I
Sayaka sat, waiting for Junko at the park entrance where she usually met with Madoka and Hitomi before school. After Madoka's disappearance, Sayaka realized this spot was the first place that seemed strange without her. It didn't feel right without her goofy pink-haired friend running up out of breath, having barely left her house on time.
Junko's car soon pulled up. Sayaka lifted her head and rubbed her tears away on the back of her sleeves, knowing she probably looked like a mess. Likewise, Junko was a contrast of her usual unshakable self; there were shadows under her eyes which were never there before and her expression seemed worn. However, as she got out of the car and walked towards her, Sayaka could see that was not the whole story.
There may have been tiredness in Junko's eyes, but there was also fierceness - walking with the stride of someone who was ready for battle. Despite the intensity, she gently put her arms around Sayaka and held her. Sayaka's arms were limp at her sides at first until she lifted them and returned the hug.
"You doing okay?" Junko asked, her voice soft and reassuring.
Sayaka shrugged and nodded her head. "Yeah, I'm fine." She couldn't quite bring herself to look up at Junko.
Junko let her go, then watched her for a moment until she smiled and said, "Come on, get in. I'll treat you to dinner."
Sayaka got in the car and right away she asked what she had wanted to know about since answering Junko's call outside Kyousuke's house. "You said you spoke with Madoka? Is she okay?" She also wanted to know how Junko (correctly) came to the conclusion the kidnapper was a classmate.
"Yes, it doesn't seem she is hurt at least. The kidnapper let her call me and I also spoke with the kidnapper myself. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a strong feeling she's a student at your school." Junko looked at Sayaka. "She said her name is Clara, but I know that was an alias. That's why I wanted to know if you might be able to come up with a suspect of who she could be?"
Sayaka wasn't sure how to respond, though she tried to act surprised. Of course, she knew exactly who the kidnapper was, but at Mami's recommendation she had kept quiet about it, along with everything about magical girls.
She was feeling rather disillusioned with Mami lately, though. Mami had sworn they would have Madoka back by now, but when they had their chance to capture Homura, Mami let it slip away. Maybe that wasn't entirely fair, but the fact she was taking care of Kyoko (who was to blame for Homura's escape) showed where Mami's priorities were at.
"Sayaka?" Junko asked, because she had started spacing out.
Sayaka realized her fists clenched tight as she thought about the whole thing. She loosened her grip, not sure if Junko had noticed or not.
"Is there anyone who stands out, even a little bit?" Junko asked. "Maybe someone who said something to Madoka, or about Madoka that seemed odd? Also, Clara had a rather monotone voice. She also said some strange things, implying a supernatural purpose to why she had kidnapped Madoka. She claimed she is doing this in order to protect Madoka from something. Does any of this ring any bells?"
"I don't know," Sayaka said, feeling horrible for lying, too guilty to look at Junko. "I'm sorry, I have no idea." She also felt a burning in her chest at the idea Homura believed she was the good guy in all this.
Junko watched her through the corner of her eye as she drove. Sayaka didn't look too good, and Junko didn't want to hammer her with questions when she looked like this, but she was remembering her initial gut instinct when all of this started. She had suspected that Sayaka wasn't being truthful about not knowing anything.
Mainly, when Madoka disappeared Sayaka had practically become a ghost herself, and Junko found that odd since she would have expected Sayaka to call five times a day for updates. After meeting Mami, Junko had written off her suspicions as Sayaka having found consolence in her new relationship. She wasn't so sure now, once again with the impression there was something Sayaka wasn't saying. She couldn't imagine why, though.
"So how has Mami been?" Junko asked.
Sayaka's reaction alone drew a picture. She clicked her teeth and turned her gaze out the window.
Junko gave an empathetic frown, understanding. "Guess you two are on the outs?"
"On the outs, huh…" Sayaka sighed, "I guess you could say that."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Sayaka thought for a moment, knowing that explaining the situation with Mami and Kyoko was a landmine of follow-up questions she would not be able to answer. "No, it doesn't matter."
"Come on, I might be able to help," Junko pressed on. "You two seemed close when I came over the other day, what changed since then?"
"I don't know..." Sayaka answered.
Junko did not press again, just letting silence hang in the air, suspecting that if given a moment to gather her thoughts Sayaka would talk. Of course, Junko knew her too well.
Eventually, Sayaka sighed and tried to explain. "I guess... I feel like my first impressions of her were wrong."
"Did she disappoint you somehow?" Junko asked.
Spot on, as always, Sayaka thought. She wished her own parents were as easy to talk to as Madoka's mom.
"I don't know… It's like, I thought she was someone who had it all together. I thought I could rely on her, but I'm really questioning her judgement now. Um… so, she has this friend, Kyoko, and I'm telling you this chick is totally bad news. I don't know why Mami even gives her the time of day, but Mami is going way out of her way to help her and even letting her live with her."
"Why exactly does Kyoko need her help?"
"Well, she got into an accident and she's injured."
"Does she have anyone else who can help her?"
"I'm guessing not, but that's besides the point. She does nothing but start fights with us, she's still being rude to Mami and completely ungrateful for what she's doing for her and straight up said once she's healthy again she's going to…" Sayaka tripped over her words, trying to figure out how to be vague with her explanation.
"She's going to what?" Junko asked, but Sayaka didn't answer. "Is that what you were crying about when I called you?" She asked carefully.
Sayaka shook her head, then hid her face in her hands as she leaned forward, staring between her legs. Her short blue hair fell over her eyes, further hiding her face.
"I-I'm such an idiot. I just screw everything up!" The tone of her voice revealed how munch pain she was in.
"Sayaka? Hang on." Junko instantly pulled the car over onto the shoulder and put her hazard lights on as Sayaka started to cry. Whatever Sayaka was holding in was now coming out of her. Was it the situation with Madoka? Kyoko putting a strain on her relationship with Mami? Junko did not know, but she could hear in Sayaka's tone how much she needed some support.
Once they were parked Junko reached over and put an arm around Sayaka's shoulder. "Hey Sayaka, it's alright," she said, her maternal instincts making her forget her own stress and anxiety, just wanting to comfort the girl who was like a daughter to her.
"I-I should have protected Madoka!" Sayaka cried. "She's my best friend and all I have been doing is wasting time!"
"It's okay, I know how you feel but this isn't your fault," Junko said, rubbing her back. "Trust me, I know how much you care for Madoka and you would do anything for her. I know it's hard, but have faith that everything will…" Her words slowed as she realized her supportive words seemed to have the opposite effect and only drove Sayaka even deeper into her regret. The girl's fingers were tightening around her temples and her body shook, trying to hold some of it back but nothing could hide the contrition in her heart.
Junko's expression fell, realizing why.
"Sayaka," she whispered. "Sayaka look at me.'' She moved one of Sayaka's hands down. In response, Sayaka looked over at her through the corner of one eye, her short blue hair falling over her face veiled her, but the guilt was clear. It wasn't just the anguish of knowing her friend was in trouble, there was something else. "Sayaka, do you know something about what's happening? Do you know who Clara is?" Junko asked her directly.
Sayaka began to shake her head. It was a weak denial. Junko could see how a dozen thoughts were bouncing through the poor girl's head at once. She felt bad, like she was torturing her by pressing for answers. Part of her just wanted to hug her and tell her it's okay, but she knew she had to have a breakthrough here.
"Sayaka, obviously there is a lot more going on than I realize, but you need to do your best to explain it to me. I'm not mad at you. I've known you since you were little, I know you're a good kid and you have a kind heart, so just please talk to me!"
Sayaka's head shook slowly. "No… I'm not. I'm not a good person."
Junko stared at her, shocked to hear those words, despair filling her own heart to see Sayaka like this. "Sayaka…"
"I'm not!" Sayaka cried then suddenly opened the door and unbuckled her seatbelt.
Acting on instinct, as soon as Junko saw Sayaka was going to try to run she got out of the car herself, quickly ran around and grabbed Sayaka by the wrist as the girl started to try to run off. She only made it a few paces towards the woods alongside the highway before Junko stopped her. Once Junko grabbed onto her wrist, Sayaka did not try very hard to break away. She stood there, not facing Junko, her head hanging low.
The sun was beginning to disappear under the horizon, ominously hueing the sky with an orange blaze. Traffic zipped by on the roadway behind them, the headlights creating quick flashes that broke the shadows over Sayaka's face like lightning on a dark night.
"Sayaka! What's happening! What aren't you telling me? If it's too complicated, find the simplest place to start!" Junko yelled, pleading with her, holding tight to her wrist. "What do you mean you're not a good person? What are you talking about?"
Sayaka was quiet for a long time, her posture halfway into a walk, her one arm behind her being held by Junko, but she did not put up any resistance.
"Sayaka, please. Help me out here."
Sayaka didn't know what to say. She wanted to confide in Junko but couldn't. The thing eating at her more than anything is when she saw that boy being controlled by a familiar the other day, and how she thought about not getting involved and just letting him die.
She tried to cover it up with anger at Kyoko and Mami, but she was just hiding from the truth of who she herself was; the truth that she wasn't above Kyoko's way of thinking. She was not a hero like Mami who would go out of her way to help someone.
Then there was Homura; Sayaka had a chance to save Madoka but she let Homura get away. Even before that, she could have used her wish to save Madoka. Instead she used it on Kyousuke, knowing it was for a selfish reason like wanting him to be grateful to her. Then Hitomi stole him.
Not only did she not have Madoka, she couldn't face Mami, nor could she face Hitomi or Kyousuke anymore. She was alone, she lost all her friends, and she didn't know what to do anymore.
"Sayaka… please, say something." Junko said. She did not feel that Sayaka would run at this point but still held on.
"I'm sorry… I could have saved Madoka. I was an idiot, I thought I could do it on my own and I missed my chance."
"I did the same thing," Junko said. "I'm kicking myself for not bringing that letter directly to the police. Not only did I miss that chance, now they think I did something to my own daughter. Come on, get back in the car. You can explain everything to me. We can work through this together." Sayaka remained quiet so Junko asked, "How could you have saved Madoka?"
"I…" her back heaved, suppressing a sob. "I wasted my wish on Kyousuke… I-I'm stupid. I'm so stupid…"
"Your wish?" Junko asked. She remembered what Clara had said. Something about a contract. The way she implied something supernatural. "What are you talking about?"
"Mrs. Kaname… I'm sorry, I'm not who you think I am. I'm not a good person. I was going to let someone die…"
Junko let go of her hand, she planned to reach forward and hug Sayaka from behind, but as soon as she let go Sayaka started running.
"Sayaka wait!" Junko yelled as she started chasing her. She ran right into the woods, faster than Junko imagined she could be. She knew she was athletic, but she was so much faster than Junko could have imagined. "Come back!" Junko tried again in vain. She pushed through the weeds and growth of the woods. Sayaka herself ran with no regard for the branches and twigs slapping her in the face.
The dim light of dusk was already becoming so much darker under the trees. Before she knew it, Sayaka was a silhouette disappearing into the chaotic mess of other shadows in the dark woods.
"Sayaka please! Come back! Just talk to me!" Junko called after her though she could not see her anymore. She ran out of breath and leaned against a tree, knowing she could not catch her.
Somewhere far in the distance she saw a flash of blue light. She blinked, not sure what that could have been. She tried to call after Sayaka once more, but expended all the air her lungs could produce, so fell to her knees, leaning against the tree.
She felt tears forming in her eyes. She always did her best to be an adult who her daughter and her friends could feel safe around, and confide in. When she was young herself, her own parents were not like that and would always berate her, never expecting anything less than perfection from their daughter and only gave the slimmest sense of approval when she did live up to their expectations. They never supported her… she tried so hard to not be like that.
Junko started to cry, wondering where she went wrong. Wondering why Sayaka would not trust in her. She always tried her best to be a good parent alongside her demanding job, but now that her kids needed her most she was useless.
'Why don't you just go have another drink?' a small voice whispered in her ear.
Drinking always did take the edge off for her. Whenever things felt too overwhelming with balancing work and family life, and she felt her composure slipping, diving into a bottle seemed to straighten things out again.
'They are better off without you anyway,' the voice whispered again.
No, that couldn't be true… but, she did feel useless right now.
'You always cared about your job more. Stop pretending!'
"No…" Junko whispered, "That's not true… I worked hard for my family. They are everything to me..."
'The family you always come home drunk to? Heheheh, give me a break!'
Junko looked over her shoulder. She saw a circular light weaving through the trees. Was it a flashlight? Did a policeman see her car on the side of the road and come looking for its owner?
'You're such a faker. You don't do anything right. You're just hiding how weak you are! You're a phony! A phony!'
"Th-thats…" More lights appeared, then started to change to darkly hued colors, like purple, dark gray and violet. Her head felt fuzzy. The lights and the twisted silhouettes of the forest began to swirl together.
'Face it. You're useless,' the voice tiddered. 'You should just die.'
"I…" Junko stared at the lights, and thought she could make out oddly shaped people walking behind them. Their mouths opened revealing sharp teeth as they stumbled about, getting closer to her.
"I… I should just die…"
II
Nagisa wanted to just stay at the hospital all night and watch over her mom while she slept. She would have done just that if no one made her leave, but her aunt eventually came to bring her back home. It was dark when she came, appearing as a slender silhouette in the doorway.
Nagisa sat by her mother's bedside, dutifully watching over her. She briefly talked to her after the doctors were done checking on her, but her mother's words had been soft and weak. It was like Nagisa's wish never actually happened and her mother being healthy again had simply been a dream that was now over.
"Come on Nagisa, it's time to go," her Aunt said.
Nagisa didn't respond.
Her aunt walked in and put a chilly hand on her shoulder. "I know you feel like you have to stay here, but do you think that's what your mother wants? You need to get home and get into bed. You have school tomorrow, and I bet you haven't even done your homework. Have you?"
Nagisa's eyes narrowed, not responding. She did not want to go. She wanted to wait here until her mom woke up and showed she was healthy again. She could not believe her wish didn't work - there had to be a mistake!
Her Aunt sighed. "Come on Nagisa, you can come visit again after school tomorrow. She'll be awake and the doctors will know more. There is no point sitting here." She reached down and lifted Nagisa from under her arms (which she hated) and forcefully took her off the chair and set her on her feet. "Come on." She led her by the shoulder and Nagisa was forced to walk.
Nagisa went along grudgingly, only complying because she did not want to wake her mother by shouting and refusing to move.
When they made it to the elevator, Nagisa spoke in a low distant voice and asked, "Did you and mama play a lot when you were little?"
"I'm sorry?" her Aunt asked, looking down at her, surprised by the sudden question.
"You're sisters, right? So did you play a lot?"
Her Aunt was quiet for a moment, then said, "No. It's true we are sisters but I was much older than her so we did not exactly grow up together. By the time your mother was your age I was already in college."
"I see…" Nagisa said. There was another question she wanted to ask, but she knew it was a bad question. It was harsh and she knew she should never say it but for some reason she now felt it was important. So, she asked anyway: "Do you hate her?"
Her aunt looked down at her with the kind of face Nagisa did not know adults could make. The face was like she was caught with her hand in a cookie jar. The face remained for only a moment, though, and her aunt's usual sharp expression quickly returned. "No, of course not, how could you say that?"
Nagisa looked up at her, and her aunt had to force her expression to stay straight. The way Nagisa looked at her, those small innocent eyes darkened by pain, it seemed they could look right into someone's heart and know all their worst secrets. "I never had a sister," Nagisa said, "But if I did and she got sick like mama is, I know I would be sad. But you're not sad. You pretend you are but I can see you're just faking-"
Her aunt's hand lashed out and Nagisa was silenced as her head was turned to the side. Her face erupted with pain. The sound alone left a ringing in her eardrum. She stared at the ground and stiffened her lips to keep herself from crying.
After a long silence her aunt said, "Of course I'm sad, and that's the end of this conversation. You should never say something like that again."
Maybe she was hurt by Nagisa's words, but Nagisa doubted that was the case. When children get caught with their hands in cookie jars all they can do is cry and try to plead their innocence. When adults get caught, they get mad.
They did not talk all the way home. When Nagisa was finally in her room she looked at the clock; it was almost midnight and Mami was probably already asleep. Nagisa went to her window and looked across the street to Mami's apartment complex. Using her eyes, she counted the windows from the bottom left of the complex. She counted four up and three across to the one she knew was Mami's and saw it was pitch black.
She really needed to talk to her, though, so she closed her eyes and focused her thoughts, telepathically calling out: "Mami? Mami? Are you awake?" She paused, then continued trying. "I really, really need to talk to you! Please answer if you can hear me…" She tried again and again for five minutes until finally, she got a response.
However, the response was not from who she was expecting.
"Would yah' quit that? She can't hear you, so cut it out! She's sleeping."
Nagisa took a step back and her eyes widened. This voice in her head was not Mami's but only Mami had ever answered her call before. This voice was rude and angry too and it took Nagisa by surprise, but she knew who it was right away.
"Mean girl? Is that you?" Nagisa asked.
"Tsssh, my name's Kyoko. And I guess you're that annoying little brat."
"Hey! My names-"
"Nagisa, I know. You talk with Mami every morning, right? Mami knows how to focus her telepathy so only you hear it, but when you do it you just broadcast it in this direction and I hear every word you say."
"Oh."
"And by the way, what's the point of saying, 'hey Mami it's Nagisa' every damn time? It's not like there are a dozen other magical girls living nearby who she could confuse you with."
"Um… I don't know, I just do."
"Right. Well anyway, Mami's sleeping. So quit calling out to her because I'm trying to sleep here too. It's almost midnight."
"I-I'm sorry, I just… really needed someone to talk to I-I just… I-"
"Huh?" Kyoko asked with a little more softness sneaking into her tone.
"M-my wish didn't work!" She buried her face into her arms over the windowsill as she cried out through her telepathy. "M-mama was okay for a little while and then she just got sick again! I-is it because I'm not doing good enough as a Magical Girl? Am I not getting enough GriefSeeds? Is Kyubey mad at me!? WHAT DID I DO WRONG!? Why did my wish stop working!?"
After saying all that she stopped broadcasting her telepathy and was just crying to herself alone, her tears falling on the windowsill.
She knew that the mean girl didn't care. She was the kind of girl who only cared about her own problems and Nagisa didn't know why she bothered telling her all of that. She just couldn't hold it in anymore, and Mami was sleeping and Kubey was nowhere in sight so she didn't know who to talk to.
After a long silence, Kyoko's voice entered her head again. "Sorry, but that's just how it goes for Magical Girl's..." Her tone was more sympathetic now. "So, what was your wish exactly? Probably there was some stupid loophole you didn't think of."
"I-I wished to cure my mama's illness. She has been sick in the hospital and… I wished to cure her."
"So it worked at first but then she got sick again, huh?" Kyoko asked.
"Uh… uh-huh…" Nagisa said back.
"Hmmm, yeah that little rat. Your wish probably cured her current illness but did nothing to prevent the same illness from infecting her again. Whatever made her sick in the first place obviously got to her again. So, there you go. Sorry, tough luck kid."
"But… Kyubey will fix it won't he? If something like that happened…"
There was a long silence until Kyoko said, "You'd have to ask him, but from my experience, no. He won't. I don't think he could even if he wanted to. The contract has been signed and from what I can tell it can't be changed once the deal is over and done with."
"But…" Nagisa didn't know what to say. If what Kyoko said was true, what was she supposed to do now?
"So, how much has Mami told you about me so far?" Kyoko asked.
"Um… not much. Just that you lost your family and you used to be a lot nicer before that."
"Heh, figures Mami would put it that way. She would never tell you the whole truth about it."
"What do you mean?" Nagisa asked, her head lifting from the window sill.
"Well, the truth is…" Her voice was cold but somehow amused at the same time. Nagisa could almost picture the grin on Kyoko's face as her broken body laid there in the dark, covered in bandages. "...the truth is, I'm the one who killed my family..."
Nagisa stared at the dark window across the street.
"But… what happened?" Nagisa asked carefully. The way Kyoko was talking about it so plainly scared her.
Kyoko was quiet for a while and eventually said, "It doesn't matter. Let me tell you this though, even if you could save your mom's life, you can't be with her anymore. Don't buy into Mami's fantasies. She desperately wants to think after becoming a Magical Girl she can just go on like a normal school girl, and treat this like an afterschool activity, but that ain't the way it is."
"W-why are you saying this?" Nagisa asked. Kyoko's words were hurting her, and it came through in the tone of her voice.
"Cause' it's true. Take my advice kid, just forget about your mom and anyone else you used to know. Ditch Mami, fight for yourself and quit with the hero fantasy. That's the only right path for you now."
Nagisa's fists clenched and she yelled, "Shut up! I'm not listening to you!"
"Fine, you'll figure it out on your own eventually. Heheh, either that or you'll die before you get to learn the full truth. Either you'll die in a labyrinth or another Magical Girl will kill you over a territory dispute. Heh, maybe I'll even end up killing ya' myself. Who knows?"
Nagisa had nothing to say. She started crying again but did her best not to let any of her thoughts go through to Kyoko. She didn't want Kyoko to know she was crying or think she got to her.
"Hm... sorry," Kyoko said after a while, her tone softening again. "I got a little carried away there, but I'm not saying that just to screw with you. I mean it. Learn to fight for yourself and only yourself. That's the only way you're going to make it in the long term. You're a Magical Girl now, don't be afraid to take advantage of it, kid."
"Shut up." Nagisa said back plainly, trying to keep her tone brave. "I'm done talking to you."
"Fine, have it your way. Goodnight." After a long pause she added one more thing: "And, hey... Sorry about your mom."
Nagisa did not respond to her after that. She flopped down on her bed and cried into her pillow, wondering why Mami bothered helping Kyoko.
One minor bright side, though, is at least she now felt angry instead of hopeless and depressed. She didn't like either feeling, but she thought being angry did feel at least a little better than sad and helpless.
III
Madoka's eyes winked open, her vision blurry for a moment until it focused in on Homura's face sleeping soundly right next to her. Madoka subconsciously slowed her breathing, perhaps to avoid any extra noise that may wake her.
She found herself with an inkling of fascination, seeing Homura like this. She seemed so much more vulnerable than Madoka had ever seen her before. It had seemed impossible for Homura to be vulnerable, but here she was.
She was curled up, one arm hugging her pillow against her soft pale cheek as her long black hair splayed out all around her. Her month hung slightly open as she slept. The stern expression she always held was gone. She looked so peaceful.
They were cuffed at the wrists, of course, and with acknowledgment of this fact Madoka's eyes drifted above Homura and to the key on the dresser. Almost as if calling to her, a ray of light from the corner of the curtains shone directly on the key and made it sparkle. That key would be the ticket to her freedom, if she could get her hands on it.
She sat up, resting her back on the headboard, but keeping her hand down by Homura's so she would not accidentally pull on the chain and wake her. If she did have the key, how heavy of a sleeper was Homura?
Another idea crossed her mind, a new necessary step of the plan revealing itself to her. She would need a way to make extra certain Homura did not wake up during her next escape attempt. Mixing sleeping pills into a drink is an idea that instantly crossed her mind, but they did not have any and if they did Madoka was sure Homura would be careful about something like that. Would something like that even affect Homura like a normal person? Her power might nullify the effects of something like sleeping pills.
It was a dumb plan, Madoka knew. She did not even have any sleeping pills in the first place and asking Homura to pick some up would be way too suspicious.
Homura stirred a little, she stretched her neck and then opened her eyes. Madoka sat there, feeling guilty, but forced herself to smile and continue to play her role. Actually, playing her role was pretty easy. It wasn't hard to smile at Homura when seeing her with that cute expression on her face. No, she really did not hate this girl. Under different circumstances she would have been happy to get closer to her. Apparently they were close in some of Homura's other timelines. She did not think Homura was lying about that.
"Good morning," Madoka said.
Homura smiled back, a bit of red touching her cheeks. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, actually," Madoka said as she raised one arm up and stretched her body. "Better than I have in a while." No matter how comfortably Homura had tried to tie her up, being restricted from movement for a long period of time always left her body feeling stiff. She did not feel any of that right now.
"That's good." Homura said.
Madoka grinned and raised her wrist, showing the cuff. "So, can we take these off now?"
Homura nodded and stepped off her end of the bed. Madoka had to crawl across the bed for a moment to follow her. Homura took the key from the dresser, unlocked her end of the cuff first and then Madoka's. Once again, Madoka tried not to look too interested in the key as it went into Homura's pocket, though she did notice a new detail. The shape of the key was very simple.
A normal house key had complicated cuts and angles to it, of course the key to these cuffs was not meant to be so unique and it only had a few square shaped protrusions to it, the one in the middle being the shallowest.
Finding a second key was probably an extremely long shot. Swiping this key from Homura while she slept was slightly more feasible, if she could distract Homura from placing it out of reach one night. But, making a copy? How could she do it? Mold one out of tinfoil using sight and memory? She was not sure if that was possible either. Using a paperclip or hairpin seemed more likely to work than something like that.
"Want breakfast?" Madoka asked, trying to sound as natural as possible and not give Homura any hints to her sneaky thoughts. She was excited that she was making progress with a plan, but Homura was smart. One wrong move could give everything away.
"Yeah," Homura said.
"Alright, you cooked last time so I'll make it this time." Madoka said.
IV
After breakfast they sat in the living room. Once again, Madoka was completely absorbed in her manga. Homura watched her from the other side of the couch. Up until now Madoka avoided getting close to her but now it seemed she was becoming more okay with it. Homura would have liked to move closer and cuddle directly next to her, but she decided she shouldn't do that unless she was invited.
Homura blushed, thinking about last night. She actually got to sleep in the same bed as Madoka. It was for the sake of not having to be tied up again, but still, it showed Madoka was becoming more comfortable with her. It was like the side of Madoka that cared for her as a close friend was finally coming out despite the situation of this timeline.
She hoped that Madoka could be happy living with her. She did not want Madoka to feel like a prisoner.
Madoka's eyes came above the manga and looked at Homura, who quickly glanced away because she realized had been staring at her.
Madoka giggled. "You okay?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm fine." Homura's cheeks felt hot, she hoped she wasn't blushing.
"Heh, sorry, I've been ignoring you," Madoka said as she closed the book and left it folded in her lap.
"No, it's okay. You can keep reading."
Madoka continued looking at her. When Homura's eyes drifted back to her, Madoka smiled. "What were you thinking about?"
"Um…" Her eye's shot away again.
"You looked like you were deep in thought, what was it?"
Now Homura was sure she was blushing, the way Madoka was smiling at her is the same way she always used to; when they were actually close, when Homura herself still had the innocence she wished for Madoka to be able to keep, before she felt her soul becoming numb amidst all the horrors of her existence in this endless maze.
"I don't know how to explain it," Homura eventually said. Madoka seemed dissatisfied with that answer, or she caught a hint of the darker thoughts that entered Homura's mind. "I suppose, I was just thinking that I hope you'll be able to be happy here."
"Well…" Madoka seemed to think about it. "I don't know how to answer that. Of course, I miss my old life, I want things to just go back to normal. Um… I can say one thing though." She seemed to wait for Homura to look at her again, there was weight inside the pause of her words. "I'm not scared of you the way I used to be. I can say that. At least, I think there's a side of you that's less scary. I want that side to stay out."
The way she said it was kind, but the words stabbed Homura nevertheless.
"I'm sorry," Homura said. "I don't mean to hurt you. It's just, after everything I've seen, and I don't know a better way to control the situation sometimes. It's unforgivable, but I just don't know what to do."
Then, Madoka was moving closer to her. Homura retreated against the armrest of the couch, but Madoka crawled across and took her hands. Now the smaller girl was the one to blush and looked away, sitting on her knees and holding Homura's hands in her own.
"I don't know either, even with everything you told me, and all I've seen, it's hard for me to understand. I don't think you're a bad person. Last night in the bathroom, I was thinking about how I feel about you, and…"
Homura felt her heart squeeze inside her chest. She watched Madoka's eyes as the smaller girl searched for the right words.
"...and, I guess, I believe that you do care about me, and I kind of feel like I care about you too."
"Madoka…" Homura whispered her name.
Madoka's hands loosened, then pulled away. "Still… I can't feel like it's okay that you are keeping me like this. To answer what you were thinking before, I think maybe I can be happy while being kept like this, but I can't ever think that it's okay, or that you are doing the right thing."
"I… wouldn't do it if-"
"I know," Madoka cut her off. "I understand why, but that doesn't mean I agree. Still, I decided to think of it like this: I can think about the situation of you keeping me prisoner as separate from you as a person. If I do that, then… well, I don't want to hate you, so if I think about it like that then I don't have to. I don't know if that makes any sense."
"It does," Homura said. She felt guilty hearing those words from Madoka. Because, if Madoka did try to escape again, she could not be lenient on her. That's what she had decided at the beginning of this timeline, when she first came up with this plan. She had decided that even if Madoka hated her, she would do whatever it took in order to keep her safe.
Homura looked at Madoka. She knew her own expression had become more intense because she could see it reflected by Madoka's more worried expression. "Thank you for being honest, but it's the same for me. I don't want to be cruel to you, but I still must do what's necessary. I simultaneously see you as the person who I care for and wish to protect, but also the person who I have to control in order to accomplish my goal. Knowing, no matter how horrible it may seem, it's better than the alternative."
Madoka sat back, subconsciously taking some distance from Homura. She now was the one to have trouble looking Homura in the eyes. The side of Homura that seemed to get cute and flustered was easy to want to get close to, but this side of her that was intense and dominating was different. Madoka wondered, if this darker side of her was a result of her time loops, was it only that cuter side that existed before? Was that the version of Homura which she had apparently been in a relationship with before?
"When you say something like that…" Madoka's words trailed off, not sure what she wanted to say.
"I still think if you just accept this, things will be easier. I do want to be kind to you."
"Maybe…" Madoka said. "Maybe I can accept it. I'll never agree with it, but… I think I can accept it. It's not like I have a choice, anyway."
Madoka felt Homura staring deep into her. Homura needed to be convinced she could let her guard down. Homura was smart, though. Madoka knew if she attempted to say she was one hundred percent okay with this, Homura would know it was a lie and know she was trying to manipulate her. What she said about not wanting to hate Homura was true, though. Actually, the irony is that after making the decision to manipulate her, she had actually ended up being more honest than ever.
"I truly hope that is the case," Homura said. "I hope you understand, it is not possible for you to get away from me. So please stop trying."
Madoka's eyes fell to the floor. She spoke with a lower voice, "I didn't try anything last night, when someone was in the hall."
"Yes. Thank you for that. Though, I think you know it wouldn't have worked either way. It would have just made things difficult for both of us."
Madoka nodded, no longer feeling much of the comfort she found herself in this morning. "I-I know," she said. She realized she was actually terrible at being a manipulator either way. As soon as she legitimately felt uncomfortable it was impossible for her to put on a smile and get close to Homura.
They were both quiet for a while.
Homura looked up again, hoping Madoka's eyes would meet her. They did not, and when Homura tried to move a little closer, Madoka scooted away very slightly.
"Madoka… I do care for you. I really do. I… hope you believe that."
Madoka nodded her head once.
Homura swallowed, moved a little closer. Madoka stayed still. She didn't want to hurt Madoka, she did not want Madoka to be scared of her.
"Can I hug you?" Homura asked, part of her regretting it the moment the words came out. It would crush her if Madoka said no. If she said, 'no, just stay away from me right now.' Homura wasn't sure if she would be able to take it.
"Um…" Madoka looked up, a doe-eyed expression on her face, conflicting emotions clearly battling inside her. "I… um…" She blushed and looked away. Her hands fidgeted, then she answered, "Yes. That's okay."
Homura got up, took a few steps over, and leaned down to put her arms around her, resting her chin over Madoka's shoulder.
Madoka wasn't sure. Did she say yes because she was trying to manipulate Homura? Or did the side of her that legitimately wanted to like Homura win? She wasn't sure, but having someone's arms around her felt good. Homura held tight, and Madoka could feel in her heart the pain that Homura must have been through.
"I'm sorry," Homura said. "For everything, I know it's not fair." Her voice was low, Madoka imagined she might be on the verge of tears.
Madoka's hands lifted and gently placed themselves on Homura's back.
Homura closed her eyes. If only she could have met Madoka under different circumstances. With magic, witches, and wishes not being a part of their lives. She would have been an adult by now, and maybe she and Madoka would have had a normal life together.
How would things have been different? If she did not have to battle for so long. If they finished school together normally, and maybe even went to college together. Though, she would have still had her heart condition. How long would she have lived for? Even if it was only for a few years it would have been better than this.
Maybe, that's what her wish should have been. Maybe she should have wished to go to an alternate life where they could just live normally.
Of course, that would not have worked either. As Homura knew all too well, no matter what... wishes came with a price.
-Atomyst
Thank you for reading!
Thanks again to Autumn_Forest for her help with beta reading and brainstorming ideas.
Follow me on twitter- at /Atomyst_fics
