Steve lay in bed alone with his thoughts. He kept thinking about the breakfast conversation he had with Jaime earlier. Part of him had really enjoyed talking about all those happy memories. The other part of him grieved for the loss of what they once had. He had pushed that part down deep when he was talking to her; but now, alone in his room, the grief came flooding back to him.
A tear ran down his cheek.
That beautiful woman sitting next to him this morning was Jaime but it wasn't his Jaime, the Jaime that had loved him and promised to marry him, the Jaime that wanted to build a future with him. That Jaime was gone. He knew he had to accept that and move on. But it was so difficult. He ached to have his Jaime back.
Steve had survived the last year and a half by burying himself in his work and putting his Jaime in a safe walled off place in his mind. He tried to remain hopeful. Hopeful that she would come back to him some day. Hopeful that she would love him again. Hopeful that they would have a life together. And when he was hopeful, he was able to show her the best of himself and be his usual charming self.
Steve may have been part machine, but he was still very much human. And like any human, he had his less flattering moments. In his case they were rare, but he had them. He had moments when he would fall into despair or grief. When that happened, he was standoffish, not allowing Jaime to get too close. He knew it was his way of trying to protect his emotions. But he also knew that behavior was hurting his chances of getting even closer to her. So when that happened, he would have to force himself out of his funk. Often that meant going off alone fishing, horseback riding, canoeing, or taking a long walk until he was able to find and be his best self again.
This morning, Steve could feel himself giving in to the grief and despair. He knew he had to fight it. He couldn't let himself fall into despair now, not while Jaime was here with him at the lab.
God, he needed to go for a walk. But he couldn't get out of this damn bed.
So he closed his eyes and imagined himself walking around the lake back home in Ojai. In his mind he smelled the fresh air, saw the gentle waves of the lake, and heard the rustle of the grass as he walked through it. In that setting in his mind he went through a gratitude exercise that helped him whenever he started feeling sorry for himself.
He knew he was grateful for the love they had shared. He definitely wasn't sorry that their relationship had happened. He would happily take having Jaime in his life over never having her in his life at all, even if it was only platonic friendship. He was also happy that she was happy, healthy, and alive.
As long as there was life, there was hope. He had to cling to that.
A knock on the door roused Steve out of his thoughts. He quickly wiped the tear from his cheek.
"Steve?" Oscar walked in. "I heard you were awake. How are you doing, Pal?"
"Hey, Oscar. Oh, I'm feeling better."
"Glad to hear it because from the looks of that you weren't feeling so hot five days ago." Oscar nodded toward the bent bed rail. "You know that's considered destruction of hospital property, Pal," Oscar joked.
Steve was astonished. He hadn't noticed the damage he had caused. "Well, I guess I better fix it. I wouldn't it to come out of my paycheck, you know." He placed his right hand on the railing and pulled it back into place.
Oscar marveled as he watched Steve use his bionic arm. As often as he had seen bionics in action, it still amazed him. "Well, your arm still works. Now we need to get the rest of you working because, while you're lying around here being served hand and foot, the work is piling up. I need you supervising the Starburst Project, Pal, and getting it moving again."
"Ugh, Oscar, don't even talk to me about work right now."
Oscar laughed then got serious. "I hear Jamie is here. How are you handling that, Pal?"
Steve considered lying but he knew Oscar wasn't one to be easily fooled. He swore that man had a built-in lie detector. The truth was the only way to go with Oscar. "It's great seeing her again, but it's also hard."
"I understand," Oscar sympathized as he patted Steve on the shoulder. "I wish we could have done more. I wish we could have gotten all her memories back instead of just some of them."
"Yeah, I know. I'm grateful for everything you've done for her."
It was lunchtime and Steve was looking forward to having Jaime come by for a visit. So when the door opened and Vicky walked in carrying a tray, he was disappointed and confused.
Vicky placed the tray on the overbed table and pushed it in front of him. "Ms. Sommers asked me to give you her regrets for not making it to lunch. She is dining with Mr. Goldman this afternoon. She said she will see you at dinner."
"Thanks," was all he could say as he lifted the cover of the tray.
