After opening up to Ino about what's been going the past few days, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I didn't realize it before now, but I really need that talk. And as always, Ino, the rainbow to my rain cloud, was here to save the day again. I love that girl.

The people closest too me are more than supportive of me going back in the field, and I'm grateful for that. But..there's one thing I have to know for myself..

"Is my passion still there?"

As I ask myself that question, an image in my mine surfaced.

My very first successful heal.

While Naruto was spending more time with Jiraiya, I wanted to be just as useful to the team once he returns. So, Lady Tsunade took me in as her apprentice teaching me everything she knows. I didn't want to be left behind and be labeled the 'useless one' by others so I tried my hardest and put my all into everything that I did. Sure, I didn't have a special ability in my clan, but Haruno Sakura was not going to be in the shadows. On no, you're going to hear about me!

The training was compiled with many long days and rigorous close combat and evasion practice. God, remembering all of those bruises sent chills down my spine.

An experience that I would rather not feel again hehe.

The evasion training was the easy part. But learning how to heal was on a totally different scale of difficult. It took me a little while to get my first half way healing! But that's only because I was getting into my own head and Lady Tsundae sensed it. I remeber when Tsunade-sama called me out on my bullshit.

'Oi, Sakura! Stop all that self-doubting crap! You're going to keep yourself from becoming a great Medical nin if yuh keep doing that, and trust me, you could be a great one. Trust yourself. Relax.'

Such truer have never been spoken. I kept failing because of how insecure I was about being left behind by the boys. But, once I got over that, I improved rapidly. With improvement came a fondness over medical practice. So much so, I began to take it upon myself to learn more outside of training.

I could feel a smile creep onto my face as I reminisce about those days.

I would go to the library and rent out different kinds of medical books. Things like the anatomy of the body ,all the way down to the chakra points and poison and or sickness medical research. As I exposed my mind to these things, my training got less difficult for me. Healing a fish became a no brainier! I was becoming stronger! Wiser! Better!

As I passed the obstacles with ease, I began to do more difficult sessions. Some that required more time and chakra control than before. Luckily, I had great chakra control before training with Tsunade-sama so her Chakra storing lessons plus my natural ability made putting much more effort a no brainier. But I'm not going to lie, it would tire the hell out of me.

I remeber this one particular healing required much more of my energy than ever before. It was the first time I passed out after completely healing a fish successfully.

I could feel my legs shake but I held on just enough to finish healing the fish. Sooner or later, my body couldn't take it anymore and completely gave out on me. All my muscles became limp and I had no other choice but rest up.

In those few seconds I was still conscious, I felt Lady Tsunade catch me and Shizune come to my aid. I couldn't see their faces but I heard Lady Tsunade say

"Well done, my apprentice. Well done.'

Hours later, I awoke on a couch in the office and was greeted by both of them. Shizune gave me a glass of water and nursed me back to health.

As I drank, Shizune made it known how much I impressed her. Saying something along the lines of 'so advance' and ' untapted potential', I really don't know I was completely zoned out. But, I do remeber Tsunade-sama saying I might surpass her one day.

And that's exactly what I did.

From achieving the strength of hundred seal at age seventeen and becoming a sanin, to being considered a legend and a pivotal figure in he war and medical world. I've done it.

That day, after I completely recovered, I went outside for some fresh air and ran into Naruto possibly on his way to another mission.

This moment really solidified me staying in under apprenticeship.

I remeber so clearly, his eyes as blue as the ocean. So full of life. And that smile.. It could light up a room if you let it. Excited, I told him about the fish I healed and how I'm catching up to him and Sasuke.

He said, "Ooh Sakura-chan that's amazing! Just you wait, you're going to so strong, stronger than baa-chan! I'm proud of ya!"

I'm proud of you

Naruto...

Thinking of him... It took me back to the first time he perished. Right in front of me.

Seeing people die at young age, especially if it was by my hands, was traumatic for me but seeing the man who've I've grown with and fall completely head over heels a little bit prior towards the war..scared me.

I think that's why I took his death so hard..

The first time, I was able to save him. I did everything I could and it payed off! But.. that day..

I couldn't save him. No matter what I did... All of that knowledge.. The accomplishments.. all for nothing.

His death obviously affected me more than anyone else's. That..fear and anxiety I developed crossed over into my professional life. I was losing myself to my inner thoughts. Zoning out during board meetings, and.. almost causing a patient to die.

God I could feel my hands shake as I recall the incident.

I remeber it was a heart surgery, the guy had multiple small holes in his heart so we were going to open him up and fill it in. The procedure would've worked like regenerating a body part. It's was my first major surgery after taking a little break after the funeral. I knew I wasn't feeling right that morning but I needed to take my mind off of Naruto. I couldn't stand thinking about that day, the events playing over and over in my head..it drove me crazy! I need this... I thought I needed this.

We laid the patient down on the table, he was already out with the anesthesia, and proceeded to work on him. I slit open up his chest and cracked it got a look at his heart. I remeber clearly how cloudy minded I was. I stuttered so much trying to instruct the other surgeons in what to do and what tool to give me. I could tell they could tell their was something wrong with me... And deep down, I knew it but I didn't want to admit it. But then...

"Sakura-sempai, what are you doing?!"

I was...deeply horrified with what I had done..

"Shit!" Another surgeon said and pushed me to the side. "You stabbed him!"

"I..No. I-It waas an accident! I didn't mean to.."

He turns to me, rage mixed with disappointment filled within his eyes, "You should just go home, Senpai. Obviously, you're not ready to come back."

Luckily, they stabilized him.

That.. incident changed me. After that day, I hated anything to do with medicine. I hated that damn hospital. I hated him. I hated... myself.

Those two failures affected my psyche so bad, I developed PTSD, anxiety, and ,of course, depression. Out of all three, I think having to deal with my anxiety was the worst. I couldn't even look at a medical text book or a picture of Naruto and I..or the kids without having an episode. That's actually one of the reasons why I pushed my kids so far away from me. I didn't want to be reminded and I thought it's be better for the both of us. Clearly, that wasn't the case.

The other reason was fear. Fear that I couldn't save them just like I couldn't save Naruto. I know, it doesn't make any sense but that was it was. That was my thinking. Crazy now that I think back on it.

Recalling everything that happened from the time I was a genin all the way till now, has , in a way, been therapeutic for me. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows... everything that's happened, happened for a reason. That's how I look at it now.

Do I still have a passion for medicine?

Well.. right now at this moment.

I don't know.