chapter 2:nightmares
which one is the real nightmare?
the images your head shows you?
or the reality you have to live in?
???
shinji woke up to a pounding sound on the door..."come on you idiot!we are gonna be late!"shinji groaned."why does asuka always have to be so bossy?
wait.
asuka?
shinji sat up,he was in his bed,on misato's apartment,shinji shot up from his bed and dashed to the door,when he opened the door up,he nearly crashed on his other roomate."what the hell!?!"asuka shouted,surprised by her roomates nearly busting through the door open.
"asuka?"shinji asked,not believing in his eyes..."yeah idiot...look gonna make breakfast or what?"asuka walked off.shinji was baffled...how could he be back?was it all a dream?just a horrible nightmare?
asuka turned around again."hey!"this got shinji out of his confusion."and you better not forget the bento again,or i'll pound you for making me starve."asuka turned around again,heading to the kitchen."oh" he didn't know what to say or do...he just standed there with confusion writem all over his face."guess it was all a dream..."
a couple minutes later
asuka looked like she was enjoying her breakfast,but shinji couldn't rub off the nagging at back off his head,as he played with his food."something is not right..."shinji whispered.
"what is it?"asuka asked,shinji jumped a little bit,she heard me,shinji didn't intended for asuka to hear that,but if she heard might as well..."...hey asuka..."asuka looked up curious about what he was about to say."hmm what is it idiot?"same old nick name...better than brat i think."i wanna ask you something..."asuka looked a little amused by this."if you're asking for me to do the dishes,you can forget about it."...he he...somethings never change."is not that...is because i feel like something is wrong,like something is of-"
"HELLO LITTLE LOVE BIRDS!"asuka and shinji jumped at this,misato appeared out of nowhere."MEIN GOTT!you're gonna give us a heart attack!"misato got a big grim on her face."oooow~ so you're starting to think about shinji's well-being?"misato teased,yep that was the old misato...shinji looked at misato then at asuka...she was blushing."i only care about his health because i need a little help with the angels!"asuka exclamated."ooow i thought you two would be all lovey-doveyy for each other~"asuka was red and shinji felt his face burning."as if!"asuka shouted.
shinji saw the two argueing,he really was back,at the apartment,the life he threw in the garbage for eva,it was all back...it was such a blissful sight to behold,funny... asuka even said she nee-.
wait a second..."asuka..."his roomate glared at him."what!?"she looked still a little heated up from the argument."did you just say you 'needed' me to fight the angels?"asuka looked puzzled."yeah of course,i need help with those things."this is wrong...asuka is too much prideful to admit that she needs 'help' with something,especially fighting in eva!
shinji got up,knocking the chair hard on the ground,asuka and misato looked at him puzzled."what is it shinji?"misato asked."this is wrong!IT'S ALL WRONG!"shinji screamed."what is it you idiot?you starting to sound like you're gonna loose it."shinji was more and more paranoic by the second."YOU SAID YOU NEEDED HELP WITH THE EVA!"asuka backed off a little."yeah...so what?"asuka said sheepishly."YOU NEVER ASK FOR HELP!ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO EVA!"shinji was practically shouting at this point."shinji calm down,you need to relax."misato said.
shinji noticed another thing,misato never was a morning person,and she always,ALWAYS would fetch a cold beer in the fridge's door."AND YOU!"shinji screamed pointing at misato."WHY ARE YOU NOT DRINKING!?"misato looked scared."i-i'm trying to lay off the beer..."
. . .
"lay off the beer..."shinji sank back to his chair,that does it,this was not real,misato out of nowhere deciding to stop drinking?"this is a dream..."shinji looked at the fork in front of him,he snatched it,he put his hand on the table,and raised the fork in the air,now misato and asuka where freaking out."shinji!what are you doing!?"misato screamed."stop that you idiot!you're gonne hurt yourself!"asuka was far away from the table with her back to the fridge.
this is not real,it can't be real...it's just that damned tree messing with me!"oh god let this be a dream...or this is REALLY gonna hurt..."shinji prayed to whatever god that was looking at him now."well..."shinji was breathing pretty fast from the fear of having a kitchen fork driven through his hand."here goes nothing!"shinji brought the fork down with all his force.
"shinji!"misato shouted.
"stop that you idiot!"asuka screamed...then
nothing.
no pain,just the feeling of his empty fist hitting his hand...when shinji opened his eyes,the fork was gone..."so...it's really just a dream..."shinji said alivieated that he didn't just hurt himself,but also sad that this was all in his head.
"as it would be..."a voice...a very familiar voice."kaworu?"shinji looked at the source of the voice of his deceased friend...and there he was laying against the kitchen's door frame."hello there shinji ikari..."it was really him."kaworu..."shinji started to tear up a little,the last time he saw his best friend,was when his head-
FLASH
shinji hunched over,holding one hand on his mouth,and the other trying to find support on the tabble."oh yes..."kaworu looked at him,pleased at his reaction."you don't like this fantasy of your 'perfect day'."kaworu leaned over the blank faced asuka."i think you rather have this reality."kaworu held his hand up in a 'finger snapping' motion."dont you..?"kaworu looked at him with an evil grim.
snap
then it showered shinji,all of the thing's he's done,eva 03 fight,asukas hospitalization,abandoning eva,hiding,watching as the 10th angel consumed unit-0 along with rei,his failed fight with the angel,unit-01 awakening,third impact..."STOP...PLEASE!NO MORE!"shinji was crouched holding his head,trying to stop the voices and the events all around him."ALL I WANT IS TO FORGET ALL OF THIS!"shinji screamed.
"why?"kaworu asked,shinji looked up,all the sounds stoping...the only thing heard in the back ground was the destruction of third impact."didn't you want the real thing?this is the reality you have."kaworu had half a smirk on his face,no...that wasn't his friend,kaworu would never enjoy the suffering of another living being,shinji looked up at his unit-01 above in the sky shining red,like a monster out of an apocalyptic nightmare.
"who the hell are you!?"shinji was not having any of this,this thing taking his friends form,and staining his image with that grim façade..."oh I AM enjoying this believe me..."shinji was surprised,could he hear his thoughts?"we are inside your head...obvious i can listen to you..."shinji got up,angrily asking."WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?"the thing smirked even more,the smirk looking something out of a horror movie."to prove a point..."
"a...point?what kind of point is in torturing me with the images of m-m-m-"the thing made a puppet hand gesture,acting dumb"mah mah mah...your failure?"that pained shinji,he knew his failure in protecting his friends and the world,but that didn't mean it was easier swallowing that statement."well let's be honest...instead of you owning up to your mistakes,you hide like a child...scared of the world out there,so much so you had this..."the thing showed him his old cassette player."but...as far as i know..."the thing threw the cassette player in the air,and the old music player got in the hand of a stressed shinji ikari,who threw it by it's ear buds against the door out of frustration,they were both now staring at a scene,of the third child stressed and desperate by his situation.
"you took your first step out of your little safe zone into the 'wild world',you know i actually thought for a second that you would stop letting people dictate what you should or not do,or how you should act,by destroying one of the few things that tied you to your old man and your little world of fantasies,were you hide from the real world...but."the thing turned around,shinji looked behind him,the scene changing to the inside of a dark entry plug,with a catatonic shinji ikari in fetal position.the thing sighed."you ran yet again from reality,trying to avoid facing your responsibility."shinji was angry by this thing's audacity,was he calling me a coward?
"well yes...i am...you fit right in the definition of a coward."shinji shouted"i'm not a coward!i know what i did!isn't that enough?!"the thing smirked again."knowing and facing are two different things child,you know what you did,but every time you were forced to face the consequences of your actions,you just start whining like a baby,complaining about your hard life..."the thing started to walk to him in long and prideful steps."and you try to hide too,thinking that if you ignore the situation long enough,it will disarm itself,and you have the AUDACITY of saying you're not a coward...third child."
FLASH
his fathers face...he hated that face,the face of the man that used him and took all away from him."you know...he's not the only one to blame,did you try looking yourseld in the mirror?"the thing was within arms reach now,shinji was shaking out of anger and fear,what does he want?
"i want you to suffer,so i can be freed from the shackles of your weak morals,so i can feel the freedom and get out of the darkest side of your soul,because by pain you will adapt and over come,you will stop to care for others and do as you please,finally enjoying more of a life without restrains!"the thing cherished to the skyes,overcome with joy at the thought of it's freedom,but freedom from what?
as if on cue everything got dark,the thing started to twitch and blend into the darkness around it.
shinji took a step back,scared of what would happen.
"i Am...tHe dARkeSt thOUghTS iN yOur MiNd..."
a scene of shinji imagining him mauling his father alive,after the dummyplug incident .
flash
"no..."shinji shook his head.
"I aM...YouR DarKESt DeSIRes..."i don'tcare what happens to the world!" "stop it..."
"i AM YOuR deEPesT seCrETS..."shinji looking at touji and kensuke from inside unit-01 during the 5th atack,i could crush those two..."no..."i could just crush those two for what they did,then make an excuse."SHUT UP!!!WHO ARE YOU?!?!"shinji screamed at the top of his lungs,wheezing he looked forward.
looking at himself siting inside the eva,his doppelganger closed it's eyes,turning it's head towards him...a grim started to form, then it turned into a smirk with yellow pointed teeth.
. . .
it's eye's opened...
"oh GOD..."
revealing two orbs of pure darkness with red dots for eyes.
. . .
"I aM YoU"the thing then laughed a demonic laughter,shinji lost it and started to scream trying to hide somewhere...
but there was nowhere else to go...
. . .
help me...
jssdf old headquarters 40 minutes ealier...
asuka looked at the destroyed jssdf head quarters,it also didn't escape the wrath of third impact,but maybe one of the bunkers could be intact...asuka walked at the bunker.
"tsk...eletronic locks,how the hell am i gonna-"asuka looked at the wires leading to a higher place on the jssdf camp."maybe the electricity still works?"
asuka climbed the stairs to the construction that would 'hopefully' be a working power station,but as asuka climbed,she saw a failure of infinity holding on for dear life not to fall down the mountain side,it was not alive,it was just...hanging there lifeless.
she saw what it was holding on...a structure that used to feed the whole camp with eletricity,asuka was aliviated,now her only wish would be that the station would ACTUALLY work,she took a peek at the device to measure the L-density in the air."it's good enough,the team can comepick us up...hopefully the brat didn't wonder off to a denser part of the barrier..."
asuka got inside...but there was another obstacle...the failure of infinite was holding one of the engines of the generator,"of course it has to be more complicated,how the hell am i gonna make it work now-"
asuka saw a arsenal of ammunition and explosives on her way here...maybe she could use the explosives...after all,the core like structure was less dense than concrete,she could blow the hand off.
surroundings of the mountains of tokyo-2
rei ayanami didn't know why she felt that he needed her,she didn't know why she was taking action without orders...all she knew was that he was in pain...and that she wanted to help him."why...why am i so worried about ikari."
she remenbered the last time they spoke,he seemed upset that she was not 'his ayanami',"i am not rei ayanami...then who am i?"rei wondered.
she remenbered that she was designed with 2 purposes only,pilot the eva and follow orders,she remenbered the red pilot of wille and her words on the eva while the fourth impact happened.
"how should i know?!what will YOU do?!"
she ejected,because something in her was wrong...that feeling on the pit of her stomach,she didn't like that feeling,all she knew was that she wanted to help ikari to stop feeling the pain he was displaying on their long journey.
flash back
it was night time,ayanami was ready to sleep when out nowhere-
whimper
"again?"asuka looked at the third child and saw him crying in his sleep,scratching at the sleeping bag,desperate for help,like he was agonizing.
rei stared,amused by that scene.
"is he gonna be okay?"
asuka looked at the ayanami type, surprised to see the thing showing concern,as far as she knew the thing only knew how to breath and walk."yeah...he'll be fine...a nightmare doesn't kill anyone..."
"nightmare?"rei asked confused,she never heard that word before.
asuka was not in the mood to explain but...she knew the brat wouldn't stop crying for a while,so...she decided to entertain the clone,"nightmares are images you see in your dreams,visions that you don't want to see or-"
CRASH
"AAAAAAAH!"
"or remenber..."asuka said holding her patched eye.
"is it a bad thing to have nightmares?"rei asked again,confused by the word.
asuka smiled at that question."yeah...most people hate to have nightmares,and every time they have..."
she looked at shinji,tears running down his face."well...you can look at the brat for an example..."she said pointing at the third child.
"why do you call him that?"rei asked.
"hmmm?"
"..'brat'..why do you call ikari that?"rei was confused by the nickname the red pilot called the third child.
"tsk...because he acts like a spoiled brat,he wants everything done his way,if not he'll just throw a tantrum."asuka still remenbered the fight in central dogma,he didn't listen to her...now look at what happened...
rei looked confused at the ikari boy."can't we do anything to help?"she asked curious.
"heh...no we can't...besides"asuka turned on her sleeping bag."i think he needs that...to learn a lesson."
"...what lesson?"
. . .
"that..."
end of flash back
"...he can't hide forever"rei muttered those same words...what's he hiding from-
BOOM
ayanami looked behind her to see a failure of infinite laying on a crater...smoke coming off it's hand..."..."
she started marching to were she believed ikari was"i need to help him..."
back at jssdf head quarters
asuka searched for an hour for the explosives,the detonator,and another hour trying to make the damn generator work,but it was all worth it,the generator by some sort of miracle worked.
she hurried to the bunkers,after opening the door she saw an radio emanating static,she turned the button,putting the headset near her ear,searching for wille emergency channel."come on...COME ON!"
static
. . .
"this is an emergency channel of wille,if you are a survivor please respond..."
"hello!this is captain shikinami!pilot of eva unit dash-02! do you hear me?!"asuka shouted into the mic.
"...shikinami?..."
back at the wunder
"colonel karsuragi!"shouted one of bridge techs.
"what is it?"
"emergency channel!is pilot shikinami she's in the old jssdf quartes in tokyo-2!"shouted the bridge tech just receiving the information.
"asuka...is the 3rd child with her?"misato asked,if he's alive she'll have him secured for extraction.
. . .
"negative!she says the 3rd disappeared during the travelling they made to the base."
"damn it!we need to find him asap...send an helicopter with an extraction team...we need to find the 3rd child,after finding shikinami,the extraction team will help asuka search for him!"misato shouted,this is not good,if he disappeared again something happened.
"right!"shouted the technician.
"what do you think happened for him to go missing all of a sudden?"ritsuko wondered herself that question.
"i don't know..."misato said."but...-
mountain's near tokyo-2
"i got a bad feeling about this...
shinji started to wake up to a morning sky,the sun high above."man what a nightmare,i hope it was the last..."but shinji's vision started to get less blurry,and he could see a black silhouette above him...
"did you have another nightmare?"rei asked.
. . .
"what are you doing?"shinji now noticed she was giving him a lap pillow,while her hand was resting on his head."i thought because you were sleeping on the floor,this would be the best course of action,to try and avoid any discomfort your neck may find in the future.
"right...but...why?"shinji got up and looked at her,why is she trying to be nice?as far as he knew she was clueless about anything.
"as i said...i only felt like that would the best course of action."rei said looking at him...same old blank face.
"besides..."she got up.
" what the red pilot said to me during our battle in central dogma,made me want to start making my own decisions..."rei said looking at the way she came from.
"okay..."well at least now she's starting to sound like...wait.
"what happened to me?"shinji said looking around,the last thing he remenbered before the nightmares was the...
"tree..."shinji looked around everything seemed the same but...
the only distinguishable tree was...red,he looked around franatically,"but what about the pond?!"shinji asked starting to hyper ventilate.
"...you mean that one?"rei pointed at a red pond with the same size as the one he drank from.
"no...it can't be...the water was crystal clear when i drank from it..."shinji sank,i really am starting to loose it.
"but the tree dropped me a-"rei cut him off as if she knew what he would say."a red leaf?"
"yeah but how can you...?"shinji started to get more and more confused,this has to be another dream,he looked at his thumb.
*bite*
"AAAAAHH- okayokay,this not a dream."shinji said rolling around holding his bitten thumb.
rei looked at him,a little upward twicht on her lip,"a failure of infinite fell from a mountain last night,i think that's what caused the leafs to fall and everything to shake."she said pointing to where she came from.
"then...everything that happened last night."shinji looked like he couldn't believe himself,he really thought that a divine tree was taking pitty on him.
"so...where's asuka?"shinji asked,looking at the 'ayanami'.
"asuka..?"rei asked confused.
"oh yeah,you don't know her name yet...she's the 'red pillot'."
"she was heading to a military facility,before i went looking for you,she said,'when you find him...tell him he'll be sorry when i get my hands on him'..."ayanami tried her best to sound just like the 'asuka'.
shinji shivered,he already tried to avoid the old asuka's wrath,now he could only imagine the world of hurt the new asuka would give him.
"well...i don't care...after all,i have nothing else to loose,neither do i have a purpose..."shinji said,walking through the forest,ayanami following close behind him.
ayanami remained silent,she really didn't know what to say...
"and to top it all off,i think i am gonna get locked up for my last little 'stunt'.."shinji said trying to joke about it,but regreting right after the headache started again,that's what i get for joking about that...
"who will lock you up?"ayanami asked curious.
"...misato,ritsuko...wille..."shinji said in a melancholic way,after all he didn't deserve to live,he took everything from everyone,as far as he knew,he was just like his father...
he remenbered what fuyutsuki said.
"your father is giving everything up to be reunited with your mother...even his soul..."
shinji took the photo out of his back pack,the photo of his mother and him,even back then i was just a scared little bo-"aaaaah!"
thump
"what now..?"shinii said,his face planted into something flat and hard.
"you fell..."rei said in a matter of fact.
"thank you,but...i think i know that part already..."shinji got up dusted himself,he tripped on a rock and fell down a little cliff to a main road.
this road had a beatiful view of the sea...well,as beatiful as it got...he remenbered this road,even if the ocean was still red back then,he enjoyed the times he saw the sunset on that road.
ayanami followed carefully after the 3rd child,she was a little taken back by the view.
shinji looked at her speechless face,"you know...when i look at such a sight as this,i just can't help but remenber.."shinji said to ayanami with a little happiness on his eyes.
ayanami curious about that asked,"remenber what?"
"the more simple times,me,asuka,misato,the original you
...my friends..."shinji didn't like talking about the past,it made him wonder how his friends met their ends during 3rd impact.
"the...original me.."ayanami heard about the original her,but unitl now,all she heard was something from the other pilot of wille.
"she was way more fun...".
shinji looked at her curious,"what makes you say that..?"
"i heard from one of the pillots,during the fight in central dogma."shinji now started to wonder what made her start to act more like a curious...semi-normal person."well...she was..."
"a little more open,at the beginning...she acted just like you...but as time passed she got more and more used to talking to another people."shinji closed his eyes,she was a clone of his mother,she was one of maybe a thousand that were made during these 14 years...
drip
ayanami now saw him...crying?
but as far as he knew...she was still his friend,even though 'she didn't have a soul',she was another person deserving a chance of happiness in this life,he still saw her as the shy girl that loved books and tried to reunite him and his father.
"i miss her..."shinji brushed away the tears,"i only wonder what she would say at a point like this..."she would smile and tell him that everything is alright..?
or she would hate him like everyone else for destroying the world?
"but.."shinji looked at ayanami,"if she is rei ayanami...then who am i?"shinji gave it a little thought after brushing away the rest of his tears,"you technically are her...but...i don't know how to say it...you don't act like her...you are different from her...you are-" shinji stopped mid sentence.
he had an hipiphany,she was technically rei ayanami,she just didn't know how to act or was never teached how to...maybe...just maybe he could teach her how he teached the original rei how to smile and enjoy life.
"well...maybe i can show you.."shinji smiled at her,showing an open palm,"what is...that?"ayanami looked curious at shinji's open palm,confused by the gesture,"is an invitation,maybe i can show you that not everything needs to be orders,that maybe...you can take your own decisions."
"okay..."ayanami took his hand and shinji walked to where he remenbered was the beach near tokyo-2,i don't have anything else to do,so maybe i can teach her how to enjoy life...
...even if she's not rei...
jssdf base
asuka just called wille,they were on france...they would take almost 2 days to come,she had to wait for them..."i wonder...if the doll found the brat."should've told her to bring him back if she found him..."could they actually be-
asuka shaked those thoughts out of her head,"as if...one is a catatonic near suicidal boy,and the other is a doll,none of them are gonna try anything funny."asuka layed down again,staring at the blue sky...
oh yes...i forgot about one thing..."the brat is gonna have a heart attack when she starts to melt..."the ayanami series are not made to last,if one doesn't take a recovering lcl bath every 3 days or so...they waste away...
i wonder how he will act...
. . .
nah...nothing to worry about...besides
he's not attached to her anyway...
shinji was playing on the road rails like his fingers were walking,"...what are you doing?"asked rei amused by the ikari boy actions,"i am enjoying myself...why don't you give it a try?"rei looked at her hand,"how do i do that?"shinji walk up to her and took her hand,"simple."the put her hand on the rail of the road,with her in index and middle finger up liket was standing up,"now you play like your hand is walking..."
rei ayanami didn't know what the purpose of this was but...she felt something when she did that,this was..."fun..."she did this following ikari close behind,she also saw his hand in the air like it was jumping...she did that too,she liked this activity...this was a fun activity.
"the beach is just up ahead,i think you are gonna like it."shinji remenbered the beach,his old teacher brought him there once because the summer was unbearably hot,shinji played a lot and...learned that sunscream is no joke,he still remenbered how much it hurt...
"here we are!"rei saw it was...red,just like everything else..."i do not see what's so special about this place."shinji looked disappointed,he wanted her to see the oh so clear sand,and the rocks,but this will have to do.
"come on you're gonna love it."shinji was really trying to make her smile,he showed her the water...he did it far away because he didn't want to dive yet again in lcl...he tried to mold the sand into a castle only to find the sand now had a very different texture.
"oh,i know!"shinji got up and dragged ayanami with him,"come on i know one thing that'll impress you!"rei followed"oh... okay."she was quite...amazed by how much the boy was dedicated to teach her how to 'enjoy life'.
shinji climbed a hill to where there was an edge,he sat there,"come on sit down,is almost time."rei did as she was told,"what time is almos-"rei looked ahead,the sun was setting,it made her amazed,"it's...it-"shinji cutted her mid sentence,"beautiful?"rei nodded,she never saw anything like this at nerv.
"everytime,i look at this scene,i find myself smiling..."shinji looked at rei,she was...impressed..."fair enough..."shinji sighed,it was not a smile but,it'll do.
"ikari..."this got shinji attention,"what is it ayanami?"rei looked at him confused,"why are you showing me this?"shinji looked ahead as in thought,"well...i think is a way of saying thank you,you took care of me when i was laying on the ground,alone."shinji looked at her with a smile on his face,"and...i think you deserve a chance to see this,i think you never experienced anything like his before...and i feel bad for you being used for god knows how long..."
"i still don't understand..."rei said looking ahead"well...how about this?"shinji took ayanami hand in his and then smiled.
"...i don't know what to say..."ayanami looked ahead lost in thought,"how about a smile?"shinji said...heh...as if she would...
. . .
she was smiling...
...that same old...
sniff
ayanami looked back at shinji,to see him...crying..?"are you...sad?"shinji got surprised by her question,furiously trying to wipe the tears away,"no,no,it's just that..."he looked ahead,"you smilling remind me of her..."ayanami tilted her head,"the original?"shinji nodded,"she used to smile just like that...when i rescued her from the entry plug,and after she showed up to class with those cuts on her fingers..."
"i am glad..."shinji started to feel a little sleepy as the time passed and the sun was long gone,he laid down,"you know...i can almost not tell you two apart now...all that is missing is you calling me by my first name..."ayanami looked at the boy, almost going to sleep,"and then i would be...the real,rei ayanami?"shinji nodded,"i am glad.."ayanami to shinji surprise smiled again looking at sea,where the sun just sank...
now shinji was drifting towards sleep,"you should rest too,tomorrow,i have another location in mind."shinji was already planning a visit to another sight he remenbered when he was a kid,they'll need to walk ALOT...but it would be worth it...
"goodnight...rei..."
. . .
"good night...
shinji."
"how cute..."
shinji heard that voice,oh god...please...not again.
"it makes me wanna puke..."
morning at jssdf base
asuka had just woken up by the sound of a helicopter,"finally..."it was the rescue team,she didn't know how long she slept,but it looked like it was in the middle of the day 12:00 am,"god...i didn't have time to sleep this much in month's..."
the helicopter landed and 6 soldiers jumped out,"captain shikinami?"the leader of the rescue team saluted,"at ease..."the soldier relaxed,"the colonel wants you to help on the search for the third child,she said that you could probably know his location..."asuka sighed,of course i need to help find the brat..."unfortunately i don't know where he went,he could have gone back to the denser part of L-barrier,or he could be on the mountains,he could be anywhere as far as i know..."asuka mused...i should have kept an eye on him...now is gonna take longer to go back to the wunder...
"well let's start already,standing here won't do us much good."asuka marched towards the helicopter,"we'll start searching for him near the village and the houses,if he is out there he'll try to find shelter."let's hope he didn't go too far...
...or did something stupid.
???"you know..."
darkness...as far as he could see,he was back in the worst place he could imagine...his dreams...or more acuratelly...
...his nightmares.
"...i thought you had respect for the dead..."the thing emerged behind him,"but for you to just.."the creature put a hand on shinji's shoulder,he looked behind him to see...
...ayanami?
"...to just go and try to replace her like that...even for me that's cold..."the thing mocked him,now making circules around him,as if it was a predator,trying to find an opening to strike.
"i-i am not-"shinji tried in a trembling voice to justify his actions...but he knew,whatever this thing was...it could make this nightmare even worst.
"tsk,tsk,tsk...i thought i presented myself to you..."the thing who had rei ayanami appearance,made a very disappointed look.
"i don't remenber-"
"i Am YoU..."
shinji held his head,kneeling to the ground.
"huh...do you remenber now?"the creature looked at shinji's frail and pathetic form.
shinji nodded.
"good...now for you,to just disgracefully try to substitute the friend you nearly destroyed the world...for...that thing?"the creature showed an image of the other ayanami.
"i only want her to be happy..."the thing looked at shinji then...that smile returned to it's lips...
"no...what you want,is to try to replace what's missing in your life,what you want is to try refill that gap in your heart."the thing walked in front of him,"because you think that by showing that sack of angel and human flesh kindness..."the thing lifted it's palm to revel a scene...the picnic they had at kaji's aquarium,"you'll have this back..."
shinji looked at that memory,he wanted that back...the happiness he had,before this hell began on his life...he wanted his friends back...
shinji lifted his hand...to try and touch the memory..."but the reality is..."only for the thing to smash it on it's palm."you'll never have this back...not in a million years..."
shinji felt the colors drain from his face,he felt fear,loneliness,sorrow and despair, because he knew deep down that...his twisted reflection...
...was right.
"oh...now we're being realistic?"the thing smirked,crushing his hopes and dreams was like a game for it.
"b- bu-but kaworu sai-" shinji got cut off again this time by a low laughter,that blew into a barking cackle,"ha ha ha,who? this guy?!"the thing yet again morphed l into his deceased friend,"do you really think that stupid angel,knew about anything other than the fact that you ARE a walking disaster..?"shinji was backed against a corner...but he wouldn't let this thing insult his friend's memory by calling him stupid."you know NOTHING ABOUT HIM!!
the thing mockingly looked surprised by his outburst,"oh really~?"the thing started to stroll towards shinji,placing a hand around him,"then let me show you...how wrong you are..."the thing place the index finger on the side of his head then...
"i can't belive that me,the first angel has fallen and been made the 13th..."
he got used by your father...just like you,and when he tried to stop you...
...you didn't listen to him.
"stop shinji...i got a bad feeling about this..."
shinji looked in horror as he tugged at the spears on lilth's dead body.
"don't do this shinji..!"
"STOP YOU STUPID BRAT!"
shinji fell down again,tears streaming down his face,"now...do you see?"the thing kneeled down beside him,"he might have been an angel.."it got closer to shinji's ear,"but he couldn't stop a child from nearly destroying the world...again."the thing got up satisfied by it's job.
"and as i said..."the thing morphed back to rei's form,"you can cling to her all you want...but you'll never have her back."the thing stepped aside to show his old family...misato,asuka,rei and everyone he met at nerv,"and they..."the thing snapped it's fingers again,and the image started to darken,they aged and started to look at him with rage in their eyes...until they looked just how they looked at him on the bridge,"will never forgive you."
shinji didn't want that to be true...he wanted something to find comfort and hope for a better tomorrow,"yeah...they will never forgive me...but if i can do only one more thing right...is help ayanami again."shinji got up and stared at that thing with a little hope remaining on his sad eyes,"i promise...she will live on free at least!"the thing looked bored,huh,he's more strong willed then i thought...
*cough cough cough!*
it looked up...then it smiled from ear to ear...but not for long,"let's see about that...shinji ikari..."the world around him started to engulf him in darkness yet again...
shinji woke up to a coughing sound,he was still drowsy,feeling like the nightmare didn't let him sleep,"god...i am starting to think this is gonna screw my mind,more then i thought it would...shinji rubbed his eyes.
cough cough!
he looked beside him to see ayanami with her hand over her mouth coughing,"ayanami?"shinji putted a hand on her back,"are you okay?"she looked at him and tried to smile,"i am glad you woke up...i thought you wouldn-"
COUGH COUGH COUGH!!
"what's happening?"shinji looked worried,"why are coughing so much?"ayanami composed her self,got up and smiled at him again,"you shouldn't worry about it.."she offered him the same hand he offered her that day,"come on,i want to see that place you talked about.."
shinji was suspicious about her condition...but decided to let go of the question,for now at least,"right,i'll show you the old play ground i went when i was little."shinji said smiling,he took rei's hand and both of then went down the road,i don't want him to know,i don't know why...
but...i fell like if i tell him about my condition now...rei looked at his hand sadly...
...it would make him even more sad.
Euro nerv,wunder main deck.
misato was agitated,for two thing's.
one.. her old ward was alive and roaming the surroundings of tokyo-2,without anyone around as far as she knew.
two...the rescue team just made contact with asuka,and now as their were talking...
misato was nearly about to loose her composure with her subordinate...
"how did you lost sight of him?!"misato looked at the audio only image of asuka using the helicopter comunication device.
"i told you already!"asuka didn't sound calm either,"i turned around and he was gone!"misato felt something was wrong,asuka was being very vague about the details...
"shikinami you're hiding something...i can see it in your tone."misato was trying to push asuka to spill the beans,this didn't make sense,she said he looked catatonic,and depressed,following her without uttering anything,then why did all of a sudden he decided to leave?
"either you tell me or i swear i'll-"
"i told him to kill himself..."
silence...
that was all you could hear on the wunder's bridge...even the technician's stopped working after hearing that...
"explain..."misato looked furious now.
"he was whinning about how had everything come to this...what went wrong.."asuka sounded a little ashamed by her confession,"i said,'if you want to stay here and die,fine,but don't act like a victim."asuka lied,she wasn't one for lying,but if the colonel knew she did something so juvenile as to berate a depressed 14 year old,for stumbeling on his feet,she would never hear the end of it...
"you'll have much to explain when you're back shikinami...but now,focus on finding him,we need to start planning for whatever gendo is plotting,and the 3rd child might know what it is.
"right."the window closed.
"status of the repairs!"misato shouted to the bridge techs."repairs to the evas 86%,repairs on the ship 78%!
"call me back when the repairs are nearly complete,we need the ship on the air and the evas ready for combat,all be away discussing future plans with subcomander akagi until then."misato turned on her hills and ritsuko followed after her.
as soon as they got to the conference room,misato was silent for a second..."do you think he would..."
ritsuko already knew where this was going...sigh"after hearing what asuka reported...i can only expect bad news from the rescue team..."misato wanted to be relieved,she wouldn't need to worry about shinji causing more problems...but as soon as that thought hit her mind,she felt dirty,she was supposed to care for him,one thing is making sure that the world doesn't come to an end...the other is to feel peace for the death of a person just because it's convenient,that sounded like gendo,and she wouldn't go as far as that man,and she just got word that he was alive,she will not loose him again!
"do you think he knows...what he is now?"
misato wondered,they didn't tell him that just like mari and asuka...
"that he is not human anymore?"ritsuko asked that herself,"might be one of the reasons he ran..."ritsuko sat down,oh how i wish i could smoke now,the atmosphere was so tense,she doubted even a positron canon could pearce it.
"until we find him,we can only hope for the best..."ritsuko looked at her old friend,she never saw misato so worried about something,she always played with wild card's when it came down to decisions,but when it came down to shinji's life,the wowan wouldn't blink for a second until she knew he was okay.
ritsuko could imagine how worried misato was about her ward,after all...she just got him back..."and he was inside the geofront,maybe he could give us information on gendo's little scheme..."
"do you think he'll collaborate with us,after what we acused him of so far?"ritsuko now had a serious face,"after all he has seem...
...i doubt he'll deny anything now..."
shinji looked at one of the places he spent most of his childhood,the little park...i know it sounds ridiculous but...
i really hoped this place was spared,it was one of the few places where he was happy during his long days at his old teachers house,he would end his chores and go to the little park to play with other kids...until he got too old for that.
but still...
it broke his heart to see his old memories like this.
"what is this place?"rei asked amused at the scene of twisted metal and red sand...
"this was where i spent most of my happy days."shinji walked up to the sandbox,he remenbered building a pyramid with his friends.
"did you live here?"rei asked,shinji nodded negatively.
he pointed to a house that had a hole in the sealing,"my teacher's house..."
shinji didn't like this place,after the heavenly memories he made,when misato took him in...this felt like something he would love to forget.
"what's wrong ikari?"rei asked,he looked angry,like he didn't want to be here...
"i hate this place,the only reason he allowed me to be here...was because my father paid him to take care of his 'useless son'."shinji remembered it all so clear...he was never part of the house,he was treated like he was a student that lived with him,he educated him,but never treated him good.
"heh..."shinji laughed a little,"i remenber...as soon as i got here he said..'don't expect me to pamper you like your mother would,you'll look,cook and clean after yourself',he never liked me.."nor did he try to hide it.
"why would he say these things to you?"rei asked feeling a little agitated by his statement.
shinji shrugged,"who knows...i think he didn't like the idea of taking care of a kid that it wasn't his own.."oh...i just remenbered too...
the first time,i 'disobeyed' him.. . .i still have the mark on the back my hand...
"where is he now?"rei asked curious,she would like to 'talk' with them.
shinji looked up,"beats me...and i wouldn't care if he died or something like that.."wait...
what am i saying?!
he took care of me,educated me..
...treated me like a maid...
"well...now you're happier?"rei asked him,shinji looked at her...she had a puzzled look on her face.
"not really,i think by educating me to behave,he tried to teach me to face the real world instead of hiding..."shinji said,he didn't hate the man,but he felt like his life could have been a lot more easier if his teacher wasn't so strict.
"does it also have something to do with the red pilot..?"rei wondered.
"the red pilot...the people of wille,i think everyone now doesn't like me..."shinji looked down at his hands,"after i did...i don't think i like myself either..."shinji remenbered why he felt so useless,after fighting that angel in central dogma 14 years ago...he finally accepted that he was the only one able to stop then,but now he was stripped of his one meaning...he felt lost,why am i here?
"what does like mean?"rei asked,shinji stared at her puzzled face,people that didn't know rei ayanami would call her,emotionless or cold,but shinji knew why she was like this,she was like a child that didn't know what most thing's were or what they meant.
"like is when you feel like you want to be close with something...or someone..."shinji remenbered misato's face,that cheerful wowan that...despite not being obligated to,she took him in with open arms.
"i want to be close with ikari..."rei said reaching for shinji's hand,"or shinji..."rei said blushing,shinji looked at rei amazed,had he guided her in the right diretion?
had he finally teached this rei how to act around other people?
had he-
"rEpLacEd ThE OthER...""
SHUT UP!!!!"shinji screamed at the top of his lungs,"I TOLD YOU I AM NOT TRYING TO REPLACE HER,I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY,I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
shinji was crouched over holding his head,now that thing would start to haunt him on the real world,he couldn't take it,not in here too.
"shinji..?"
shinji looked up to see a scared rei,looking at him,worried,"i am sorry ayanami,i didn't mean to scare you.."she must think i'm a freak or something...
"who were you talking to?"rei questioned there were only the two of them.
"no one,i am just a little ill that's all..."shinji said scratching his head nervous,"come on,i think the sun is about to set,and i think you love to see those 'beatiful colors again."
rei began to smile again"that would be-
COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!
"ayanami?"shinji rushed over to rei who fell down on her knees coughing,"are you okay?"just as shinji said that-
THUD
. . .
he heard something hit the ground,as he looked to the side...
ayanami's arm looked like it detached from her body...being held only by the plug suit...
shinji was mortified by this sight..."w-what the hell is happening..?"he got up and started to back up slowly...
"ikari..."rei looked at shinji her lips melting and passing by her teeth,falling on the floor...
"a-aaah- ahhh-"shinji didn't know what to do...so he did the only thing he knew...
he ran...
he ran past the play ground...he ran as far he could...
"shinji..."rei fell feeling exausted,she passed out.
"NOWAYNOWAYNOWAYNOWAYNOWAYNOWAY!"
WHY IS SHE MELTING,WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME THAT!
why am i running?
i did it again...
i showed her kindness,she took care of me...only for me to run like a coward again...
shinji fell to the ground...not believing what he just did...he left her,she was probably suffering and he left her alone...
"oh god,now she won't ever forgive me..."i can't go back...i am too scared!"
but she looked like she was in pain...i need to help her!
but i don't know what to do!
shinji was in conflict he wanted to help...but all he could do was...
"be there for her..."that was what he was thought a friend would do...stay beside one another,even in the most hard times...
he got up..."i need to go back..."shinji took his first step towards his teacher house...
god...i feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my mouth...
rei woke up again,"what's happening?"she remenbered her arm and ikari running...
"i am dissolving...my at-field...is getting weaker..."it was her time...it mattered not,after all she could be replaced...
but...
she wished she could talk one last time to shinji...
she heard footsteps...
"ayanami!"she heard him call her.
shinji was right in front of her...he looked...scared.
god...what do i do?!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
what would i want people to do if i was melting...i would be scared...
shinji rolled her up,rei was loosing a little skin from her face.
"ayanami..."rei was happy she could only smile from one side
"you...came...back...why?rei asked her voice weak..
"we're friends,we stick together even in hard times...but what's happenimg to you?"rei didn't want to answer this question,but she felt...she needed to tell him.
"my...at-field is getting...weaker...without my medicine...and the lcl preservation...i will fade away..."rei said as best as she could.
shinji looked confused"fade away...what do y-"
then it him like a ton of bricks...she was dying...and he couldn't do anything to help her...
"no...please...don't go...not you too."shinji started to get blinded by the tears,he was about to loose another friend,he just got to know her,after loosing kaworu...he would loose another friend...
"i am...sorry..." wheeze "but i didn't want to make you sad..." wheeze "again..."rei was having a hard time getting her words out...
"who said i am sad?"shinji tried to look cheerful.
"huh?"rei looked confused at shinji.
he brushed the tears aside,"come on!"he adjusted her on his back,"we are gonna watch the-"shinji got the words stuck on his mouth,"b-beatiful colors,you oh so love."
rei was confused,but she really liked those colors...she just didn't know why ikari was crying...
i gotta remain strong for her...i can't ruin her last moment...
. . .
[max richter-on the nature of daylight]
shinji took her to the road side again,stoping at a little cliff that was just large enough for two people to sit...
"welll...here we are!"shinji settled her beside him,"ikari i can-"
"whoa!don't fall on me now!"shinji laughed nervously,"we still need to see the sun!"
rei was settled in front of shinji,nestled under his chin...this felt nice...but,"ikari...why are-"
"being so nice?well you deserve to witness this one last time don't you?it's the least i can do."shinji talked like he wanted to avoid something...
"but i am replaceble-"rei was cut off again,"well...not for me you're not..."rei looked up at shinji's face..."you might not be the original rei...but i still care about you."
"are you happy?"shinji was surprised by this..."of course i am!why would i not be?"that was a really bold lie...
"then why are you crying..?"
that was it...
"i..."
he couldn't keep this façade up anymore...
"i don't want you to go..."shinji started to tear up again...
"but i am replacea-"
"NO YOU'RE NOT!"
this got rei of guard...
"shinji..."
"you're my friend...I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIME'S ANY OF YOU SAY YOU'RE REPLACEABLE!"shinji looked at her face...
the sun was just setting...
"THEY CAN SAY YOU'RE A DOLL,OR EVEN A ROBOT...BUT FOR ME YOU'RE REI AYANAMI!"shinji couldn't keep it together anymore...he just wished he could do something about this...
"thank you..."
shinji looked at her...she had...
a genuine smile on her...
"for allowing me look at this...again...but to tell you the truth..."shinji felt something wet hit his hand...
rei was...crying...
"i don't wanna die..."this broke him...he felt like he would explode at any second...
"i want to stay here and see more of those places you like,i want to stay here with you and try to help you smile too...try to make you forget those nightmares that you hate so much...i want to stay here with you!"rei was now shedding more tears than shinji.
he saw now,if he was scared...he could only imagine what rei was feeling now...
"but at least...i can spend this last moment with you...shinji..."rei looked at the setting sun...
"you know...i noticed one thing...after the beach...you never called me rei again-cough COUGH!"
shinji held her tighter," ALL CALL YOU REI AS MANY TIME'S AS YOU WANT!"shinji felt her grip on his arm loosening,"just don't go..."
silence...
"rei...?"shinji looked at her...
she was...
. . .
dead...
[alan wake-the clicker]
"why...i don't understand...after i get close to anyone in the past,i would hurt them...now.."shinji struggled to keep it together,he felt like he was gonna explode...fuck it..."now ...THEY'LL DIE!"shinji lost the last strength he had not to wail to the sky...
she looked scared,like a child that didn't know what was happening,scared of the unknown.
the sky turned dark...
as the screams of sorrow of a young man reached the sky with such force...it looked like the earth was shaking...
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHGHHHHHHHGGGGHH!!!!!!
"what was that noise?"one of the remenbers of the rescue team..
"it sounded like it came from behind the mountains!"one of the soldiers shouted.
"it's him..."asuka whispered..."hurry we need to get there now!"what did you do now idiot?
so sad...
shinji looked at his side...that thing again...was he dreaming again?
"as much of a pleasure as i would get from giving you hope,only smash it..."the thing now looking lile shinji ikari but...that unnerving...yellow...grim...
"no...after miss doll over ther-"
"shut up!"shinji wasn't putting up with this now...
"oh...what are you gonna do?i might be visible in the real word now...but that's only because you lost it."the thing mocmed him.
"i...lost...it?"shinji asked not really caring about the entity,actually he didn't care about anything anymore...
"come on...your little 'friend' just died in your arms...do you really think that's a normal thing to happen?"he was right...
"but...i couldn't leave her to die...alone."shinji held rei cold nody tighter.
"well... now she's dead,and with her weird friend not wanting to let go of her body."the thing said matter of factly.
"are you gonna stay in there and..just hug her until you both stink of rotten corpse..?"the thing looked disgusted by the scene.
"she's still melting...you know..."the thing didn't saw any reaction from the boy...he got in fornt of shinji,waving his head in front of his darkened face.
"hellooo? anybody at home?"until...
"goodbye rei...i'll see you soon."shinji said to rei's body,he got up,placed her on the wall on the other side of the road...then started to walk to the edge.
"see her soon?"the thing asked amused by that statement,shinji walked up to the edge of the cliff looking down...a couple of rocks at the bottom...
"what?do you actually want me to believe you're gonna-"fear...
he didn't sense fear...he sensed relief?!
"you said you're me right?"shinji said without looking away from the rock's below.
"then..."shinji turned around...a smug grim look on his face..."i'll enjoy putting an end to not only me...but, you too~"is he trying to mess with me?!
"AS IF I BELIEVE THAT SHIT,THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL JUMP!"shinji was starting to enjoy messing with this thing...but.
he really wanted an end to this...he could only imagime the nightmares he would start having after this day...
"you couldn't save her..."the thing said...salive dripping from it's yellow mouth.
"NoW yOu ARe GonNa taKe ThE coWArdS wAy ouT."the thing said with that smile steetching with each word...
"yeah...i am a coward...but if all i can do is cause the death's of other's..."shinji opened his arms in a T stance,with his chest full.
"No YUo CAN'T"the thing screamed.
"OH.. i can..."
he jumped.
"AND I WILL!!!"
"NoooOOOOOOOOoOoo!!!"
the first time i ever defied someone..
god...i was so scared...but...that..sensation...
that liberating sensation...
i am gonna die...shinji help his body grow cold at the thought...
at least i won't hurt anyone anymore...
asuka...misato...everyone...
"i am sorry..." he whispered...
. . .all that you could hear that moment...was the sound off something hitting hard against the ocean...
morning came upon the old tokyo-2
asuka and the other rescuers found the clone's body...
but the third child was nowhere to be found...
"captain we need to be honest..."one of the rescuers said..."she was placed in front of a peek with foot marks ending at the edge leading nowhere...if he did jump from that high up against the rocks bellow...he might have...
"i don't care,if you wanna make excuses do that to the colonel,but i am not convinced he is dead unti-
"WE'VE FOUND HIM!"
that got asuka and the other rescuers attention,they rushed to the beach...
asuka arrived to see two of them near the third...
"HE NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION ASAP, HE HAS A SKULL FRACTURE!!"asuka saw,he's face was red,his hair a mess,mixed with blood and sand...
lcl might be a cushion liquid...when you're ALREADY on the liquid...
if you hit it full force like say,you have a pool of it...and jumped from high above like 30 meters...is like going 200 an hour and hitting a concrete wall...
one of the recuers radioed,"takatsuki!we need the helicopter nere now!"they started to look for more wounds...
asuka looked at everything playing out,he really did it...
asuka heard all the screaming in the back ground as she looked at his frail form loosing blood...
"what have i done?"asuka said looking at her hands.
"captain!"that got asuka out of her stupor..."huh?"asuka saw shinji being loaded on the heli.
"we need to go now!"
"right..."asuka got inside the helicopter...
"the colonel is gonna kill me..."asuka whispered...
. . .
little bastard...you actually had the guts to defy me...and to jump off that cliff...heh... hehehe...impressive...but as soon as you wake up...i'll see how much you'll have changed from this...
sorry for the mess on the last chapter,i am still trying to learn how to use the app...
and sorry for the messy spelling,but i'll do my best so you can enjoy this madness i am building,i want to take my time,make this long and entertaining,tell me what you think about the music choice for the moment...
next chapter:
misato finally gets to see shinji ikari again,but...how will she react to his condition,how will the members of wille react to his suicide attempt...
and...
what changes did that thing said he would under go...?
find out in the next chapter of
evangelion 3.01.0 shinji ose ikari
