Hollow
I blink. The sun is burning through the curtains of my four-poster bed. I sigh. Today is the day. I think of staying here, pretending the day hadn't come. I groan as I move and remember the pain flowing through my body. I sit on the edge of my bed for a moment unable to focus on a single thought for too long. Her eyes. Her hair. Her voice. Her heart. Her brain. Her smile. Her broken heart. Guilt. My breath rattles as I stood to get up. It was now or never. Step. I walk towards the wardrobe. Step. Trying to think of an outfit. Step. Black suit, it was all that made sense. Step. Placing my clothes on the bed I went to the bathroom we had shared. Her toothbrush still sat in the pot on her sink. I freeze. I should've known things like this would pop up. I look away. The shower's warmth covers me as I trace my frozen scars. I tried to remember. Anything from that night would be nice, anything to hold on to. Mother had tried to tell me but it felt like she was trying to comfort me more than anything. My hair sits slick across my forehead sending cold drips down my front and back, like tear drops falling in a tragedy. I remember to breathe again. Somehow that feels harder these days, its almost as if I actually have to think about it. I wave my wand and feel a wave of heat as in a second I'm dry and dressed. Remember to breathe. I think to myself as I walk back to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back. His pale skin shows the trauma of his past while his picture-perfect hair shows he's doing ok. His suit says he is celebrating the life of a loved on lost too soon rather than mourning his world. He is a stranger. A picture of what the world wanted to see. The real me was a shell, taking each minute second by second, half of a whole. I take another deep breath. I make my way down the stairs to the common room. Blaise, Harry and Ginny are all there waiting. I'm grateful, I am, it's just they remind me of her. They all loved her. They're all lost without her. They hold so many memories of her. That made looking at them too hard.
"You ready mate?" Blaise said clapping a hand on my shoulder. I could tell from his hollow voice it was all a brave face. No , I wanted to say no. Another breath. Another blink. Blaise was always good at being composed, normally I was too. Normally.
"Yes" My voice replied, sounding empty. There was a beat.
"We can take a moment if anyone needs." Harry said staring right at me as he wrapped an arm around Ginny's shoulders. She sniffed, she was broken too. We all were.
"No, Hermione would kill us for being late." Ginny sniffed loudly trying not to cry as she smiled. There was a chuckle. Then silence. None of us felt like laughing was fair. As if a silent agreement was made between us we made our way. Walking in a pack of sorts. Down the stairs. Harry kept glancing back, his puffy eyes checking on me. He'd seen more death than most, more pain, and each on hurt just as much as the last. Through the entrance hall. It was silent for once. Not a soul in sight. Like the eye of the storm. Into the grounds. The group was over by the lake. A huge gathering of sombre people. Deep Breath. Harry and Ginny gave a nod before splitting away and joining the Weasley's. I stayed back, surveying the crowd. Mum, Scorp and Violet (Blaise's mum) were 2 rows from the front. Teacher's and students were crying, swapping stories and sharing grief. Blaise's hand found its way to my shoulder.
"She'll be grateful you're here." Deep Breath I nodded without looking at him. There was a slight commotion in the gaggle of Weasley's. I narrowed my eyes. They all looked towards me. Deep breath. "oh god here we go." Blaise's voice barely registered. Weaslebee was heading for me having slipped away.
"What the bloody hell are you doing here." The words didn't register until his fist collided with my jaw, knocking me to the floor. I lay face down in the grass. It was freshly mown. One of her favourite smells. I could picture all the times I'd seen her sitting by this lake, on this grass, reading. I was flipped over. A few more punches. I didn't feel a thing. He was pulled off me. I was helped up by Blaise's strong grip, blood staining my shirt. Weaslebee's burning red eyes met mine.
"You killed her! You ruined her. My best friend. I loved her." His speech was broken as the crowd listened.
"You were never there when it counted." My voice announced harshly across the crowd as he struggled against his restraints.
"You caused her nothing but pain. It should've been you. If it was you no one would care." He snapped back. His words didn't affect me. He was right.
"You think I don't know that? You think I don't wish it were me?" I replied. A silence hung in the air of the memorial. For a moment, the whole crowd knew that nothing could be said. Spitting out a lump of blood I was pulled over to my mother. She waved her wand and all the blood was gone. As though it never happened. There were murmurs amongst the crowd but I just sat staring as my mother looked me over. Scorpius' gorgeous little eyes blinked over at me and he smiled.
"Da da" He clapped his hands towards me. My heart hurt looking at him. There was so much of her in him. Scruffing his hair I tried a smile, but it never quite came.
The service started with my mother giving me sideways glances to check if I was ok. I sat and I stared. I picked the lowest branch on the tree and stared at it. I couldn't look at the lake without thinking of her. I couldn't look at the base of the tree without see her there. I couldn't look at the picture of her at the front of the crowd without potentially breaking down. I couldn't look at the crowd without seeing what I took from them. I couldn't even look at me mother without seeing the pity in her eyes. How could you help someone when words were never going to be enough. So many people spoke. But their words couldn't sink in. I knew how great she was. I knew how loved she was. I knew how lost they were without her. I knew it. She couldn't be gone.
The memorial wasn't over but I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't do this anymore. I had to go somewhere I could grieve her without all these eyes. I yanked away from my mothers arm and ran away from it all. Ignoring the gasps and murmurs. Letting all the noise fade away. I ran. I let my heart lead the way. I apparated the moment I could. I knew where I was going but I had no Idea why it felt so right.
The birds chirped. The sun shone. The trees whispered in the wind. The street was quiet. It was picturesque. It was where she grew up and a place she never quite left behind. Sitting on a bench next to a sweet smelling bush I stared up at her childhood home. Listening to the peacefulness of this beautiful place I felt her with. I felt her.
And for the first time I let the tears roll down my cheeks as I thought of the girl I loved and the life she lived.
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