Chapter 3:change
The measure of intelligence...
is the ability to change.
Wunder docks.
misato just heard what happened...
he was hanging by a tread...
how could this happen...
was she so blind that she did not notice that...
even after he did all those wrong things...
destroyed the world...
went against her will...
left her...
he was still just a boy...
"HURRY"shouted one of the medics running to the heli-pad.
asuka jumped from the chopper's door to allow the medic team to get to him.
asuka looked at misato...
"colonel i-
"don't say anything."misato comanded
asuka looked surprised by this.
"he hurt himself out of his own free will...you couldn't imagine this was gonna happen..."misato said.
but deep down misato wanted to shout at asuka,scream 'why didnt you help or stop him!'.
but just like ritsuko said...
the wunder and the crew needed it's captain...she couldn't throw this fit.
the medics rushed with the unconcious third child to the emergency,as they passed the colonel...
she got glimpse of his face,wrapped like a mummy with blood staining the upper part...
the wunder still needs it's captain...
i'm sorry shinji.
emergency room.
but i can't choose you over this war...
the medics were shocked that this boy was alive...
"he has a cracked skull,concussion,very severe blood loss and CORE poisoning."the doctor said surprised by this,core poisoning would drive someone insane,but he knew who this boy was.
the pilots are not human,much less this young man...
"we need to stabilize him quickly!"the doctor said.
"but if he lives...he might have brain damage or worst!"said one of the nurses.
the medic gave her a furious look"you wanna say that to the colonel?"he said.
the nurse immediately took her words back...the colonel was a great leader,but also one of the most fearful women in the entire ship.
"let's begin..."the doctor said.
i'm sorry...
but we can't let you go yet...
???
. . .
what is this place..?
am i...dead?
shinji only saw darkness...
he didnt feel anything...
he just...
was there...
"well...well..."
shinji heard that voice...
"no..."
his dark reflection appeared yet again before him,but now it looked normal...
if you ignored the slit's for eyes...
"why...i thought YOU WOULD BE GONE!"shinji shouted indignified by this...he just wanted this thing gone!
"well too bad!"the thing said.
"you forgot that i am part of you...and besides...i am not going anywere..."the thing said laying back on nothing.
shinji was...
empty
like he didnt care anymore...
the thing smiled...
"so...are you ready to talk?"the thing asked.
"talk..."shinji said confused.
"yeah,talk...is not like you have anything better to do..."the thing said.
"why do you wanna talk?"shinji asked in a stoic voice,"all you did up to this point was torture me out of your own pleasure,why should i listen to you?"shinji said,taking a little pleasure on denying the creature's wish...
"hmmm...interesting..."the thing said rubbing it's chin,amused by his thoughts.
"but the reason why i am torturing you,is because you asked to know what lead you to this point in your life,and you asked to know the truth."the thing sit cross legged,looking shinji in the eye.
"i am gonna ask you this third child..."the thing got serious...
shinji hated this being with all his heart...but if he was gonna try to help...
plus he didnt have much of a choice...
"try me..."shinji said.
"okay..."the thing paused.
"what do you wish for?"the thing asked.
"huh?"shinji questioned.
"you heard me,what does your heart wish more than anything..."the thing asked.
shinji gave it a long thought.
"i want to be happy..."shinji said a little sad.
"then stop trying to please others that don't deserve it...and do as you wish."the thing said.
"but...when i try to do as i want,i end up hu-"
"liar..."the thing cut shinji off.
"up to this point you only did things to please others..."the thing held five fingers up.
"your father,misato,asuka,kaworu and your mother..."the thing said.
"you only brush this thought off because it's selfish and seems 'wrong'."the thing said.
"but it is wrong...right?"shinji asked the last part,doubting his own words.
"let's see...you giving up your happiness so others can suck you up emotionally,then leave you on the floor like trash after they are done using you..."the thing said.
"i dunno but...seems like they are the ones who are wrong..."the thing said with a little distaste.
"this doesnt make sense...no one ever did that to me..."shinji said confused,did they?
"well let me bring out the list..."the thing joking like he had a long scroll on his hand.
"your father only wanted you so he could use you to get his wife,your mother back...and he didnt even consider your life worth shit,trying to please him you took your worth and threw it in the trash."the thing moved on "misato only wanted you because you were the only one that could drive that Eva,she pushed you to drive it because her survival was on line,and her job too,you put your life on the line because she threw duty on your hands,now she plays dumb like she didnt take part on our mistakes.."
"that's not true...why are you saying this..."shinji asked getting a little revolted by those statements,he hated his father,but misato woudnt do that...
"asuka only used you so she could have her personal chef,and use you like a maid,and never once thanked you for what you did for her,neither did she do anything to help you,and to top it all off she is one to blame too,were was she when the 10th attacked?"the thing said.
"stop..."shinji didnt wanna hear this...
"oh yeah her selfish need to pilot eva,got her to drive that 'test unit',and she blames you for her stupity,either way she was gonna get hurt...you did your best to save her and how does she retribute?"the thing said looking at shinji's face,signs of stress but...he seemed to have mutual feelings surfacing...
"she spits on our face..."the thing said almost getting heated up himself.
"kaworu was a good Friend...yes,but he couldn't forsee the events that would take place,he coulnt stop us from nearly destroying everything again,out of trying to save him...you caused his death and made everything worst."the thing said,being a little easier on the the fourth example.
"but you know...the person for me at least that takes the 'shit award'?"the thing now seemed even more revolted.
"our mother..."
"no..."shinji started shaking his head.
"left us so she could work on her little project,then left us with that excuse of a father...that made us take the course to the events at hand."the thing now had gone too far.
"whoa,whoa,whoa...why are you saying this?"shinji was shaking "i don't need you telling me this lies,i know she left me,and didnt thought on how her son was gonna end up,i don't want to hear this..."shinji was shaking...
"...WHAT IS IT WITH YOU,HUH?!"shinji was tearing up out of rage.
"you want to find happiness pleasing the people that only take from you,that give nothing in return for your kindness...and when they do give something back...they throw bread crums on your face...and you gladly take ithem...like some starving homeless person."the thing said a little amused.
"stop...please,i know it's the truth...but i still want to have hope..."shinji clinged to what shred of good memories he had...his dreams for a better tomorrow.
his memories of the past...
"hum..."the thing knew this was not gonna last.
"Love dies third child..."the thing stated.
"...rage is the path that will start to set you free."the thing said,with confidence in it's words.
"OW...god..."shinji held his head" what are you doing?"shinji asked his reflection.
"i didnt-"the thing felt that sharp pain too.
. . .
"seems like we are not as dead as we thought we were."the thing mused."it matters not how you feel...your changes are starting...you'll see the folly of your way's in no time..."
then shinji remained there,with his dark reflection...pondering if his hopes were a possibility...
or...
just a dream that he needs to wake up..
medical wing.
sakura stared at ikari shinji's frail figure on the hospital bed.
she had been crying"why would you do this?"
"you are the hero that saved us from the angels,yeah you messed up...but that's no excuse to try to take your own life away..."sakura said brushing a tear"how did this happen?"
mari was standing in the room with sakura and asuka.
asuka looked like the guilt was eating her alive.
"soooo princess,how's your superiority complex now?"mari asked.
"four eyes i am not in th-
mari was serious...for the first time ever...
mari makinami looked like she wanst joking about the matter.
"i heard what happened..."mari got up and brought a chair besides shinji's bed.
"who told yo-"
"words spreads around like fire..."mari started stroking his head,carefully avoiding the injury,i can only imagine what was going through your head...mari thought.
believe me...i think i know how that feels...to loose a purpose...and yourself...mari thought,reminding herself of her 'trials', before she became the oh so "amazing eva pilot" she was now,sure she had sometimes of hardship,but that was how life worked.
"i didnt want this to happen..."asuka said ashamed of her actions...
"yeah...i know...but you forget that other people have their own problems,you kicking me i don't mind..."mari said a little dismissive"but kicking someone like puppy boy,while they're already down...i don't stand around and let that happen like it's okay without giving a piece of my mind."
mari got up and started walking out of the room
asuka was surprised,all these years and she never saw makinami so upset about something...
"mister ikari..."sakura was holding his hand..."please come back soon.."she begged the person laying on the hospital bed.
she let go of his hand,got up and started to walk towards the door,avoiding eye contact with asuka.
all asuka could hear after sakura left..
was the beeping of the heart monitor...
"hey..."
she took out his sdat player from her jacket's pocket..."the clone on the cliff side was hanging by a tread,she was in bad shape...but begged me to deliver this to you..."
she put it in his hand...
she started to walk towards the door...
before she left,she took a last glance at him...
. . .
i know that was a scary visage...to see someone melt alive...
but you could have at least have spared her the vision of you jumping,asuka thought,that was really messed up thing to do...
wunder unknown room
misato and ritsuko were talking about the next step on ending this war.
"if we study the anti-lcl mechanism enough,we can maybe reverse third impact."ritsuko explained.
"but.."misato already knew it wasn't gonna be that easy...it never was...
"but...we don't know what gendo is up to..."ritsuko looked down in thought,they never knew what that man was up to...either he was toying with them,or he was failing plan after plan and didnt want to admit defeat...
"it matters not...we'll find a way to obtain victory by any means necessary."misato said.
"maybe..."ritsuko started,but was afraid of what would happen if she pushed the subject in her mind forward.
"maybe...what?"misato asked.
". . ."
"speak up subcommander,if you have an idea to help win this,we need to take advantage of it."misato said with authority.
"when the third child wakes up...he might know,if we interrogate him..."ritsuko said.
". . ."
"i know he has a head injury,but we need to try an-"
"you're right."misato cutted ritsuko off.
"i am?"ritsuko knew she was,she just didnt...expect the colonel to be so straight forward with the idea...her old ward was on a emergency room with severe head trauma,and may not be the same if he wakes up,that is if he doesn't become a vegetable...
"we are in war subcommander,we need to exploit every single resource we have."misato said,but she said in a way that was unnatural,like she really didnt care for the boy's health,she really said like she only had her worry's on this war alone.
"i see..."ritsuko said.
i don't know if i should be glad..or scared that you're so focused on this war now,ritsuko thought in awe.
"we need to study the anti-lcl mechanism,maybe we can build another version."misato said,starting to head towards the door out of the room.
"come on,we need to start research on it."misato commanded.
"of course colonel."ritsuko answered.
you really changed a lot these past fourteen years...but i still miss your drunk behavior sometimes.ritsuko thought,a little sadness reaching her thought's.
i only wonder what will happen to you...
if we win this war...
what will you do..?
and...
what will make you keep going forward..?
wunder's cafeteria.
asuka never looked forward to meal time...the paste could taste different,but to her the texture was ALWAYS the same,it was food paste for god's sake!
she went for the usual seat...
when she sat and started to eat,she heard a conversation on the next table...
"yeah i heard from one of the guards of the medical wing...they said he looked in pretty bad shape..."one of the techinicians said.
"some people heard it was because he couldn't handle the reallity he created..."one of the engineers said looking at his food.
"hmpf...serves him right,he is the one who caused all of this!"Midori Kitakami,one of the wunder's main techinician's said.
"come on young lady,this is not the whole truth."kohji takao the older man said in distaste for the young wowan's ignorance.
"it's not..?"midori asked,a little confused.
"no...he may have been the one to start,but the thing only got REALLY bad when nerv started to trigger third impact with the ayanami series..."kohji said.
"so...the ayanami series is the main cause?"midori asked again.
"they are ALL part of nerv's scheme for instrumentality..."kohji explained,no wonder most didnt knew about nerv's businesses,the crew only knew each other for 3 weeks at best,the wunder had too many new faces to help use it's new 'features',and many of them were civilians still going through training.
"oh...that plan huh..."midori knew at least about instrumentality,the insane thought of merging everyone into one being,by dissolving everyone into soup.
"yeah,'that plan' most people fear and blame the boy and the ayanami series because of what happened before the containment of tokyo-3...so much so,there's a rumor that colonel and the subcommander lied to him about his sync with the eva,and the 'original ayanami's' location."kohji said trying to get the young wowan's attetion,for at least once she started to take insterest in what he said,instead of calling him an old man.
"they did...?"midori asked confused,these kind of histories were one of the few entertainment the crew had on this ship...
"yeah...they did..."someone else spoke...
midori,kohji and some people of the table looked at the source of the voice...
it was was liutenant maya ibuki...
"liutenant..?"midori asked curious...
"yeah...i know why they lied to him..."maya said,not showing much interest in eating the paste in front of her...
"well...why?"midori asked leaning towards the other wowan,even kohji was curious about this...
"because not only the colonel wants to keep shinji out of the eva for his own good and our sake,but the original ayanami is not human,she's half angel and too dangerous to have back,that's one of the reasons she only extracted shinji out of the eva..."maya said,she worked with rei before and knew the girl ment no harm,but she said the same about shinji...and look what happened.
"wait...i know the boy can cause an impact but-"
"its not only because he can start an impact!"maya interrupted the engineer's monologue.
"it's because...he is already dangerous enough outside the eva..."maya said,shivering a little.
"wait,WHAT?!"midori shouted.
"shhhh,keep quiet midori..."kohji said,not wanting to call attetion to their little 'chit chat'.
"that doenst make sense maya...is he that dangerous to begin with?"kohji said a little confused.
"he's the son of two of most brilliant minds we ever seem,gendo is a wicked and dispicable man,but he has us in a vice grip,yui ikari helped create the evangelions...and the boy took many tests...his iq is 150..."maya said a little fear rising from her...
"well...that's...impressive..."kohji said.
"you never saw his psychological report...did you kohji?"maya asked the older man.
"no...why?"kohji asked...
"he never putted much effort in anything,...even in the test result...he said...and i quote...'i only did it because,i didnt have anything else to do..."maya said grimly..
"so...how actually high is his iq score..?"midori asked.
"when he was 9,people said if he actually tried to put much effort into anything..
his iq could be as high as 170..."maya said.
"with his little 'infection' brought by the eva deep synch rate...all and i mean,ALL his abilities can be four if not five times more advanced than the normal human being. .."maya was starting to loose her apetite even more with this conversation..
everyone was silent.
the dread for the boy growing even more after hearing this informarion...
"but..."midori started,earning the attetion of all tree.
"wouldn't that be the same case with shikinami and makinami?"midori asked.
"no...they are different..."maya started to explain.
"asuka got infected with an angel,her infection is...incompatible with her body.."maya said.
"makinami syched with her eva to abnormal dephts,she is also,like asuka,she is sort of human..."maya explained.
"but...shinji..."maya paused.
she looked down...this was not a good idea...the crew already feared him enough...but with what he has done to them...making them go through all this hell...
"he is the first human to fully adapt 100% with eva's contamination...making him unpredictable...he synched with an eva in god hood,sure he might not be able to start an impact by himself..."maya explained,the crew looking more scared by the second.
"but he might have anything from the angels...regenerarion,unbelivable streght and so on...he might even be able to create an at-field without an eva..."maya dreaded the last part...
"that means that he could..."midori said,more fearful of the boy than ever...
"he could kill everyone in this ship...even the heavily armed guards."maya said,now she really didnt want to eat.
"that's why the colonel was being so cautious about him,i always wondered why he was strapped and held at gun point when she brought him to the bridge..."kohji said,the old man wasn't one to fear,he lived enough to know there was no logic in fearing death...but to imagine a fourteen year old boy being able to unleash hell on a fortress ship like the wunder brought chills to his spine...
"that idiot won't do such a thing..."
everyone from the table looked at asuka in the next table...
"if i know one thing about that brat,is that he can hardly kill a fly..."asuka said dismissive.
"are you sure about that captain?"midori asked asuka.
"yeah,i know him since me and maya worked for nerv 14 years ago,when we were fighting the angels..."asuka relieved some of the people on the next table...
"you remenber how he is...dont you ibuki?"asuka asked maya.
"yeah...i remenber..."maya said a little sai,she liked the boy at some level,but when he said 'i don't care what happens to the world...her view on him changed...
"he is still the same spineless idiot..."asuka said,a little happiness in looking at the past.
"if one thing we know is..."
???
he's not able to kill anyone...
"DIE!DIE!DIE!...WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE!!"shinji was trying to strangle the life out of his doppelganguer.
things went south after the thing started to toy with the idea of his mother using him like his father,and saying to shinji that his mother might not even see him as her son,but as a tool to be used and discarded.
"he he..'choke'..he"the thing was only playing along, he coulnt die,only if shinji died...but he was finding amusement that this boy was trying to strangle him,the same boy who was afraid of his own shadow...
this might not be a big thing...but in the long run...he might start accepting himself...his darker self...the thing thought in complete ecstasy"you forgot...that i am you...i only die...if you die..."the thing laughed at his face.
shinji got off him...
"hmpf...now..."shinji got up and started talking.
"is MY turn to ask you!"shinji said in an authority tone.
"oooooh,look who grew a pair...try me then...what do you wish to know?"the thing mocked him.
i really hate this guy...
"can still hear your thoughts~"the thing laughed.
"okay then..."shinji breathed,trying to calm down...
"what do you want to acomplish by changing me?"shinji asked...
he he he
"i want you to abandon your morals that bind you to the very people that destroy your life...i want to give you the happiness that you deserve..."the thing said sweetely.
then a dark yeallow grim appeared on the thing's face.
"i want you to relish at the misery of the people that wronged you!"the thing started to laugh louder.
"I wANt YoU To EmBrACe tHe meAnINGleSS WoRlD aS it Is!!"the thing started to morph again into something even shinji coulnt describe...
"HA HA AH AHA HAA AAaaaah..."the thing looked at shinji...
aaaah...he is wetting his pants again...
shinji tried to put up a stoic face,but that thing was starting to scare him out of his mind...
"o-o-okay...'gulp'..."shinji still feared this thing...no matter how much he remenbered that all of this was on his head...
"hmmm...as the saying goes...ahem...So over you is the greatest enemy a man can have and that is fear. I know you are afraid to listen to the truth-you have been raised on fear and lies. But I am going to preach to you the truth until you are free of that fear..."the thing said like a poet on the most inspiration filled moment of it's life...
"the...truth..?"shinji was starting to take interest in this...thing now.
"you fear the truth that will set you free..."the thing making a dramatic pose,almost in a dancing posture he invited shinji...
"what are yo-"
"dance with the devil shinji ikari...start to learn who you really are,what are your darkest desires,peek into the abyss and start set yourself to break your boundaries..."as the thing chanted a moon appeared and a bunch red roses started to fall as in a dramatic scene,suspense building,music started to play on the background...
i heard that music before...shinji thought.
{Rammstein-mutter}
"come child..."the thing said sweetely...
what if that's another trick?
but...i don't feel any sort of ill intent on his part...
shinji took his hand.
a slow yet shy dance...
dancing as equals shinji and his reflection danced this sad and melancholic music...
FLASH.
"doesn't your mama love you shinji?"asked a kid in shinji's hiden memory.
"i don't know..."young shinji said looking down.
"oooh that's sad."said another kid.
"kagura!yuki!come on we need to go!"said the mother of the two kids.
"okay!"said the two.
"bye shinji,we'll build the sand castle another day!"said the kids as they left.
"mama!ha ha ha!mama!"
"guh..."little shinji ikari started to tear up...they didnt even finish the sand castle...
"mommy..."little shinji started to tear up.
"why did you leave me..."little shinji was crying a little.
"don't you love me..?"little shinji asked still crying...
"i-i-..."
"I HATE YOU!"little shinji buried his fist into what should have been a sand castle...
FLASH.
"uhh..."shinji was still dancing with his persona...he was tearing up a little.
"if you want it to stop you can just let go..."the thing said almost in a friendly tone.. . .
shinji wiped his tears away..."no."
the thing smiled a sweet smile"good..."
they paced themselves...
the melancholic music continued it's decent into madness...
FLASH.
"but i want to go out with my friends and play...i promised them..."little shinji was trying to talk to his teacher that wouldnt allow him to go outside...
"no,and that's final young man!"his teacher said.
"but...why?"shinji asked.
shinji saw his teacher reaching for something,it was a rule-
!!!.
shinji felt that ruler hit against his hand,he was kneeling on the ground with his fore head touching the ground.
blood dripping from his hand,that ruler was slim...but it was made of iron.
"you wanna know why?!?"the teacher lifted his shirt.
the teacher lifted the ruler in the air and brought it down,aiming for shinji's back.
!!!.
"AAAAAH!"shinji screamed in pain as felt the ruler hit his bare back.
"HERE'S WHY!AND IF YOU QUESTION ME AGAIN I'LL BRING THE RULER TO TEACH ANOTHER LESSON ABOUT TALKING BACK TO AN ADULT!"the teacher shouted,the smell of booze on his mouth.
"mommy..."shinji called out to his mother."mommy..."
"your mommy and daddy abandoned you!"
FLASH.
THEY DON'T LOVE YOU!
shinji felt his legs growing week as this song went on...
"still want to continue?"the thing asked...
shinji was mortified about this memory...
"please...show me..."shinji begged.
the thing smiled.
"now..."the thing said,a dramatic pause...
"the CLIMAX!"the thing shouted.
then it hit shinji...
ALL AT ONCE
FLASH.
WOTHLESS CHILD...WHO WOULD LIKE SOME WIMP...YOU NEED TO LEAVE....
. .YOU'LL DIE ALONE...AND. . .NO ONE WILL EVER MISS YOU!
NO ONE NEEDS YOU!
YOU ONLY THINK OF YOURSELF!
FLASH. . .
the thing looked at shinji...
he seemed furious...
thought he would leave before i could end...maybe this will be faster then i thought...the thing thought with a smile on his face...
"now you see shinji ikari?"the thing touched forehead's with him,almost in a sweet way.
"people will take all you own if you allow then..."the thing explained.
"now..."the thing let go of his hand...
"let us see how you will interact with the world around...you after this..."everything went white...
"thank you..."shinji said...
shinji understood what the thing was trying to tell him...
people are not saints...
they WILL take whatever they can...
if you allow them...
. . .
and i am sick and tired of being sillent..!
wunder pilots bunkers.
asuka just got into the bunker...
Mari was seating there...
sigh...
how am i gonna break this ice?
"makinami i-
"save your breath princess..."Mari didn't look away from the game she was playing...
"what..?"asuka was confused by this.
"you can say you're sorry to puppy boy when he wakes up."Mari didn't look mad...it looked like that whole ordeal didn't happen.
"I know I screwed up,but-
"oh...you screwed up...BELIEVE me you did..."Mari was now smiling...
she is mocking me again...
"I fucking hate you..."asuka said in indginified rage.
"I know...but I am serious princess."Mari said.
asuka sat down besides mari.
"does he really affect you that much?"Mari asked.
"I was originally trying to impress him you know...he always cooked putted up with me...hell..."asuka almost laughed.
"one time I kicked him in the chin and he just took that and didn't complain..."asuka remembering 'fond memories'.
makes me wonder how he still alive to this day...Mari thought.
"I was trying to..."asuka stopped.
"trying to..?"Mari drifted her gaze away from the game and-
.!
she's blushing
asuka looked at mari and regretted it.
Mari was carrying a stupid grim on her face...
sigh...
"I was once trying to win him over..."asuka closed her eyes for the barrage of mocking mari was gonna make...
but...
it didn't happen...
"that's sweet~"Mari looked genuinely happy.
"shut up..."asuka blushed.
"but...what made you give up?"Mari asked curious.
. . .
"I couldn't beat wonder girl...she was so dedicated to him that i-
"gave up?"Mari cutted asuka off.
telling her this...was a bad idea...
"sounds to me you're making excuses to stop trying..."Mari said poking asuka on her pride,Mari always found fun in making the red head mad,no matter how much time passed...
...it was always fun~
look just-
SIREN.
alert nemesis series approaching the outskirts of euro nerve,pilot makinami and shikinami please present yourself to the eva bay's!"
well..."Mari said getting up and stretching herself.
"ready to rock and roll?"Mari turned and winked at asuka.
and here I thought she was mad...
"let's go four eyes..."asuka ran just a few meters behind mari.
I'll deal with him later.now...
wunder medical wing.
I got a job to do...shinji ikari just woke up...
!!!
explosions roaring in the background...
he knew about that...
but he couldn't react...
he was still so tired...
he looked to his side...
someone sat cross legged on a chair...
"jus rest...you don't have streght to even lift a finger now..."
shinji closed his eyes...
even in the real world this thing won't leave him...
at least shinji didn't think he was so bad after...
well...
I'll think about this when I wake up...
as he said...
even with the explosion and sirens in back ground...
shinji fell yet again into world of shadows.
to be contiuned...
next time on shinji ose ikari...
"Here's to the crazy ones. ...
let the madness...
BEGIN!
