over his mouth, realizing what he had done.
"No! Rachel, I promised him I wouldn't share things he says with you anymore. Just call me Belinda Carlisle because my lips are sealed."
"If we didn't have Regionals coming up so soon I would totally be scream-singing to 'The Go-Gos' until I passed out from exhaustion right now."
"Well, next time Nick gets an away pass from Dalton then we are definitely taking you out for a night of karaoke."
"Deal. In the meantime, can we just watch 'The Notebook' until I cry myself to sleep?"
"Only if I'm allowed to text Blaine during the sad parts."
"Where is he, anyways? I meant it when I said to invite him."
"Yeah, I don't think his parents were too thrilled with the idea of him having a sleepover with his boyfriend. They're a little more traditional than Hiram and Leroy. He was pretty disappointed since he's still kind of obsessed with them but I'm mostly relieved because I'm still scared they are going to show me that powerpoint."
"Oh my god! You know what would really cheer me up?" Rachel's lips curled into a wide smile and there was a maniacal glint in her eye.
"I don't like where this is going. What?"
"You're my best friend Kurt, you owe me, and I am in grief right now which means you have to do anything I say will make me feel better. Those are the rules of the friendship contract you signed."
"I knew I should have listened to Blaine's dad about not signing things without reading them all the way through. Ugh, fine…but this is no genie situation. You get one wish Aladdin and that's it."
"Fine! My wish is…to get to watch the awkwardness of my parents giving you the gay sex talk. It will be hilarious and honestly you kind of need to have it and I know you're never going to agree to it otherwise."
"Agh…I can't believe I'm saying this but fine."
Rachel clapped and for the first time that night, she was smiling. Maybe this really will be worth it. While she scurried upstairs to get her fathers, Kurt took a minute to text Blaine about his plight.
Kurt: I have somehow been tricked into agreeing to let The Berrys give me a sex ed lesson. Help! This is not a drill!
Blaine: Tricked?
Kurt: I'm not good at resisting the pleas of a woman in tears.
Blaine: Let me know if you learn anything good ;)
Kurt: All right, laugh it up. You'll be sorry when I lay dying of humiliation in the hospital. It will be the first documented case. At least I'll be famous.
Blaine: And we were worried about Rachel being a drama queen?
—
"Now, kid, it's easy to think there are no repercussions from sex when you can't get anyone pregnant but you couldn't be more wrong. No glove, no love…of any kind! I don't care if you both say that you are virgins. 1 in 5 people will cheat in a relationship but 99% of people think it can't possibly be their partner. Be smart and protect yourself. HIV isn't the death sentence that it once was but your risks are still higher than the average straight person. You should also know that whoever bottoms is at a much higher risk of contracting an STD…"
Kurt tried to drown out the onslaught of information by taking Rachel's suggestion and scream-singing The Go-Gos in his mind.
"Been running so long, I've nearly lost all track of time.
In every direction I couldn't see the warning signs
I must be losin' it 'cause my mind plays tricks on me
It looked so easy, but you know looks sometimes deceive"
"Now you may think that anal sex is always done from behind but there are actually many ways to engage in this activity that allow for face-to-face contact. Some couples find this more intimate while others prefer the ease of movement allowed by the traditional position. Now there are some tricks to making this work."
Oh god oh god are they going to start acting it out?
Kurt watched on in horror as Hiram and Leroy talked about where to put legs and hands. Kurt tried to get back to his happy place.
"Been running so fast right from the starting line
No more connections I don't need any more advice
One hand's just reaching out and one's just hangin' on
It seems my weaknesses just keep going strong"
Rachel was in a fit of giggles and covered her eyes. "Gross, dads, I don't want to see that."
"It's perfectly natural, Rachel. Now, Kurt, the other thing to know is that there is a wide-range of sex acts that make up the gay experience from mutual masturbation all the way up to anal sex and you get to choose which ones are enjoyable for you and your partner. There is no rule that says you even need to have anal sex; there are couples that don't enjoy it and have healthy and fun sex lives without it."
Kurt's face was starting to hurt from cringing, but suddenly he felt strangely relieved by this nugget of information. It wasn't that he necessarily didn't want to ever…do that, but it took some of the pressure off knowing that he didn't have to if he didn't want to. That it wasn't somehow required in order to have a fully realized adult relationship.
"Head over heels, where should I go?
Can't stop myself, outta control
Head over heels, no time to think
Looks like the whole world's out of sync"
"Now, let's talk about enthusiastic consent! You should never ever do anything intimate with a partner who is anything less than an enthusiastic participant. That means that you should treat 'maybe' or 'I don't know' as a negative response. Someone who really wants to have sex with you and won't regret it the next day will respond enthusiastically. Wait for that 'hell yes!' reply."
"Oh my god, do you seriously think I'm going to rape someone? Jesus Christ!" Kurt shouted, horrified.
Hiram sat next to Kurt and patted his knee. "Of course not. But as men, the whole of society is sending us a message that we must pursue that which we want, that if we are turned down then we just have to try harder. It's the message of every single romantic comedy, unfortunately. We are also taught that it's not sexy to ask permission. You should both just know or something, but that's poppycock. It's critical to ask and communicate before, during, and after. Talk about what you want before, check-in to see if both parties are enjoying themselves during, and afterwards talk about what you both liked and didn't like so you can be even better the next time."
Kurt thought back to Blaine's insistence that they talk about intimacy, despite his resistance. Hiram's words made him appreciate all over again how mature Blaine had been to approach it that way. To know that they needed to actually talk about it. I think we are going to be okay. I think we can do that. Again, he felt a sense of relief knowing that communication was the key to navigating physical intimacy and that Blaine and he had already opened a dialogue there. They could keep figuring out how to talk through things, no matter how embarrassing. Kurt was filled with the familiar feeling of warmth and safety when he thought about Blaine, even if there was still anxiety and nerves about sex.
"Been running so hard when what I need is to unwind
The voice of reason is one I left so far behind
I waited so long so long to play this part
And just remembered that I'd forgotten about my heart"
—
Of course, making up with Rachel meant that navigating the cafeteria was even more complicated the following Monday.
"I don't know! Rachel's one of my best friends and Finn is my stepbrother. I'm not sure who I owe my loyalty to. Ugh, it's so unfair of them to make me choose."
"Then let's g-g-g-get our own ta-table. We-we-we don't have to pl-play their game."
"You are full of wisdom for one so young." Kurt walked over to Rachel and then Finn, giving them the same message. "I love you both and I refuse to choose between you so Blaine and I will be finding somewhere else to eat until the two of you can find a more mature way to deal with this. I am officially declaring myself Switzerland in this dispute."
Finn crossed his arms and Rachel gave him a look of deep disapproval. They'll get over it eventually. Right?
Once Kurt had declared himself to be a neutral party, he had hoped that other Glee Club members would join him. But in the end, it was just Mike and Tina. Mike was better friends with Finn and Tina was better friends with Rachel, so rather than sit apart as a couple or choose a single allegiance, they chose to eat with Kurt and Blaine.
Kurt found it to be an unexpected opportunity to get to know Mike better. He had always been one of the quieter members of New Directions and if he was completely honest with himself, Kurt had never really paid that much attention to Mike.
But in this smaller setting, Kurt found him to be a sensitive young man who felt restricted by society's expectations of masculinity, just like Kurt. "I'm just so sick of the other guys on the football team giving me shit about being a dancer. If they had any idea the amount of athleticism and discipline required…they just have no respect for what I do," Mike vented to their burgeoning new lunch group.
"You're just more evolved than them, Mike," Kurt explained. "It all goes back to misogyny. They think women are weak and less than so they are constantly trying to prove that they are nothing like women. Anything feminine that a man does, takes away from his elite status from being male."
Tina nodded emphatically and Mike blinked at him in surprise. "Woah, Kurt. That was…deep. I didn't know you were such a philosopher."
Kurt laughed at Mike's tone of awe. "Yeah, well, being gay really makes you confront a lot of fucked up shit in a way that straight men don't really have to. After the hundredth time someone calls you a 'girl' like it's the worst possible thing you could be, you kind of have to stop and think about why that's even an insult. And like, most of my friends are girls. What's wrong with being a girl? Girls are fucking awesome!"
"Here, here," said Tina. Then she looked lovingly over at Mike. "He really is one of the good ones, isn't he?" she cooed.
"D-d-d-definitely," agreed Blaine.
—
Hoping to do some extra Regionals practice at home, Kurt dropped by the choir room after school to gather supplies. Instead, he found Finn and Rachel in the midst of a very loud argument.
"He is my brother! Family always comes first, Rachel!" Finn sounded furious.
"Puh-lease. Last year you and Puck were throwing him in the dumpster. You were never a friend to him until your parents started dating and you had to be. You will never understand him the way that I do. I bet you don't even know what musical that song you sang together was featured in. We were friends first and you can't have him!" Rachel shouted back.
"He's my brother!" Finn yelled. "You can't take away my family! That's not how it works. You always stick by family." Finn's face was flushed and Kurt started to wonder if this argument had started to be about something else. Rachel could never understand the way that losing a parent young can make family feel like a fragile concept that must be held onto tightly.
Rachel stamped her foot angrily.
Kurt gulped and both Rachel and Finn jumped in surprise as they finally noticed his presence. Rachel grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled him towards her. "Kurt is my best friend! He would never abandon me."
"I, uh…" Kurt was flustered and unsure what to say.
"Kurt is my brother," Finn declared, grabbing Kurt's other arm.
"Ouch," Kurt complained, as he was yanked back and forth like a rag doll.
"St-st-st-st-stop it!" called out Blaine, angrily. "No more tug-o-K-Kurt."
Rachel and Finn both let go. "What the-the-the-the hell, guys?" Blaine demanded. "Is this the j-j-judgement of Solomon? D-Do I need to sssuggest cutting K-Kurt in half to see who re-really loves him? You are —both going to lose him if you keep this up. St-st-stop putting him in the m-m-middle of this."
Rachel and Finn, to their credit, both managed to look ashamed of themselves. Blaine wrapped a strong, comforting arm around Kurt and steered him out of the choir room, where he had stumbled upon the fighting exes.
"Thanks, Blaine. That was getting so out of hand. I just…I hate feeling split in two like this. Why can't they just understand that I love them both? They're acting like children! God, if we ever broke up we would be so much classier about it."
"You think…you th-think we're g-g-going to break up?" Blaine asked, suddenly looking small and sad. Kurt's heart sank.
"Oh, no, baby, of course not! I didn't mean anything like that. It just…well, I guess it made me think, actually. I really thought those two would be together forever…it shakes your confidence a little bit, I guess. Not…not that I'm doubting us, not for a second." Blaine's face still fell and Kurt realized with alarm that his words were having the opposite of the desired effect.
"I guess…I mean…p-p-people have secrets. Wh-what if there was some secret I was —keeping from you?" Blaine asked, his voice thick with emotion.
Wait what?
"I—what? What secret?" Kurt felt himself starting to panic.
"No! I'm not s-s-saying there is one. I'm just saying what if?"
"Well, it's a great way to make me worried that you have a big relationship-ending secret, so that's an awesome turn for this conversation to have taken," Kurt said bitterly.
Blaine looked stricken. "I…I don't even—h-h-how did this turn into a fight?"
"I don't know! I think maybe we are both a little more shaken by the break-up than we realized." Kurt reached out to take Blaine's hand, gently rubbing his thumb across his knuckles the way he knew Blaine found soothing. "So let's imagine. What if one of us did have a big secret from before we were together? Do you really think we would betray the other out of vengeance? Because I think we have a pretty good track record of talking things out. Not perfect, mind you, but we always get there in the end, right?"
Blaine looked up at him with love in his eyes. "Yeah, we do. And we-we-we-we've improved with t-time."
"So let's just…keep doing that. Keep communicating with each other, even when things get hard. Especially when things get hard. We're not them, okay?"
Blaine nodded and then pressed his lips to Kurt for a very necessary, very affirming kiss.
Credits: Thank you to my amazing beta-reader, BlurglesmurfKlaine!
Music Notes:
These Boots Were Made for Walking - Nancy Sinatra
This song was used to great effect in the film version of "Kinky Boots" and I also highly recommend the scene from "Blackpool" in which David Tennant sings and dances along to the song. Both can be easily found on YouTube.
Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake
This was sort of joke song so I'm not including it in the playlist because tbh I don't really like this song I just thought it would be funny for the moment. And, you know, my playlist my rules:P
Head Over Heels - The Go-Gos
References:
Belinda Carlisle: singer of the band The Go-Gos, who have a song called "Our Lips Are Sealed" (Will it appear later in this story? Stay tuned to find out!)
