The rain had stopped. Sakura was holding her umbrella under her arm, throwing furtive glances at Kakashi who sauntered next to her, his heavy rain cloak over his arm. She would have liked to take his hand or at least touch it, but he was looking straight ahead, making it quite clear that he wanted no such thing. He looked slightly different to her tonight, maybe because of the grey Anbu flak jacket he was wearing? Because his hair was still wet and flattened? Because he wasn't wearing a headband? Or because she had seen the face underneath the mask?
Or because… because they had slept together.
The recent memory made her squeal inside. It was mortifying and exciting at the same time. She wanted to go hide in a hole and yet shout it from the rooftops. She knew she had done very badly and yet felt like she'd never done anything better.
Maybe it was just the silly, inexperienced her who thought the intimacy they had shared changed everything between them. It probably meant far less to someone like him. Someone… so popular with women. Someone with so much confidence. Not once in all the time she had known him had he hesitated. In every situation, however difficult, he had known exactly what had to be done and had followed through.
And now he had told her no more - and clearly meant it. It wasn't that she didn't understand the difficult spot her advances put him in. But that didn't change the fact that all she was thinking was when can we do it again?, because it was so clear to her that they were not in the least done. His mere presence next to her made her chakra churn faster and her nerves tingle. But what was it she wanted from him?
Comfort, was the first answer popping into her head.
Like nobody else, he made her feel good. About herself, about the world. He made her forget her fears, her woes. And maybe most importantly, he could make her forget Sasuke and the mess she was in with him. A child with that woman? Goddammit, it was like the worst kind of nightmare. Would she be able to stay calm when the village started to buzz with the news? Everybody knew how stubbornly she had pursued the Uchiha without giving a second thought to her dignity. Having this happen now… it was so, so embarrassing!
But taking such comfort was also the most selfish thing she had ever done to anybody, when Kakashi wasn't and couldn't be feeling the same. When his situation was ten thousand times more difficult than hers right now, with everybody breathing down his neck and him finding himself under suspicion for something someone like him would never do.
Helping him get his memory back was what she could do for him. She wasn't going to allow herself to expect something in return.
"Come on in," she said at the door to her apartment and smiled bravely.
He nodded though without really looking at her and put his coat on a hook. After a brief moment of hesitation, he shrugged out of the flack jacket too and took off his boots.
She would not let herself be distracted by the sleeveless shirt or those shapely, muscular arms. But she did turn her head to check for the blood seal, finding it hidden once more. He followed her eyes to his own arm.
"Kakashi," she ventured to address the topic, "Kabuto said a few things to me about the seal that…"
His eyebrows contracted angrily.
"I don't believe a single word he says," she assured him quickly. "But… should I maybe take a closer look at your arm? I mean… not now! Tomorrow at the hospital for example. I also… I still have those pills Tsunade gave me for you in my purse and I thought… those, too, I should maybe analyze them?"
Kakashi nodded. "Yes. Why not."
"I hope there is no danger anymore? With that seal… the last time…" the mere memory made her shudder.
Kakashi looked at his arm again. "You removed it, didn't you?"
"He said it's back," Sakura said softly. "He also said… that you willingly participated in…"
"I thought you don't believe him?" Kakashi said sharply, lifting his head. His eyes were guarded, but she still saw the sea of hurt behind them. She thought that it had to be because of Tsunade. She had had him tortured after all, when Kakashi had done so much for all of them.
"I don't," she said, "but I have to take what he said seriously because it concerns your life."
"He told me the tattoo seals blood. Uchiha blood to be precise. And that I need it to survive because the use of the Mangekyo Sharingan… two Mangekyō Sharingans changes the cell structure of the body."
"What?" Sakura said dumbfounded. "Why haven't you told me that before?"
Kakashi laughed, short and bitter. "When exactly should I have told you? When you sneaked into my room? When we made love? When you disappeared while I was sleeping because your love rival turned up with a child in tow?"
Ouch. He frowned at the wall above her head.
"Sorry," he added more softly a few minutes later, shifting his eyes to hers reluctantly. "I didn't… I didn't want to be this vicious. I… I find it hard..."
"It's okay," she said though she felt awful. "Do you know what it means?"
"No, I don't," Kakashi said, "I have no clue and it's driving me crazy. Kabuto says I knew about it? Yes, I probably knew about it. But to think I participated in some experiment to get a Sharingan back… telling nobody about it… it… it scares me."
He looked lost and hurt and vulnerable as he stood there in the entrance to her borrowed apartment, like the little boy she had saved from the underground training facility.
I'm going to hug him, Sakura thought, I don't care what he said. He can push me away if he doesn't appreciate it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and stepped forward to sling her arms firmly around him.
His reaction was not what she had expected. Instead of stiffening up or pushing her away, his body sagged against hers like he had suddenly lost all strength, as if her offer for support was exactly what he needed. Kakashi buried his face against the side of her neck, his own arms tightening around her like he was drowning and hanging on for life.
Maybe she could give a bit of comfort too after all. Maybe it was okay if they just gave comfort to each other. Good friends could hug, right? It was just about managing expectations.
"Hey, don't worry," she whispered, "we will figure this out, okay?"
"I… I am sorry," he breathed and let go of her so suddenly, she almost fell back against the wall.
What was he even apologizing for? Slightly shaking her head in confusion, Sakura looked at him with her head cocked to the side. What she saw in his eyes was not rejection. It was… remorse.
Hm. Maybe he did know how to lie after all?
But before she could decide what to say, his stomach growled loudly. His hands came up to his middle as if that could hide the tell-tale sign of hunger. He had probably not eaten at all since his return to Konoha, Sakura suspected. Those damn Anbu were not doing a good job looking after him at all!
"To the kitchen!" she ordered him sternly, before he could even pretend he wasn't hungry.
"I really do not want to be a bur..."
"You are no burden," Sakura said, glancing back to make sure he was following her. "Luckily, I went to visit my parents a few days ago and my fridge is full of dishes my mother cooked for me."
"I cannot eat your mo…"
"Yes, you can eat it and you will," Sakura interrupted him, glaring authoritatively. "Sit down."
She indicated one of the chairs at the kitchen table. The Hokage Tower apartments were an aesthetic mixture of traditional and modern interior design, apart from the kitchen which was fully modern. Just like in her old kitchen, there was a table there for quick, informal meals. Kakashi sat down obediently and looked at her, as if waiting for further instructions.
Him and her in a kitchen like this… It was altogether different now but it still reminded her of that first night. The horrors of it… but also the rooftop.
It had happened on that rooftop, hadn't it.
"I'm so glad you have come back into my life," she blurted out and didn't even blush since it was a truth she felt comfortable with.
He looked discomforted though, but she didn't think it was because he was put off by her words. He looked shy, as if he didn't quite know how to deal with it. And that was actually it, she realized with sudden certainty. He had said I cannot deal with you comparing me to Sasuke before he had said that's how far this will ever go.
Sakura had learned to listen to people in her profession because very often, people's choice of words revealed something about their state of mind unconsciously.
She had been wrong to assume Kakashi was telling her her advances were a nuisance. He was flustered. And unsure.
He was also very, very tired, and that explained part of his confusion, she decided as she watched him from the corner of her eye as she pulled several dishes from the fridge. There was no way she would let him perform any jutsu on her tonight. This man had to sleep. For many hours.
"Here we go," she said, spreading all the food out in front of him and putting chopsticks into his hand. "No rice though unless you want to wait until it's cooked."
"This is plenty, thank you so much," Kakashi answered.
It was nice to see he had given up resistance already, his hunger was obviously getting the better of him. Knowing she could always get more from her mother if she asked, Sakura took pleasure in seeing him eat with an appetite worthy of a wolf. And all of this happened without his mask - he had removed it without a moment of hesitation. It made her very happy.
"Are they starving you in that horrid Anbu?" she asked.
"I get very hungry after chakra depletion," he answered, chewing.
"There was nothing in the fridge and only a bit of fruit in that kitchen," she complained.
"We eat food pills," Kakashi shrugged, "and supplements."
"What does it take to make you leave the Anbu?" Sakura didn't care about his sensitivities regarding his private life right now. She felt her anger grow at the sight of him eating like he had never eaten before in his life.
"Why should I leave the Anbu?" Kakashi murmured.
"Because they're not treating you right?" she shot back. "And because it's dangerous?"
"I'm needed there," he said matter-of-factly.
"Why do you not want to be Hokage? I know you've been offered the position several times!"
Kakashi didn't answer straight away. Chewing slowly on a pickled cucumber, he seemed to think. "I'm not Hokage material," he then said.
"That is utter bullshit and you know it."
His eyebrows moved up.
"Blunt honesty, remember?" Sakura smiled at him overly sweet. "You're probably thinking you're not worthy of it because of your past. You're probably thinking that taking care of an entire village is too much of a responsibility. But that's just an excuse."
"Hey, that's enough," Kakashi said and frowned.
"You don't like other people to come too close to you," Sakura observed, not done by far with speaking some truth, "because you're afraid of losing them, like you lost your friends. If you were to become Hokage, you'd have to let everybody close. A Hokage is there for each and every human being in his village. Loved by everyone and loving everyone equally."
"Maybe I'm just not that loving," Kakashi murmured.
"I got a distinctly different impression of you," Sakura said.
Their eyes locked. It felt like time stood still. A frozen moment during which both held their breaths and exhaled at the exact same time, after which her heart began hammering in her chest and her stomach did somersaults. A moment that brought confirmation and yet solved nothing. It wasn't true he wasn't affected! It wasn't true he didn't think things had changed between them. But… he had still drawn a line that she had to accept - even if she didn't want to.
"You must be thirsty," Sakura said with a shaking voice because now it was her who couldn't quite deal with what his eyes told her.
She was going to do something he would probably not easily forgive. But he was too tired, so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Slipping the sleeping powder into the glass of water unseen was easy. Getting him to the bedroom afterwards less so because he kept falling asleep standing up.
She tucked him in carefully after pulling his maks up and bent down to put a light kiss on his forehead.
"Sleep tight," she said. "Don't worry about a thing."
She switched off the lights and went outside to spend the night on the sofa.
"Don't move so much," Rin said and pressed her hands against his shoulder to stop the bleeding.
"Ungh," Kakashi groaned. Did wounds always hurt the same or would there come a time when he'd get used to the pain?
"Stop being so reckless," Rin chided him, starting to mend the wound with chakra. "What if I'm not around to patch you up?"
"Why wouldn't you be?" he asked, stealing a look at her scrunched up face. She was by far the cutest when she concentrated on healing like this. There was a fine line forming between her brows, almost like an exclamation mark, it was fascinating.
Kakashi quickly looked away before he could get caught staring.
"I'm beginning to think you get injured just for the attention," Obito scoffed somewhere to the side and threw a log into the fire so that sparks erupted into the air. "Maybe I should try it too?"
"Don't you dare!" Rin snapped at him. "One of you guys putting his life on the line is more than enough."
"I cut my finger when collecting firewood," Obito mused, "can you have a look at it later?"
"You can't be serious!" Rin sighed. "Kakashi almost had his arm slashed off!"
Maybe I should trip him tomorrow, Kakashi thought, watching his friend's moody face, so that he hurts his wrist. Not too badly, but so that Rin needs to look at it. His pining is ridiculous, maybe it'll make him stop for a while.
"Done," Rin said and smiled at him sweetly, sending an extra gentle wave of healing chakra into him at the end. It made him feel like he was floating on clouds for a moment.
"Thank you," he murmured gruffly, suppressing his urge to extend his hand and interlink fingers with her.
"I'd rather not see you hurt," she replied softly. "Be gentle to your body. You've only got the one, right?"
"Pah!" Obito said angrily, "in a few years, they can make as many bodies of any sort as they want. He won't even need your healing powers anymore then."
"No, they can't do that!" Rin answered fervidly, "don't talk about things you don't understand."
"I do know about it! They take children from the orphanage for experiments. There was one who lost a leg and he came back with two working ones!"
"My mother works at the orphanage," Rin said angrily, "she would never condone such an evil thing."
"There are ways to do things behind people's back," Obito murmured, but he clearly didn't want an argument.
The thing with Obito was that despite the rivalry that the Uchiha insisted on having with him, Kakashi genuinely liked the guy. He was like his alter ego. On the lazy side, carefree, always emotional, righteous, loving. But also extremely loyal. Despite the harsh words often spoken between them, Kakashi would not hesitate to put his life on the line for him and was certain Obito would do the same for him.
But there was the thing with Rin now.
Obito liked her. And he was pretty serious about it. He made no secret out of it, he always wore his heart on his sleeve. Unfortunately, Rin didn't seem to have any mutual feelings. She often got annoyed with Obito and the more annoyed she got, the more he tried to get her attention, which made her more annoyed etc. etc.
The situation made Kakashi uncomfortable, especially the fact that Rin was giving him the attention Obito wanted so desperately. He had even considered speaking to Minato Sensei about it but he just couldn't bring himself to - how did one even talk about such things? It wasn't like he didn't like her attention. Only a fool wouldn't feel flattered by the attention of such a kind, smart, and talented girl.
This distraction. It was a dangerous thing for a shinobi. Keeping her away from him as far possible was the best way forward. Which probably meant not getting injured anymore. Because at the moment, she was near… she was very near. Distraction. So much distraction.
"Maybe I have a grudge," she whispered into his ear. "Maybe I just cannot stay away. Because it gives me the biggest satisfaction to see someone normally so powerful so helpless."
Kakashi tried to turn his head, but his body was heavy and immobile, held down by chakra suppressing chains of the strongest kind. He was lying on some hard surface in what seemed to be a large room. Or a cave? It seemed familiar in the way places sometimes are before you realize you've dreamt about them.
"Rin?" Kakashi said, feeling mounting confusion. "Where is this? What are you… aren't you..."
"Don't call me by that name," Rin-not-Rin said angrily.
A bright light was shone into his eyes, hurting him. Kakashi closed them, seeing a curtain of red.
"You know my Mangekyō Sharingan awakened after… after…" he could not say it.
"This time, I will make sure you cannot run away before I'm done with you," Rin chuckled. "And I won't be done for a while."
Medical nins were skilled with scalpels. So was she.
No, one never got used to pain. In fact, it only got worse each time. The body had a special memory when it came to pain and triggering that… only professionals knew how to do it. The best torturers were indeed medical nin, if they could be convinced to use their skills not to save lives but to take them.
"There is one thing I do not understand about you," Rin said some time later, sharpening her knives on some grindstone she had pulled from her sleeve. She paused to wait for suggestions from him what that "one thing" could be, but he was too exhausted to think straight.
"How did you manage to live on?" she finally asked, sounding impatient. "How did you manage to fall in love again? Don't you know? Don't you know that everybody you care for ends up dead? It's inevitable."
Sakura, Kakashi thought with a twinge of panic, but this was not a place she had access to. Thank god she is safe.
"You're not Rin," he pressed out.
"I am and I am not," the woman said. "Sweetie, don't even try. You won't remember. I made sure of it."
Remember, I must remember, Kakashi thought, I need to… the images began to burst one after the other like soap bubbles, this one! This one! He caught one in his hand and put it into his kunai pouch.
"Sakura…," he murmured, "I think…"
The sound of his own voice woke him up. What the...
Kakashi shot up. Sunlight came flooding in through the window. What time was it? And… what day? Why was he… in… Hokage Tower?
"Sakura?" he asked into the quiet room. No answer. His senses told him he was alone, but for some Anbu guards somewhere outside.
"Goddammit," he cursed.
Getting up was hard. His legs felt like rubber sticks and his head was heavy like a slab of stone.
"Goddammit," he said again, this time with more emphasis.
Sakura had left a note for him on the kitchen table. "Kakashi," it said. "I am very sorry for giving you a sleeping potion, but you needed sleep more than anything. I am at the hospital. Sasuke has woken up. There's more food in the fridge, please eat as much as you want."
He grabbed his flack jacket and his boots and left as fast as he possibly could.
It took him too long to get to his apartment but at least he eventually made it.
"Karin?" he asked at the door. But he knew already, didn't he. Karin was gone. Only two frightened Uchiha eyes looked at him from underneath the blankets.
"You can come out, Sarada," Kakashi said, trying to make his voice gentle, "I will protect you until we can find your mother again."
Protect her? Kakashi wanted to laugh at himself. Had he not learned never to make that promise again? Dream-Rin had spoken the truth. However hard he tried, he couldn't protect people he cared for. Death and destruction. This world held only this for people like him.
