Chapter 5: Secrets
"See Blaine Anderson naked."
Kurt was grinning to himself in a state of joyful disbelief about what had happened in his bedroom that night. Too excited to go to bed, he found himself sitting on the rug in his bedroom, flipping through the memorabilia in his hope chest.
He paused when he got to the book of coupons from Blaine. Reading that particular coupon reminded him of the cheeky expression on Blaine's face when Kurt had read it aloud on Valentine's Day. While he had appreciated the thought behind it, it had seemed like such an abstract concept at the time. It was a "someday" activity. He wanted to do it someday, but it felt safely far away.
But now… something had changed between them. They had crossed a line of sorts, one that could not be uncrossed.
These things had a progression to them and once you started you were supposed to proceed along some vaguely linear path, each step a greater degree of intimacy until you had reached some end point.
Kurt dropped the coupon, suddenly struck with a fit of nerves.
But how fast is too fast? How do I know when I'm ready? Do I just…know, or is there like some protocol here?
Loathe though he was to admit it, the sex talk from Rachel's dads had actually been of some use to him. But they hadn't exactly covered this. He tried to remember exactly what they had said… something about enthusiasm? If he thought too hard about it, all he heard was Belinda Carlisle.
Constant enthusiasm? No…that's not right. Enthusiastic concentration? No…oh wait, was it enthusiastic consent? That sounds right. What did that mean again? Making sure both people feel…enthusiastic before they do...stuff. But how do you know if you're "enthusiastic" when you feel excited and desperately nervous at the same time?
Kurt's brain was spiraling into a tangled mess. Conceding that he wasn't going to figure any of this out tonight, he closed the chest and slid it back underneath his bed. It was getting late and now that his bubble of joy had been slightly deflated by reality, he suddenly felt the day catching up with him.
After carefully washing and moisturizing his face, Kurt checked his phone. Blaine!
Blaine: I think I'm supposed to say that I'm on cloud 9 but honestly I think I need a higher scale. Cloud 10? Cloud 11? I need one that goes up to 11, like that guy in Spinal Tap.
Kurt's chest felt warm and tender, even as he chuckled.
Kurt: I'll take whatever cloud you're on, please.
Blaine: Deal :)
Blaine: So…how do you feel?
He seriously has some kind of boyfriend sixth sense. Kurt bit his lip, unsure how to respond. He didn't want to give Blaine the impression that he regretted anything, because he didn't, not in the slightest. But he did feel…sort of weird. It was just…a lot to take in. And he felt unsure of what would happen next. But was that the sort of thing he should be honest with Blaine about? Maybe there were some things he should keep to himself, not because he was hiding them from Blaine exactly but rather to protect his feelings.
Kurt's thoughts were interrupted when his phone started vibrating. "Blaine Anderson Calling."
"I took too long to answer your text, huh?" he guessed.
There was silence on the other end, so Kurt waited patiently, knowing that Blaine was working through his response.
" Y-y- yeah, b-b-b- basically. So wh-what's going through that —gorgeous head of yours?"
"I'm a little overwhelmed."
"Oh."
"But! That doesn't mean I regret anything, because I really don't. It was…well, it was perfect."
"Okay, g-g-g- good." Kurt could hear the smile in his voice.
"That's why I didn't respond right away. I was just trying to figure out how to explain without worrying you unnecessarily."
"So…what-what-what…uh, uh, wh-what has you over-overwhelmed exactly?"
Kurt was glad they weren't talking over video chat because he could feel how pink his cheeks were getting.
"I guess I'm just…nervous about everything that comes…later and the, um, the pace—I guess that's the word I'm looking for—of how things go in the future."
"I wwwould never —pressure you, —Kurt," Blaine said with a sigh.
"No, no, of course not. I know that, Blaine. I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me!"
"Huh?"
"I'm worried that I…that I won't know when I'm—when I'm ready for the next…step, I guess. Gah, this is hard to talk about."
"Well, then I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm really —proud of you for-for t-talking about it."
"Oh, well, um thanks."
"Look…I-I-I-I know how, um, um, a-a-awkward this can be to-to-to-to —talk a-about, —but…well…we can figure…this stuff out…together…if you want. If you…don't know…if you're ready…then-then-then…"
Blaine paused and Kurt could hear him breathing over the phone. He waited since Blaine clearly wasn't done. It had been a while since Blaine had gone full ERASM; the conversation must be getting hard for him.
"…then, well, I mean…if you want you can…you know…talk about it w-w-with me. If that, um, I mean I-I-I —don't know if-if-if-if that would, like, um….help but…I want you to-to…to know that it's…an option."
How did I get this lucky?
"Thank you, Blaine. That means a lot to me. I do feel a little less…alone in figuring all of this out. Thanks for reminding me that we are always a team."
"My ffffavorite team."
"Okay, you big flirt. I really do have to go to bed now."
"I wouldn't want to —disturb your —beauty rest. G-g-g-g-good night, sweetheart. I-I-I love you."
"Damn straight; no one messes with my beauty rest. I love you too. Sweet dreams."
—
Kurt did not enjoy keeping secrets.
It was one of the reasons coming out of the closet had been such a relief. Not that he was bad at it, not at all. He was nowhere near as gossipy as Rachel, who was known for being incapable of keeping anything a secret for more than 12 hours. It was just that he valued honesty and keeping secrets from those he cared about felt like a betrayal of his own core beliefs.
And yet, somehow, he found himself keeping a secret from one of the people he cared about most in the world: Blaine.
It had all started on Valentine's Day, with the four missed calls from Dave Karofsky. After denying that anything was wrong, Dave ducked his phone calls for nearly a week.
Blaine seemed grumpy when Kurt complained about it. "Why won't he talk to me?"
Blaine's expression was inscrutable but Kurt suspected he was still displeased. He sighed in annoyance. I forgave him, so why can't Blaine?
"Don't be like that. I'm seriously worried about him."
Blaine remained impassive. "Okay. Well, if he wants—if he wants your help, then he's g-g-going to have to let you know, right?"
"I suppose," Kurt reluctantly agreed. "Still, I think I'll try to find him after school today before football practice starts."
"Alone?"
"It's perfectly safe, Blaine."
"Fine." Blaine bit his lip.
—
"Dave?" Kurt called out hesitantly into the locker room. He had never felt particularly comfortable or welcome in this space, but he knew it was the most likely place to find Dave before practice started.
"What?" he asked, gruffly. Kurt rounded the corner, following his voice. Dave's uniform was laid out on the bench and he was halfway through peeling off his thermal shirt when Kurt spotted him.
Karofsky stood across from him in a white, short-sleeved undershirt. Kurt gasped at the deep purple bruises edged in greenish-yellow that ran down his left arm.
"What the hell happened to you, Dave?" Kurt demanded angrily.
Karofsky looked startled, as if Kurt had walked in on him naked. He grabbed his jersey and roughly pulled it on, covering up the bruises. Are those handprints?
He grunted wordlessly and pushed past Kurt, breaking out into a jog, and took off through the exit that led directly to the football field. Kurt stared after him for several long seconds. Well, shit. Now what?
Kurt thought about when he had been at his lowest point, pushing everyone away, ignoring the offers of help. It hadn't been until Blaine had beat down his door and demanded that he talk to him that things had finally turned around for Kurt. Is this the part where I go to his house and demand to talk to him?
But things had been so different with Blaine. He and Blaine were already close at that point; they were best friends. Kurt didn't really even consider Dave a friend, let alone a close one. More of a tolerable acquaintance with whom he shared a strange history. They were pulled together by shared unfortunate circumstances, that was all. Should I tell Ms. Pillsbury? She's a professional so she should know what to do.
In the end, he asked the wisest person he knew: Burt Hummel.
"What do you do when someone needs your help but won't accept it?" he asked his dad.
"Well, kiddo, you can't force someone to open up. You can push, sure, but in the end it's still up to him. Some people…well, they need space to feel safe. Maybe you need to back off for a little while and let him come to you. Just keep showing him that you are supportive and trustworthy without pressuring him."
"How?"
"Keep being a reliably friendly presence in his life. Even if you get nothing in return, just treat each day as if it's a reset and try again. Check-in on him without prying so he knows you care. After that, the rest is up to him."
Kurt pondered his dad's advice. He didn't feel any more in control of the situation but he felt slightly reassured that he was doing everything he could. Ultimately, it just wasn't a situation he could have control over. He took a few deep breaths to calm the antsy feeling building in the pit of his stomach.
—
Kurt tried to follow his dad's advice. Every time he saw Dave, he gave him a friendly wave or an encouraging smile. Sometimes Dave would acknowledge his efforts and other times not so much.
Kurt found it easier not to take his rebuffs personally than Blaine did.
"Why do you —put up with him? He may not be bullying you anymore but are you really okay with him being so r-r-r-rude?" Blaine questioned in a tone of annoyance.
"He's not being rude. He's just…in a bad mood today, I think. It's not personal."
"Hmm," said Blaine, unconvinced. Kurt let out a sigh but dropped the subject.
Kurt was just starting to wonder if should give up when Dave finally decided to talk to him. It happened out of the blue one afternoon when Dave found him after school, asking if they could talk in private.
So Kurt found himself inviting his former bully over to his house for the second time.
Kurt made them each a mug of green tea and then invited Dave into his bedroom, where they wouldn't be interrupted. He wasn't keeping Dave a secret from his dad, Carole, or Finn per say but it would certainly be less complicated if they never noticed that he had been there.
"So what's been going on?" Kurt asked, hoping that an open-ended question would draw Dave out without putting pressure on him to share more than he was ready for.
"It's my dad. He's…well, he isn't adjusting to my coming out the way I had hoped."
"Is that how you got those bruises? The ones on your arm."
Dave nodded.
"Fuck. I'm so sorry, that's awful. What happened?"
"I don't think he meant to hurt me, he just grabbed me too hard. He was yelling and I tried to leave the room and he just…he grabbed me, just to get me to stay and listen, you know?"
"Dave…that's still awful."
"Well, it's my own fault for being stupid enough to come out to him before I moved out. I knew he might react like this and somehow I still thought it was a good idea. What a joke!"
"Look Dave, it's not your fault."
"Sure feels like it. Maybe I should try to walk it back. Tell him that I was confused but now I know that I'm straight. I could probably find a chick to date for a little while to sell it. Do you think he'd believe me?"
The desperation in his voice was heartbreaking.
"Well, having never met your father it's really hard to say. It's certainly an option, something you could try. I think maybe if he wants it to be true badly enough then he might believe you. Are you really willing to do that, though? You already know how bad it will feel, lying again about who you are. You couldn't pay me enough to go back into the closet."
"You know what, I take it back. This is your fault! You and your perfect little boyfriend looking all happy together with your perfect dad who accepts you just the way you are. I should have known I wouldn't get to have any of that."
Kurt's first response was a flare of anger, followed by the sinking fear that maybe Dave was right. Oh my god, didI do this? Did I push him into a dangerous situation? Kurt felt his heart start to race and his breathing quicken. I don't know what I'm doing! Why is anyone listening to my advice?
Kurt took a few deep breaths. He started to feel a bit calmer.
"Well, I—I'm sorry, Dave, I was just trying to help. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. What about your mom? Where is she in all of this?"
Dave sighed. "It's hard to tell. Dad is very much the man of the house; he's in charge of things and his opinion comes first. She wasn't home when he grabbed me that time, when he gave me those bruises. I didn't…I didn't tell her and I doubt he did."
"Would it change anything if you did?"
"I don't know. Probably not. He doesn't really…listen to her."
"What a fucked up situation, jeez. So your dad…I mean was he abusive before this, or…?"
"He's not abusive," Dave growled defensively.
"But…he hurt you."
"He got angry and lost control. That doesn't mean he's abusive."
I'm pretty sure it does, actually but… Kurt debated whether or not to continue this line of discussion. Maybe another time.
"Okay, whatever you say," Kurt relented. "Is there anything I can do to help? Besides just listening?"
Dave shrugged.
"Do you…do you think he might kick you out or get violent again?"
Dave shrugged a second time. Fuck.
"Okay, well for now I'm going to just say this, because I think you might need to be reminded: There is nothing wrong or unnatural about you. You're not broken or bad. Small-minded people may say these things but they are not true. There are bigger places with bigger-minded people and some day you will make it to one of them and things will get better. It does get better, David, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. You just have to tolerate this time before things get better. And you're not alone. If you ever feel like you don't have anyone else, just…remember that you have me, okay? If things get bad, just…you can always call me. I mean that. If you need a place to stay, you can stay here. I'll figure out something to tell my dad"
By the end of Kurt's speech, he and David were both blinking back tears.
"Thanks, Kurt. I'm sorry I said it was your fault before. That wasn't fair."
"No, it wasn't. I let it slide because you're clearly upset but don't let it happen again. There are limits to my generosity Dave and my patience for being insulted by you is hanging by a thread."
"I'll try. Thanks for, uh, listening," he muttered. "I…I should get home before they start to miss me."
Kurt walked him outside and waved from the porch, watching as Dave walked down the drive.
"Isn't that your Dad?" Kurt asked, pointing to the car pulled up in front of his house with its headlights on. Dave was walking in the opposite direction.
Dave shook his head no. "As if I could have my Dad pick me up here, that's a good one. No, I'm going to walk home. It's not that far."
"Okay, well text me when you get home I guess. Just so I know you made it safely."
"Whatever."
Dave took off. After a minute, the engine on the white sedan roared to life and drove away too.
—
After that, Dave was a bit friendlier towards Kurt at school. At the very least, he always said "Hi" back when Kurt greeted him in the halls.
"So you g-g-guys are what, friends now?" Blaine asked grumpily.
Kurt shrugged. "Sort of? It's complicated."
"Oh is that your re-re-relationship status on f-facebook?" Blaine retorted. Why is he being so weird about this?
"What? No! Wait…are you…jealous, Blaine?"
Blaine's jaw dropped. "No! Of…of c-course not," he insisted.
"Good! Because trust me, we may have put the past behind us but I'm still revolted by the very idea."
Blaine smiled. "Well that's…something. I j-j-just—it's just—well, I think you're g-g-giving him a free pass j-just because he's gay too. That d-doesn't automatically make him a safe person, Kurt. We have abusers in our c-community just like everywhere else. I wish we lived in-in-in Kumbaya happy rainbow land where the children are free and the gays are full of peace and love, but…it's a f-fantasy."
Kurt let out an exasperated sigh. "Yes, Blaine I know. He's not…he's not like that, okay. You just have to trust me. I've talked to him and…he has his own struggles, okay. That doesn't…it doesn't make him an abuser. It's the furthest thing from the truth, if only you knew…"
"If only I knew wh-what, Kurt?" Blaine asked sharply.
Shit. "Nothing. Just…nothing."
Blaine quirked an eyebrow at him, giving him a penetrating look. "Since when d-d-do we keep secrets from each other? Didn't we promise we w-w-wouldn't do this, Kurt? After Rachel and Finn split up?"
Kurt felt a strange tightness in his chest, like his ribcage might crack in two, and he gasped with the shock of it. No, no, no, no, no! Blaine, no, please don't think that. It's not thatkind of secret! It can't be that kind of secret. I won't let Dave ruin what we have.
Lost for words, he grasped at Blaine's hands desperately, grabbing on as if Blaine might float away if left unanchored.
"Please just...please don't be thinking like that, Blaine. This is nothing to do with us . Do you hear me, nothing! But if you start...I can't...I'm going to lose it if you start thinking that, Blaine. I hate keeping secrets from you but you need to trust me that this is not the kind of secret that is going to get between us, okay? I won't let it as long as you just please trust me. Just give me a little more time and remember I love you...so damn much, okay?"
Blaine's dark eyelashes blinked rapidly and he gave Kurt a blazing look before pulling him in tight. In the safety of Blaine's arms, Kurt let out a single sob. I can't lose you. Please, stay with me, Blaine. Please don't take him away. Kurt didn't know who he was asking…the universe perhaps.
Blaine let out a sigh and pressed soft kisses into his hairline. "I love you too. And I…I t-t-trust you."
Credits: As always, thank you to my own personal Holly Holiday, BlurglesmurfKlaine, whose response to new requests is always, "I thought you'd never ask." Never stop leaving comments that are just all caps profanity and crying emojis!
Esperanto's Stuttering Corner:
I don't have any relevant facts for this chapter but I wanted to share a story that happened recently at school. For the past two years, I worked with a teenage boy with a really severe stutter and while he is very different from Blaine in this story, I did base some elements of this story on him. His stuttering got much more severe after his father died in middle school; while I knew from my classes that big emotional events could trigger the onset of stuttering or an increase in severity it was different to see it in real life. I really enjoyed working with him so I was disappointed when he got moved to another therapist's caseload this year. Luckily, my school is small enough that I see him constantly in the hallways and he always stops to chat. He is also the kid I talked about who hands out letters to his teachers about his stuttering. We had a sort of informal assembly with half the high school and he raised his hand to ask a question. When he was called on, nothing came out for a while. It was really obvious to me that he was blocking but our Dean who was running the meeting missed it or something. He asked him, "Did you have a question?" but of course he wasn't going to be able to answer that either. I hated seeing him rushed to answer when he was already in a challenging speaking situation. So I called out, "Give him a minute." They did and he was able to ask his question. Just a friendly reminder to be patient with people who do things more slowly; they have just as much of a right to take the time they need to express themselves as you do! Free speech is not only granted to those who can do so expediently. *gets off soap box*
Coming up next time: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not being followed."
