Chapter 65

"So, Shindou doesn't want to come to my apartment? Afraid I'll push him into my oven?" Ogata said wryly to his cell phone.

"Please don't joke right now." Akira winced, hoping he wasn't going to need to take an aspirin for the massive headache he could feel building. Usually Akira didn't mind a bit of teasing from Ogata, but Hikaru had stayed mostly silent the entire morning, instead tapping his fan against his hand and staring at the television dully.

"Well then," Ogata said, "We could meet for lunch somewhere."

"That sounds like a good idea. Where would you suggest?"

"How about that Italian place in Ebisu that you like - Amapola?"

"Wait a moment, please." Akira covered the receiver. "Hikaru, do you like Italian?"

Hikaru shrugged in a manner that Akira interpreted as do-I-really-look-like-I-care?

"That would be fine," Akira said into the phone. "I look forward to meeting Fujiwara-san, then."

"Fujiwara looks forward to meeting you both as well."

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"He wouldn't forget me. Even if he could have come back, he wouldn't have forgotten me. He would have come back for me. He would never forget me," Hikaru said, his voice tight and low.

Does Fujiwara-san remember Hikaru's name?

No, he doesn't,Ogata had answered after a pause. Then: I also showed him a picture of Shindou from Go Weekly, but he didn't recognize it. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't know Shindou; sometimes it takes awhile for his memories to register.

"I looked everywhere for him when he disappeared. If it had been me who had disappeared, he would have looked for me and he would have never stopped until he found me. He was just that type, you know. Really determined. Kinda obsessive, actually," Hikaru said, his eyes distant. "This couldn't be him, after all."

"What if it really is him?" Akira's voice was low and desperate."Wouldn't that be a good thing, then? You've searched for him everywhere, now he's coming back to you..."

Hikaru was gripping his seat arm rest so hard his knuckles were white. He kept staring straight ahead, as if he were holding a conversation with the seat in front of him instead of Akira. "Ogata said Sai doesn't remember anything. So he's gonna want to know about himself. Like where he lives and about his family and his job and how we met, and he's going to ask a million questions like he always did - and what exactly am I supposed to tell him? " Hikaru's voice cracked on the question.

Hikaru was scared, Akira realized with a jolt.

"Akira, I can't tell him he was my ghost because he committed suicide over a thousand years ago!" Hikaru shivered visibly.

"Hikaru. Look at me!" Akira interrupted, his voice commanding. Then he waited. He waited until Hikaru dragged his face away from the seat to hesitantly meet Akira's gaze. Hikaru looked like a scared little boy, his eyes large with fear and pleading, nothing like the fierce opponent Akira was used to facing across the goban. "I know this's not gonna be easy, but think about the positive side! If that is really Sai, it means you've got him back in your life. We can work to revive his memory. I'll be by your side...Sai's your friend, so he's mine too!"

"I don't think he ever forgot that you were the first one he got to play a real game with, after being stuck in Grandpa's goban," Hikaru said, rubbing his thumb against his fan with an air of consideration. "And he was always using you to spur me on, stuff like 'I bet Akira's practicing now!' when I wanted to play video games instead of go. Or 'You must face your fears like Akira, who is a brave young dragon on the goban!' when I was having a tough time during the pro exams."

"Did he really say something like that?" Akira said, blushing lightly. It was surprising, but still kind of nice to know that Hikaru's ghost had liked him.

"Sai always said lots of weird things," he said, apparently misunderstanding the cause of Akira's surprise. "It wasn't his fault, I guess, since he was born in the Heian, and they had lots of crazy ideas. You wouldn't believe how long it took me to convince him that people have actually been to the moon. He thought I was just teasing him." Hikaru smiled sadly. "For a dead guy, he was usually pretty happy. Until near the end, when he got scared he would disappear, and angry because I hardly ever let him play. That's why...if it is Sai..."

Akira nodded to encourage Hikaru to keep talking.

"He seems happy in that picture. But if I tell him the truth, then he'll remember it was my fault he disappeared, and then he'll hate me for not letting him play." Hikaru lowered his eyes to the fan in his hand.

"I don't think Sai could ever hate you, especially since you did the best you could. It was a difficult situation," Akira said, smoothing Hikaru's cheeks assuringly. "Two talented, strong-willed players sharing one body was an arrangement that simply could not work for long, no matter how strong the friendship. And didn't he give you his fan in your dream? He wanted you to carry on his legacy. His Go."

"But I just wanted him back," Hikaru whispered, a shadow darkening his features. "If he's really back, I don't wanna... you know, make him sad. I don't want him to remember what I did."

Akira quietly took time to process that. Sai had been Hikaru's friend on a level that Akira knew he might never fully comprehend, or compete with. Sai had lived in Hikaru's very consciousness; for over two years, the two had done everything as one. No wonder Hikaru was so desperate at the thought that Sai could be back, and terrified about how Sai would react to him, especially upon learning about his own past. It was too much of a burden for one person to bear.

But Sai had Hikaru. And Hikaru had him.

"You have to tell him the truth. Concealing the truth is not an option," Akira said finally. Akira had been learning from Ogata for years, and he knew how to learn from Ogata's mistakes just as well as his successes. He was not going to be party to keeping secrets from Fujiwara.

Hikaru's breath hitched, and Akira quickly continued. "But you don't have to tell him all at once. It's like..." Akira paused, fumbling for an analogy. "Shidougo. You can't tell a beginner all the mistakes he made in his very first game, or he'll be completely overwhelmed and he'll be afraid to even put a stone down the next time. You have to work it out with him a little at a time, letting him see the patterns emerging for himself. That's better than you just telling him because he'll see the truth on his own. Let me put it this way: I don't think you ought to tell Sai that he was your ghost at our first meeting."

"Yeah, I guess not," Hikaru said shakily. "But then how I do explain things? That's kinda important to the whole 'Where did I come from?' bit."

"You can't lie to him. You don't want to do anything to undermine his trust. You're going to have to hope that he accepts that you can't tell him everything right away, because of the... particulars of his past."

Hikaru swallowed, looking half-panicked again. "But I'm not good at that sort of thing! I always blurt out what I'm thinking and get in trouble for it."

With a wince, Akira recalled a few of Hikaru's more memorable slip-ups. "Well, we still have about two hours before the appointment. Let's discuss what you should say. Just in case."

Hikaru looked like he had cheered up a bit. Suddenly, he reached out to cup Akira's face in his palms, put a kiss on his lips, their lips locking for a brief second. "Akira, what am I to do without you?" Something golden and warm seemed to spread all over Akira's chest, and he looked deep into Hikaru's jade green eyes and grinned, for the first time since yesterday.

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Credits to: Ontogenesis (Desynchronization) and Stirring-still ( Preliminaries)