Okay I don't even know how to begin.
First off please no-one hate me! I will refrain from attempting to explain myself that way in too much detail so you can get to the next chapter quicker.
Everyone: It's been nearly a freaking year, Genesis!
I know, I know and i am so so so so SORRY! But it's been one hell of of a year and i don't mean that lightly and making my first fic such an important one in one of the most stressful years of my educational career was not my brightest idea. I had way way WAY too much to do to be updating in a way that gave you guys a worth the read fic. When i write i HAVE to give it 110% and thats why i love it so much when you guys give me your opinion and such and i am solemnly swearing to post at the very latest once a week! It's going to be an interesting build since I've had time to view my original docs and how i originally wanted this to go and how ill be changing it.
So i hope that you guys aren't too upset with me and are willing to continue on this LONG OVERDUE journey.
Alright lovlies, Enjoy!
~Geni
Josh's POV
I can vividly recall my mother saying; "The only two things that will come free to you, Josh is love and hope". A small smile playing at her lips. Turning around to serve a plate of dinner. Or consoling me after a lost game, reciting this simple quote. I took solace through that one statement. That single absolute that my mother held all faith in. Growing up, I had never doubted its honesty. Maybe if you had asked me yesterday I would still feel its sincerity. But after seeing her. After witnessing the destruction i caused, after hearing the proclamation of that pain...I know that it's the biggest load of shit i'd ever heard.
Hope is a con and Love costs you everything.
I've been standing outside of Corey's apartment building for nearly an hour just thinking about what i might walk into. Was she even still up there?
It's easy to be determined to do something. In my case; win Maya Hart' love back. The hard part is succeeding. Again, in my case: not getting beat by said beautiful conquest and live happily ever after with her.
All I've ever wanted since i could remember was to be with Maya. For her to be just a bit older, or me just a smidge younger. But right here, right now, with my heart on a mission and the bloodchilling need to have her, coursing through me, i can hear the faint voice of reason repeating in a low voice: "3 years...3years...3years"
A frustrated yell erupted from deep in my chest as I paced back and forth, running a desperate hand through my hair.
How do you stop following a belief that you've branded into your skin? How am I supposed to convince her into falling for me when i can hardly accept my own emotions.
The matter of knowing what I want and accepting it or two separate entities entirely. It's not like i forgot my initial reasoning behind turning Maya down so many times, or the relentless beating down of my instincts that demanded otherwise.
Maya shouldn't be subjected to having to catch up to me. That age gap will always be there. There is nothing i can do to change that. And i don't want her to feel like she constantly has to be keeping up with appearances.
She's so perfect and i'm so… me. Undecided at every elevation. Unprepared by all standards and utterly hopeless.
Snap the fuck out of it, Matthews!
You've wanted this girl-woman, for the majority of your existence. Are you really gonna let her go without a fight?
"ughhh" I groaned, staring at the lobby door. What the actual hell am I doing? Am i honestly gonna make this mistake again. Ive lived without Maya Hart for far too long. Why would I want to go back to such a bleak and meaningless life, when adventure and beauty was breathing and within my grasp in the building directly in front of me?
I wouldn't!
Before I could really register what was happening my legs were guiding me into the lobby. The journey to my brothers apartment blurred into the background as the nerves ate at my skin. My hands shaking with anxiety as i rung Corey's doorbell.
"You can do this. You're Josh Mathews. I can do thi-" Suddenly two large hands were pulling me in by my biceps. And Corey had me pinned to the closest wall by the door.
"You're gonna tell me exactly what you did to Maya. Now, Josh" he all but growled at me.
"Core" I gasped, "Calm down"
"No. I wanna know right now. What did you do to my kid?"
"Corey. I need you to take a breath and let go of me" His grip shifted to the collar of my shirt clutching venomously.
Without a word telling me I best start talking. And with a sigh i looked down defeated.
"I broke her"
Four glasses of whiskey later, Corey and I were sitting at his dining room table finishing the tale of the dumbest man alive.
"So basically," Corey began, pausing dramatically. "you're a fucking idiot"
"Corey!" I shouted. Although the man was much more liberal than he seemed, swearing was a no-no. I don't think I ever heard him say anything worse than damn or hell.
"Look, your my little brother. And I love you. But i'm not sorry. You're a Godforsaken idiot. How could you think th-" Suddenly I find myself pushing up from the table to stand. "Don't you think that I could go without this overwhelming peptalk, Core!?" I yelled. "Yes. I'm a damn fool. But you don't understand! Okay!? To have your heart pound and hate you for watching her walk away. To force meaningless words through grit teeth and watch what it does to the girl of your dreams. My heart wrecked. All the goddamn while your brain is demanding it! Telling you it's the right thing to do." My breaths began to come out jagged and desperately. Oblivious as to how i'm supposed to word this.
"It tortured me for years that all that I had to do- all that I fucking needed to do was hold her in my undeserving arm, have one single beautiful, Maya flavored kiss." I slowed. My voice lowering and my tears streaming. "It would have erased every lie I ever told her…It would've…" I wiped the tears away forcefully, looking at my big brother and being assaulted by the pity etched into the crevices of his wrinkles
"Don't tell me i'm an idiot…" I trailed off. She already knew and that was the only person alive who's opinion mattered to me anymore.
"I just…" I brought my hands up to tear at my hair. Desperate. Scared. " I just don't know anything but how that i want her. H-How much I crave her, her- Her everything" I looked down on my brother. Pathetically asking with my eyes for some sort of advice.
"I'd happily set fire to the entirety of New York if it meant that she would smile at me." Corey downed the rest of his drink quickly in one gulp before looking into my eyes and rising to stand directly in front of me. "I just want her to smile at me, Corey. It's all I want."
"You're my brother. And I love you," He repeated. " But I do not consent to you pursuing Maya. And not because of some ridiculous 3 year gap that has hardly held any significance since she was 17. But because that girl has been through enough shit without you fucking her up any further." My eyes grew wide and my throat closed up at his confession. "She has too much going on right now. I will not have you playing with her, Josh." Too much going on? What's going on with Maya that I don't know about?
Before I could even think to open up my mouth to respond, the front door swung open. A nearly unconscious Maya Hart was being practically carried by both my niece and my sister in law. And somehow still looking eerily gorgeous.
My legs once again working on their own accord, as I rushed to their sides. My arms instantly wrapping around my Maya's waist. Lifting her into a bridal carrier position. Weak protests spoken by a rather intoxicated Riley Soon followed.
"Josh?" Maya mumbled.
"Shhh" I soothed. Trying to lull her fully to sleep. My free hand pushing stray golden curls from her heart-shaped face. Most likely my only chance at memorizing her very detailed before she's lucid enough to throw me aside.
"I'll take her to bed" I speak dazed. Being this close to her was intoxicating. Addictive. Every inch of skin that touched her was set aflame. She sat me on fire. And I adored her for it. Cursing myself once again for being so stupid all those years ago. Once again causing me to wonder how I went so long with seeing her. As well as how I was going to survive once she left.
"Josh" Corey and Tapanga said together, in a warning tone.
"I'm just putting her to bed" I whispered, eyes still trained on the most fascinating woman alive. Alive and in my arms. And God! Did it feel good.
I calmly walked her to her bedroom. After some maneuvering I was able to open the door without waking up Maya. Gently placing her beneath the covers, watching her squirming until she found a position she found most comfortable.
I sat beside her for several moments after I covered her up. Staring knowing it must be creepy to outside viewers but unable to muster the ability to care. She would never allow me to do this any other way.
"I would give anything for you not to hate me...To love me again." I whispered into the quiet room. "I'll find a way convince you, Gorgeous. 'Swear I will"
After a minute my lips found her cheek. Putting the truth to all my lies within that four second peck. Rising without tearing my eyes away before I began to walk to the door, reaching for the knob.
"I don't hate you, Josh." My head snapped back looking at the now seated Maya. She looked down at her comforter never meeting my eyes. And I was unsure I was grateful or disappointed by it.
"But?" My voice cracked. Her eyes finally reaching mine, hope wrapping it's warm hands around my heart.
"But…" She whispered, "But, I'll never love you again."
