General Message: Batman has forced all medical staff to take a "vacation", what that actually means we don't know, but he promises that they will come back eventually. He also has "requested" that everyone submits to a mandatory medical check performed by him. We will be releasing everyone's results publicly. While we admit that Batman is well read and knowledgeable about many subjects we hesitate to call him a medical professional.
Batman: Is apparently entirely healthy and allowed to do whatever he wants, unfortunately he has reported everyone else is in some way or another sick, even heroes that until now were thought to be immune to disease. Everyone must follow his "professional" medical care suggestions or be quarantined.
Wonder Woman: Has a new unknown health issue that requires further private testing in Batman's private quarters. She seemed less upset by this "deadly" problem that she could have been. Batman has yet to release any information other than a few more vigorous rounds of care should fix her. We have chosen not to delve any further.
Superman: A dangerous alien throat virus has cropped up and you must drink through a straw and not speak. Batman will serve as your voice, but we aren't sure if he's quite right on some of it/any of it. Normally you don't threaten people as easily as "you/Batman" have been doing recently. However you've continued to keep his mouth shut because Batman claimed if you were really his best friend you'd trust that he has your best interests at heart.
Green Arrow: You picked up a mild case of leprosy out on a mission. It's rather hard to prove if its true or not because Batman wrapped you head to toe in gauze and said to wait it out. Though leprosy does exist there are relatively few cases and it takes years for symptoms to show, Batman has assured us it is a new form of super leprosy and it'd be gone in maybe a week or something. Until then you're to remain a human mummy.
Aquaman: Batman didn't give much of a reason, his only command was that you stay submerged in a tank for a few days. We aren't sure what goopy purple liquid is in there, but you went along with it so we can't say much.
Martian Manhunter: Being green isn't a sign of illness, you've always been green it's part of your species. When Batman told you the entirety of green martians had actually just been part of a widespread epidemic we expected more resistance from you. Why you consented to being painted red with a black bat on your chest we don't know. Rest assured it'll wash out by the end of the week... we think.
Flash: Have fun with Nightwing on your forced vacation in Gotham, we think Nightwing might just have been bored and Batman wanted to accommodate him. Gotham's smog has no known healing abilities, but if you want to play along go for it.
Captain Marvel: Batman didn't really reveal what was wrong with you, but some league member overheard you say he would write you a doctor's note and you could skip school which put him in a good mood. We aren't sure what that means or if it was a metaphor, but as long as you're happy we rather focus on the bigger problems.
Green Lantern: Your ring isn't broken and that's not an actual sickness, don't let Batman play around with it we don't know what he'll do. Plus to protect your identity he has you walking around wearing Captain Marvel's old ghost Halloween costume. Unless you want to play ghost for the foreseeable future deal with that, we aren't getting involved.
Zatanna: We're 90% sure you're in on the joke because admitting yourself to the med bay because you keep sneezing out things like confetti is laughable quite literally depending on the hero. Either admit the joke or stop and pretend to be cured, recently your coughed and an elephant appeared so this is getting out of hand.
Catwoman: You didn't suddenly develop a cat allergy and require Batman's help to make a cure, he's not a vet, go away and stop bringing your cats, they're shedding. But if you do bring them, keep dressing them up in costumes, Batman seems to enjoy it. Wonder Woman is less pleased because one started marking it's territory in her room. Don't dogs usually do that? We had a problem with Krypto for the same reason.
Red Tornado: You didn't go bald, you never hair to start with and the waist length black wig Batman gave you doesn't suit you. Even if some of the heroes have enjoyed braiding it. We'll admit Superman can do an impressive French twist.
Jason Blood: Being fused with Etrigan the demon isn't an illness and it isn't Batman's place to cure it, but it's nice to see you, you haven't been around. Batman is commissioning you to beef up the magical defenses of the Watchtower. By that he didn't mean setting up spells that force people to trip when walking through doorways blaming it on your Etrigan illness doesn't work when you keep doing it.
General Message: There is no need for a league wide quarantine where depending on your illness you get stuck with others who are similarly sick, just go about your days as normal, the medical staff will be back within a week. They appreciated their time off and we've learned to appreciate them even more. Batman claims that he's the only one who really cared about them, but we doubt his intentions were so magnanimous.
A/N
The chapter I wanted write originally just wasn't working at all and for whatever reason this idea popped up. Batman diagnosing everyone with medical problems for his pleasure and it was really fun for me to write. Next chapter is going to be the craziest one yet for reasons you'll see in about a week. I remember the chapter where Batman was sick and everyone panicked so I thought this would be funny.
I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to leave me a review telling me what you think or want to see, I'll credit you in the chapter you're involved it. If you want to see when I put up new chapters favorite or follow me or this story.
