Just a warning! This part deals with a very heavy topic. TW for mentions of s*lf h*rm, and s****dal ideation. Please, don't read if you'll be triggered. And, if you or a loved one are in crisis, reach out to your national hotline. They can be found with a quick search on Google.

"Nobody's coming, Yaz." Sonya's voice echoed in the inky black behind Yaz's eyes.

She squirmed, tiredly trying to push the thought away. To throw it back to where it came from.

"You're alone in the dark."

"No!" she shot up, gasping as if she'd been holding her breath. Her eyes flicked around her room, making sure she was where she had fallen asleep. Her door was still closed, shag rug still off-kilter, night light still shining. Everything was as she left it, everything was fine.

She grabbed her phone from the table next to her bed. It was hardly half past three in the morning, which drew an exasperated sigh from her lips.

Yaz scrolled through her Instagram feed, distracting herself with pictures of her grade-school friends and cute animals. But, as much as she tried, the words in her head still bounced faintly in her ears. She felt like she couldn't escape them no matter how hard she tried. Like they would taunt her whenever she was alone, and even when she was around the people she loved. They seemed to want to drag her down into whatever depths they'd come from.

It was just a dream, Yasmin. You're okay. She attempted to reassure herself and battle her own thoughts. Her hands stroked the plush blanket that she was under, letting the feeling draw over any other sense she was experiencing. The brick wall she pictured in her mind was under fire from the thoughts that didn't seem to want to stop coming at her. As a last resort, she reached for her headphones and drowned her thoughts in music as she drifted back to sleep.

The Doctor was fiddling with the TARDIS console when Yaz left her room. She still wore her pajamas as it wasn't a day she had anything planned.

"You slept in," The Time Lord noted to her companion as she rounded the console. "How'd you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess. Woke up around three, but I was able to go back to bed." Yaz yawned.

"Anything in particular that woke you?"

"No, nothing specific. Just woke up too early, is all." she chuckled. She had no intention to tell the Doctor what had woken her up. Not that it was a terrible secret, but just that she didn't want her to worry. There wasn't anything to worry about, anyway. She'd be okay once she'd had time to adjust to consciousness.

Sitting on the stairs in the console room, Yaz watched her friend press buttons and pull levers. She had no idea what they did, but assumed that the Doctor did. Well, hoped, anyway.

"Where are we, Doctor?"

"Somewhere in Sextans A, a little over four million light-years away from Earth. Figured I'd stop somewhere quiet while I work on her." the Time Lord said, referencing the TARDIS.

"Is it safe to sit at the doors?" Yaz asked.

"Yes! Go ahead, Yaz." the Doctor smiled before once again focusing her attention on her ship.

Sat on the edge of the TARDIS floor, Yaz stared into the expanse of space. She used to feel terrified when she did this, but now she found it calming. It was nice, sometimes, to watch distant comets shoot past stars big and small. To feel nothing as her legs swung below her.

This time, though, she couldn't keep from letting her thoughts overcome her. She'd been trying so hard since she woke up in the middle of the night, but for some reason she felt weaker than usual. Flashes of nothing flooded her head, her thoughts coming at her too fast to decipher. She tried to focus on a star, to give herself something that wasn't a part of her to think about.

But, to no avail.

It didn't make any sense. Yaz had been doing well. Good, even. There hadn't been anything that might have influenced this apparent slump. Still, she couldn't stop imagining the same things she'd imagined a few years before. She was so sure that she was finally better, that this wouldn't happen again. What the fuck?

A tear slid down her cheek, unexpected. It was sudden. With a wipe of her hand, Yaz hoped that that would be the only one shed. She didn't know what would happen if she let herself cry. It won't happen, she told herself. The distant stars and bursts of color blurred with the onslaught of unwelcome tears. Everything was becoming too frustrating. She padded quietly back to her bedroom. The Doctor couldn't see her like this.

The door slammed behind her despite her intention to be subtle. Her breath hitched before she let herself fall onto her bed.

Yaz let out a long, wet sob. She didn't understand what was happening, or why it was happening.

"I was doing better!" she yelled hoarsely to the air. Her fists hit the pillows below her. She felt like a stupid kid throwing a tantrum, but she didn't know how else to let her feelings out.

Her comforter and mattress inhaled her cries. The screams she couldn't let loose caught in her throat and threatened to suffocate her. Breaths came and went at an increasing speed as Yaz started to hyperventilate. It was all too much too quick.

Amidst the flooding eyes and stuffy nose, she seemed to remember something that could help. Her doctor had prescribed an as-needed antianxiety medication, for when Yaz needed extra help calming down. Her fingers fumbled blindly around the ground. They landed on her bag, a needed victory. Wasting no time, she dumped the contents next to her to find the small, orange bottle.

When she shook it over her hand, though, nothing fell.

"Fuck!" she rasped in anger.

The bottle flew across the room and collided with the wall. Why was she spiraling so fast? Her thoughts spun around her head as she let go another series of breathy, bitter wails. The world seemed to be unraveling around her. The tatters of whatever she could hold onto were disintegrating in her grasp and it was all she could do to keep the remains in her palms as she broke. All she could discern from her tangled web of thoughts was, why? Why is this happening? Why can't I get a fucking grip?

"Why can't I just die?" she whimpered. The words shocked her. She hadn't expected the thought to be so clear, so sudden, or so desperate. A clarity came when she spoke, which scared her. Her body was taking control while her mind fought to have its way.

Tired feet carried a reluctant Yaz to her bathroom. She felt so disconnected. Like her mind was a few paces back, knowing that nothing good could come of this. There were no longer loud sobs, just silent tears striking the fabric on her shirt.

Though she tried to fight it, she was combing through the cabinet and cupboard for something, anything, that would take her away from the present. Her eyes didn't even focus, she just pulled objects out that seemed like they could distract. I shouldn't be doing this, she thought, having no desire to stop. Cleaning products and first aid tools cluttered the floor around her. They were a barrier to keep her from experiencing the inevitable wave of intense emotional strain. After messily gathering whatever she thought would work, she let herself fall back and lean against the bathtub.

Shaky breaths fought their way in and out of Yaz's mouth. All she could say to herself was, stop, stop, stop, please, stop! She was trapped behind glass while the rest of her body acted on its own. It didn't matter how loud she tried screaming in her mind, her limbs still moved to act out the twisted dream she wanted to forget. Her fingers worked around a weapon she wished would disappear. Nothing was helping, she couldn't stop herself and part of her didn't even want to stop.

"Oh, god," she winced. Despite the pain, relief flooded her body, finally able to focus on something else. Tears blurred her vision again, but she didn't care. She wasn't in control. She was terrified. So terrified that something would happen and she wouldn't be able to reverse it. That she'd succumb to the sick wish running through her head.

She turned her thoughts to the stars she'd seen earlier. A distraction from her horrible distraction. Their white, yellow, and blue lights twinkled behind her eyelids, which shut out the reality she was living. They spun and twirled and pulled in huge chunks of rock. Kind of like small solar systems, a prototype of her own, with tiny moon-sized "planets" and weak orbits. Meteorites flew past them, travelling somewhere new and exciting. Yaz imagined that she was one of them, moving forward to a place away from any thought or action she'd been living with.

She was abruptly pulled from the fantasy with a sharp, shooting pain.

Oh, fuck.

"Shit, shit, shit," she rambled. Her hands hastily grabbed the closest cloth she saw. The panic began to sink in and her head was spinning. Fuck, fuck, what do I do? Her mind shouted, desperate for any solution easy to access.

The only thing in her sight was rubbing alcohol. She snatched it up and struggled to twist the cap off. Her breathing was shallow and quick, her heart was racing. The sobs she'd been holding back surfaced and shoved themselves into the space around her. They were drenched in regret and fear.

The liquid dropped onto the cloth, rapidly soaking through. A strangled, broken scream jumped out of her throat against her will.

Just as she feared, the Doctor came rushing into her bedroom.

"Yaz? Where are you?" she could hear the Time Lord walking around the other side of the room.

She managed to croak a weak, "Bathroom," before beginning to cry again.

The Doctor shouted her name and landed on the floor next to her. Yaz couldn't make out what she was saying, only that it was fast and sounded concerned.

"I'm scared." she weeped as her friend started to scoop her up. Her vision was darkening and she felt woozy and heavy as a boulder.

Her ears fixed on the calming words that the Doctor was speaking as they moved toward the front of the TARDIS. She didn't actually know what was being said, but her voice was soft.

Yaz's head leaned on the Doctor's shoulder and she slipped into unconsciousness.

"Yaz? Yaz, it's me, the Doctor. You can hear me, right?" a worried woman spoke while holding Yaz's hand.

Bright, fluorescent lights bounced off of a blank wall and swaying curtains. Squinting, she realized she'd been brought to A&E.

A raspy whisper left her lips as she asked, "Why aren't we on the TARDIS? Why am I here?"

The Doctor's eyes showed sorrow and concern when she looked at her companion.

"Yaz, you blacked out when I found you. Do you remember?" she waited for a weak nod. "They said you lost a little too much blood," the Doctor's words were strangled as she tried to keep from crying. "You'll be okay, though."

Yaz felt her friend stroke her hand. She held it between both of her own, almost as if she was afraid that if she let go she'd lose her young companion.

"I'm sorry," Yaz breathed.

"You don't need to apologize. If anything it should be me saying sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know. I...I'm so sorry I couldn't help sooner. I'm sorry it came to this."

"It's okay."

"No, Yaz, it isn't. I could've lost you, and I was none the wiser. I wasn't attentive enough, I didn't see that you were struggling. I just…" the Doctor sniffled. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

Yaz met her eyes.

She said, "Doctor, I'm so grateful for you. You were there for me. This wasn't expected and came too quickly, and I didn't want you to worry. I was so frightened about what was happening to me. I didn't feel like myself. It was like someone else was in control, while I sat behind a wall and watched what I did to myself."

The two were now crying softly. It was difficult to speak clearly, but they tried anyway.

"I didn't have a foothold in the world," Yaz said. "Reality was crumbling around me. I felt so lost, Doctor. I hadn't felt that in years. I was convinced I was better for good. But, I guess I'm not."

"Listen, Yaz," the Doctor gave a small smile. "Getting better is such a long process. It's life-long. It takes work, but we can do it. You can do it. I'll always be here to help. You never need to worry about bothering me, love. I'm always going to stand by your side."

The Time Lord planted a kiss on Yaz's forehead. The younger woman smiled weakly, eyes closing. She was tired.

"Sleep well, Yaz. I'll be right here when you wake."