Chapter 6: Internal Mazes
The woman had no memories of her past, her mind was blank, but she did have a recurring dream. A dream of her…and a man.
The dream always started out the same way, she was alone, in a desolate and icy region, and she was not at all wearing appropriate clothing for it, merely a long black lacey dress. She felt the biting cold that numbed her extremities, she felt the loneliness and fear that she would never see anyone she loved ever again.
Then he would appear in the distance, dressed in a Navy uniform and the landscape suddenly changes into a beautiful garden. In an instant the biting cold turns to splendid warmth and she can feel the softness of the leaves under her bare feet, see a lake of mirror still waters, in which beautiful fluffy clouds were clearly reflected.
She can see it all, but cannot reach it, implicitly trusting the stranger, she follows him to a maze in the center of the garden. He stops at the entrance, his bright blue eyes are like pure fire aimed at her and she feels loved and protected in their gaze. He extends his hand in silent invitation, but her feet cannot move and… the maze opening suddenly closes. Branches intertwining to trap him inside, while she is left outside and alone once more. As her view of him recedes the last thing she sees is his lips moving, she tries desperately to make out his words, but they are barely inaudible to her.
And she wails out loud for the stranger she is losing, having only just found.
Rebecca always wakes feeling alone and always with the same words screaming in her own mind.
Find me.
LSLSLS
She had that strange dream again. Unlike what was commonplace for dreams, she could always remember the details of the dream, all of them except for one; she can never remember the man's face. But she always very clearly remembers the sense of security and love when he is near.
She knows she will not get back to sleep again, so she decides to get up, she can see through the window the first rays of sun on the horizon, which stream through gaps in clouds. She gets dressed, makes her way downstairs quietly, and goes to the stables. Riding always calms her tumultuous thoughts. On her way, she admires all the new dew droplets watering the grass, she happily breathes in the fresh scent.
As time had passed and her injuries had healed she had come to a level of acceptance with the condition that had not healed, her memory, and she had found herself able, and indeed it necessary, to still find some moments of joy in her seemingly eternally uncertain existence. But it was not always so. Her first days at Jake and Elena's house had passed in a haze of pain and utter despair; her woeful physical condition and her many assumed but unknown terrible experiences and losses enough to have her finding little joy in her painful and forever unfamiliar existence…
LSLSLS
Flashback
"How is she?" Asked Jake worriedly, looking at the woman in the bed. Elena had cleaned her wounds and changed her bloody clothes.
"She seems better, but that head injuries still worries me."
"She wasn't…?" He broke off before completing the sentence, not wanting to put voice to the question, but worried about its possibility nonetheless.
Elena immediately understood what her husband was asking.
''No, thank God! However, whoever did this to her caused her great pain, she has at least three separate injuries to her head. Thankfully none to grievous by themselves, but the combination does worry me. And then there are countless more minor abrasions and bruises all over her body." The woman had been with them for four days and in that time she had lost and regained consciousness numerous times. Though it couldn't really be said that during any of her conscious moments that she had ever really 'come out of it', on the contrary she had well and truly 'stayed in it'.
The both turned as suddenly, and yet again, the woman on the bed began to scream. "No! No!... don't cut me ... don't kill me ...find me! please! Find me…"
Elena tried to calm her down, but the wild eyes and posture indicated that she was still stuck in her nightmare and wasn't hearing a word she was saying.
Jake knew she needed something or someone she could trust, who gave her a sense of security, he remembered the dog had calmed her before and went to get him.
Jake still couldn't believe that the woman he had found had come to be in this house, actually partially under her own steam, though he had been supporting most of her weight by the end of their short journey, she had still walked! But almost immediately upon their arrival and being introduced to his kind faced wife, the mystery woman had taken a turn for the worse.
His wife had explained that this was possible, even that is was good. His wife always could find the positive in any situation. She explained that the woman had likely been running on adrenaline when he found her. It had allowed her to push on past her grave injuries by means of a base survival mechanism that all people have, and that comes out under such terrible both physical and emotional stress. But upon coming to their home and feeling safe for the first time in who know how long, she had ceased to fight and had thus fallen to the true, previously hidden, nature of her injuries.
"Hey." He spoke in a soft voice. "Say hello to our guest, Duke."
The dog came over and licked her fingers, slowly her eyes opened, and her vision came into focus. A dogs loveable face appeared and she started to pat the animal softly, showing herself to be as awake an aware as they had seen her in the last four days.
Elena smiled at her husband, eminently pleased at their victory.
"Honey, can you tell me your name?" Elena questioned, not for the first time.
"I …don't know, I don't …I can't remember." She said starting to panic…again.
"Okay, it's fine, don't worry, dear. My name is Elena, this is my husband Jake, and this is Duke.." She introduced, again, not for the first time.
"Can you tell me a name, any name, we might call you, dear?"
The woman just stared and searched for several long moments, but eventually she spoke.
"Rebecca..." She replied hesitantly, not at all sure why that name had been the first to pop into her mind when she had set about searching, pleading, for any name to come to her.
"Ok, we will call you Rebecca for now. And who knows? Maybe it really is your name. It was the first to come to you, think about it, there could well be a reason for that. Maybe your memories are not gone at all, just laying a little while beneath the surface waiting for the right time to rise up again." She spoke kindly.
LSLSLS
Rebecca hadn't been at all convinced then and honestly she felt even less optimistic now. Her memories did not feel close, buried beneath a surface she could not breach, they felt nonexistent. But Rebecca had given the seemingly very gentle and caring woman and small nod and smile.
Gradually she had gotten better, her physical wounds at least had slowly healed. Eventually, barely and trace of them was left to be found upon her body, but her mind remained empty of past memories and a prisoner of her nightmares. Nightmares that served as the only clue that she might have had a life before she had awoken in a pool of her own blood.
Jake and Elena had become her good friends through it all. Jake and his expressive grey eyes, his understanding and patience with her. He always seemed to know exactly what she needed. When she woke him in the middle of the night with her nightmares, he would just take her out to the balcony to stargaze. To feel the breeze and listen to the melodic sounds of nocturnal nature. He ensured that she was safe, felt like her real but forgotten enemies would not return... that she was safe with them…he assured her of it, and gradually she came to believe it.
When she was strong enough, Elena had taken her horseback riding. And now, when she had to deal with the frustrations of a life without a past, she would go riding still.
Rebecca was brought back to the present at the sounds of approaching hooves, she smiled; Elena had come looking for her.
LSLSLS
Elena approached Rebecca. She had been with them for just over two months now, her wounds were almost completely healed, but still her memory has not showed the slightest sign of returning to guide her.
Elena knew that Rebecca liked this specific place on the property, a tree next to the river. Elena dismounted and went to sit down beside her. "I thought I would find you here. You're worried again, I can tell, that will not help your recovery, Rebecca."
Elena lived up to what Rebecca had learned was the meaning of her name, the kindness inherent in her shone like a beacon in the darkness. She was a very pretty woman, in her mid fifties with short brown wavy hair and beautifully expressive deep blue eyes.
"I've been here for more than two months and my memory has still not returned, not even close! I still don't have the slightest clue who I am! I don't even know if I was a good or bad person, what if I did something bad to deserve this? What if I never recover my memory?" Rebecca bemoaned in a moment of weakness and self-pity.
"You will remember, Rebecca, you have to believe that, and you arenot a bad person, of that I have no doubt. We like you, a lot, Jake and I…and Duke." The dog barked and Elena smiled. "Duke agrees. And all of us, we are all excellent judges of character." Elena smiled serenely at her convenient self compliment.
Elena's husband, Jake, was in his late fifties, a bit taller than his wife, had just as expressive grey eyes and a small scar above his left one. Apparently, according to Elena, he could be as short tempered as a bear in company that was not to his liking. But Rebecca couldn't testify to that, for with her and his wife, he was always been kindness and patience personified.
The nearest evidence that Rebecca had as to Elena's assurances of the existence of the other side of her husbands temperament had been after an unpleasant thumb and hammer incident. And indeed that hammer had caught a fair amount of rage, but none had been directed at the two of them, and it had dissipated fast enough.
"I do love Duke, you have been amazing to me and your husband has been so sweet as well." Rebecca stated with confidence and gratitude.
"Sweet… are you sure that you are talking about my husband? He can be exceptionally stubborn and it is impossible to make him change his mind once he has made it."
Rebecca smiled. "But you love him." It wasn't a question.
"Yes, I love Jake, after all the work I had to conquer him, he will not get rid of me that easy. I practically had to order him into marriage."
Having a front row seat to witness Elena and Jake's adoring and highly enviable relationship over the last several months, it had been impossible for Rebecca to not be left wondering…hoping… that someone was out there waiting for her. Someone that would come for her and make her feel a wholeness she could never remember having ever felt. But one that she believes she had witnessed at times when looking upon Jake and Elena's confident love.
Or on her darker days, wondering if that person was already dead…or had never existed in the first place? She wasn't even sure which was worse… It those thoughts and fears that held her concentration far more frequently that she thought they ought. She honestly couldn't begin to rationalize why she held those specific fears, out of the wonderments she could have about her mystery life before the day she woke in so much pain and fear. And yet her nonexistent love life did indeed hold her attention, and frequently, at the very same time, she would be inexplicably reminded of the faceless man of her dream…
Elena saw the sadness in Rebecca's eyes.
"Are you okay, Honey?"
She didn't speak immediately. Needed to pull herself out of her self-pitying remembrances and into the present.
"I had that dream again, but I still can't see his face, remember it when I wake, maybe he's dead…"
"Or maybe he's alive and looking for you. Do not give up! I believe that you have the faith and the hope to continue trying."
Rebecca smiled the warmest smile she could manage in her current tumultuous mindset, she really didn't know if she believed her friend, and even if she did, she wasn't sure how much longer she could go on hoping for what did not come.
"Thank you for taking care of me, Elena. I am so very grateful to you." And that at least was the absolute truth.
"It has been our pleasure, my dear. Now, the day is getting on, let's get us back home or else Jake will come looking for us."
Rebecca smiled and nodded to her friend, a tiny tear escaping the corner of her lashes as her face crinkles slightly. But at least, Rebecca rationalized to herself, she could say that the tear held some small bit of joy within it for the wonderful friends she had found, rather than only the sadness of the perpetual unknown.
TBC
