Hey lovlies! My computer will be fixed by friday so you guys will get up to chapter seven before next week! Wohoooo!
This isn't one of my favorite chapter, but i hope you guys don't hate it.
Tell me if you guys hate it so i can see if i can fix it. I would apreciate it
Okay, that's it! Enjoy!
~Geni
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Maya's POV
If there's one thing aside from family that I thrived for growing up; it was honesty. Lies tainted my childhood, and cluttered my teenage years more than I wished to reminisce about. When Josh told me he didn't mean any of the things he said to me all those years ago, I hated him for the first time in my life. The day Josh told me he didn't want me, annihilated my heart. But It assured my brain. I never hated him for telling me the truth. But today he lied to me. He tried to take away that assurance. Sell me pretty words to make up for the guilt he felt. And I resented him for that.
"Maya? Honey, it's Topanga" A light knock filled the room.
"And Riley!"
I wiped away the tears desperately, but I couldn't stop more from falling over. He was right there. Right in front of me. Giving me false hope with gorgeous packaging. And it hurt so much. I wanted to except him so badly. So desperately. It shouldn't hurt this much anymore. I shouldn't feel anything for him anymore.
"Come in" I croaked. Knowing Riley and Topanga weren't a force to be reckoned with seperate, imagine together.
The door burst open-quite dramatically.
"What the hell was that about!?" Riley all but yelled following suit to her mother.
"Nothing"
"Maya," Topanga started, "You need to tell us what that was all about" I sighed, readying myself for the tears to come.
"Before i made my decision on which college I would go to." I shut my eyes, struggling to force the memory from my mind. "It was actually the day we bought our graduation dresses" I said looking up to Riley, who now sat beside me on my bed.
"Jo-Me and." I never really told anyone what happened- sober anyway- between Josh and I. Saying it out-loud made it all the more real.
"Josh and I kissed" I ignored Riley's quiet intake of breath.
Topanga moved forward to sit on the other side of me, brushing my stray hairs away from my face.
"We kissed and it was the most incredible kiss I ever shared. I felt every cell in my body light on fire. We were so close… If we had tried to get any closer we would have been one person...then" I spoke as strongly as I could with the rush of all the emotions I usually don't allow myself to dwell on consumed me completely.
"That was a mistake, Maya" I quoted, "I don't feel anything for you, Maya... You just don't grasp that I don't want to be with you… " i put my hands in my hair, pulling at the strands. "You're just a kid… I want a woman who's strong, independent and beautiful" I looked at Riley and her mother. I could see them struggling to see Josh speak so harshly.
Silence covered the room awkwardly for several minutes before Riley spoke.
"...We could key his car!" she said enthusiastically, looking absolutely serious.
"Riley!" Topanga yelled with disapproval as I let out a choked laugh.
"He sold his car. We could sneak into his apartment and put dye in his shampoo!"
"oh oh! While we're at it we can cut holes in all his beanies" Riley added.
I smiled largely, holding one of each woman's hands.
"I love you guys, you know that?" I spoke meekly.
"Of course, Maya. You're just as much apart of this family than he is"
I just looked up at her silently thanking her with my bloodshot eyes.
"Maya, you are the bravest most passionate girls I know. You have dealt with more disappointments than most people at my age have had to go through. And Josh is an idiot, if he thinks there is someone out there stronger or more beautiful or more self ruling than you" She brought her hands forwards to wipe away my tears.
"Don't waste your tears on someone who doesn't deserve them. I love Josh, Maya. And I love you, like if you were another daughter. I watched grow up, and I watched as you fell in love with that boy, and if i had thought for a second that he would be one that would've hurt you, I would have stopped it. But I didn't know, Maya… I'm sorry, Sweetie." Topanga plead. Asking me for forgiveness, as if it were her fault that my heart fell too hard for someone who watched it shatter.
"You didn't do anything wrong" I whispered.
"We weren't there when the wound was fresh. You needed us, Maya. And we weren't paying enough attention to see the signs. I'm your best friend, I spent that whole summer with you, and I never knew"
"I hid it well" I laughed humorlessly, " I just need you guys now. I don't want to be that pathetic girl he saw. I want to be the girl you see me as Topanga. Because that the person you raised me to be."
"We can stay by you Maya and be there for you. But we can't stop you from loving someone"
"I don't love him anymore" I said quickly.
"I just forget...Who I am, what he did- how he did it! And I don't want to. I refuse to."
"We'll be right here for you, Maya." Riley spoke gently, both of them squeezing my hands in unison. And in that moment I felt the most love and security I've felt since I left for college.
{}
Topanga and Corey spoke in hushed voices several hours after mine and Riley and Topanga's little talk. I knew she was speaking to him about what has occured between Josh and I. It didn't bother me. 'cause as Topanga treated me like a daughter, so did Corey.
We were all preparing the apartment for the lot of guest that were soon to arrive. I wasn't really sure who was coming over. Today, anyway.
Next week a bunch of people were coming to some fancy restaurant down on the lower east side with our family. Lucas was planning on asking Riley to marry him next Thursday. Bring her to the skating rink they went to on their one year anniversary and Riley broke her first bone. The weird little klutz was so excited to get a cast, and Lucas brought her every year to relive the memories and make fun of laughing-gas-Riley.
Guilt wrenched into my belly because she's going to be so happy and I was just sloshing through the motions. Don't get me wrong i was happy for my best friend-for the both of them- I just… Want… what they have...
"IT'S EVA!" A petite little blond girl yelled as she swung the door open suddenly.
"Eva!" Auggie ran from his room and swung her body around, "I thought you didn't get back for another week?" He asked in his newly found deep voice.
Eva was always kind of a meager person, but with Auggie she wasn't as high maintenance. Oh, the high maintenance-ness was still there. But the care she had for him overthrew it.
"HEY GUYS!" She said casually, and Jesus! This girl is abnormally loud. I nearly died laughing as I heard Topanga grumble Eva's name with slight distaste.
"Howdy, Miss Hart!" someone yelled in my direction.
"HUCKLEBERRY!" I all but shrieked as I ran in Lucas's direction.
"Shortstack!" He shouted back wrapping his big arms around my small frame.
"I've missed you Ranger Rick" I spoke quietly. Lucas and I grew closer to siblings than bickering half-friends once we got to highschool. He still held up his 'big brother' attitude; checking up on me regularly, although I lived so far away and usually too busy to call anyone other than Riley and my mom and sean ( By this point in their relationship they somehow morphed into one person). We kept in touch like a brother and sister should.
"Riley tells me you finally got a new car. Was my art not good enough, or something" I smirked.
"Well, M. After nearly five years with 'Texan whore' scratched onto my doors, i think it's time for a change. We all laughed loudly remembering his face when he saw it (It's not like I had it recorded his reaction or anything) (A/N: she did ;p)
"What, no hug for The Farkle?" I heard another familiar voice say in mock-exasperation.
"Holy shit! Farkle!" Everyone turned in the direction of the door, wide eyed and clearly excited.
It had been a full years since any of us saw Farkle. A year after graduation he got married and went off to some expedition that required limited outside interactions. Meaning we only got calls or visits' on holidays and birthdays.
I squeezed his sides tightly before letting everyone else greet him as well.
I really didn't notice how much I missed my friends. Instantly feeling guilty for making them reach out to me instead of vise versa.
"How are you, Maya?" He smirked his Farkle smirk as him and Riley finished hugging.
"I'm fine" I smiled brightly as we all migrated to the living room. Now I am. With all of you.
"How's the missus?" I asked, "Still brainwashing her into being with you?" I looked down at his ring, placed securely on his left hand ring finger.
Farkle sighed, trying to hide his smile. Sometimes I wondered if he had brainwashed someone in the past, and he was just remembering when he smiles at this constant joke.
"I assure you Smakle is doing very well."
"She won't pick up any of my phone calls, is something wrong with her cell?" Riley randomly yelled from the kitchen.
"I think she's gravid" He responded, though he looked as if he were speaking to the whole room rather than to just Riley.
Gravid must mean sick or something. Must of us just guested around his words, finding terms that fit the context.
"Oh my God, Farkle!" Topanga finally spoke bringing the lanky boy up and hugging him tightly. I was confused. As I looked around the room so were Corey, Riley, Auggie and Lucas. ( Eva was playing with her nails)
"Umm. Perhaps in English?" I asked sarcastically.
"Pregnant!" Topanga cried.
"Oh my God"'s ran throughout the room. Everyone making their way back to Farkle.
I sat frozen for a moment before I eventually regained control over my legs and face. Before anyone took notice in my frown, I smiled brightly and brought him into another hug, congratulating him wholeheartedly.
Farkle and Smakle were gonna have a kid.
Lucas was planning on proposing to Riley.
Auggie and Ava were nearing their 2 years officially dating ( not counting their childhood years)
And I was…
"I'm not completely sure if she is gravid. It just seems as so. Her emotions have been amusingly scattered and her stomach seems to upset her enough. I mean, she's not excessively vomiting but it tends to bother her more often than usual." He began to smile softly, staring off into space. " And she looks even more beautiful than usual. Don't they say Pregnant women glow?" He asked. We all laughed at his blissed-out expression. I've never seen him so happy.
"Yeah, Farkle they glow" Lucas spoke. Pating his bud on the back. He then looked at Riley and I suddenly remembered why I decided to go so far away for school.
I shut my eyes tightly, trying hopelessly to keep Josh's big hazel eyes from my mind. Demanding my brain not to think of all the times I got lost in his eyes. All those times I was sure there was love staring back at me, despite the things he would say about our ages. Their was so much love surrounding me, and while it should have made me feel happy, it just battered up my heart further. Because i knew then as I know now. I won't be loved that way, or love another enough for them to love me the way my family loved each other. The way Riley breathed to the rhythm of Lucas's heart. How Corey hung on every word Topanga said. How Farkle nearly worshiped Smakle, and would soon their child.
And as much as i tried to lie to myself, the truth is I don't desire to resent my wonderfully weird family for loving in a way i'll never achieve again… And it hurt so bad.
"Well, lets go out for a drink and celebrate!" I suggested, needing the excuse for alcohol.
"I'm down" Responded Lucas, and everyone else nodded along.
Thank God
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After my 5th shot the words were tumbling out of my mouth like water. And the Anger began to come in waves. It was just me, Riley and Topanga left. Everyone else had left close to an hour ago due to personal reasons like; work (Lucas); Be with their wife that may or may not be "Gravid" (Farkle) Be with their fourteen year old son who was alone with his girlfriend at home (Corey).
"Maya" Riley slurred, much more drunk than I felt.
"Yeah?"
"You love him"
"No I don't, Riley", I mumbled. But everything just sounded like I was underwater. I'm not even sure it sounded like anything. I don't want to think. Especially about what Riley was starting.
"You'vve alwayz loved him. Siincce beefor We eben kneww wahat love wass" I breathed deeply. Alcohol, for some reason amplifies my anger.
"I don-"
"I know that I love him. I've always known!" I seethed, tired of holding in tears, I was tired of letting the dam burst and actually crying. I wanted to be angry.
"That's what hurts so goddamn much. That nothing has been able to make me stop. And all I really want is for this-this… Agony, this insecurity. This heartache! to go away!" Topanga took my hand and brought me someplace quieter.I laughed bitterly at myself. Frustrated tears pooling in my eyes. "Everytime I say that, I believe it… For a second" I turned towards some mirror in the tiny room. Taking notice that it's a bathroom.
I stared at myself. Disgusted. I'm still that pathetic little girl.
"But I know that all I really want is to have him. For him to have wanted me all those years ago. For me not to want the things i'm sure I can't have. But it's true. I want those things"
"I've never stopped loving Joshua Mathews, and I don't know if I can"
"Maya…"
"I want to stop loving him" I was so lost. I was fine in California, almost happy even. Ignoring any thoughts of Josh my mind would cross, but it's different back home. I just can't deal with loving him anymore.
The truth is... I don't know if I can.
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Hope it wasn't as bad as I feel it was, Tell me what you guys think.
Really hoping it didn't suck, please let me know.
See you guys in a few days.
~Geni
