Chapter 3
On The Road
-oOo-
"You'd like to rent a car?" The youth looked suspicious. Hermione could hardly blame him – normal people didn't turn up in the middle of nowhere looking for transport.
"Yes, please." She smiled, trying to look reassuring, but judging from the way he flinched it wasn't very successful.
"What's this, Granger? We have to buy one of these!"
Malfoy had found the toy section and homed in on the light-up toys, which probably wouldn't have come within fifteen miles of his nursery at Malfoy Manor when he was a child. He was making up for lost time, gleefully shooting arrows all over the shop.
Hermione closed her eyes momentarily, exasperation getting the better of her. "I'm sorry. He doesn't get out much."
"I can see that," the teenager in front of her mumbled.
"So what about a car, then?" She tried a reassuring smile.
The youth flinched slightly but obliged by starting to tap on the ancient computer next to the cash register.
Then he was hit in the forehead by a neon-coloured plastic arrow from the Nerf gun Draco had found on the top shelf.
"You can't just bribe people to put up with your stunts!" Hermione was keeping her eyes on the road as if it would slip into the sea if she blinked. It was either that or hit Malfoy over the head with the map she'd purchased at the gas station once she had stopped apologising, and she didn't rate her chances finding another car to rent if she crashed this one.
"Why not? He looked pretty happy, I thought." Malfoy cradled the Nerf gun as if he was afraid someone was going to take it from him. He wasn't entirely stupid, to give him his due.
"That's because we were leaving!" There was no need to add 'You idiot'. The words hung in the air, unspoken but obvious to everyone.
Or so she thought.
"He got fifty pounds for himself, plus more business that he'll see all day if the lack of other customers is anything to go by. I don't think he's complaining, but suit yourself. Where are we going now, then?"
Hermione's glare would have scared small children, but the road remained impassive. "Laois, of course. Do you know how to read a map?"
Malfoy was already unfolding it, elbows and map spreading into the driver's seat. "Do dragons shit in the woods?"
There was a field in front of them. There was a field on the left-hand side, and – sticking to the theme and reinforcing the sense of cosmic symmetry – there was also a field on the right.
Hermione hadn't looked behind her, but there would no prizes for guessing there was a bloody field there too, given they hadn't seen anything else for miles.
"Describe to me again how we are just about to arrive in Portlaoise, will you?" she asked Malfoy, leaning against the side of the car.
He was still in the passenger's seat, frantically scanning the map as if it had the answer to all their questions.
Which it did, provided Draco had paid attention at the beginning of their drive. He had not, as the argument previously had revealed, so their current location was anyone's guess. Unfortunately, the fields were populated only by cows, so the locals were little help.
Hermione was tired, hungry and increasingly aware that she only had a few hours to get to her lecture in Dublin.
All of these points had been expressed to Draco at length, so she did not feel the need to get into them again. She just slipped back into the driver's seat and started the engine.
"What?" He looked up, hair ruffled and the previously starched shirt full of wrinkles.
"I'm making an executive decision."
He looked hopeful. "Can we use a Point Me charm? Finally!"
"No magic! Besides, what help would it be if we don't know what direction we're supposed to be heading?"
"We could get lost in a more orderly fashion?"
Despite herself, she smiled. "Attractive as it sounds, I need to get to Dublin before it gets too late. My lecture starts at eight."
"Your lecture." The corners of his grey eyes crinkled. "I thought you had delivered already. 'Map-reading, And The Evils Of Not Paying Attention'."
Hermione quickly looked to the road so he wouldn't catch her smiling. "I'm gearing up for a repeat performance. Different subject matter, though."
"Yes, about that – you never told me what you're doing. A lecture, right? On what?"
He walked into that one.
"'Misadventures In Map-Reading', what else?"
"Seriously, though – what is it about? You can tell me," he tried.
"Or I can not." Hermione scanned the road ahead. Fields, fields, more fields. "Why don't you look for signposts instead?"
"I could, but there are only fields around here. If you hadn't noticed." He settled down with the map again.
"BUS!"
"Fucking Merlin, Granger, I almost thought we were under attack there!" Malfoy was panting, trying to push his wand back down his sleeve again. Waving it around was not a good look if you were trying to stay inconspicuous, as she had told him several times already.
"There's a bus over there!" Hermione elaborated, feeling he wasn't getting her point.
"Woohoo, they have buses in Ireland. Muggle buses, even. Well done," Malfoy said, proving it.
"We can follow it – presumably its final destination is not a field, but a village or something, and then we can figure out how to get to Dublin." And get something to eat, she added to herself – the Mars bar had been consumed hours ago.
Malfoy sat up, his back as straight as an arrow: "Follow that bus!"
"It's taking an awfully long time. Can't you drive any faster?" Malfoy had rolled down the window and was trying to crane his neck to see in front of the mile-long queue of cars ahead of them.
"Yes, for about 1.64 milliseconds before I crash into the car in front of us. Want me to try?" Hermione pushed her foot down slightly, revving the engine.
Fortunately, they had stopped to buy some sandwiches once they had seen the signposts for Dublin, or there would have been bloodshed by now.
Malfoy hastily pulled his head in again. "I think they're starting to move up there. We're almost in Kildare now, I'm sure it'll be quicker from there onwards." He glanced at the lane next to them, as stationary as they were. "Couldn't be slower, anyway," he muttered.
If time could have gone backwards on the way to Dublin, it would have. As it was, they eventually found a hotel within walking distance of Trinity College, where Hermione was delivering her lecture.
She was not getting into a car voluntarily anytime soon.
Just as the prospect of a shower and a change of clothes almost had materialised, it was snatched away again when the receptionist asked for a credit card.
Hermione had a Muggle credit card, of course – in her desk drawer back in London. The sinking feeling in her stomach when she calculated how to pay for a night in a hotel she never had envisaged ensured it would henceforth be stored in the successor to her beaded bag, but that didn't help them now.
She turned to Malfoy: "Please tell me you have some money left – you said I didn't need to bring any cash!"
Hermione didn't give a toss about pleading with him anymore, not with the prospect of no hotel room, no shower and no hope of getting ready for her speech on time.
"Sure, I've got lots – look!" Malfoy said, pulling a wad of notes out of his pocket. The familiar face of the Queen looked up at them.
"They're pound sterling, you – you absolute idiot! Ireland hasn't had the same currency as us since the Twenties, what with being an independent country and all. Then they got the euro, but I guess you missed that memo, too. Just because wizards don't bother keeping up with the times doesn't mean history doesn't happen, you know." Hermione had to stop for a long breath that sounded more like a sob than she cared for.
"Relax, Hermione." He put his hand on her arm, the other one diving back into his pocket to pull out another bundle of notes, this time with the familiar slightly too-clean look of euros.
"Of course I got the right currency. I've got one of the plasticky things too, if we need it. I have people looking after this sort of thing for me, you know," he said with a wry smile. "Please don't be distressed. It was just a joke. I know you don't think I have a clue about the M- the real world, so I thought I'd make a joke of out of it. It was a terrible idea, and I apologise." His hand was still resting on her arm.
"Draco Malfoy, if you ever try that on me again I will –" she said weakly, only to be interrupted:
"Do something terrifying, no doubt. No need to tell me what it is, I have enough nightmares already, thank you very much. Shall I pay the nice man and then we have half an hour to relax before we need to leave?"
She was too tired to notice the 'we' until she already was in the shower. Surely he couldn't be serious?
He was. Dressed in a fresh suit, he was waiting for her in the lobby looking disturbingly perky for a man who had travelled so far. Hermione smoothed down her black Hobbs dress, well aware it had not been in the vicinity of an iron those past three years.
"Ready? You forgot to tell me where we're going, by the way." He smiled at her, in a way that made it clear he knew perfectly well it had been a deliberate decision on her part.
Hermione made her choice in the blink of an eye: he may be a Malfoy and she could live to regret it, but what was the worst that could happen if she went along with it? After the day they'd had, it somehow seemed worse to give him the cold shoulder.
"Trinity College. The Muggle section, so I'm glad you've dressed the part."
He did look quite nice in a suit, she noticed as they walked down a street lined by Georgian redbricks. There was barely anyone about (they were probably stuck in a traffic jam trying to get home), so she made sure to check the hotel-issued map.
"Are you sure?" Draco eyed the utilitarian-looking buildings with distaste, but the handwritten additional directions on the map were clear. There was a hut for a security guard, but no one was inside and the lights were out. It was getting dark, and the alley did not look very appealing (as opposed to Draco's behind in those suit trousers, but Hermione was definitely not going to acknowledge that it had even occurred to her).
"Well, it says 'Trinity College Dublin Facilities Department – no trespassing', so I suppose..." she said dubiously ("Don't think about his arse, don't think about his arse, definitely don't think about his arse").
"Looks like the arse-end of nowhere to me, but- Are you all right?" He took one look at Hermione and started slapping her back vigorously until she had wheezed and coughed and spluttered back to normal.
"I'm fine," she sighed once she could speak coherently again. "I will just – just check the map again, will I?"
Cheating a little bit couldn't hurt, could it? She flicked her fingers to generate a fraction of the light from a proper Lumos and squinted at it. "It definitely says Lincoln Place –"
"Hail ye of wizarding stock, for only mages can these doors unlock!" a stentorian voice rumbled and she dropped the map.
Draco had his wand out as quickly as she did, and they ended up back to back in a fraction of a second.
"Don't fear us noble guardians of the gate
State your business, but speak straight.
These doors stay closed to lies and deceit
The baseness of man remains in the street.
Beyond those gates lie discernment and wit
So speak, stranger – get on with it!"
They looked at each other.
"This reminds me of Hogwarts," Draco said through the corner of his mouth. "Did you ever try to sneak into the Ravenclaw common room?"
"For some reason, my application to join the Inquisitorial Squad was turned down, so no – I didn't." It just slipped out, the same way she would have spoken to Ron or Harry (who of course had actually got into the Ravenclaw common room). She wasn't entirely sure he would accept it in the spirit it was intended, but he did.
"It was in Third year, for your information, and it was for a dare. Turned out defining what nothing is was a little too advanced for fourteen-year-old me, so I think you'd better take this one."
Hermione faced the gate, squaring her shoulders. Honestly, one would think they would warn visitors beforehand! Then she remembered she had informed the magical faculty she would arrive by Portkey. Perhaps it wasn't their fault.
Clearing her throat, she did her best: "Oh, mighty guardians of the gate: I'm Hermione Granger and this is my companion Draco Malfoy. Er – my errand is to deliver a lecture for the college to enjoy."
Ignoring the muffled snickers from Draco, she stared straight ahead as the gates creaked open.
"You do it yourself the next time if you're so good at coming up with rhymes on the hoof!" She strode forward briskly, but of course he had no difficulties keeping up with his longer legs.
"The trick is to avoid rhyming with Malfoy. Also, the two parts are supposed to be roughly the same length."
"Well done. You've earned yourself a go on the way out."
The darkness in the lane would have been disconcerting, had a row of green lights not appeared to light their way. Hermione tried to remember if there had been any directions enclosed in her welcome pack, but she had only skim-read it before leaving it on her desk at home.
It would have been pretty bloody handy if Accio had worked across the Irish Sea right about now, as she stared at a dimly lit courtyard without any idea of where to go next.
"Never volunteer for anything – old Slytherin saying. Nevertheless, perhaps I might be persuaded to make an attempt."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Knock yourself out."
He cleared his throat, never one to turn down an opportunity to add a dramatic touch. "Oh, wise spirits of the college, light our way – haste is needed, pray do not delay!"
A veritable fountain of magical lights erupted, directing them to a building with fine Elizabethan brickwork and a large wooden door, ajar.
"You spent all the time since we were standing at the gates trying to figure out good rhymes for 'way', didn't you?" Hermione mumbled as they reached the door.
She crossed the threshold and promptly forgot all about Draco's pompous rhymes.
'The Connotations of Cats: Crones, Spinsters and Crazy Cat Ladies' was plastered in foot-high letters on a large banner, with her name awarded a separate one which was even larger.
There was only one way to get through this.
Hermione ignored the snickering behind her back and sailed forward, hands spread wide to greet the Head of the School of Magic. Mary McDonnell seemed a very ordinary name for an extraordinary witch, and there was nothing commonplace about the research being carried out here.
Not that the ignoramus behind her would know much about the cutting edge of Muggle Studies, but then he might learn something tonight.
Maddeningly, it did Hermione no harm at all to be accompanied by a Malfoy – they both found themselves in the middle of a crowd after the lecture. It was only by standing on her tippy toes and shoot sparks with her wand Hermione managed to alert Draco to the fact she was leaving.
Attempting to leave, rather – it was another twenty minutes before they made it through the front door.
The courtyard was a welcome pool of silence, the distant sound of traffic and an occasional burst of sirens reminding them they were in the middle of a city.
"So Muggle men felt threatened by the prospect of women possessing knowledge they did not? How retrograde of them," Draco drawled.
Hermione snorted. "I've never come across that attitude amongst wizards. Completely unheard of."
"Fair point. I imagine there must be less of it, however, thanks to the equalising power of magic," he said mildly.
"There is a Muggle saying: 'Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them'. I find it quite insightful."
"I'd say something about my Aunt Bella now, but I'd probably get it wrong so I shall refrain."
Hermione's laughter echoed between the stone walls of the passage they were strolling down. The campus was a pleasant riddle to solve now, the high of speaking to so many people still bubbling inside her.
"Want to go for a drink?" It slipped out without a conscious decision on her part.
"Be a shame not to, while we're here. Good thing you have that map – I don't think it works so well to ask for guidance outside the gates."
"Oh, guardians of the pub –"
"Lead me to thy hub?" They dissolved in laughter, not noticing the flickers of magical light that rose hopefully only to die down again.
