Chapter 21 - Look at Me

"Sasuke? Sasuke! Can you hear me? Please say something!"

It was strange and a bit frightening, his eyes were open and glittering in the artificial light, but he didn't give any indication that he recognized her nor had he moved a finger. But the eyes were tracking her across the room as Sakura busied herself with taking down the healing dome and checking the status of his fractures. She went over both legs twice, to make sure she had not made a mistake the first time. She also checked his spine again thoroughly, but there was no damage. Maybe he was just too tired to move? At least she could be certain it was not because he was paralyzed.

Sasuke had woken up much earlier than she would have thought possible. His bones were mending well though, there was no need to worry. So why did she? He would be fine, she and Tsunade had done their best - which was a lot. If she weren't so insecure all the time, Sakura would perhaps be able to admit to herself more often that she was a very good doctor. People even came from far away places to get treatment from her occasionally. But Sakura had enough self-awareness to know about her severe, almost crippling insecurities... that would flare up the strongest around Sasuke.

Strange that she would realize this now, when he was lying before her immobile and weak, still paler than normal and certainly not looking in the least handsome in his hospital gown.

Sakura had always known that ultimately, nobody was good enough for him. The Uchihas were not like other Shinobi. Their abilities were god-like and they had chosen to keep to themselves because of it. Sakura had read that they had strictly forbidden inter-marriage in the early clan history and had later adhered to that rule voluntarily. She guessed it had been part arrogance, part caution: Their special bloodline was coveted and at the same time greatly feared. Fear made humans do horrible things, just like hatred did. To this day, the barred entrance to the increasingly run-down Uchiha compound was a sad reminder of what had happened to Konoha's mightiest clan.

It was a strange thing that despite of knowing all this, she who was from a nobody-clan had had the determination to pursue Sasuke over so many years until he had finally looked at her. Had looked at her and had seen her. Which was what she had always wanted, but now it dawned on her that a considerable part of her had enjoyed the hunt more than the result.

She would probably feel guilty later for thinking this, but she could not stop herself: Ever since she had gotten what she had always thought was her ultimate goal, she had grown more unsure about what it was that she really wanted. Was she ready to keep giving him her everything even though he was unable to give her back even a fraction of the same? It seemed that was no longer the case.

"Oh, Sasuke," she sighed. It hurt.

The yearning for something she couldn't have had stopped when she had gotten it. All she felt now was resentment, shame and anger. She wanted to shout at him and shake him and beat him up until he was begging her to stop. When… when had he gone out and fathered a child with another woman? It could have been right before they had gotten married, it could have been after… she couldn't know for sure how deep the hulimilation went. She would have to ask him, but she did not want to ever talk about such a betrayal.

She felt like the child again the other children had ridiculed for having a large forehead. It hurt in a special place reserved for the sneaking poison that eroded her self-esteem to zero.

Not good enough.

She was not good enough for him, had never been and would never be. He had gone and slept with another woman because of that. Was she really surprised? No. It must have been much more enjoyable than with her. How close had he and Karin been back when they had been Akatsuki teammates? Had they slept together regularly? It was likely. Sasuke had never talked to her about those times he had spent away from Konoha, and she had never felt comfortable to ask. Dark times. Dark times that were best forgotten, she had always thought. But maybe they could not be forgotten.

Battling bitter tears, Sakura hurried over to the medicine cabinet to keep herself occupied. Sasuke had to be in pain, so she was going to choose one of the more potent pain killers. But before putting a pill into his mouth, she hesitated. This medication was likely to knock him out again. Tsunade was sure to have questions. Sasuke would be able to tell them what had happened after that machine had snatched Kakashi away! Sakura hoped it would finally put an end to Tsunade's suspicion that kept flaring up these days and made Kakashi's life so hard.

Thinking of Kakashi calmed her down a little. Kakashi would know what to do. He would help her. And he would say nice things to her that gave her emotional boosts. Maybe he had already woken up and was on his way here? She would like that.

Almost as if on cue, quick steps outside the intensive care unit made Sakura perk up in excitement, but it was just Tsunade and Shizune barging in with expectant faces.

"Sakura!" The Hokage said. "I got word. How is he?"

"He's doing well, Shishou!" Sakura answered, swallowing down her disappointment. "But he hasn't said anything since waking up."

"Oh?" Tsunade said and bent down to examine Sasuke herself. "Mending well indeed," she confirmed after a bit. "Sasuke? We have questions for you."

At least she was considerate enough not to bring Ibiki straight away, Sakura thought.

"Is this a Genjutsu?" Sasuke said coldly.

Sakura stared at him, feeling a sinking feeling of despair. Fully capable of speech. So he had just chosen not to answer her before?

"Why would it be?" Tsunade frowned at him.

But Sasuke didn't trust them, apparently. He activated his Sharingan, most likely to check whether what Tsunade had told him was true. When the Uchiha eyes swept over Sakura, she shuddered.

"Satisfied?" Tsunade asked after his eyes had returned back to their normal black state.

"No," Sasuke replied. "What am I doing here?"

"You're at the hospital," Tsunade explained patiently enough, but Sakura saw how her eyebrows moved together a fraction in irritation. "You went on a mission with Kakashi, Kabuto and others and you were ambushed. Apparently, you followed Kakashi when he was snatched away by the enemy and in the process…"

"Kakashi?" Sasuke asked. Sakura did not like the tone of his voice at all. "Why would I follow Kakashi? You are lying."

"Dammit," Tsunade cursed, "you better stop this charade, Sasuke, or I will have to go get the pros."

"Do what you must," he replied with dignity. "Who removed my arm? Did you want to prevent me from doing jutsu?"

What? Sakura gasped for air.

"What is the last thing you remember?" she heard herself say in the tone of a professional, but her head was reeling.

"Get Kakashi here immediately," Tsunade hissed at Shizune next to her. "We have a problem. He was last seen entering the Hokage Tower."

"Sakura," Sasuke said to her, his eyes angry slits. "I've always hated it when you pretended to be capable when all you really want is hang around me and be annoying. Get lost."

Once, her ears had been so accustomed to his insults, they had simply filtered out all the unpleasant stuff he said to her. She had believed that it was just a shell for her to crack, that beneath it must be a heart of gold.

Now, his words hit her worse than a deadly jutsu.

The hate was back. Progress had been slow, but Sakura had really started to believe Sasuke Uchiha could leave the darkness behind. So many people had believed in him. So many were still trying to help him to this day.

What if there really was no hope at all?

###

"Do your feet still hurt?" Kakashi asked the child next to him. Her hair was a mess, but he did not think the girl would appreciate him trying to get some order into it with no comb at hand.

Sarada shook her head. She was clearly lying though, limping pitifully. Kakashi slowed down to a snail's pace to accommodate her, thinking it would take them all day to get to the Hokage Tower like this, but so be it! The girl's shoes looked worn and her clothes were rumpled and dirty. They would have to organize clothes for her, shoes, and other things girls her age needed. Toys maybe?

"This village is called Konoha," he told her. "I grew up here. What is your village called?"

But Sanada just looked down at the street with haunted eyes, her shoulders hunched together as if she feared an attack out of the blue. Nice try, creepy uncle! Maybe it wasn't quite the time yet to pry information out of her.

There weren't many people on the streets, but the ones who were looked at the pair of them like their heads were about to explode from the sight. Kakashi grinned. Him walking around in Konoha with an unknown child in tow… the town would be abuzz with gossip soon. Whom would they assume the mother was? He had to think of a good story to spread. Something tragic!

Sarada's slow, labored steps killed the smile quickly though. The child must be hungry, Kakashi thought. But she would probably deny it or not answer at all if asked.

"I am starving," he exclaimed. "Maybe I want to eat ramen?"

No visible reaction. Hmm… what might she like? The only child he had ever come in close contact with was Asuma's child Mirai, but that had been ages ago. What had Kurenai served them back then when they had visited? Some bread thing… Ah.

"No, I think I want to eat… milk buns?" he tried his luck again. Sarada shifted her eyes to look at him, though dropped them again immediately.

"You can come too, there's a shop right there," he pointed at it with his finger. Actually, he didn't like milk buns, they were way too sweet for his taste. But the most important thing was to get this poor child to eat something and if milk buns did the trick, he would not hesitate to eat them too.

Kakashi pushed open the door and greeted the gawking owner like it was the most normal thing in the world that he would walk around with a small child that nobody knew and ordered three buns with sugar coating. Nudging them in the child's direction discreetly, he looked away to give her some privacy and… gone were the buns in a blink.

"Good?" he grinned at her. "You want more?"

Sarada nodded shily. Kakashi quickly ordered two more, before she could change her mind. Did children drink tea? He ordered the chilled green tea that he liked the best, hers with a bit of sugar. Yes… that, too, was gone within seconds.

Maybe it wasn't that hard to take care of a little girl after all? Kakashi felt quite accomplished. But the next moment, her face became distinctly unhappy again.

"More?" he asked with a frown.

Sarada shook her head. Was he supposed to guess what the problem was? Wasn't the added benefit of bigger children their ability to form words? Hmmm… Oh. If it wasn't hunger or thirst, was it…

"Toilet?" he asked.

Sarada nodded, looking ready to burst into tears.

"That's no problem," Kakashi assured her. "Shop owner! Can I trouble you for a moment?" he asked. "The girl needs to use a toilet."

"Of course, of course!" the owner said. "You can come with me young lady, it's at the back. I will show you."

A few minutes later, when the shop owner reappeared without the child, Kakashi jumped up feeling like the biggest fool. What if it had just been a diversion and the girl had made a run for it?!

"She's still in there," the owner smiled at him. "Seems to be bigger business."

Ah, no wonder the girl had been discomforted. Kakashi relaxed. "What do I owe you?" he asked, searching his pockets for coins.

"Nothing," the shop owner replied. "It's on the house."

Kakashi sighed. That again. He was beginning to feel guilty about mooching off the entire village. Which was probably the whole point of Tsunade's scheme. Did she think he would cave under sustained pressure? She underestimated his stubbornness. The more she pressured him, the more he would resist.

"The girl's mother is…?"

"So very tragic," Kakashi sighed. "Such a beautiful woman! I met her in the Land of Waves. But she was born with a rare disease and doomed to die early. I couldn't save her."

"Oh!" the shop owner sighed, throwing him a pitiful look, "how tragic."

Kakashi nodded, just about to add some more details when someone shouted "Kakashi-san! Finally!" like seeing him was the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Shizune!" he greeted her after turning around.

"I searched for you all over town," Lady Tsunade's aide panted, "the Hokage wants to see you immediately."

"Is there a problem?" Kakashi asked, though he knew of at least five problems off the top of his head, all of them involving him.

Shizune nodded gloomily. "You must come to the hospital quickly."

"Sasuke?" now he felt worried. Was Sakura alright?

Shizune nodded again, throwing a quick glance towards the shop owner whose ears had almost grown visibly larger.

"Just a moment," Kakashi told Shizune, "I'm waiting for someone."

"Who?" Shizune looked around impatiently.

The sound of small feet from the back of the shop made Kakashi smile. "Her. Shizune, meet Sarada! Sarada, this lady takes care of a pet piglet named Tonton. When we get to the hospital, she will let you play with her!"

Sarada's frightened eyes grew curious. Then, she looked at him questioningly.

"We need to go to the hospital to see the Lady Hokage," Kakashi explained to her, lowering himself down so their eyes were level. "She is a very beautiful lady, very powerful. You have nothing to fear from her, I promise. Do you want to ride on my back again? I fear she will get angry at me if we do not hurry."

Sarada nodded.

"Good," he said. "On you go!" and he turned around for her to climb on his back. The small, warm arms came around his neck and held on tightly. It moved him, the trust this child had in him, when nothing in the world could assure her that he would not betray her the next moment.

###

Waiting for Kakashi was nothing out of the ordinary. But today, it was way more agonizing than ever before.

Sakura wanted to be elsewhere. Preferably with him. Far away from everybody else. Every second she had to spend in the same room with Sasuke made her more nauseous. How could he be this mean to her after everything?

Tsunade had quizzed him about his memories, but it seemed Sasuke had recovered most of them by now. Or was he lying? His answers were vague, it seemed to Sakura he was just telling them what he guessed they wanted to know. He completely ignored her as if she were thin air to him. And there was something about him again that reminded her of that time… that time he had been about to kill her. His eyes… haunted and devoid of anything that could be called human.

But when Kakashi finally arrived, things got even worse.

"What have you cooked up now?" Tsunade sighed at the sight of Kakashi entering the room with Sarada on his back. They had forgotten to inform the Hokage about the nightly visitor, Sakura realized. But why had Kakashi thought it necessary to bring the child here?

"It's an Uchiha," Sakura said sourly, throwing Sasuke a dark look. If he had heard her, he didn't react.

"Excuse me?" Tsunade asked, turning her head to stare at her like she had just said something completely ridiculous.

Kakashi put the child down carefully and the girl quickly hid behind him as soon as Tsunade turned to them.

"Well," Kakashi said slowly, "Hokage-sama, we cannot know with certainty yet. We shouldn't jump to…"

"We have to test her right now," Sakura interrupted him.

"You shouldn't spook her any further," Kakashi frowned at her, "she's extremely frightened."

"Where's Karin?" Sakura demanded to know. It irked her that Kakashi was protecting this offspring as if it had anything to do with him.

"Gone," he snapped. "Thanks to somebody giving somebody else a sleeping potion."

What? Shit. Sakura felt how her head suddenly got much too light. She had to sit down.

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi said formally, "reporting. Last night, the woman we know as Karin appeared at our gates, demanding to see Sasuke Uchiha and upon learning he was inconvenienced, me. It was past midnight so I brought them to my apartment. This morning when I went to check, Karin was gone. She left her daughter Sarada behind, for us to take care of her and protect her from the enemy."

"You make no sense at all," Tsunade frowned. "Karin? That red-head that gave Ibiki trouble many years ago? What does she… ohhhhhhhh."

Sakura was glad she was sitting down because the look that Tsunade threw her upon putting the pieces together was exactly what she had been expecting to get from the villagers soon. It was too humiliating. She wanted to die.

"An Uchiha?" Tsunade murmured. "That makes her an extremely valuable person. What are her abilities?"

"I do not know," Kakashi said, "please do not talk about her like she doesn't understand you. There will be ample time to see what her abilities are."

"We will test her," Tsunade said and signalled to Shizune to prep the utensils.

"No!" Kakashi protested but Tsunade gave him one of her worst death stares until he looked down.

"And you know that Karin woman how?" she barked, making the child flinch and cover her ears in fright.

"Well…," Kakashi sighed dramatically.

"Oh, get lost!" Tsunade snapped. "You still haven't gotten your memories back? Sasuke here recovered his pretty quickly. At least most of them. He said he found you in some underground compound and when he dragged you out, he stepped into a trap."

"He did?" Kakashi said and craned his neck to look at Sasuke. "Despite the Sharingan?"

"Overuse," Tsunade explained. "He said his eyes hurt."

"But he has the eternal Mangekyo Sharingan," Kakashi said. "There are no side-effects."

Tsunade shrugged. "He also backed your story, saying it's impossible you got a Mangekyo Sharingan back, since it's… well, impossible without being an Uchiha."

"I hope that'll put an end to this 'let's all trust Kabuto'-phase?" Kakashi snorted. But Sakura saw it clearly, he himself was unsure what to make of Sasuke's statements.

"He will be interrogated again," Tsunade nodded. "And now, step aside!"

Not waiting for Kakashi to comply, she simply shouldered the shinobi aside.

"Child," she addressed a pale Sarada, "I will need to prick your finger to take some blood out. It will hurt a bit, but we will put a band-aid on and you will forget in no time!"

"Afterwards, you can play with Tonton, the pig," Kakashi smiled at Sarada and ruffled the girl's hair. "Would you like that?"

The girl looked up at him and nodded.

Sakura felt a pang of jealousy so strong, she almost had to laugh at herself. Ridiculous! This was a child, one clearly in need of much attention and even more affection. But Kakashi had not looked in her direction even once after their short, unpleasant exchange.

Murmuring some excuse under her breath, she quickly left the room and ran to the restroom to lock herself in. She didn't want anybody to see her tears.

###

Kakashi felt himself nod off again, his eyes inevitably closing, his head falling forward. He was still feeling much drowsiness from the sleeping potion Sakura had given him and was considering stretching out on the floor and going to sleep for a while.

But he felt Sakura's presence somewhere near, lingering and hesitant. She probably thought he was angry with her, the way he had talked to her. But how could he be when she was going through such a difficult time? Seeing Sarada in the same room with Sasuke was sufficient proof even without a genetic test… They were spitting images of each other.

"Sakura?" he yawned, opening his eyes. "Is that you?"

Her pink hair appeared from around a corner. She had been crying but was trying to hide it, her nose was red and so were her ears, telltale signs he knew surprisingly well.

"Come here," he said and patted the seat next to his. "Are the test results out?"

"Not yet," she said in a small voice. "It takes a few hours. Are you angry with me? I know I shouldn't have given you a sleeping potion without your consent..."

"No," Kakashi shook his head, "I'm not angry much. I have to congratulate you on drugging me so successfully. I should normally be able to detect substances in my food… or was it the water?"

She nodded and sat down, turning her miserable face in his direction. Water started pooling in her large, beautiful eyes again.

"Hey," he said, his heart contracting, "it's going to be okay."

"No," she said, suppressing a sob, "it's not going to be okay. Nothing is okay."

Before he could stop himself, he had bent over and planted a kiss on her quivering lips. And because he had no self-control at all, he followed it up by a second, longer one when she didn't pull back. No self-control and no principles either, breaking his own rules the first moment a chance presented itself, but… heck, stupid rules could be broken, especially if they were one's own. How could he not kiss her when she looked like that?

After a few moments of surprise, Sakura began kissing him back with a desperation that took his breath away. Okay, he hadn't thought this through. Making out in a hospital corridor? With the husband behind the door to the left, a little lost girl playing with a piglet somewhere straight ahead and their Boss behind the door to the right? It was extremely naughty and he liked it a lot, but…

"Sakura…," he began when coming up for air, "I think we shouldn't…"

"I need you to come to my office," she said. "Right now."

She took his hand and dragged him along with her, Shinobi speed. Up the stairs, down another corridor, into a room he was familiar with. Bang went the door behind them.

"You said you wanted to look at me," Sakura said, battling tears again. "Please have a look at me."

"I'm looking," Kakashi replied. "I'm always looking at you when you're near."

"Like this. I want you to look when I'm like this," Sakura said, taking off her doctor's gown, pulling her shirt over her head, taking off her bra, her shoes, her socks, her pants, her underpants.

And Kakashi looked. At her strutting breast with the pinkish small nipples, her waist, her belly button. At the tiny patch of hair between her legs. At the shape of her thighs, her knees, her shins, her cute feet. At her reddening, determined face, her tongue that darted out to lick her lips nervously. At her arms that were twitching as if they wanted to cover her nakedness. At her flawless skin.

"Heavens, woman," he exhaled. "Is looking all I'm allowed to do?"

"What… what do you see?" she squeaked.

"Perfection," he breathed and had to wet his lips as well, "flawless perfection. You are… gorgeous."

"How… how gorgeous in comparison…?"

"The most beautiful woman I have ever seen," Kakashi said without a moment of hesitation. "The bravest, most capable, most desirable woman in all the Shinobi lands."

Sasuke, you goddamn fool, Kakashi thought. You've got all this and still you can't be happy?

"You… you want to touch me?" Sakura said hoarsely.

"What do you think," Kakashi pressed out.

"Please," she said, "please touch me."

It was all the invitation he needed. He had her on her desk in a whirlwind of passion, scattering documents and books everywhere. It was very urgent business, slow could come another time. They reached their peak together in no time, her ecstatic moans doubling his pleasure.

"I'm leaving him," Sakura gasped into his ear, "I'm leaving him, Kakashi."

It made him insanely happy to hear this. Even if he knew... it was much easier said than done.