There was a man leaning over Valkyrie's bed.

She didn't even think as her fist leapt up against the man's face.

She scrambled upright in bed, wrapping the sheets around her tightly. Valkyrie didn't believe in pajamas, but it also meant if some creep woke her up, she was naked.

The man had fallen onto the ground and was covering his face with his hands. He seemed to be trying not to cry.

"Um," Valkyrie said.

"You punched me," the creep moaned.

"You're in our house."

Valkyrie stood and edged her way around the man. She kept her eye on him as she pulled on clothing.

He didn't look like an assassin. He was much too fat for that. And he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He even had glasses.

Not that assassins couldn't have glasses, but Valkyrie guessed only really bad assassins had glasses. Assassins probably got laser eye surgery.

The creep pulled his hands away from his face. Blood trickled out of his nose. He looked at Valkyrie, in a t-shirt and shorts, blanket around her shoulders.

"Wow," he breathed.

Valkyrie walked over and put her foot on his face. She mashed his cheek into the ground.

"Who are you?"

The man flailed, slightly. "Gohd."

"What?"

"I'm God."

Valkyrie did not remove her foot. "Excuse me?"

The man looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "I'm God." He tried to smile, but the blood from his nose dripped onto his teeth.

A delusional man, then.

"How did you wander in here?" Valkyrie asked.

The man's eyebrows furrowed. "I poofed here. I'm God."

Well, that line of questioning wasn't getting anywhere.

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie called. "There's a delusional man in our house!"

The man wiggled on the ground. He reminded Valkyrie of an excited worm, or something. Could worms be excited?

Skulduggery opened Valkyrie's door. "Good morning to you, as well."

"Can worms be excited?" Valkyrie asked.

Skulduggery looked at the man on the floor. "I feel as though you should be concerned with the man on the floor. But far be it from me to rank the random circumstances and questions in your life on a scale of importance, so I supposed I'll answer your question: Worms are too stupid to feel excitement."

Valkyrie frowned. "That's rude."

"To worms?"

The man on the ground raised a feeble hand. "Excuse me?"

Valkyrie smushed her toes into his face. "Shush, creepy intruders don't get to talk until spoken to." Valkyrie looked back at Skulduggery. "Maybe worms think you're too stupid to be excited. Ever think about that?"

The man wiggled. "I didn't see you naked, if that's what you're—"

Valkyrie stepped harder on the man's face. "Shut up."

Skulduggery knelt down to the creepy man's level. "Hello there, delusional man," he said, not unkindly. "How did you manage to get by the alarms?"

"I poofed here!"

Valkyrie winced. "I, uh, forget to set the alarm."

Skulduggery looked at her.

Valkyrie held up her hands. "In my defense, it was late."

Skulduggery looked back at the creepy man. "How did you get past the guard dog?"

Valkyrie closed her eyes. "I gave Xena the week off. Alice was visiting a city, or something, and she said there are dog parks and dog boutiques and…" Valkyrie pursed her lips. "Sorry."

"For the last time, I'm God!" the man on the floor yelled.

Skulduggery nodded slowly. "Which God? One of the Faceless One's worshippers? Or a Darquesse worshipper—the god to the goddess, so to speak. A Druid god? A Teletubbie's God? Frankly, you can pick any god, because I don't really care which God you are. I'm more interested as to why you were harassing my partner."

God raised his hand again. "I can prove it."

Skulduggery tutted. "You seem to be missing the point, delusional man. I really don't care."

"No," the man said loudly, "I swear—"

Valkyrie sighed. "Gosh, what is it with dudes and breaking into my room?"

"Skulduggery, you love Zootopia!" the man yelled again.

Valkyrie laughed.

Skulduggery did not.

Skulduggery stood. "He is God."

Valkyrie frowned. "What?"

Skulduggery carefully smoothed his shirt down. "You are currently standing on God's face."

"No, not that—you love Zootopia?" Valkyrie grinned. "I knew you related to Nick. You did, didn't you? And how can you not love Judy?"

Skulduggery looked at her for one long second. "I suggest you stop standing on God's face before he decides to smite you."

Valkyrie opened her mouth.

"And to stop talking about Zootopia before I smite you."

Valkyrie removed her foot from God's face.

God slowly picked himself up. He fixed his hair and glasses. He took a moment to compose himself.

Skulduggery finally broke. "Valkyrie, stop grinning at me."

God held out his hand. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you both."

Valkyrie—as a rule—didn't shake hands of men who broke into her room. Skulduggery hunched his shoulders.

"I don't," Skulduggery said, "shake the hands of men who reveal my biggest secrets."

God's fingers practically withered into his hands. He didn't let this deter him.

"Well," God said, clapping his hands together, "I have a question I want to ask you both. Now, I've traveled a long way to ask you both—"

"Can we get on with it?" Skulduggery interrupted.

Valkyrie shook her head. "See? You've made him angry. You couldn't pick something a little better, like, his greatest fear or something? The last meal he ate? His hair color?"

God was distressed. "How would you two like to save the world again? Go on more adventures?"

A chill ran down Valkyrie's spine. "We go on plenty of adventures. Just last week, I punched at least five people."

"Six," Skulduggery corrected.

God waved their words away. "Can you imagine? Another boo—another year or month or week of action and adventure?! The Earth, on the brink of collapsing, when you—"

Valkyrie's throat tightened. Her hands were shaking, and she stilled them. "Another war?"

Skulduggery nodded. "Maybe kill a few more of our friends?"

God wilted. "But you two like adventure!"

"We like solving mysteries," Skulduggery said, voice still sharp. "It's been nice. We've saved up some money, tidied up after the last war, protected people. It's been busy and not horrifically trauma inducing. We save the world because we have to, because we put the pieces together."

Valkyrie closed her eyes. "Because we're the ones who were about to destroy it."

God coughed. "It will be better this time," he said lamely.

When Valkyrie opened her eyes, God was gone.


[ woo ]