Chapter 68
"Fujiwara-san is not feeling well, so Hikaru and I brought him back to your apartment. I apologize for the intrusion."
As Ogata reached his apartment, he saw Fujiwara was covered in a heavy blanket, even though it was still relatively warm outside. Hikaru sat silently by his side with an utterly anxious face. Both of them didn't stir when Ogata approached.
Ogata's frown deepened. There was something pinched about Sai's face, as if he were unable to relax even in sleep. Like he was in pain. Ogata touched the back of his palm to Sai's forehead. His skin wasn't hot, despite the blanket, so he wasn't running a fever at least.
There was nothing else Ogata could check without disturbing Sai. He'd have to wait until the other man woke up.
Akira was waiting at the kitchen table, his hands folded in his lap. "He's been sleeping mostly ever since we brought him back. Sometimes he wakes up with a start, but he doesn't stay awake for long."
Ogata sat down heavily, letting a long breath out. "Akira, what exactly happened at Shindou's grandparents' place?"
"He remembers now," Akira said quietly.
Ogata froze, trying to process what he had just heard. "What... what exactly does he remember?" Ogata managed to ask.
Akira's gaze slid over to the living room. "Everything, it seems. Everything that Hikaru already knew, as well as things that Hikaru had no knowledge of."
Sai was cured? His amnesia was gone? No wonder Sai had suffered a meltdown. Remembering so much at once would be enough to overwhelm just about anyone. "So he remembers where he comes from? His past life?" Ogata asked as evenly as he could manage with his blood pounding in his ears.
Akira nodded. "Yes. But it's..." Akira paused, searching for words. "...complicated."
"'Complicated'?" Ogata arched an eyebrow. Obviously, Akira didn't want to breach whatever confidence Shindou was holding him to, something Ogata didn't actually hold against Akira. Akira was incapable of being rational whenever Shindou was involved. "That's rather vague."
Akira bit at his lip, then said. "I told you that Fujiwara-san wakes up sometimes," Akira continued. "He's... checking to make sure that we're still here. He's afraid. Afraid of being left alone."
Ogata nodded, recalling Sai's nightmare a few weeks ago. He'd been afraid of being left alone then, too, something Ogata had attributed to his amnesia. "That's not surprising. He must feel vulnerable."
"There's more, of course, but I don't think it's my place to tell you," Akira said, a hint of apology in his tone.
"Don't worry about it. That's enough information for now. I'll discuss the rest with Fujiwara later, and see where he wants to go from here. Why don't you two go home and get some rest? You look tired," Ogata suggested, noticing Akira's sagging shoulders and drawn face. He was probably drained after dealing with such an emotional situation. "Go home. Take Shindou with you, before he collapses. I'll take proper care of Fujiwara."
Akira nodded in agreement, and got up from his chair and dragged Hikaru with him. Hikaru tried to argue at first, but Akira convinced him with the smoothes voice he had and succeeded at last.
Ogata followed the two to the entranceway. Akira put on his shoes, and then gave Ogata a measured look. "Ogata-san, Fujiwara-san's past is... unusual."
"Fujiwara is unusual. It's probably a prerequisite to becoming a Go player," Ogata said dryly.
Akira shook his head. "It's more than that. His story isn't easy to believe. Please try to keep an open mind."
Ogata frowned, wondering exactly what Akira thought he'd have a hard time believing about a man he'd found floating in a canal in the middle of the night. There was nothing normal about Fujiwara. Of course he'd have a strange past. "Alright, Akira-kun. I understand. And thank you, for taking care of Fujiwara-san."
"I'm glad I could do something," Akira said, but his troubled eyes didn't match the smile on his lips.
Ogata closed the door, pondering Akira's expression. He was probably still worried about Fujiwara. Akira had always possessed a tender side.
###
Ogata was puzzling over a kifu when a gasp broke his concentration.
Sai was awake.
"Ogata-sensei?" Sai whispered. "Are you there?" With sluggish movements, as if he were underwater, he pushed the blanket off, and struggled to right himself.
"I'm here," Ogata said quickly, getting out of his chair. He sat down beside Sai on the couch. The other man was shivering, Ogata realized with alarm.
Sai squinted at him as if he were having trouble focusing. "Ogata-sensei?"
Ogata took Fujiwara's hand and squeezed it briefly. "I'm right here."
Sai blinked slowly, craning his neck as he looked side to side. "Where are Akira and Hikaru? How long have you been here?"
Ogata draped the blanket around Sai's shoulders. "About an hour or so. Akira and Shindou both look very exhausted, so I told them I'd take care of you, so the two could leave and get some rest."
Sai fingered the tassels on the blanket idly.
"I'm sorry I'm always causing problems for you."
"You aren't troublesome. You've held up remarkably well, considering what you've been through," Ogata said. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Ogata-sensei, you gave me shelter and cared for me. You deserve to know," Sai said after a long moment of silence had passed."I want you to believe me. I... need you to believe me." He sounded almost desperate.
"Why would you think that I wouldn't?"
Sai swallowed, and closed his eyes. "Ogata-sensei... you're very logical. Rational. You believe in the facts, in things you can touch and analyze and figure out. This is not like that."
Ogata frowned. He'd heard of people who claimed they were the reincarnation of Jesus Christ or Napoleon or the great Alexander, but Ogata had always chalked it up to attention-seeking behavior by people bored with their mundane lives. But Sai didn't fit that profile at all. "Please," Ogata said, "give me the benefit of the doubt. I trust you."
"Thank you," Sai said, giving Ogata a shaky smile. He exhaled slowly. "I... used to teach go to the Emperor. I was one of two tutors to his Majesty. But my rival – the other go tutor – was jealous of me. He framed me by pretending that I had... cheated at a game, and I was cast out of the court." Fujiwara broke eye contact with Ogata. "I couldn't bear the shame. So I drowned myself."
A cold chill ran over Ogata's body. No one had tried to murder Sai. Sai had tried and failed to kill himself, and Ogata had found him floating in the canal.
"But I still wanted to find the Hand of God, so my spirit was unable to ascend to heaven. My soul was trapped inside my goban – the same one that later passed into the hands of Torajirou and eventually into the hands of Hikaru's grandfather." Sai paused, and took a deep breath. "I spent... hundreds of years in that goban, just waiting for someone – anyone – who could hear my voice, so I could have another chance to play go again. All that time, and there were only two."
Ogata's mind went numb. Sai actually believed he'd committed suicide successfully - and that he'd been dead for hundreds of years. Sai hadn't been referring to the current Emperor at all.
"This is why I became so upset earlier. Hikaru showed me the goban in his grandfather's storage shed, and I remembered that it had been the prison for my soul," Sai said quietly. Sai continued his story about how Torajirou had allowed him – or rather, Sai's spirit - to play all of Torajirou's games under the name Honinbou Shuusaku.
Ogata kept his face very still, but inwardly, his horror was increasing as he realized that Sai believed every single word that he was saying about his existence as a spirit. There was no hint of a joke in Sai's tone, no twitch to betray a lie, just the same sincerity that Sai always exhibited. This was all quite real to Sai.
Then Sai began to explain the circumstances under which he'd met and possessed Shindou Hikaru, persuaded him to take up go as a hobby, and sent the entire go community into a state of upheaval.
Despite Ogata's disbelief, he couldn't help noting how well the pieces of the story fit together, like patterns on a goban. Sai's explanation meshed with the bits of the story Ogata already knew, like how Shindou's abilities fluctuated from brilliant to bad then better, and how extremely reluctant Shindou had been to divulge any information about s a i, and why Shindou possessed such an incongruous fixation with Honinbou Shuusaku (Ogata couln't help recalling Shindous dog fight against Ko Yongha ). The story worked startlingly well, even the part about Sai's alleged past in the Heian court, which explained Sai's hobbies and mannerisms.
"It was shortly after that game with Touya-sensei that I disappeared. I still don't know exactly why I disappeared. Neither does Hikaru. He told me that he quit playing go for several months because he thought it would bring me back." Sai's gaze turned inwards. "I think what scares me the most is that I don't know why I was allowed to come back with a body. Maybe I'll just disappear again," he admitted in a tight voice.
Sai did not speak again, and Ogata realized he was finished with his story. It was a story that explained Sai's past perfectly, except for the minor fact that it was completely insane. Ogata was at an utter loss for words. What exactly what he supposed to say? Sai clearly believed that he had told Ogata the truth, and he wanted Ogata's support. Actually, Ogata wished he could lie to Sai; he wished he could pretend that he believed Sai's story.
But Ogata had sworn to himself that he'd never lie to Sai again, not after that initial lie of omission had almost destroyed their relationship. Nor could Ogata support Sai in believing complete nonsense. That would only hurt Sai's recovery in the long run. What Ogata needed to do was calm Sai down first, and then help him think rationally about his situation. From there, Sai could make informed decisions about his future.
"You aren't going anywhere," Ogata said reassuringly, steepling his hands. "People just don't disappear. Spirits, maybe – I won't claim any knowledge of the occult or even its existence - but obviously you're a real, tangible person." Ogata took a deep breath, regarding Sai carefully. "I think maybe you ought to consider visiting a psychiatrist. I'm sure Dr. Kiyohara could recommend a good one, someone who is easy to talk to. You can discuss your fears about disappearing and your amnesia with the psychiatrist, and he or she can help you work through your issues."
"You think I'm crazy. You don't believe me," Sai said, his eyes growing moist. He drew back in his chair, his water nearly sloshing out of his glass.
Ogata felt his stomach knotting at the sight of Sai withdrawing from him like Ogata was repulsive. It would be so much easier to lie, and let Sai lean against him again. "I believe that you believe your story is real. I don't think you're lying; I think you're confused, and I think you're still in recovery. There's nothing wrong with going to a doctor to work out your problems. I probably should have suggested this sooner, in truth, to help you deal with the stress and bad dreams."
"Hikaru said I shouldn't tell other people because they would put me on drugs or lock me up, and I wouldn't be able to play go anymore. I don't want to," Sai said, setting his jaw stubbornly.
A flash of anger made Ogata's vision go white for an instant. So Shindou had warned Sai to be afraid of the very same people who could help him. He'd abused Sai's unwavering trust in him by engineering this crazy, elaborate story that gave Fujiwara the answers he needed, but for what purpose? Sai was confused and sick, but Shindou had no such excuse.
Suddenly, Ogata had an epiphany: if Sai believed he had a special, secret connection with Shindou that no one else could know about, then he'd be tied to Shindou. Shindou had convinced Sai that there was no one else in his life, that Sai was truly alone, and that only Shindou understood him, that Sai had been his ghost, his constant companion for two and a half years. That was a powerfully binding story - and horribly dishonest. Shindou had obviously known Sai before his failed suicide, and he'd used Sai's amnesia to manipulate the man for his own selfish reasons. He'd even gotten Akira to go along with the charade, probably by using Akira's infatuation with him.
Ogata was disgusted. "Don't you think it's a little unwise for Shindou to be advising you not to seek professional help? He's still a child, and ignorant about much of the world," Ogata said, biting back the words he really wanted to say.
"I trust Hikaru. And Hikaru trusts me," Sai said pointedly.
Ogata's patience snapped. "Shindou is lying to you! He can't stand the thought you of regaining your independence from him, so he's using his position to encourage you to believe a ridiculous story – one that, might I add, conveniently makes you very dependent on him. And of course he told you not to talk to anyone else; they'd realize how wild the story is, and they'd try to talk you out of it."
Sai's lips trembled. "You're jealous. You're jealous of our relationship," he said, his tone half-disbelieving.
Ogata rubbed at his temples. He was developing a major headache. "I'm not jealous; I'm worried. You can't keep believing these lies. It's unhealthy."
"I remembered most of these 'lies' on my own. And I remember things that Hikaru never knew, like the color of his Majesty's eyes, and the first song I learnt on my flute, and the smell of Heian-kyou after a hard rain. Hikaru didn't lie, and you're hardly in a place to be accusing anyone of dishonesty, Ogata-sensei," Sai whispered, tears slipping out of his eyes. "I'm sorry that I asked you to believe such a difficult story, but you're important to me, so I thought you should know what I am – what I was. I guess I was just being selfish again, because I knew that you don't believe in such things."
"Please don't cry," Ogata murmured. His head still hurt, and now he felt sick to his stomach, watching Sai cry. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. Maybe there was nothing to say.
Sai rubbed at his eyes. "I'm sorry. Please excuse me." he said, abruptly standing up. "Thank you for everything you've done for me, Ogata-sensei. But I think it's time for me to leave." He stared at Ogata hesitatingly for a moment. "Goodbye."
Ogata watched him go.
###
Credits to: Ontogenesis (Desynchronization)
