Chapter 11: No Fish Outta' Water
It had been a few days since Spongebob began his fetch quests for the mafia, but they had finally come to an end. Spongebob went to work for his new position, and after his plight, he was finally being inducted into the family.
"Hope this ceremony goes fast." Spongebob whispered to Fenry, taking a swig from is flask. Hard liquor inside. "Got a date today. In court."
"With any luck, it will." He chuckled to Spongebob.
Cyrus stood on top of the stage, in front of Spongebob, and the room was filled with empty chairs, where only a few fish sat in the crowd.
"...and on this Meptember afternoon, we formally introduce Spongebob Squarepants into the mafia." Cyrus finished his 15 minute long speech, and the fish that were in the crowd were wiping away their tears.
Spongebob stood from his chair at the back of the stage and lowered his head, allowing the Tektite medal to be placed over his body. It was heavier than he thought it would be, and he fingered the smooth black medal as its cold surface pressed into his spongy chest.
"But with this new fish in our family, we must follow tradition. And, I'm afraid you all know what that means."
Fenry gasped in the chair next to Spongebob.
"Oh no…I didn't think it was real..." Fenry said, covering his wormy mouth.
"The tradition? What's that?" Spongebob questioned.
"As you all know, in the Mafia Terms of Service V.601, it clearly states that for every hundredth induction in the mafia, we must sacrifice one member to our Sun God." Cyrus bellowed through the mic.
Murmurs spread through the small crowd, with many Whats? And Huhs?
Cyrus frowned. "Didn't any of you read the Terms of Service?"
The crowd stayed silent.
"Goddamn it." Cyrus growled. "Fenry, please roll out The Bowl."
Fenry scrambled from his seat, and rolled out a giant bowl filled with tiny little papers inside of them.
"We are to pick one name from the bowl, and they shall be executed. Their blood will be harvested for our sun God." Cyrus bellowed. "This religious ceremony is imperative to retain our status as the top mafia family in the area. For every drop of blood the sun God receives, we will receive much more in return from them." Cyrus dug his hand into the bowl, and took a name out.
Cyrus looked at the name, and swallowed. "Fenry Cooterbottom." All eyes in the audience struck Fenry, still standing on the stage. "Bring out the fish fryer." A squad of mafia members, wearing ceremonial hoods wheeled out a giant pot of boiling oil. They also had a side of egg yolks, so the breadcrumbs would stick.
"Please!" The team of guards walked towards Fenry, ready to begin the fryening. "I have a wife! And 3 beautiful cucumberlings."
Cyrus held the slip of paper close to his body, "Let us all begin the ceremonial chant." A few heads turned, as no one knew the chant.
"No! I'm allergic to eggs!"
"They spelled your name wrong." Spongebob said. Everyone in the audience froze, including the guards on stage.
Cyrus looked shocked, and then clenched his fist, hiding the paper slip. "What? No, you're mistaken."
Spongebob had taken a few hits of seaweed earlier, and continued to speak regardless of any consequences. "No, they spelled it Crumblebottom not Cooterbottom."
Cyrus brought the slip near his face, but only glanced at it. "Oh. It seems you're right, a harmless mistake."
"It spelled the first name wrong too, Cyrus 'Little Tunny' Crumblebottom? Fenry isn't that hard to spell." Spongebob knew he was talking too much, but the words escaped him. He was just too damn excited about the ceremony- he had to have a little. "You can read right through the paper, see?"
The guards dropped Fenry.
Cyrus looked at the audience, and then back at Spongebob. "What? Are you high?" Spongebob was more than high though, he had raided the liquor cabinet and finished off all his bottles. The guards pushed Cyrus over, and took the slip from him.
"Cyrus...It's you…" Spongebob said. The crowd stood, mortified by the twist of events.
"You should get somethin' a little extra...just for lying." Fenry took out his gun, and put it to the side of Cyrus' head. "Get the tank."
"The tank? Oh god no, not the tank!" Cyrus pleaded, but it was no use. It was too late to stop the wheel once it began rolling.
A large glass tank was rolled out to the stage, for everyone to see. The room had began to fill up now, now that things were finally starting to get interesting to them.
The two guards pulled the door of the tank open, and a rush of air came out, sending massive bubbles shooting towards the ceiling.
"How dare you try to kill me? In order to save yourself? I'm discustard." Fenry dropped his friendly guise, and showed a sliver of his true colors. "You're gonna rot for this one."
"Anything but the tank...please don't put me in the tank!" The two guards pushed Cyrus into the tank, and he tripped into it. They sealed the door, and two distinct locking sounds were heard.
Fenry slithered over to the control panel, and began to calibrate the machine. Cyrus was banging on the glass with his two fins, but it was no use. They could not hear his screams, nor would they care if they could hear them. Fenry pulled a large lever, and a green button began to blink on the panel.
Fenry pressed the button.
And the water began to drain.
Cyrus began to panic, he was kneeling in the tank, trying to savor the water he could before his gills were exposed.
He didn't last long at all once they were though.
He thrashed through the tank, flopping around. He could not breathe at all. He choked, he screamed, and eventually the eyes rolled into the back of his head and he collapsed. He flopped a few more times, but did not move after that.
"Ha ha ha." Fenry Chuckled. "Just like a fish outta water."
Just then, the double doors in the back of the room burst open. Spongebob didn't see who was there until he looked at the ground.
It was Plankton.
Debra PfishBurg sat at her desk, the screen booping and beeping as the tetris game progressed. She had just reached level 19, which we all know is the level that increases the speed really fast, when her Apple Shell's screen cracked into a dozen or so pieces.
Officer Nancy Druid Scalington-Chowderpham had nabbed another perp, lunging him into her workspace area. "What gives, druid-fluid?" Debby said.
"At least I'm working, Debbie, what're you doing?" She was still cuffing the man, or bubble some would say.
"I'm sorting the files into um the back-up drive." Debbie closed the Shetris window (shell tetris), despite the screen being cracked to bits.
"When are you going to pull your head out of your ass and help out around here? Jeeze I've been so busy this is the first time we've got to talk in 11+1 chapters. I'm taking care of the current criminals, yet you're still here chasing that cold Star case. Don't you know when to give up? " Nancy was still struggling to contain Bubble Buddy, he spit towards Nancy's direction.
"Get t'fuck off me, I didn' do nothing!" His voice cracked, and not in the cute way. The rest of the fish-officers continued filing through paperwork, never making eye contact with Nancy, who was doing all the real work.
"I found this one right here, drugged off the side of the beach, almost drifted off in the Goo Lagoon. Those nasty IV drugs are ruining Bikini Bottom." The cuffs were firmly fastened, she flipped the bubble-man around. "I saved your life, you hear me?"
Bubble Buddy just snarled, his face inches from hers. Debbie got up, taking a few files with her, "I'm off to do my job, just like you, right?" She gave a condescending smile, why she ever chose to work with her sister, was something not even she knew.
"Hey." Nancy said firmly. "People like me, are preventing fish like Helga from dying." Oh no, she said it. The rest of the office continued as normal, but they all were listening to the newest gossip. That's 80% of the reason they were hired too, office drama gets stale, precinct drama on the other hand, did not.
Debbie didn't say anything, her eyes only matched Nancy's, and then looked away. Off to continue some "work". Debra flicked down the visor of her beat up cop car, ready to do some policing. Well, some Debbie-styled policing. She glanced down at the manilla folder she kept in the passenger's seat, open to a large photo of Squidward Testicles.
Plankton walked into the room, his hands on his hips. He analyzed the situation. Cyrus was dead in the tank. Fenry was shaking with anger. And Spongebob was in the middle of it all, confused by everything that just happened.
"Plankton? What are you doing here?" Spongebob slurred., and the entire room burst into laughter.
"What am I doing here? Why, this is my family! My mafia! I'm the Godfather." He snickered, but then his smile faded. "You didn't know?"
"No." Spongebob said. His eyes began to droop, and the later stages of drunkness were beginning to take root.
Plankton bit his lip.
"No matter. I request you in my office. Come with me please." Plankton twirled his handlebar moustache he had been sporting since chapter 5.
Spongebob followed Plankton through the winding halls of the mafia HQ. The twists and turns made him dizzy, between the intoxication and the vertigo, along with the cancer that was growing within him. There were many doors, and if he were to ever find himself lost in them, he wouldn't be finding his way out.
They entered an elevator at the end of the hallway, and Plankton pressed the top floor.
"Excellent work on that rat Cyrus. He was beginning to get on my nerves, and his disposal today has changed things for the better." He said.
The elevator dinged at the top floor.
"Now, if you'd just follow me." Plankton said. He jumped, and put a key in a door just to the right of the elevator. The door reluctantly creaked open. "After you."
"Wow." Spongebob spat. "How high does this place go?"
"You'll see. Soon enough."
A large metal door met them, and on the other side was the roof of the Plankton Mafia's HQ.
The wind today was fierce and unrelenting. Spongebob's knees buckled, and he spread them in an attempt to not be blown over.
That was when Plankton drew his gun.
"Why are you here?" Plankton questioned.
"Wh-what do you mean?" Spongebob cried, he had found himself in yet another dangerous situation.
"You...joining my family. You've managed to weasel your way into my family within the matter of a week. I oversaw your approval just to get to the bottom of it. Why are you here? I won't ask again, so don't answer with another question." Plankton growled, shaking his gun at Spongebob.
"I-I-"
"Stutter again and you'll be stuttering your way right off the roof of this building." Plankton took a step towards Spongebob, who took a step back. "I want to hear it from you."
"I-I'm here for information!" Spongebob cried, he flinched from Plankton, who did not lower his gun.
"Just as I thought. I just so happen to have information, luckily for you. Just what you're looking for. But you're gonna have to prove you're loyal to me. Can you do that?" Plankton said.
Spongebob said nothing.
"CAN YOU DO THAT?" Plankton cocked his gun, ready to fire.
"YES! YES I CAN DO THAT!" He shouted, stumbling with his words.
"Good. Then, as you prove your loyalty to me I will reveal what I know. In time." The gun finally lowered. "For taking care of Cyrus, I'll give you a piece of the puzzle." Plankton stepped closer, close enough to whisper. "Patrick? He was whacked. And someone was paid to do it."
CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG- the metal door rushed open, blinding squidward in a haze of white. Squidward was alone in the dark for some time now, and was shocked by the presence of a fish.
"It's time for your court hearing Mr. Tentacles." An old fish held a clipboard, and 2 pairs of glasses. I guess for double the seeing power, "I'm going to need you to get dressed. Officer PfishBurg here doesn't have all day."
Emerging from the shadows, "Just call me Debbie." She locked eyes with the hardly dressed Squid.
"I'm indecent- give me a minute." He rushed over to get his signature brown shirt- allotted to him only for today, to look fancy in front of the court.
"Justice doesn't wait, Takoyaki." She dragged him out of his cell, regardless of his protests. The ride was long, and awkward. They had spoken before, but she had only ever been cold to him.
"I like what you did with your hair." Squidward crossed only 2 of his arms.
"We don't need to talk while I drive." She glanced into the rearview mirror, seeing he was already looking directly at her. She looked away quickly, "You should plead guilty."
She felt Squidward's gaze, heavy on her peripheral vision. "Why do you say that?" The drive felt longer the necessary. Debbie just gazed out the window. "I'm innocent, you know." Debbie laughed, almost turning her head fully around.
"The courts will never believe that. Or at least no sane jury would. You're heading straight to the chair, you know that?" Squidward never stopped staring into that rearview mirror. "Bikini Bottom's biggest case is about to be solved, there's no way they'll go easy on you."
"Why do you care?" He looked out the window, they were passing the strip club. It brought no comfort for Squidward though, at least, not anymore. He looked back up at Debby, a lock of her hair broke from its bun.
"Because if you don't want to be on every news channel in The Pacific, you'll plead guilty and we can send you far far away." Her grip tightened on the wheel.
"I'm already on the news, hunty." He started to mess with the handcuffs behind his back, it was cutting into his tentacles.
"If you keep messing with those cuffs, I'm pulling over." She sped up slightly, they were only a mile or so away now. They had just passed Goo Lagoon and were approaching the run-down Walmart. Squidhard hadn't stopped messing with the cuffs though, he only made his moves more subtle.
"For someone who acts like such a badass, you're quite the sweet pea." Debby made no reaction. "I mean, why do you really care? Why do you keep bullying me in the interrogation room?" Squidward had felt he hit a sore spot.
She slammed on the brakes, twisting his arm upwards as he face planted into the front seat. "Because sometimes, the bad guys get away. Sometimes, they take people away and there's no justice. You're going down, and I'm going to make sure of it." She glanced at her photo of Helga in the dashboard. Squidward followed her eyes. He didn't know what the photo meant, but his perception of her changed. The car screeched to a halt. There were dozens of reporters flashing lights, a row of guards that were trying to keep a walking space. Debra turned back, towards Squidward. "When you get to heaven… say hi for me." She gave a look of insincerity, but worse of all cockiness.
"Go… suck a dick." He exited the car, a group of police fish escorted him past the reporters. They split like a coconut, allowing Squidward to squirm past. He had felt like a celebrity, not in anyway he thought he'd be a celebrity. It was something. He kept trying to think of things, anything but his immediate surroundings. He would lose his mind if he sat down and thought of the likelihood of his death.
"Mr. Tentacles did you kill your friend?" A reporter asked. Another flashing lightbulb
"Mr. Tentacles, any update on your rumored lover Spongebob Squarepants? He's gone off the grid after missing your last court date. Will he be back today?" Another lightbulb.
"Why did you kill Patrick Star?" Another. He could not take much more.
"Is Spongebob dead too?"
Squidward burst through the main entrance of the courthouse with his guards escorting him, his tentacles still handcuffed behind his back. Another day in court, with significant and new evidence being brought to the room, allegedly.
Squidward entered the courtroom, his head facing down. He saw a speck of yellow in the corner of his eye. He looked up, and saw Spongebob giving a stare that burned straight through him.
Spongebob sat in the courtroom, waiting for Squidward to walk through those doors. He had missed the last court date in his travels - and he made it a point to make it to this one. Spongebob sighed, and took a hit from his brand new seaweed wax pen. It took away the pains his condition gave him - without the icky smell of the seaweed. It tugged away at the pain...all of it. The seaweed was potentially prolonging his life.
The doors opened, and Spongebob looked up. Squidward had finally made it to the court. He couldn't take his eyes off Squidward, he couldn't get a read on whether he was guilty or not.
They were looking at each other now. For some reason, Spongebob remembered the kiss they had shared under the mistletoe once. Oh, how different things had been then.
If only those days were still around.
"Greetings everyone." The judge bellowed. "Let's get started. I have a golf game at 3. Squidward Q. Tentacolo, put your tentacle on this bible." Squidward put a hand on the bible. "Do you solemnly swear to tell truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Björk?"
"I do."
The stage had finally set, and court was ready to begin.
"Your honor, we have new evidence to bring into the court that was recently uncovered by an officer of the law since our last meeting here. I'd like to call Officer Debra Pfishburg Scalington-Chowderpham to the bench today." The DA said. It was the same guy as last time, consistently dedicated to keeping Squidward behind bars.
"You may proceed."
Debby made her way to the bench, her face stern.
"Debby, you investigated the scene at Squidward Tentacles house just a few weeks ago, is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
The DA took out a remote control and pressed a button. The television behind him lit up with photos of a dark room.
"Was this the room you came to find behind a bolted shut door in Squidward Tentacles' home?"
The jury of sardines studied the television, along with the rest of the people sitting in the benches of the audience.
The room itself looked pretty normal, but that was quite the contrary. The room had a light oak desk in it, and it was covered in dozens of miscellaneous papers. As the DA scrolled through the images, it contained photos of Spongebob and Patrick in their glory days, a safe with a gun, fake passport, and money inside of it.
"These are some of the items that you and the forensics team were able to uncover that night, is that correct?"
Debby bit her lip. He was finally gonna go to jail.
"Yes. Yes it was."
"What type of documents were found inside such a suspicious looking room?"
"Objection! Speculation." Squidward's lawyer shouted, jumping at the first opportunity to call out the DA's misconduct.
"Sustained. The DA will keep to a strict line of questioning."
Officer Debby sighed. "Well, I found numerous types of documents. Bills, mortgage payments...an application and receipt." She said.
"Oh? An application and receipt?" The DA tip-finned around the floor. "Can you please elaborate further on your findings?"
"Well, during my first seven hours of the search on the house I found nothing but old McDonalds hamburger wrappers, empty Hot Pockets Boxes, and oh." Debby gagged. "So much Mountain Dew. I think I'm going to be sick." One of the court marshals swiftly approached Debby with a bucket so she could vomit in it. "I saw so many other things too. He had so many shells worth of My Little Pony figures, and so many scratched off ROBLOX Builder's Club cards."
Debby stopped herself.
"Oh, that's right. The application and receipt. Well, the application was for something very unorthodox. It was an application for death! To put a hit out on somebody, to be submitted to the local mafia. And a receipt for the application fee."
"May the jury know that the handwriting on the application has been analyzed by an expert, and they have determined that the handwriting and signature on the application are both in face by Squidward Tentacles." The DA scrolled past the photos of the My Little Pony figurines, and zoomed in on the application and receipt for the jury to study.
Spongebob studied it too. The receipt was paid in cash. $200. Processed and approved ten years ago. Spongebob had never been flooded with such doubt in his life. His neighbor...friend...could he have really done this? It lined up with what Plankton told him….
The evidence was beginning to pile up, and Squidward was beginning to find himself at the bottom of a deep, deep hole.
Squidward's lawyer stood up, ready for the counter argument.
"Officer Debby, you found the documents inside the bolted shut door of Squidward Tentacles, yes?" His lawyer, Jameson said.
"Yes, that is true."
"Yes, and did you notice anything in particular about the application found in Squidward's room?"
"No, I'm afraid I did not." Debby said into the microphone.
Jameson paced back and forth, as layers do. "I see something that should have been noticed a while ago." The sardine jury leaned in closer, as if Jameson was about to let them in on some sort of secret. "Squidward has the handwriting of a fifth grader."
The crowd gasped.
"Order! Order in the court!" The judge screamed, banging his gavel on the desk.
"What exactly does this mean you ask?" Jameson continued to pace as he got closer to his point, carefully stepping back and forth as the words found their flow from his mouth. "This is an extremely common form of handwriting - something that could easily be faked...or fabricated. It's uncertain whether the handwriting on the application was really from Squidward, since there is no real way to tell who actually scribed the document. There is no possible way my client could be guilty of such an atrocious crime." Jameson finally found his way back to his seat.
It was the DA's turn again.
"I understand there may be certain doubts about who may be the truthful author of that document, which is something I anticipated." The DA smirked, and took the infamous magic conch shell out of his pocket. "After we asked her if she was admissible evidence in front of the judge and she said yes, we have been able to use her in court since. She came in handy at the last court date, and now she's going to answer the question of the hour. Did Squidward write that document and take out a hit on Patrick Star ten years ago?"
The DA pulled the cord.
"Yes."
The brutal court date eventually drew to a close.
"I think the jury has enough to make a decision on the case. You may convene together and meet with a verdict as soon as possible. This court has been adjourned."
The room cleared, and everyone had eventually left the room.
Except for Spongebob. He couldn't move. There was too much going on, too many memories being dug up about his best friend. Patrick was struck down on that one awful day, and what was confusing then was even worse now.
Somebody could have taken a hit out on Patrick...it was now a possibility. There was also a possibility that no hit was taken out on Patrick, and it was all one big lie…
This was beginning to reopen old wounds.
Wounds that Spongebob had long forgotten about.
Daling Daling
Spongebob took his shell phone out of his pocket.
"Hello?" He groaned. There was heavy breathing on the other end.
"It's me. Meet me on Coral Lane. I've got a job for you."
