From Tumblr user crabbiey:

"I have a question. Is the leader of the Skeleton Army Skulduggery Pleasant? Is he even involved, or does he just feel relieved, that he's not the only antimated sentient skeleton? Does he try to figure out why the skeletons are also animated? What if all the skeletons are like Skulduggery Pleasant? Does Skulduggery teach them the runes that let you have a face, or does he just make them all wear suits, hats, sunglasses and thick scarves?"


Well, it was a big warehouse. Valkyrie could definitely see that someone could host an army here. There were no windows, and the building was made of a metal she imagined would be used in bunkers. There was a thick set of doors with a padlock.

Skulduggery practically bounced to the doors. Valkyrie followed behind slowly, looking around.

"So," she said.

Skulduggery took out a key and began to fiddle with the lock.

"An army."

"You say that like you're doubtful."

Valkyrie shrugged. "It's just that, you know, you're sort of a terrible leader."

The chain fell to the ground, and Skulduggery swung the doors open.

She blinked. "Uh."

"Damn," Skulduggery muttered. "Hey, you there," he shouted at the skeletons, "stop trying to rip his arm off!"

"There are only three of them."

"As of right now."

The three skeletons stood in the center of the building. They were all about the same height. While Skulduggery's bones were white and clean, these skeletons had dingy, yellow bones that seemed to glisten in the faint light.

They looked a little lost, almost sulking. The skeleton who had been having his arm ripped off sat on the ground. The second skeleton wandered away. The third one swayed slightly, standing in place.

"So, what, you just… found them?"

Skulduggery nodded.

"On the side of the road?"

"Yes."

"And you just… took them here? To your warehouse?"

Skulduggery crossed his arms and observed his army. "I borrowed a van, brought them here."

Valkyrie squinted. "Is that one wearing a scarf?"

"Yes."

Valkyrie looked at him. "Why?"

"To be a part of my army, Valkyrie dear, you need to have an impeccable eye for fashion. It's the primary reason you weren't invited."

The skeleton sitting down decided to lie on the ground.

"Your fashion sense is wearing a scarf and being otherwise totally nude?"

Skulduggery's gaze shifted to his feet.

"Skulduggery?"

"They… My army took a vote."

"And the conclusion was…?"

"That they didn't want to wear any clothes." He pointed at the skeleton swaying. "Barney, there, likes the scarf. But Henry and Clyde ripped off everything and tried to attack each another with their shoes."

"Which one is Clyde?"

"That one, I think."

"You think?"

Skulduggery's shoulders sagged. "Please don't make fun of me."

Valkyrie looked at him and proceeded to laugh right in his face. "This," she gasped, "this is your army?" She hugged her stomach, tried to control herself, failed. "Skulduggery—" She broke down again, her laughs filling the warehouse.

"Yes," he said, grumpy, "I know."

"No, no, you don't." Valkyrie wiped drool from her chin, grinned at him. "You were being so cryptic about your spooky Skeleton Army. And I find out that it's literally three naked skeletons with the combined mental capacity of a two year old."

The third skeleton—probably Henry—began to attack the wall of the warehouse. Clyde jolted up from the ground, staggered up, joined Henry in the attack.

"I might have misused the word army."

"I was picturing a hoard. I was picturing, like, skeleton horses and bone javelins and I get a scarf." Her cheeks were hurting from smiling.

Skulduggery didn't answer, but he pulled the doors shut and redid the chain. He stood, facing the doors for a long minute.

"We're going to take over the world," he said softly.

Valkyrie just laughed at him.