After Kakashi returned to the Anbu Headquarters, he collapsed on the bed and slept for the rest of the day and through the night, dreamless like a log. A Shinobi had to get as much sleep as he could when he could, an unwritten Shinobi rule, even when his heart was troubled.
In the morning, Kaeru ambushed him in the corridor and asked where the bird-mask girl was.
"She's been sent on a very special secret mission," Kakashi said gravely, though he couldn't help but crack a smile looking at the young man's eager expression, "it will take her a long time to return."
"Oh no, really?" Kaeru asked, sounding very disappointed. Maybe bird-mask girl would die on her mission, Kakashi thought. Kaeru's awkward crush couldn't be allowed to continue for much longer. A distracted Anbu was a liability and it was his responsibility as captain to ensure nobody got too distracted.
After tea, fruit and liquid food supplements, Kakashi went to see Iruka at the Academy. All the teachers and jonin leaders, many of which had been Team 7's peers, were excited to see him and begged him to give a small lecture to the youngest class of children. He agreed, talking about the importance of teamwork, what else. The kids were big-eyed and snot-nosed, easily impressed by the stories of a weathered jonin like him. They were about Sarada's age, Kakashi guessed, and if all went well, she would soon be able to attend the Academy with them.
The Chunin exams were brought up and Kakashi reluctantly agreed to proctor in the second part.
"Please don't fail everybody, Kakashi Sensei," Shikamaru teased him, which was exactly why Kakashi had been reluctant to get involved in the first place. The village desperately needed more shinobis but he was not ready to lower his standards. Anko smiled and winked at him from across the room, making a sign to call her. He would - she had experience at proctoring and he needed her advice.
The real reason for Kakashi's visit was very timid when Kakashi approached him, but soon beamed from ear to ear when Kakashi made it clear to him that he needed guidance on how to teach a five year old. They agreed to pick Sarada up together at eleven - Iruka had a class he could not delegate before that.
Finding himself with some free time after the visit to the Academy, Kakashi decided to go to the hospital to see Sakura. He wanted to apologize to her again for so foolishly suggesting what Sarada needed without realizing he was positioning Sakura as the perfect candidate, when the mere existence of the child must be like a thorn in her side.
To his rather pronounced disappointment, Sakura wasn't available. She was doing a complicated operation, a flustered nurse told him, it would take several more hours. How was she doing? Kakashi wondered when he walked out again. Had she slept well? He should have brought her something from the bakery. He was worried she wouldn't eat properly after the operation and just take food pills, which wasn't good for a young woman like her.
At second thought, he did go to the bakery but once inside, he realized he didn't know what she liked. After studying the various items on display, Kakashi decided to buy three Melonpan and had them wrapped in pink paper by the young shopkeeper. He also bought milk buns for later, thinking about that time they had visited Kurenai. Her small child had gotten hungry seemingly out of the blue and had cried the house down until Kurenai had warmed a bottle of milk for it to fill its stomach.
Kakashi positioned the Melonpan in Sakura's office, on her desk, choosing access over the roof rather than the front door. He did not mind gossip about himself in the least, but Sakura might not like to be in it, seeing how she would already have to deal with the fallout of Sasuke's strange decisions. Should he leave a note or was that too corny? Thinking about what to write for some time, Kakashi finally decided to put "In case you are hungry, greetings from Kakashi" on her notepad.
He was halfway out the window when he returned to add "I miss you". He was on the rooftop when he felt acutely embarrassed about it and went back to rip the entire message into tiny shreds.
Looking at the sad snippets in the paper bin Kakashi sighed. Distracted Anbu were a liability? He should first make sure he wasn't one of those before picking on Kaeru. He could count himself lucky there were no missions for him or it could turn out to be a real problem.
Speaking of missions… there was something he had to do. And he better got it done before finding an excuse not to.
The orphanage was located on the outskirts of Konohagakure, where houses were sparse and trees were many. There were several more buildings on the compound than there used to be, Kakashi noticed. The orphanage's growth was positive of course, but not only: It was good that the facility had enough money nowadays and could make the childrens' lives more comfortable, but it was very sad that there were so many children who had no parents. A decade after the last war, the wounds were still too fresh.
Kakashi was welcomed at the door by an stern looking elderly woman in dark clothing and glasses who seemed vaguely familiar to him. He hadn't lived here for long, a few months? A year before he had gotten an apartment in the village after joining the Anbu? The memories were fuzzy… almost as if hidden behind a wall of white fog. Remembering what Sakura had told him, he suspected he might have sealed away memories from the orphanage. But why? Staring at the sign above the front door, Kakashi tried to force his brain to give him some hint, but he drew a blank.
"I'm the warden here," the woman said after observing him in silence, "how can I help you?"
"I am looking for Kabuto?" Kakashi said politely.
"Oh," the woman said, turning a fraction paler, "is he in trouble?"
"No," Kakashi said, slightly taken aback about her protective reaction. It had never occurred to him that anybody in this village could care for Kabuto.
"I'm glad," the woman said with a small smile. "He lives in the house underneath the giant tree at the back. Just go around the main building and you're sure to see it, Kakashi."
Kakashi nodded his head to her in thanks, wondering as he walked away whether she knew him by name like many people in the village knew him and had just dropped all honorifics or truly knew him.
The small house she had indicated looked like it was leaning against the gigantic tree towering above it. There were wild fire lilies growing around it, vivid blotches of color against the green grass. Most of the sliding doors were open, letting in the sunlight and the gentle wind and Kakashi stepped up on the porch thinking that this was not at all the house he would expect somebody like Kabuto to inhabit - when he almost walked into the man in question after rounding a corner. Kabuto was sitting outside drinking tea, studying some papers.
He was so startled by Kakashi's sudden appearance, he dropped the cup he was drinking from - but caught it before it could shatter. A man not to underestimate, but Kakashi would never make that mistake again.
"Normal people make their presence known when they come for a visit," Kabuto snarled, his face distorting in anger.
"Not my problem if you are deaf," Kakashi shrugged, glaring down at the scientist. It was true though that he didn't make many sounds when he walked, assassin training from a young age had made it a habit.
"What do you want?" Kabuto asked unfriendly and got up, dusting off his trousers with deliberate nonchalance.
"Answers," Kakashi shot back.
"And you think you will get them because…" Kabuto lifted his eyebrows in mock curiosity.
"Someone who volunteers to take care of children who have lost their parents cannot be all bad."
"Get lost, I don't need your sympathy."
"I wasn't offering any. Whatever hardship you had in the past is in the past. From where I'm standing, your life in Konoha looks pretty good," Kakashi gestured at the house and the surroundings. "Have you accepted it as your home?"
"I find it extraordinary that you come here to lecture me," Kabuto snarled. "You! Of all people. Do you really think you have the right?"
Here it was again. An attitude that spoke of a personal grudge. Kakashi sighed. He had neither the time nor the energy to find out where that came from, if such animosity needed a reason at all.
"Listen, Kabuto. I won't play games with you. Do you know Sasuke has fathered a girl? An innocent child is involved in this mess. She's five."
No, Kabuto had not known from the shocked face he made.
"Her mother brought her to Konoha so that we… I… we… can protect her. But I need to know what she's running from to be able to do that. I… I ask you very politely to please enlighten me about what you told me before. That I… that I participated willingly in… experiments? Related to the Sharingan."
"Did you say please?" Kabuto's eyes turned to slits. "I didn't quite hear you."
"Please," Kakashi said again, swallowing down his massive dislike and his pride, though with considerable difficulty. "Please."
Kabuto looked at him strangely for a moment before he sighed too. "Very well. Yes, you participated willingly in the Sharingan experiments. The only ones that know about it are you, me and Sasuke."
"Keep going," Kakashi urged him after Kabuto fell silent.
"It was you who came to me, asking for it."
"Why… why would I do that?" Kakashi felt his head beginning to spin. So he had really gone behind Tsunade's back? It was unfathomable that he would do that! Showing allegiance to one's Kage… it was the rule number one from the Shinobi Code of Conduct. Without such loyalty, what purpose did the life of a Shinobi have?
"For the Uchiha, of course, what else. You always feel you need to protect him, don't you? Him - or rather his obliterated clan. This massive survivor's guilt you still carry around with you… it explains pretty much everything you do."
"How do these experiments help…," what did the two things have to do with each other? Why would he… wait.
Oh no.
"Is something wrong with Sasuke?"
"You're smart," Kabuto said, for once not sounding insincere, "I've heard many people laud your deduction skills. Hey, and you don't even need a Sharingan for that!"
Oh shit. He had sensed something wasn't right that day at the bar. Only a fever, Sakura had said, but Kakashi had seen something else in Sasuke's eyes, he realized that now - the Uchiha knew what ailed him and he was damned scared of it.
"What is it? Do you know?" Kakashi asked with a sinking feeling.
Kabuto shrugged. "Not fully. Sasuke thinks it could be the same illness Itachi had."
Oh shit.
Sasuke must have confided in him. That was the pretty much the only reason he could think of for him to have volunteered for human experiments that Tsunade would never sanction. If Sasuke was terminally ill, if he died before the bloodline was secured…
"You seem to get it now," Kabuto said. "I've been doing experiments with Uchiha blood for many years and I've recently managed to give you the ability to activate the Sharingan instead of carrying around that huge chakra suck activated behind your forehead protector all the time."
"That's impossible," Kakashi said fiercely.
"Thank you for sharing your expert knowledge," Kabuto said coldly. "Didn't think you were the type to deny obvious things."
"But… does it not require Uchiha eyes?"
"Indeed an expert," Kabuto sneered. "Yes, it requires Uchiha eyes and Uchiha blood for the bloodline trait, that's exactly what I was saying before. That's why you have that blood seal."
"But I…"
"There are two Uchiha eyes in your head, you dolt. You didn't notice looking in the mirror? Well, those eyes are a mystery, who knows, they might be able to cast a genjutsu at their wearer to make him forget everything."
Kakashi felt a great urge to sit down, but there only was the porch and he wasn't quite sure he wanted to appear weak in front of this man. But then again… Kakashi sat down rather abruptly and covered his face with his hands.
"Whose eyes…," he asked, feeling sick to the stomach.
"Fugaku Uchiha's. Sasuke's father."
But how? How?! Where had these eyes even come from?!
"I injected you with the blood serum the other day and you've got a new seal thanks to it. Just know that your body continues to reject the Uchiha blood rather violently. Take your pills, okay? I don't like you, but I invested a lot of time into my research and I don't want my number one test subject to die."
"Take them out," Kakashi said, lifting his head, feeling so repulsed he was ready to claw the eyes out himself. "Now."
"Now?" Kabuto laughed. "That is not going to happen. I told you already, using two Mangekyo Sharingans changed your cell structure. I don't know how to reverse those effects... yet. You might already be dead without me."
"I will have to tell Tsunade about all this," Kakashi said. He was ready to bear the consequences of her wrath.
"Don't be an idiot," Kabuto retorted sharply. "She would shut us down immediately. We have come so far! You yourself said she would get over her anger quickly once we would be able to present her with the technology to turn all her Shinobis into Sharingan-wielders. Imagine what this means for Konoha!"
"Sasuke has a child," Kakashi said quietly. "The bloodline is secure now. We have to stop. We cannot do this behind Tsunade's back! It's wrong."
"You know exactly that one defenseless child is not enough. She will be the target of everyone coveting the Sharingan - if she isn't already. You want to protect her? Good luck. One of you is nowhere near enough."
If she isn't already. Karin had come running to him. Somebody must have found out.
"Only you, me and Sasuke know about the experiments?" Kakashi mused. "I don't think that's true. Somebody else knows too. Somebody who has access to a Mangekyo Sharingan and can produce Susanoo clones. Somebody I let capture me deliberately to spring a trap on them with false information. Somebody who…" knows how to erase memories? I must have gotten too close.
"You were trained by Danzo too, were you not?" Kakashi asked Kabuto. There was something… something he could not quite put his finger on. Something that was bugging him. That wasn't right. Something hidden behind white fog.
"What if?" Kabuto asked back defensively.
"Has he taught you how to forget too?"
Kakashi saw in Kabuto's face that the bespectacled man understood very well what he meant. A top class spy. A man who had had no real identity. A man who would seal away anything that could compromise him when in the enemy's hands. Or anytime he wanted to.
Erase your personality. Erase your past. Erase your future. You are nothing. The mission is everything.
What if that jutsu could be wielded against a person to make them forget? What if…
Kakashi got up abruptly. "I'm going to get to the bottom of this," he said coldly. "I'm warning you. If you are in any way working against Konoha's interests..."
"Good," Kabuto sneered, "I'm glad we're back to hating each other, I feel far more comfortable this way."
The medic was hiding something, Kakashi's gut told him loud and clear. Kabuto knew more than he admitted and that meant… he was either being the same traitor he had always been… Or he was protecting something. Or someone.
"What is the warden's name?" Kakashi asked.
Kabuto's lips turned into a sneer. "You didn't recognize her? The name is Nohara. I think you killed her daughter? Something like… thirty years ago? But don't worry. She has long since forgiven you, Hero of the Sharingan. The mistakes we made in the past… they are all forgiven and forgotten. Are they not?"
Rin.
The pain was as sharp as ever. Forgiven and forgotten? Never. Simply because Kakashi would never let himself.
###
Only her immense exhaustion kept Sakura from running all the way home. Clutching the Melonpan in the pink paper to her chest, she hoped she would be able to see the one who had so thoughtfully put it into her office earlier when he brought Sarada back to the Hokage Tower for the night. If only briefly. If only to say hi and to assure herself that he was well, and sufficiently rested after everything he had gone through in the last couple of days.
It was Sasuke who met her at the door though, fixating her with his dark eyes from his wheelchair.
"Hi, Sasuke," she said, taking off her shoes and jacket. She was too tired for anything more, even forming words was an effort. He still looked pale and there was an trace of pain visible on his face. The nurse seemed to have left, but she had put a blanket over Sasuke's legs, like instructed. The warmth would help stabilize the bones.
"Hello Sakura," he said, "how has your day been?"
Obviously, he was still shocked about not remembering they were married and from his tone, she guessed he might even feel bad about it. He had probably hit his head really hard. It was almost eerie, this forced civility.
"Sarada is not back yet?" she voiced her hope. It was very quiet in the apartment.
"She is," Sasuke replied, "they brought her back over an hour ago."
Sakura felt how her lip began to quiver and quickly bit down on it. She had wanted to feel Kakashi's warm embrace so much. It was the only thing that could unburden her heavy heart today. He was the only one she wanted to talk to about the situation she was in. She had missed him all day to the point where she had wanted to leave the hospital under some pretext to find him.
"Did she say anything?" Sakura asked, walking in the direction of the kitchen, followed closely by Sasuke who seemed to have relatively little trouble operating the wheelchair despite having just one arm. The door to the guest room that was Sarada's for now was firmly shut. Cautiously, Sakura probed the space behind it with her senses, finding a small, tired chakra presence there.
"She hasn't spoken to me," Sasuke said. "Not a single word."
After putting the bread on the counter, Sakura went to the fridge and took out what was left from her mother's food gift. It would have to suffice, even though Sasuke had not thought about making rice, she noticed with a pang of annoyance. But she was beyond hunger, a side effect of food pills. Maybe she would just eat the Melonpan.
"What did the Senseis say?" she asked, walking to the sink to get water.
"They had an argument."
"Why?" Sakura frowned.
"Kakashi wanted to test Sarada's nature transformation affinity tomorrow and Iruka opposed him rather vehemently, saying it's much too early, she's too young and it could be dangerous."
"And?" Sakura said with a sinking feeling.
"When he raised his voice against Kakashi, Sarada pushed Iruka hard, ran to her room, locked herself in and hasn't come out since."
Sakura sighed. An argument? That was neither like Iruka Sensei nor like Kakashi. Obviously, the training had not gone well or they would not have lost their cool like this.
"It would take a lot of time to train her, Iruka said. She has no previous knowledge. Never saw a shuriken or a kunai before and cried when Iruka wanted her to attack him so he could show her basic Taijutsu moves."
The poor child.
"What did Kakashi say?" Sakura asked. "Kakashi Sensei," she added, but why did she even bother?
"Why did Kakashi have a raincoat here?" Sasuke asked abruptly.
"Excuse me?" But it clicked while she asked. The raincoat! Kakashi had most likely forgotten it yesterday when he had rushed out of this apartment in the morning. And she had been too preoccupied with dark thoughts to notice it when they had returned home.
"His raincoat. He took it with him to wherever he disappears to at night when he left earlier."
"The Anbu," Sakura said. "He's back in the Anbu."
"It's where he belongs. He shouldn't try to teach," Sasuke said viciously. "He's too bad at it. He was over an hour late coming here this morning. Iruka was livid."
"It's Tsunade's order," Sakura said, feeling cold anger starting to boil inside of her. "Besides, Kakashi is the only one the child seems to accept for now."
But she is yours. Yours! she wanted to shout at the Uchiha. You have a child with another woman and I am just to be okay with it?!
"He slept here the night before, that's why his raincoat was here," she added with deliberate meanness.
"He… what?" Sasuke's eyes grew large, then narrowed to angry slits.
"You heard me. He slept here. If you think you have any right to be territorial right now you are mistaken. I have good reason to believe you do not remember what happened between us. But let me tell you… I am over you. It took me about 10 years too long, but finally. Finally I have woken up!"
Sakura felt like throwing the contents of her kitchen cupboard at the man in front of her. His damn, breathtaking handsomeness. His damn hypnotic eyes that looked pained.
"I… I am sorry, Sakura," Sasuke said with obvious difficulty. "I must have really hurt you. I know you've always been… on my side. I swear, I will do my best to…"
"Don't even bother!" she pressed out. "Just leave me alone. Why did you come back to Konoha in the first place? It worked so well with you gone!"
"I…," he bit his lips, "I…"
There was a sudden sound from the guest room and the floor shook very briefly, as if something heavy had fallen on the floor. Sakura's heart wanted to stop.
"Sarada?" Sakura rushed over, but the door was locked from the inside. "Sarada?" she asked again and knocked. "Can you open the door?"
There was no answer.
"Sarada?"
The girl's chakra presence was gone.
"Dammit," Sakura cursed and hit her chakra infused fist against the door so that it sprang open, the lock ripped from the door frame.
The room was empty.
Feeling her heart beating frantically in her throat, Sakura turned on her heels in a circle, hoping to find a clue, any clue how a five year old could have disappeared from a locked room. Could somebody have kidnapped her? But the window was closed and there were Anbu guards all around the tower. Surely they would have noticed an intruder?
They couldn't lose Sarada. And if they did… would she be alright with Sasuke fathering more children with other women? If she were, why did this child bother her so much?
Then she saw the sheet of paper on the floor. She rushed over and picked it up. There was a fain paw print on it. Like a signature. She had seen this paw print before.
"Did Kakashi introduce Sarada to his ninken?" Sakura asked breathlessly, hearing Sasuke appear behind her. Yes, Kakashi would do something like this. Not only would the dogs give joy to a child, they could also help with protecting her.
"Yes, Iruka mentioned something like that," Sasuke said.
"Can she do a summoning jutsu?" Sakura asked astonished.
"No," Sasuke said. "But Kakashi gave her a dog whistle?"
Sarada had managed to call Pakkun. And Pakkun had taken her away. Where would a lost and sad girl like Sarada want to go at this time of night? It wasn't hard for Sakura to imagine. It was where she wanted to be too.
"I'm going to get her back," Sakura said breathlessly. "I know where she is."
"Sakura, let me help," Sasuke said. "I know I have messed up. I want…"
But Sakura did not want to hear what he wanted. She was already out the door and running down the stairs. She would be able to see Kakashi after all. She needed to see him. With him by her side, everything would be alright.
Or at least, she could believe it would be. It was better than most other options.
