Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling or Timothy Zahn.
Enter Ron Weasley and Rubeus Hagrid, in the Leaky Cauldron.
Hagrid. Raaarrgghh.
Ron. Don't worry. He'll be here. It's just McLaggen. I don't think he's ever been on time for anything in his whole life.
Enter Cormac McLaggen.
McLaggen. Hello, Weasley.
Ron. Well, hello, Cormac. Long time, no see. Have a seat.
McLaggen. Sure. Soon as you and Hagrid both put your hands on the table.
Ron. Oh, come on. You think I'd invite you all the way here just to shoot at you? We're old buddies, remember?
McLaggen. Sure we are. Or at least we used to be. But I hear you've gone respectable.
Ron. [shrugs] Respectable is such a vague word.
McLaggen. Oh, well, then let's be specific. I hear you joined Dumbledore's Army, got made a general, married a former Scottish princess, and got yourself a set of twins on the way.
Ron. Actually, I resigned the general part a few months back.
McLaggen. [snorts] Forgive me. So what's all this about? Some kind of warning?
Ron. [frowns] What do you mean?
McLaggen. Don't play innocent, Weasley. Wizards' Council replaces Ministry, all fine and sweet and dandy. But you know as well as I do that it's all the same to smugglers. So if this is an official invitation to cease and desist our business activities, let me laugh in your face and get out of here.
Ron. It's nothing like that. As a matter of fact, I was hoping to hire you.
McLaggen. What?
Ron. You heard right. We're looking to hire smugglers.
McLaggen. Is this something to do with your fight with the Ministry? Because if it is . . .
Ron. It isn't. There's a whole spiel that goes along with this. But what it boils down to is that the Wizards' Council is short of cargo brooms at the moment, not to mention experienced cargo broom pilots. If you're looking to earn some quick and honest gold, this would be a good time to do it.
McLaggen. Uh-huh. So what's the catch?
Ron. [shakes his head] No catch. We need brooms and pilots to get interstellar trade going again. You've got them. That's all there is to it.
McLaggen. So why work for you and your pittance directly? Why can't we just smuggle the stuff and make more per trip?
Ron. You could do that. But only if your customers had to pay the kind of tariffs that would make hiring smugglers worthwhile. In this case, they won't.
McLaggen. Oh, come on, Weasley. A brand-new government, hard-pressed like mad for gold, and you want me to believe they won't be piling tariffs on top of each other?
Ron. Believe anything you want. Go ahead and try it, too. But when you're convinced, give me a call.
McLaggen. You know, Weasley, I wouldn't have come if I didn't trust you. Well, maybe I was curious, too, to see what scam you were pulling. And I might be willing to believe you on this, at least enough to check it out myself. But I'll tell you right up front that a lot of others in my group won't.
Ron. Why not?
McLaggen. Because you've gone respectable. That's why. Oh, don't give me that hurt look. The simple fact is that you've been out of the business too long to even remember what it's like. Profits are what drives a smuggler, Weasley. Profits and excitement.
Ron. So what are you going to do instead, operate in the Ministry regions?
McLaggen. It pays.
Ron. For now, maybe. But their territory's been shrinking for five years straight, and it's going to keep getting smaller. We're just about evenly gunned now, you know, and our people are more motivated and a lot better trained than theirs.
McLaggen. Maybe. But maybe not. I hear rumors that there's someone new in charge out there, someone who's been giving you a lot of trouble . . . like in the Flourish-Blotts region, for instance? I hear you lost a Muggle task force out there just a little while ago. Awfully sloppy, losing a whole task force like that.
Ron. Just remember that anybody who gives us trouble is going to give you trouble, too. And if you think the Wizards' Council is hungry for gold, think of how hungry the Ministry must be right now.
McLaggen. It's certainly an adventure. [rises] Well, it really was nice seeing you again, Weasley. But I've got to go. Say hello to your princess for me.
Ron. Just give your people our offer, okay?
McLaggen. Oh, I will. Might even be some who will take you up on it. You never can tell.
Ron. [nods] One other thing, McLaggen. Who exactly is the big fish in the pond now that Golgomath is gone?
McLaggen. Well, I guess it's not really a secret. Mind you, there aren't any real official numbers. But if I were betting, I'd put my money on Aberforth Dumbledore.
Ron. [frowns] Where can I find him?
McLaggen. You'd like to know that, wouldn't you? Maybe someday I'll tell you.
Ron. McLaggen . . .
McLaggen. I've got to go. See you around, Hagrid. [pauses] Oh, by the way, you might tell your pal over there that he's got to be the worst excuse for a backup man I've ever seen. Just thought you'd like to know.
Exit McLaggen.
Hagrid. Aaaughh.
Ron. Well, what do you expect with Admiral Murcus sitting on the Council? The selkies were death on smugglers even before the war, and everyone knows it. Don't worry. They'll come around. Some of them, anyway. McLaggen can blather all he wants about profit and excitement; but you offer them secure maintenance facilities, no Golgomath-style skimming, and no one shooting at them, and they'll get interested. Come on, let's get going.
Ron and Hagrid walk over to their backup man: Neville Longbottom.
I've got a message for you. I'm supposed to tell you that you're the worst excuse for a backup man that McLaggen has ever seen.
Neville. [grins] I thought that was the whole idea.
Ron. Yes, but McLaggen didn't. So where's Peakes, anyway?
Enter Jimmy Peakes, a Council commando.
Peakes. Right here, sir.
Ron. You see anything suspicious?
Peakes. [shakes his head] No backup troops, no weapons other than his rifle. This bloke must have genuinely trusted you.
Ron. Yeah. Progress. Let's get going. We're going to be late enough back to London as it is. And I want to swing through the Flourish-Blotts region on the way.
Neville. That missing Muggle task force?
Ron. Yeah. I want to see if they've figured out what happened to it yet. And if we're lucky, maybe get some idea of who did it to them.
Exit all.
