tw: suicidal thoughts & actions (I cannot stress this enough); threats of surgery

i wanted to hug hinawa so bad, and i still do.


Maki gathered her finished reports together and stacked them on top of the pile to her right. She would later give them to Lieutenant Hinawa to glance over before inputting them into the computer. She coughed slightly.

The lieutenant must have given me what he has, she thought. As she coughed again, she looked into her hand and was shocked to see blood. She got up and went to the bathroom, where she began coughing even harder.

A few minutes later, she coughed up a few bloodstained pink petals. She stared at them as she felt the first few tears roll down her cheeks.

What the— No! she thought desperately. This can't be.

She took the flower petals over to the toilet, where she flushed them. She washed her tear-stained face before returning to the office and sitting down across from Hinawa.

"Are you okay, Maki?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah. I think you gave me what you had," she said, coughing lightly.

Hinawa's face fell. He didn't know how to tell her that what he had wasn't contagious. He had already decided to keep his diagnosis of Hanahaki Disease to himself so that no one would fuss over him.

"Maki, maybe you should go to the doctor," Obi said. "I heard that the flu is spreading."

Maki's brain hatched an idea. She could go to the doctor and get an official diagnosis of her disease. After all, a professional would know better than her, right?

The next day, she was anxiously waiting in the exam room for the doctor when she became overwhelmed by emotions. She steadied her breathing as the doctor walked in.

"So, tell me what's been going on," the doctor said, setting down his medical bag.

Maki took a deep, shaky breath. "I've been coughing up blood since yesterday, and I was told that the flu was spreading, so I thought that it could be what's causing me to be sick."

Maki felt a small tickle at the back of her throat; she knew if she dared to cough then, she would cough up those pink flower petals again.

"Let me listen to your chest," the doctor said. He put his stethoscope in his ears and moved the bell over her back. She ignored the coldness of the stethoscope and instead concentrated on her breathing.

"Have you had any other symptoms?" the doctor asked her as he removed his stethoscope.

"Just a cough," she lied.

"Can you cough for me now?" he asked her.

Maki tried to cough as weakly as she could; instead, she coughed up another handful of bloody pink petals. She felt her heart constrict as she looked at the doctor. "Am I going to die?"

"Hanahaki Disease can end in death if the person you have feelings for doesn't return your feelings," he told her. "The flowers can take root in your heart and lungs and end up killing you. However, there are a few treatment options that we can do if you don't want to wait on a beloved to return your feelings."

"What are the other treatment options?" Maki asked.

"Well, we can let the disease run its course, or we can do an operation and remove the flowers," the doctor said. "However, if we go with that option, you won't be able to love ever again."

"That outcome isn't even worth the risk!" Maki exclaimed. "Although…"

She pondered over her other options. Should she let the disease run wild through her body when she wasn't even sure whom she had feelings for?

"I'm going to wait on deciding on a treatment option," Maki said.

"That's just fine," the doctor said, standing. "If you ever change your mind, feel free to contact my office, and we'll schedule you for surgery."

"Yes, thank you, doctor." Maki waited for him to leave the room before she began to cry.

I know I like the Lieutenant, but it's likely he doesn't like me back, Maki thought sadly to herself. I should move on from him and find someone else.

She hopped down from the exam table and gathered her things. She felt a soft tickle at the back of her throat and ignored it; she wanted to wait until she got back to the cathedral to cough up the petals. As Maki left the doctor's office, she walked across the street to get an ice cream cone. She sat down on a nearby bench and stared sadly into her melting cone.

I don't know what I'm going to tell everyone, she thought. I'll have to come up with a lie. Maybe something like I have a cold?

"Maki!"

Maki looked to see who could be calling her name and saw her older brother Takigi coming over to her. She stood up from the bench and walked over to greet him.

"Hey, how are you?" she asked him.

"I'm doing good. What are you doing away from Company 8?" her brother asked.

"I had a doctor appointment today," she replied calmly.

Her brother narrowed his eyes. "Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you; I have a friend-"

"–No!" she interjected, cutting him off.

"Let me finish!" he said. "I have a friend that you might be interested in, are you interested in meeting him next week for a date?"

"Next week?" she asked. "I can't just get days off whenever I feel like it!"

"Think about it, okay? And let me know if you'd like to meet up with him so I can tell him," Takigi said.

"If I do it, will you at least get off my back about it?" she asked hoarsely. She felt the flower petals at the back of her throat; she had to hurry and leave, and agreeing to a date with her brother's friend seemed to be the quickest option.

"Yeah, maybe," he told her.

"Then, I'll see him. But I have to get back to the cathedral. I'll see you later!" she told him.


Maki leaned her chin on her hand. She hadn't coughed up any flower petals for a few days and noticed that when she didn't think about the lieutenant, her suffering was easier. She sighed and stood from her desk and proceeded to walk into Obi's office, where he was talking to Hinawa. Her chest tightened as she glanced at the lieutenant and then quickly looked away.

"Excuse me, Captain, I have a request," she said saluting.

"Yeah? What is it, Maki?" Obi asked.

"I have a date tonight," Maki said, blushing. "Can I have the rest of the evening off?"

"Sure," Obi said. He set the weight he was holding down. "Are you sure you're feeling up to it, though?"

"Yeah. I've been feeling better lately, and if I don't go on this date, my brother will yell at me."

"Why do something for the sake of someone else?" Hinawa asked her.

Maki looked over at him. If only he knew, she thought. "It's my brother's friend. I can turn him down if I don't like him tonight."

Hinawa gripped his pen a little tighter as he felt his chest tighten. He didn't want to think about Maki with another man. He had been coughing up yellow camellia petals just that morning, and his pain seemed never to go away now.

Obi looked between Hinawa and Maki and noticed as they exchanged a few glances. He sighed; the last thing he needed was his two top fire soldiers in a relationship, but he also didn't want to deprive Maki of a personal life of her own. He knew Hinawa felt the same.

Didn't he?

"Have fun, Maki, but not too much fun," Obi said.

"Yes, sir, and thank you again!" Maki said before leaving.

Hinawa sighed. "Are you sure that was a good idea?" he asked.

"Who am I to stop you guys from having fun?" Obi said.

Hinawa sighed again. He finished up the report he had in his hand and put it back into its folder. As he walked into the office, he overheard Tamaki excitedly speaking to Maki.

"You have to wear makeup, Maki!" she was saying.

"I'm not a makeup person," Maki was telling her, pushing her away.

"But makeup will make you prettier than you already are! And then he'll want to date you again!" Tamaki insisted.

Help me, Hinawa silently pleaded.

"Isn't that right, Lieutenant?" Tamaki asked.

"I-I'm sorry?" he said.

"Do you think Maki will be prettier with makeup on?" Tamaki asked.

Hinawa blushed scarlet. "I think she'd be beautiful with or without makeup."

Maki smiled slightly as Tamaki started grumbling. She put her hand on her shoulder and led her down the hall. "Come help me decide on what to wear." As they walked away, Hinawa walked into the kitchen and pretended to stab himself in the heart with his pen. Dying would be easier than watching all of this fanfare, he thought.

He felt the all too familiar tinge of pain in the back of his throat as the flower petals threatened to show themselves. He hurried to his bedroom to cough them up in peace. After a few minutes of hacking, he was greeted not by a yellow camellia, but by a fully formed yellow rose instead.

"Is this some sick joke?" he said hoarsely, throwing the bloody flower across the room. A yellow rose meant jealousy; of course, he was jealous. Maki wasn't going out with him, was she?

I should kill myself, he thought. No one would miss me, and I would be cured.

He shook the dark thought from his head as he coughed again. Another yellow rose came up; he suddenly realized what was going on.

"Am I dying because I'm jealous?" Hinawa said aloud.

He held the rose in his hand. It was bloody from having traveled up his windpipe and cutting him with its thorns. He had already decided against having the surgery, but he knew that if he didn't take action soon, he would die. He picked up his phone and called the doctor. The ringing of the phone on the other end made the process even more agonizing than it already was.

I can't do this! he thought, hanging up the phone. What if it doesn't work out? What if she loves me too? He sighed into his hands. Company 8 doesn't deserve me as its lieutenant. I should hand in my resignation now. That way, I'd be away from both Company 8 and Maki.

He reached over and picked up his handgun. He didn't want to. But his only options right now were to either never love Maki again, which was impossible or to kill himself, which he didn't have the guts to do. He set down his firearm and began to weep. I don't want to do either one of these things.

A soft knock on his door made him jump; he put the gun back on his bedside table and quickly threw the yellow roses in the trash. He wiped his mouth and hurried to open the door.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"It's me, Lieutenant," Maki said. "Can I come in?"

Hinawa opened his bedroom door. "Yeah, sure. What is it?"

Maki stepped into his room. She was dressed in a pair of black slacks and a white sleeveless blouse; her curves were silhouetted gracefully.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he told her. "Why do you ask?"

"You just seemed weird earlier."

Because I don't want you going on this date? Because I want you to stay here with me? Hinawa couldn't stop thinking. "Sorry. I didn't take you to be one who would want to go out on dates."

Maki puffed up. "Well, I do!"

Hinawa pushed his glasses up on his nose. "I'm not stopping you from going out on dates. But please be careful, okay?"

Maki's expression softened. "Okay, Lieutenant."

He watched her leave and reluctantly picked up the phone again. He didn't want to die because of Maki.


"So what all has my brother told you about me?" Maki asked her date as she took a sip of her water. Her mouth was parched.

"He said that you were a first-class fire soldier in the fire force," her date said nervously. "And that you were coerced into joining by your company's lieutenant."

Maki sighed. She knew it was just too good to be true. She looked at the crowded tables around her and wondered how she could dump this incredibly nice guy in the most polite way possible.

"Listen, I don't know what my brother has told you, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now," she told him.

"Oh. Okay. I'm sorry." The guy stood and bowed. "I'll see you around then."

Maki sighed as she stayed by herself in the restaurant. A few minutes later, a familiar voice surprised her.

"Is this seat taken?"

Maki jumped and turned to see Hinawa pulling out the chair that her date had just vacated. She sighed and shook her head.

"No, feel free to join me."

"What's wrong?"

"I just can't date him," Maki told him.

Hinawa flagged down a waiter for a glass of water. He had told Obi that he was coming to check on Maki because he knew that something like this might happen; after all, it's Maki.

"So why are you here?" she asked him.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said.

"That's nice," she told him.

It was; Maki had never known someone to be so concerned about her that they'd come and check up on her in the middle of a date. Hinawa looked at her sheepishly.

"Please tell Obi that when we return, he thought it seemed like a dumb idea," he said.

"Well, it was that too," Maki said.

"Have we decided on what we're going to order?" the waiter asked.

"W-We're not on a date," Hinawa said, blushing. His heart fluttered furiously.

"We were just about to leave," Maki said firmly. She grabbed her purse. "All we had was water."

The waiter gave them a tight-lipped smile. "Have a good evening, then."

As Maki and Hinawa took their leave, Maki couldn't help but giggle. She slipped her arm through Hinawa's and dragged him up the street. Hinawa smiled and allowed himself to be pulled along behind her.

"So, how did you know what restaurant I was at?" she asked him as they walked.

"I overheard Tamaki and Iris talking," Hinawa lied. He stuffed his fists into his pants pockets. "I'm sorry if it seems like I bothered you."

"No, it's okay, Lieutenant Hinawa, really," Maki said. She was deep in thought, and had turned her head toward the deepening purple sky. "I don't mind your company."

Hinawa's eyes widened for a moment as he registered what she said. He opened his mouth to tell her something, but quickly changed his mind and instead looked at the ground. Maki saw him hesitate out of the corner of her eye and walked over to him.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"I-I have to leave the office for a bit this week, nothing major," he said. You liar! he yelled at himself. You're having a major operation, tell her!

"Just be sure to come back, okay?"

"Of course," he told her. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't you come back?" Maki mumbled under her breath.