Chapter nine

If only

Loki was truly happy; he'd had a great life, but this was the best part. He was married to his one true love, she had been able to eat an apple of Idunn and he held in his arms a beautiful baby girl. Little Ebony Lokadottir. Right now, the not-even-a-day-old was sleeping peacefully and he hoped her mother would return soon. It seemed post-labour was giving her some strange emotions and if she were still mortal, he would wonder whether she had that post-natal depression thing that mortals unfortunately had sometimes. Maybe it was still possible, despite Darcy being Aesir now. Loki truly hoped not. Just then, his mother, father, brother and sister-in-law entered the room rather quietly, all gathering around the bed. However, it seemed that his daughter was waking up anyway. His mother sat in a chair next to his side of the bed and Loki gently gave her Ebony. Needless to say Ebony had one very happy grandmother who was already doting on the tiny bundle. Loki looked to his father and brother.

"She is beautiful, Loki," his father said, smiling softly. "I do hope I can hold her too before she becomes an adult." Loki laughed.

"Keep talking and you will not, dear," his mother returned like he knew she would. Thor laughed and crouched on the bed next to Loki, slapping him on the back.

"Congratulations, Loki! Somehow you and Darcy have produced something so adorable," Thor said, which earned him a good shove off of the bed and a thunk onto the floor. Ebony made a little noise as if scared, but her grandmother soothed her.

"Where is Darcy?" His father asked.

"She has gone for some fresh air; I am unsure of what is the matter right now, but it must be the hormones," Loki said. "She seemed a little off."

"Some women become overwhelmed, especially one so young as Darcy; it takes some time to get used to the idea of having birthed a child. Go and see her, my son. We will take good care of Ebony," his mother said. Loki nodded and left the room, going straight for the exit and into the gardens, finally finding Darcy clutching her head and looking wild-eyed.

"Darcy? What is wrong?" Loki asked. She looked at him like she was seeing a ghost.

"Loki…oh God," Darcy said, looking around her a little. "I'm not sure you'll believe me even if I told you."

"Just try me; you are my wife, of course I will believe you," Loki said softly. He saw her grimace a little, though he wasn't sure why.

"This isn't real," Darcy said. "This…all this…you. I don't know whether you're part of the dream or whether you're stuck here too." Loki frowned. What was she talking about?

"Darcy, perhaps you are just tired," Loki said.

"What happened to believing me, huh?" Darcy asked dryly. "I didn't expect you to, don't worry. The Reality Gem. Do you know where it is?"

"What is that?" Loki asked.

"Infinity Gems? Infinity Stones? The Mind Gem, the Space Gem, which is also called the Tesseract. The Power Gem, also known as the Aether. These are the ones we have, and we were looking for the Reality Gem. I'm assuming, anyway. You never really told me which one we were looking for, but it just popped into my mind," Darcy said. He frowned.

"I have never heard of those, Darcy. There is no such thing as Infinity Stones," Loki said.

"Okay, let's see. This reality is way different to our true reality. I mean, my background is almost the same, except I'm a lot more successful, better liked, more confident…and I guess if I was going to become immortal, the one thing that wouldn't make me quite as sad is having my parents join me too. I didn't have loads of friends, less than in my true reality, which might just be this reality's way of making me immortal easier. Your background here…your mother's alive, I don't really know much about either of them…oh and your Godly title is different here. Yours here has Magic in it, but in our true reality, I think it was Lies. The big change is how you're Asgardian here, whereas…Jotunn? in true reality, and the Jotunns here never invaded Earth, never became thought of as monsters and you didn't cause all sorts of chaos on Earth," Darcy said. Loki listened to her, but was quite confused. He put his hands on her shoulders and brought her into a hug, to which she stiffened. That hurt.

"I…said I would believe you, but I honestly…I have no idea what you are talking about," Loki said softly. "Why do you stiffen? I am only trying to comfort you, my love."

"The library! Maybe if we tried to get out the same way we got in!" Darcy said. "There has to be a way. I can't be stuck here in some false reality."

"What is wrong with it? Darcy, you are scaring me…do you still love me? Ebony?" Loki asked, pulling back to look at her. Darcy frowned.

"It's more complicated than that…please, Loki, just come with me. If I end up wrong and I'm just going crazy, then I promise you I'll seek help," Darcy said. Maybe she was suffering that post-natal depression thing. It made him sad.

"You need to sleep, first," Loki said.

"No! This can't wait! Loki, if I sleep now, I can't sleep with you; the way I'm feeling, just…please, let's go now!" Darcy said. She seemed to stop for a moment, her gaze sad. "But I will see Ebony before we do." Loki didn't really have a choice. He led her back inside and Darcy took Ebony back into her arms, asking everyone to leave the room for a moment. However, he reappeared back in the room invisibly. What he saw was distressing; Darcy was sobbing, holding Ebony close to her and Ebony was touching Darcy's face, her own little face looking a little confused. Or as confused as a newborn could appear, anyway.

"I'm sorry, little one. I wish I could keep you; I wish you were real," Darcy sobbed, rocking her as if she was trying to memorise the scene. It made Loki sad and he left her to it. About half an hour later, Darcy exited the room and gave Ebony to Frigga. "Loki is taking me back to our home in Vanaheim…we want to move back here, so we might as well get our things." His family took the lie and Loki took her silently to the observatory, nodding silently to Heimdall. The sword was placed inside its holder to start the transportation.

"Listen to Darcy, Loki. All is not what it seems," Heimdall said, which made him look at Heimdall with a frown. If this was all some sort of dream, surely Heimdall couldn't know…

"What…" He started.

"The Reality Gem does not affect myself or your father; we are quite aware that we are a dream," Heimdall said. Loki frowned even more.

"What…" Loki said.

"We will not remember once we awaken, but the Allfather is quite content to enjoy the company of the wife and son he lost," Heimdall answered. That left him reeling; why would Odin care? "Now, go, Silvertongue." Something tightened in his chest and he didn't understand it. They were sent to Vanaheim and Darcy looked at him.

"Wow…do you believe me now?" Darcy asked. Loki shook his head.

"I'm still very confused as to what is going on…" Loki said. She dragged him towards the library and stepped towards the circles.

"So, if we think about the Reality Gem or something, maybe we can return…we'll do something to return, keep trying different things," Darcy said, making to step forward, but Loki didn't budge. She looked at him. "What are you doing?" He let her hand go and backed off.

"No…" Loki spat. Something was stirring and he didn't want to return. Whatever this true reality was, he wanted none of it. Darcy took hold of his hand and tried to pull him.

"Please?" Darcy asked.

"What about Ebony?" Loki asked. Instantly, her eyes were watering again and she swallowed, unable to stop the tears falling.

"Do you think I want to leave her? Either way, I lose, Loki. This is a dream. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live," Darcy said.

"Quoting Harry Potter? There is a time and a place―" Loki spat.

"That's just it; I don't know how long has passed in real time, but we're inside a dream, Loki. We can't stay here," Darcy said.

"Why not?" Loki said, before smiling, but it wasn't a nice smile. "Here I have everything. In reality, I have nothing. And what about you? Is your life really worth returning to? Is this not better?" Darcy looked wounded and slapped him.

"We're aware. And married. Do you really want to be married to me?" Darcy asked.

"Well, I am sure the benefits would be enjoyable," Loki said, before she slapped him again.

"I wouldn't give you any; not if you were the last man on―" Darcy started, before rolling her eyes.

"Go on, this is entertaining. We are not on Earth, so I think I have a chance," Loki said.

"In the universe. I would rather fuck a horse, but I wouldn't want to steal your boyfriend," Darcy spat. He glared at her. "See? Why live like this? Let'sgo."

"I am sure I could find a way to make us forget," Loki said. "Anything is better than reality." Darcy kicked him in the shins twice and managed to pull him onto the circle.

"NO!" Loki yelled, before darkness took over.


Loki blinked awake to find himself in a large chamber, one clearly underground. He had heard of the library having underground chambers, but he never actually confirmed it. Darcy was crouched next to the wall opposite to him and he realised they were back in reality. It hit him like a punch to the gut; his mother was dead, he was a Jotunn and he would never have such a life. He would never be accepted. Loki stood up and walked to another room.

"I need to be alone," Loki said, shutting the door behind him and walking over to a wall, sliding down it. The memories of everything wrong in his life were cascading through his mind and he put his face in his hands, hating it all and, most of all, himself. It was all his fault, at the end of the day. Maybe he should have done a better job of killing himself instead of falling off the Bifrost; even though he wasn't to know he would be rescued by a deranged titan with sadistic tendencies, he should have done something more definite. If Midgard fell, it wouldn't have been by his hand. Or whatever brought him back after Kurse's attack should have left him be. Loki didn't know when the tears had started, but he noticed when he was apparently sobbing into his hands. He wished he could rewind time; to a point before he had let the Jotunns into Asgard and just…deal with everything in a different way. Thor would be King, he would probably not have found out that he was a monster and life would have gone on the same. Which…wasn't always that good either way. People weren't as fond of him as they were of Thor. He would just be an eternal shadow. Now he was just the eternal monster, which no amount of saving Thor's life could change. Loki felt arms around him and he stiffened.

"I thought I―" Loki spoke, cursing the wobble in his voice.

"Oh, shut up, I can't leave you in here like this," Darcy said softly.

"Go," Loki said.

"No," Darcy said. Loki sniffed, trying to wipe his tears, but they kept coming.

"You should have left me. I was happy there," Loki said.

"You'd be living a lie," Darcy said.

"I have lived with lies my entire life; I think I could handle more," Loki said.

"I doubt it; if you sent a giant death ray robot down to Earth and a year later tried to destroy it, I don't think you take lies very well," Darcy said. Loki rested his face back into his hands. "Look, it's okay to cry; it's not unmanly. That's what I hate about guys; they think it's a bad thing for them to let it out like this. I think it makes you more…well, human's a kind of moot point right now, but hopefully you get what I mean. Anyway, just…talk to me, tell me what's wrong." Loki wasn't sure whether to or not; he was always particularly private with his hurts, but that hadn't done him any good in the past.

"That life…I suppose it is my ideal life. Acceptance, being part of their family by blood, being honest, a proper fighter…someone to love and eventually have children with. My father being proud of me and more attentive. Here I am just…the monster, but even if I turned back time, I would still be the strange one," Loki explained. He felt her grip tighten and even a kiss to his cheek. He looked at her for a moment before just allowing it.

"I can see why you might have gone batshit crazy. It doesn't excuse you, but it's a little more understandable," Darcy said. He felt her hand on the side of his face as she pulled him closer to her and onto her collarbone. Loki felt…he actually felt comforted by this. He lowered his knees to the floor and put his arms around her too

Loki woke sometime later and looked down at Darcy, who was sleeping against him in turn. He wondered how long they had actually been in that dream world and wondered how they would get the Reality Gem. He did hope he hadn't missed the opportunity and it had been embedded in that dream. He dreaded to think how they would get it then; would they have to live through another dreadful reality, and who knew whether that would be a dystopic one where…what? A reality in which they did not exist. He didn't want to think about what life would be like. Probably better for everyone. Midgard wouldn't have lost all those people, at least, not by his hand, Jotunheim…Asgard…Loki stared blankly ahead, barely aware of anything as he tried to process what life would be like.

"You're crying again," Darcy's voice said softly, breaking through his thoughts. He looked down at her and reached up to wipe the tears away. "What are you thinking about?"

"What life would be like if I had not been born," Loki said monotonously. He was looking away from her, unable to see the sad expression on her face.

"Loki…" Darcy murmured. There was a pause. "Do you…are you sorry for what you did on Earth, both times?" Another pause.

"Apologies do not bring back the dead," Loki said, heavily.

"No, but it's better to be sorry than be an evil bastard who would do it all again and gets some crazy ass kicks out of it," Darcy said.

"Then, yes…New Mexico was a lapse in sanity and New York…was a result in much strain on my body and mind," Loki said, feeling as if he had aged many years.

"Torture?" Darcy asked. "Considering what I saw and heard in the Mind cave, it must have been bad."

"Yes. Torture and mind control. The former allowed the latter; otherwise, my mind is normally impenetrable," Loki said.

"I'm sorry. That mustn't have been easy, and I really don't know how to comfort you. How do you comfort someone who's been hurt so much that I don't know how they're still sane," Darcy said. Loki looked at her. He looked down at her hands and reached out his hand, clasping one of hers and squeezing.

"You need not try; you already are," Loki said. Darcy stood up and faced him, taking hold of his other wrist and trying to pull him up onto his feet.

"Then, let's go. We have three more Stones to find, right? That son of a bitch Reality Gem really pissed us around and we're going to make things right," Darcy said.

"I am not sure that this is the right time to procreate," Loki smirked.

"Don't even go there," Darcy said, rolling her eyes before she pulled him along with her by the hand. "Where do you think it might be? And whereare we?"

"In the lower chambers of the library; I was not even sure they existed," Loki said.

"How did we get here?" Darcy asked.

"I assume through the library portals. Instead of taking us to some books about the Gem, it took us here and promptly deposited us into the dream," Loki explained. He looked down at their hands. "Now who is the hand holder?" He smirked.

"Shut up," Darcy said, looking around.

"You have no idea where to start, do you?" Loki asked.

"Not really; I'm not really the leader type. I follow," Darcy said. Loki took charge and led them through the labyrinthine underground of the library she had only a small glimpse at; at least, in reality. She guessed it was the same as the dream. She had to admit, though it was actually rather plain, there was something thrilling about going through these hallways. Though, she couldn't tell the difference between the corridors because it all looked the same. Loki suddenly stopped at a cross section that looked exactly the same as two others they had crossed through.

"We are getting nowhere; it is repeating itself," Loki said.

"Are you sure this place just doesn't have some very dull and repetitive routes?" Darcy asked.

"No, I can sense it with magic. It just was not clear at first," Loki replied.

"How do we get out of it?!" Darcy asked.

"I am not sure," Loki said.