2. The Meaning of Search

There was a regular humming coming from the engine, steps and voices behind the doors, sometimes a suspicious crack. They were the noises Zuko grew familiar to during the last two years, but today they were basically preventing him from sleeping. He heard each knock and creak and kept turning around on his futon for hours.

He was incredibly exhausted, but in spite that, he couldn't fall asleep. The fourth empty Air Temple was one of the reasons. Right now, he was in the mood to give up the mission and… but what then? The Fire Nation insignia hanging on the wall came into his view. The idea of giving up left immediately. If he was to give up, he would have nowhere to go; he wouldn't be able to go home. He would not be able to regain what he has lost.

No, he could not think that way ever again. The Avatar could not simply vaporize into the thin air. He must hide somewhere after the outbreak of the hundred-year war. He was simply waiting and hiding… for hundred years… doing... nothing. Doubts came back to Zuko's restless mind once more.

Maybe the Avatar is dead after all. It would mean that he will not return home, that he will not regain his honor. He felt, that his inner temperature was rising involuntarily. Anger was mixing with despair into an uncomfortable mixture of feelings and huge amounts of thoughts were running through his head. His whole body ached since the big expedition and now he felt that his head started aching as well. His legs and feet were swollen and bruised. The shoes which came with the uniform were not exactly fitting for mountain climbing. The other men were definitely feeling it as well. Most surely, Riun felt it the most. The feeling of remorse re-emerged in Zuko's mind for the fiftieth time that day. He risked his life for the mission a number of times but he hasn't realized until now that he was risking the lives of his crew as well. Now he started to wonder if he had such a right. Especially, if the search was pointless.

He had to stop thinking about it. He got up on his aching feet, put on some trousers and a tunic and decided to go to the infirmary to check on private Riun.


Ming got startled. Although it was just a quiet knock on the door. They opened up without an invitation. Ming stood up as he saw his commander entering the small infirmary. What is he doing here? He should be resting. Ming was also drowsing a bit, although he wanted to stay alert until Riun's fever will get lower.

It was quite an unusual sight for the prince to be in the infirmary. Prince Zuko was standing hesitantly in the doorway, like he didn't know if he should enter or not. "Sir, did something happen? What is going on?"

But the boy only shook his head slowly. He looked utmost exhausted. There was a dark shadow under his right eye and the left one looked even smaller than usual. Nevertheless, he still had his regular firm expression on his face.

"How is Riun?" The question came out of nowhere. Ming was caught off guard. Any interest about the crew's condition coming from the young commander was unheard of. Maybe he couldn't sleep because he felt guilty. That would be quite a surprise for the crew if they knew but Ming doubted that the prince wanted them to know about his visit.

Ming looked on the lying man. His leg was fixed still but the fever wasn't going away and even now he was sleeping restlessly. He was wrapped in wet towels and he put a wet handkerchief on his forehead as well. "Not very good," said Ming quietly. "The fever is not breaking even though I gave him a tea against inflammation."

Zuko looked away for a second but then glanced on Riun's leg. "And what about his leg? Will it be permanent?" Twinge of conscience after all?

"I don't think. Although injuries such these shouldn't be taken lightly." Zuko nodded and stood there for a while like hesitating if he should ask something more or not. He almost turned to leave when Ming stopped him. "If he makes it through the fever in the next hours he should be fine."

Zuko looked on him. "Let me know when that happens." He was already outside when Ming heard him add: "You know where to find me." Ming knew right away what he meant by that. And he didn't like it.

"Sir, you should rest and not…" He tried to stop him but the young commander was already gone. Ming could only sigh over the prince's stubbornness and hope that he won't collapse out of exertion. Well at least he could confirm that his so-called Spoilt Highness had some conscience after all.

Ming sat back on the chair. He was glad that the prince took him by surprise, otherwise he would have fallen asleep. He was exhausted just like the rest of the expedition group and he couldn't understand how was Zuko not able to rest let alone train. The prince's comment clearly meant that he was going to the empty storage room which he used for training with his dual blades.

He didn't train with the blades on the deck as with firebending but he preferred the empty room because for some reason he didn't want the crew to know about his sword or maybe some other skills. Ming was pretty sure that he and probably his uncle are the only ones who know about them. The rest of the crew had no idea what's in the empty store room since nobody but the prince had keys to it. There were even rumours about what the prince could be hiding there, some of them even pretty indecent. He wanted to ask the commander why he has to be so secretive about it but he didn't want to anger the hot-tempered young man.

Only the fact that he learnt about his training sessions was surprising for him. It was one night when Zuko waked him with a strained shoulder that he was trying to fix alone but didn't manage. Ming scolded him harshly for not coming to him right away but the boy didn't look like he learnt from the experience. Ming then wheedled out of him how he came to the injury. The prince told him really reluctantly about his trainings and then at least five times emphasized that he mustn't tell anyone. Ming of course promised and didn't ask him further. What was he supposed to do about that stupid brat anyway? Kids always think they know best. Give them a commanding position and then the adults must follow. He wasn't even their prince now.

That was when decided to stop muse about his rather stupid commander and changed Riun's towels for colder ones. He started to shiver even more. Ming hoped that the fever will break in the next hour because then his condition would start to get really serious. He made himself an invigorating tea to make sure he won't fell asleep again.


Two hours later, Zuko was only aimlessly banging the straw figurine with blunt poles since he didn't want to damage his dual swords because of the anger tantrum he was holding.

He went through all of his forms with the swords long ago, even those he thought were forgotten from the old trainings. Then he went on to muscle-building exercises but he couldn't stay in any of them for a longer time. The nervousness was taking over him.

Now, he was only walking through the small room like a trapped wild animal while taking out his rage on the training equipment and the poor mannequin. He no longer cared if somebody was to hear him. A great mess of thoughts was boiling in his head that he could not sort out. Although he was on the brink of exertion and his whole body was in pain he just couldn't stop moving. He needed to blow off steam and the temperature in the storage room was proving it. When he wasn't even able to hold the metal poles in his hands because they were so hot he had to throw them away. And so went the last tools for blowing off.

But he still couldn't sit down. He didn't know what to do with his hands, his body or what to do in general. Avatar is most probably dead and he risked his life, his uncle's life and the lives of his crew in vain on dangerous expedition. And one of them was probably paying the price just now. Zuko kicked the mannequin as it was its fault. He delivered a few strong punches and kicks. Finally, he made a roundhouse kick which blew away the mannequin's head. He watched for a while then picked it up. The straw head burst into flames. This is not going to work.

He had to find a way how to find out if the Avatar is still alive and if he is where to find him. He will not wander around the world aimlessly anymore. He has to and will find the way. Maybe he will have to ask his Uncle or find help elsewhere, but he most definitely will find out. Not just because of the crew. He himself has to know if there is a hope to return home. Otherwise he would waste his life chasing something that doesn't exist for a very long time. Two years of chasing were good enough.

At that thought he kicked again into the already shapeless straw and wanted to throw all the rest of his energy on the used to be figurine when he heard a knock on the metal door. For a second, Zuko once more felt like a small child caught doing some mischief but he quickly recollected himself. It's got to be Ming. He tried to hope for good news. He really had no idea how much time got by since he was in the infirmary, if it was too late for the sick soldier.

Zuko opened the door with a heavy heart. It was really Ming who knocked. Zuko didn't really want to admit how glad he was, when he saw a small smile on the older man's face. "The worst is behind him. It took longer than it should but the high fever is gone." Zuko nodded with relief.

"We will see how things will go, but I believe he should get better," Ming added and Zuko felt the older man's probing glance but he didn't averted his eyes, only made sure that the man won't read anything out of his expression. Especially the huge relief he felt.

"Sir, with all respect, you look horrible." Zuko was taken aback for a moment by such an open comment from his subordinate. But he didn't finish there. "You should go lie down and sleep for good ten hours." Zuko snorted.

"You don't look any better, lieutenant."

"Better than you, that's for sure." Zuko rose to his full height and looked on the healer with a firm glance.

"Thank you for the report on private Riun's condition. I think that should be all." He turned around to lock the room behind him hoping that the second lieutenant hasn't noticed the destruction he created there during the last hours.

"Tell my Uncle that I don't want anyone to disturb me by tomorrow noon." With that command he turned away and went to his cabin. He felt Ming's probing look on his back once again until he walked up the stairs and got away from his line of sight.

He felt more tired by each step and by the time he got back to his cabin, his legs gave up anyway. He fell on his futon and forgot about the world.


The hallways of the palace were unusually dark. The figure he was chasing through the royal family's chambers was not so far ahead of him, but he still was not able to see it clearly. He had to stop him, he had to catch him. He almost crashed into the closed door of his own room. How quickly did he get through them? He opened them but there was a strange hallway instead of his bedroom. He didn't have time to wonder. The figure must have gone through here. There was no other way. He had to follow.

Why was he here? From all the places all around the world, he was hiding right in the heart of the Fire Nation, in the house of Fire Lord. It didn't make sense. But he could see the outline of him right in front of his eyes. He ran as fast as he could, but the figure had held the lead.

"Avatar! Stay and fight! You have no chance of running away!" But the figure kept running. He decided to use firebending. He will make a fire whip and… Zuko punched into the air, but nothing happened. "What...?" He didn't understand. How could his firebending not work? How is he supposed to fight the Avatar? He could not lose him. "Avatar! Wait!" But he did not. He ran into the room at the end of the hallway. Zuko didn't hesitate and followed him.

It was the throne room. Familiar columns were illuminated by the strong light of the fire in front of the Dragon Throne. He didn't remember the fire to be so glaring. He had a problem to see through it. The Avatar was nowhere to be found. There was nobody in the room except... how dare the Avatar? How could he sit on his father's place?

"Avatar! How dare you sit on the Dragon Throne of the Fire Nation?!" Zuko was furious. The fire seemed to respond to the rise in his temper and glared even brighter.

"Come and fight me, you coward!" Zuko stood up into a fighting stance, only then remembering that his firebending hasn't worked just a moment ago. Only if he had his dao swords with him he could stand a chance. But he didn't give up. And so didn't the person behind the wall of flames. The silhouette stood up as well and the flames lowered. But it was not the Avatar who stood there.

How could it be? It is not possible?! The person came down to stand in front of Zuko. Familiar dao were unsheathed and a familiar smirk faced him. A person in his blue mask was holding his very own dao blades he was just thinking about seconds ago.

"Who...Who are you?" Zuko asked. The masked man didn't answer only came few steps closer. Zuko retreated few steps as well but didn't lose his fighting stance. Who was this man? It clearly wasn't him. Who would take his mask and blades without him noticing? This didn't make sense at all. Suddenly, the man swung the swords dangerously close to Zuko's face. The attack was so sudden that Zuko couldn't even react. But before the second swing of the blades, he managed to jump backwards. The mysterious figure made him retreating backwards with a series of swift attacks.

Zuko could recognize all of the movements. They were the katas he learnt and trained almost every day. Who was this man? After retreating another few steps, Zuko found himself backed against one of the columns. The man took the chance and made a fast thrust forward with both of his swords. Zuko closed his eyes and expected sharp pain in his chest but nothing came. Slowly, he opened his eyes to find the grinning face of the mask just few centimeters from his own face. He never realized just how scary the thing is. The blades were crossed in front of his neck what made Zuko unable to move. He was forced to stare into the black, empty eyes of the mask. Feeling of desperation started to overtake him.

"What do you want from me?" he hissed at the masked shape, his voice betraying him, jumping a little. But the silence remained. The thing had nothing to say. It was only staring at him with the emptiness of his eyes. It remained silent...


"…Prince Zuko! Are you up? Prince Zuko? Zuko got startled by the opening of the door. He slept so deep that he had to take a moment to remember where he just was and what is going on. It was something that almost never happened to him. He usually waked up on each small rustle or crack and now he was staring right into the face of his Uncle. He even had a problem to see him as the image of the blue mask was still floating in front of his eyes.

"Yes, Uncle, I'm up. As you can see," murmured Zuko annoyed. "How much did I sleep? What time is it?"

"You almost slept through the whole day. The sun will set just in two hours. I brought you something to eat." Iroh proudly displayed the tray he was holding.

"So much? I told Ming… whatever." Zuko was trying to drive away the last bits of his dream. The smell of the food was helping greatly. "Thank you, Uncle." He took the offered food tray and put it down by his side.

"You should eat while it's warm. The soup is excellent. The cook should receive an award." Iroh was smiling from ear to ear and looked like he would go ask the cook for one more portion just as he will get out of the room.

"Fine, Uncle. I will eat it. I just need to get awake." Zuko slowly stood up, his feet aching even more than yesterday. He went to the small basin of water and splashed himself in the face.

"A small meditation would be a good idea. You should come to the deck, at least until the sun is up."

"Yes, Uncle. I'll go." But he still didn't get the cue for leaving.

"How do you feel, Zuko? You're a bit pale." "Uncle, I'll come right away, just leave me a moment to wake up." The old man finally listened. But Zuko didn't miss the look of worry on his face when he turned to leave.

His Uncle was always like that. At least the last two years. Always worrying for him. He couldn't convince him to stop. Sometimes he felt like his Uncle doesn't trust his abilities. Sure, he had miles of catching up to say Azula or his father in firebending, but he found other ways of improving himself.

He looked around his cabin. The swords were hanging on their usual place. He opened the chest with his personal belongings and in the bottom he found the blue mask, also on its usual place. He never gave the mask a deeper thinking. It was some weeks after his banishment when he stole it from a showcase of an itinerant theatre playing Love Amongst the Dragons, the play he remembered from childhood summers spent on Ember Island. He remembered that he used to be scared of the mask as a child but it never occurred to him that he would be scared of the thing now. And yet, the vivid dream made his skin crawl. Even from looking on the mask he got chills on his back. He quickly threw it back into the chest and tried to forget about the dream.

He washed himself and quickly ate the soup his Uncle left for him. Uncle was right, the soup was truly delicious, although it cooled down a bit. At least it gave him some energy he lost after the expedition and training. Looking back, he realized how close he was to a complete exhaustion. Even after the long sleep he didn't feel rested or fresh. Maybe because of that dream.

Zuko went on the deck and the sight of almost the whole crew took him by surprise. All of the firebenders were there, except his Uncle. The men were sitting on the ground side by side, meditating. It looked like they were even breathing synchronously. Then he noticed that Ming was sitting in front of them and hitting a small gong repetitively, dictating the rhythm of the inhale and exhale.

What surprised him even more was seeing Riun sitting on the side of the deck, leaning his back on the railing. His eyes were closed so Zuko wasn't sure if the young man was sleeping or meditating as well. Well, he wasn't looking that much better since yesterday. His skin was still pale, gray even, and he had his leg in the splint put on a pillow in front of him. There was also an empty cup by his side. There was cold outside, but Riun was the only one visibly shivering.

He didn't know, if the men noticed him or not since they didn't interrupt their meditation, but Ming, as the only one with opened eyes, pointed at the empty pillow by the group of men. It looked like it was prepared for him. Zuko would normally prefer meditation in solitude, but he couldn't send the firebenders away from the already setting sun, especially when they still were in zones where the day lasted only for few hours.

Earlier, it would never even cross his mind that the lack of few hours of sunlight would have such a strong effect on firebenders. He only noticed this fact on the way to the Southern Air Temple when they wanted to firebend after the sunset to be able to continue in the dark. Soon the flames they were holding kept getting smaller and smaller by each day, until they were not able to continue in their journey and had to set up a camp and wait until sunrise. Well, it was him who was to blame. It was him, who set them up during the winter solstice for a cruise to the South Pole. He couldn't keep them from a meditation under the scarce rays of the sun. It was just that he never expected that the lack of sunlight would be such a problem. It never was at home.

He sat down to the rest of the soldiers and let Agni's rays to fill him up with energy. Zuko alone hadn't noticed a big difference in his chi, but only after a few minutes spent under the sun, he started to feel his inner fire heating up. Until now, he hadn't even noticed it being dimmed.

The men spent another hour meditating and breathing in unison on each hit of the gong. Zuko tried to open up all of his senses and to not think about anything. It was a long time since he meditated outside of his cabin. Now, he was able to sense the pungent wind on his face. It almost seemed, that he could feel it on the left side of his face, although he knew it wasn't possible. The scarred tissue was callous.

He listened to the sound of waves hitting the prow and inhaled the smell of the sea. After a while, it seemed he could also taste its saltiness. He noticed the subtle swaying of the ship that he stopped sensing very soon after boarding the ship. Zuko decided that he liked these perceptions. They were familiar and calming. But also on the other hand, he hated that they became familiar. How long will this journey last? His whole life? No. He decided yesterday. He will find out if there is a point or a meaning for them to continue this search for Avatar. If not, he will find another way of getting back home, of getting back his honor.

Suddenly, there was a noisy clang instead of the quiet clink. Zuko almost jumped, as well as the others. There was a small amused smirk on Ming's lips. Only then Zuko realized that instead of meditating his mind drifted to other places. Places of useless thinking. But still he felt much better. Even better than after so much hours of sleep. Everybody stood up to stretch their numb and aching limbs, but before each of them would go their own way, Ming stopped them.

"Tomorrow, there will be another meditation hour. I expect participation from all of you." Then he turned to Zuko.

"Sir, you should attend as well. I know you prefer solitude during meditation but now meditation under the sun would be much more helping. As the ship's medic I strongly recommend the group meditation."

"Fine." Zuko didn't argue. He felt that his health condition wasn't the only thing Ming was trying to improve. But he alone could feel the difference between meditation inside and outside. So he decided he will participate in the outside meditation, at least until the sun will be at least six hours a day above the horizon.

"Private Riun, would you like any more of my green tea?" The voice of his Uncle sounded behind Zuko's back. Riun must have been asleep after all because he looked confused as if he didn't know what is going on. When he saw the old general standing above him with a steaming cup of tea and smile on his face, Riun immediately straightened up and looked for his crutches. Iroh only kept smiling and tried to relax him.

"Just sit still, you don't need to stand up. And you don't have to break your other leg for an old tea maker's sake." Iroh just patted him on the shoulder and put the tea cup into his hands.

"Tha…thank you, sir." Riun was clearly embarrassed by the situation. It was the general, Dragon of the West, serving him tea.

Zuko just rolled his eyes. He knew his Uncle too well to know, that the old man was teasing him on purpose. Most of the men in the crew knew him from the times when he used to lead the belligerent armies to Ba Sing Se. That was almost all he learnt from the introductions to the crew men in the beginning of their journey. But as usual, his Uncle got lost in some old stories and reminiscences from years ago and Zuko just couldn't keep track. It was because of that he had problems with the names of the crew up until now. About Riun he knew that he was the younger brother of one of the non-bender soldiers and from his looks he could about ten years older than Zuko himself. From the crew, he only knew the names of Jee and Ming. He didn't even speak with the rest of them. Not like there would be something to talk about. They were soldiers. They were expendable just like all of the soldiers. That much he learnt from the only war meeting he ever attended to. But still for some reason he couldn't look directly on Riun sitting by the railing shivering from the cold. He let himself feel guilty about it. It was exactly why his father considered him weak, unfit for the title of the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation. He brought dishonor on this title by acting like a weakling, but somehow he couldn't help it.

"Prince Zuko, will you stay with us?" His Uncle stopped him the moment he saw him leaving. "We're having music night to entertain our young injured friend here. I keep promising the men that you'll show them your play on the tsungi horn."

"No, thanks, Uncle. How many times did I tell you that I can't play the tsungi horn!"

Just a second ago, he was considering asking his Uncle about the next steps, but after the old man's last question, he didn't even want to see him. He kept embarrassing him with that damn horn. Uncle once saw him play the thing during his learning sessions years ago and he couldn't let it go. Zuko didn't want to see the stupid instrument in his life ever again. The lectures with the obnoxious teacher were just enough. Thank you very much.

But just before he would step into the dark hallway of the ship, lieutenant Jee stopped him. "What again?"

"Sir, we'll arrive to the port of You Feng by tomorrow morning. We'll have to stay for loading supplies." Zuko only waved his hand that he understood and headed for his cabin.


A/N: I know. There is still not much of a plot (I have to make Zuko stop brooding) but I hope that with their arrival to the port in the next chapter, the plot will arrive as well :) and maybe some other familiar faces :)