Chapter 45: At Granda's Funeral

Hikaru's body was trembling, at the mental stab that word caused his mind.

Dead.

It had such finality to it, an abrupt termination of all other things like a black hole sucking in everything around it. He'd used it so many times before, in casual conversation, in Go, but the word took on new dimensions now, the meaning he had once had for it shifting to another, far more sinister one. This was different from when Sai had left; he hadn't died, just simply disappeared. There was no body for him to look upon, causing memories joyful and precious to come flying into his mind, eliciting emotions that were strangely contradictory to the memory. Sai had disappeared, vanished into thin air, but that had always left the possibility that he might return one day. No such hope existed with Grandpa; he was dead, the finality as apparent as the proof that now lay in front of him.

It was so unfair. There was so much more he'd wanted to say to his grandfather, games he'd wanted to play with him, experiences to share. That was now impossible, the opportunity had been ripped away from him and it was so completely unfair. Grandpa had been such a help to Hikaru in the creation of his career as well as his understanding of life. He'd given him his goban, listened as he discussed his advancing career, encouraged him against his powerful opponents, even given him advice on his recent girl problems. And all Hikaru had ever done in return was to beat him into the ground with his play.

Emotions rushed through his body now, feeling as if it would pour out of him. Turning away, Hikaru paused a moment as he fought back tears. There was one more thing that, in a way, his grandfather had done for him in regards to his current position in life. Closing his fists tightly in an attempt to stop his body from shaking, Hikaru made his way off into the crowd of people.

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The ceremony was held one day after. Waya recognized a few of the attenders, as they were Go Pros. Hikaru's popularity made his Granda's funeral sort of an event in the small Go world too. Waya saw Akira approaching him. "Waya-san, have you seen Shindou?"

"He went off that direction, but I don't know really to where."

As Akira made his way through the crowd of people glancing about for Hikaru, he unexpectedly collided with another gues, a girl his age in a simple black dress. "Forgive me, I wasn't looking."

Smiling brightly, Akira tilted his head ever so slightly and replied, "It's quite all right, no harm done. I should have been watching out as well."

A slight flush of embarrassment and awe covered Akari as she looked back at Hikaru's rival. Though she'd seen him numerous times before this was actually only the second time she'd actually spoken to Akira, and she'd forgotten how polite he could be. A far cry from Hikaru, but then there were other things that the two did share, as Akari could see the kindness in Akira's eyes that covered a sharp mental focus behind them. Regardless of his ability, Akari could certainly see just from that why Hikaru resonated with this person.

As she continued to study him, Akira continued, "Forgive me, but I've never been to this residence before, and don't know my way around too well, but do you know where Shindou might be?"

Nodding, Akari answered, "Oh, Touya-sensei! I was actually looking for Hikaru myself, so I'm afraid I can't help you much with that. I'm only vaguely familiar with this place myself, I haven't been here in years, not since…" Akari's voice trailed off as a thought crossed her mind. Yes, since that day. Returning her attention to Akira she said, "Umm, Toya-sensei, I just remembered where you could find Hikaru."

A baffled expression covered Akira's face as he nodded and watched her head off further into the back yard. If nothing else, that had been… strange.

Reaching the entrance to the storage loft Akari's suspicions were confirmed as she found one half of the door slightly ajar. Opening it for a moment to enter herself before returning it to its slightly ajar position, Akari turned and took a deep breath, "Touya-sensei. I think Hikaru is upstair. You could go talk to him now. I'll do it later, I'll now go help taking care of things that I can".

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Akira ascented up the ladder. As he reached the top a sound reached his forward slowly, following the footprints left in the dust on the floor Akira quickly spotted Hikaru who was kneeling down on the floor now, his body leaning over something. A few steps closer and Akira made out the shape of a Go board.

Then Akira noticed the color distortion on the surface of the board, splotches here and there that didn't coincide with the layer of dust resting on the board. Then that sound arose again and realization dawned on him, the splotches, they were tears, Hikaru's tears. In all the time he'd known him, Akira could not think of a time when he'd seen Hikaru actually overwhelmed with tears like this, but here he was now, most definitely crying. Stopping a few feet behind him, Akira knelt down and reaching out his hand said softly, "Shi…Hikaru?"

Hikaru's body shifted as he turned to look back at Akira, tears sliding down his cheeks, a forlorn expression on his face. In that state, he seemed so pitiful; not at all the formidable pillar of strength Akira was used to seeing. The way his body trembled, fear and shame rooted in his eyes, all of it spoke of a pain that Akira could only imagine. A slight hesitation came over Hikaru, passing a moment later as he replied, "Touya…"

He didn't need to say another word; everything was on his face. Seeing Hikaru like this, it was horrible, unnatural and completely against what he knew Hikaru to be. How Akira longed to remove his pain so that he never again would look or feel as he did now. It broke his heart.

Without warning Hikaru suddenly lunged forward and Akira found himself wrapped in a tight embrace as Hikaru began to cry even harder now into the fabric of his black kimono around his shoulder. His surprise lifting moments later, Akira reached out his arms to wrap around Hikaru's back, holding him close to his body. "It's all right Hikaru."

Through the sound of his tears Akira heard Hikaru mutter out as he shook his brow against his shoulder, "No, it's not. I did it, I killed him."

At those words Akira's brow contorted in confusion and anger. How could he blame himself for this, he hadn't been there. "It's not your fault Hikaru, it was just one of those things."

"No," Hikaru resisted, the pain quite apparent in his voice, "We used to play Go… I'd just crush him without mercy and… h-he always said that if I kept it up he'd have a heart attack… and now he… I didn't listen… I just thought… it's just like before and now he's gone! He encouraged me, helped me, and all I ever did was beat him into the ground until it killed him!"

Pushing Hikaru back off her shoulder, Akira gripped his face between his palms and said sternly, "Hikaru, listen to me. You are not responsible for what happened to your grandfather. It's not fair, and I know it seems hard, but your grandfather would be furious if he knew you were blaming yourself for this. It's not your fault, you couldn't have known this was going to happen. Do you understand me?"

Hiccuping as tears continued to flow, Hikaru answered, "But I-"

"NO!" Akira interjected, "No buts, or anything like that. It's not your fault."

Lowering his head as he moved a hand to wipe at his tears, Hikaru found his cheek leaning into Akira's shoulder, the pain easing ever so slightly. Whether Akira believed him or not Hikaru wasn't sure, but it did feel nice to hear someone say it, that it wasn't his fault. "I miss him so much Akira. I'll tell you the story…the whole story…Akira…"

Wrapping his arms around the back of Hikaru's head and pulling Hikaru tightly to himself, Akira heard himself murmuring, "it's okay now Hikaru, it's okay…I can wait. We have forever, don't you rememeber?" Akira's voice was so soothing, so Hikaru just closed his eyes and let go of the moment.

The shower of raining teardrops continued to fall as the pair sat there as minute after minute passed. As the storm began to lift from Hikaru's eyes he sniffed hard and muttered softly, "Grandpa… Sai…".

The two young pros sitting like that in silence. Not knowing how long it have passed. Not noticing, how a young girl with pigtailed hair arised from the stairs, saw them and quietly retreated.

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Note: Oh no, poor Akari! I actually like her a lot in the manga. But I never noticed a chemistry between her and Hikaru. Well, actually, I never noticed ANY chemistry between Hikaru and anyone other than...you know whom ;)