"You cannot just run away, Sarada," Kakashi said, not quite managing to keep a frown off his face but not wanting to admonish the child too much either. "Imagine how Sakura felt after finding you gone."
"I left her a message, she'll understand," Pakkun grumbled.
"You should know better than to kidnap a child and bring her to the Anbu headquarters," Kakashi snapped at the dog. "What were you thinking!"
Sarada, who was walking beside him, tensed and stood still at his angry words and for a moment, Kakashi dreaded she would start crying again. It was the most pitiful thing he had ever seen and he couldn't deal with it at all. Without Iruka, the training session this afternoon would have turned out even worse than it already had because he simply could not get himself to be strict with this child.
"I'm not really angry with the dog," he explained to her quickly. "Nothing happened after all. But still…"
Kakashi sighed and turned his eyes up to the slowly darkening sky. Dozens of trained assassins with their weapons ready at the alarms the child had triggered by just walking in - it could have gone horribly wrong. Luckily, his Anbu comrades had stood down quickly at his hasty command, realizing the tiny intruder with the huge, frightened eyes was no threat.
"The dog only did what he thought was best," Pakkun huffed. "The girl made it very clear to me that she needed to see the silver-haired uncle immediately. And the silver-haired uncle had told me earlier that I had to help the child whenever she was in need."
"Fine," Kakashi said, thinking that she was at least talking to a dog if not to anyone else, "forget about it. But this won't happen anymore, alright? You live with Sakura and Sasuke, Sarada!"
Sarada didn't answer but her pout deepened. Did she not understand that Sasuke was her biological father? Kakashi wasn't sure anybody had told her. Yesterday, he had made sure to say a proper goodbye to her at the hospital, but Tsunade had sent him on an important errand - to get clothes and other things for Sarada from Kurenai - so he had left before everybody else and wasn't privy to what information had been exchanged.
"Are you perhaps hungry?" he asked the girl. It seemed cruel to him to rush her back like an unwanted burden when she had gone through the trouble of finding him at the Anbu Headquarters. He would send Pakkun to Sakura to tell her all was well.
Sarada nodded timidly.
"Okay," Kakashi said, "I will buy you some food and then we head back to the Hokage Tower for the night."
Remembering Iruka's clever reward system for Naruto and lacking a better idea of where else to go, he pointed towards the direction of Rāmen Ichiraku. He was hungry too. An extra large bowl of Tonkotsu Ramen, that's what he felt like eating. It had not exactly been a good day for him and he needed something to make it temporarily better - all the more so because he knew there couldn't be many good days to follow.
The truth was, he was a traitor, unfit to be trusted by his Hokage.
The longer he remained quiet about the experiments, the bigger his wrongdoing. But if he went ahead and told Tsunade about what he knew, he might cause a considerable problem for Sasuke, which he was not ready to do either. But most importantly, they were facing a skilled enemy operating from the shadows, one he had reason to believe was connected to him.
In the hours since coming back from the orphanage he had concluded that taking out that enemy as soon as possible was a priority. It wouldn't solve all his problems, but at least, it would ensure the safety of Konoha, whatever happened to him afterwards. For a while, he had had this plan, hoping he could first remember and then go clean up his mess, but now… he wasn't sure remembering was still going to happen soon.
Kakashi suppressed a heavy sigh as he looked around himself. Konoha was always in his heart, it was what he would protect with his life, no questions asked. Leaving this place in secret… even risking being pronounced a missing-nin... it would be very hard. Not least because there was now a person he...
"Here she comes already, the woman who uses my shampoo," Pakkun murmured. "Told you not to worry, Kakashi."
Kakashi stopped dead in his tracks. Sarada slipped her hand into his and held on tightly, almost as if she was afraid he would leave her alone. But even if he had wanted to move, Kakashi remained strangely frozen, his eyes glued to the figure with the pink hair as she approached at high speed, forcing other pedestrians to jump to the left and right to avoid collision.
"Kakashi!" Sakura yelled when she saw them standing there, "Kakashi!"
Before he could unfreeze, she had reached them, thrown her arms around his neck and pulled his face down to hers for a passionate kiss.
"That escalated quickly," Kakashi heard Pakkun snicker, just as he felt his face grow burning hot underneath his mask.
"Sakura," he whispered when she released him, "we're in the middle of the street…"
"You dummy," Sakura scolded him half laughing, "why did you rip the message apart? Did you think I wouldn't look in the bin?"
"Oh," he stammered, "well…"
Kakashi felt like he needed a hole to crawl into. It was a balmy evening and quite a few people were underway, those headed home from work and those coming out in pairs in search of some entertainment. Every single one of them was staring at them. But Sakura held on to him tightly, completely oblivious of the spectacle they were making, not giving a damn about it in ways he found extremely brave.
"We were just headed to Ichiraku's," he continued stammering, "are you hungry too?"
"Oh," Sakura said, glancing down, only now seeming to realize there was a tiny human attached to him, "I'm starving, actually. Are you paying? That must be a first."
And like there was nothing to it, she grabbed his other hand, smiling and winking at Sarada that was still clinging onto the other.
Maybe he was just old. But walking around hand in hand in public was something nobody in his generation would easily do. Back when he had been a teenager, dating had been done in secret if at all, hidden from the eyes of the elders and the rest of the village. Besides, this woman was married, which most people would know about. But why did her hand in his feel so right when his head was trying to convince him this was wrong?
What am I afraid of? he asked himself, gazing at her face that he had wished to see all day. The scorn of other people? When have I ever cared? Every minute I get to spend with her is worth a hundred years of damnation.
"Have you grown roots?" Pakkun taunted him. "It's getting dark soon."
"Won't Sasuke be worried if you don't get back soon?" Kakashi said, immediately wanting to bite his own tongue off when he saw Sakura's face fall.
"I will deliver a message to him," Pakkun said, earning himself a juicy bone, "I will say the girl has been found and will soon return, no need to worry."
"Scratch the soon," Sakura said darkly and held Kakashi's hand a little more firmly. "Just tell him not to worry."
"Thanks, Pakkun," Kakashi said, still not entirely sure how to deal with this situation. But Sarada was pulling on one of his hands and Sakura on the other so that not walking forward together with them would have required planting his heels into the ground and resisting them, which… only a much bigger fool than him would consider a valid option.
###
Sakura couldn't help but smile every time she caught a glimpse of Kakashi's reddened ears. Why was he so shy tonight? They had eaten well at Ichiraku's, with Sarada pointing to Shoyu Ramen on the menu and eating two kid sized portions one after the other with considerable appetite, which had pleased Teuchi a great deal. Now the three of them were strolling along the street again at a leisurely pace. In fact, Sakura was more than ready to adjust her speed to the short legs of a child to drag out the time as much as possible.
"I told Sasuke about us," Sakura told Kakashi so he could stop worrying, but that didn't fix the problem.
"You… what?" he stammered and looked so distressed for a moment, she wanted to hug and kiss him again. Actually, she wanted to hug and kiss him all the time, but the child had attached herself to him in ways that made that pretty much impossible. Sarada was quietly observing her with a tiny frown on her face, clinging to Kakashi with both hands as if to tell her that he was hers and not to share.
"Oh, did you manage to get the clothes for Sarada?" Sakura suddenly remembered. "She needs to put on something less tattered tomorrow."
"I did," Kakashi said. "I will go fetch them and bring them to…"
"Let's go together," Sakura interrupted him.
"Hm," he replied, his eyes crinkling a tiny bit, "okay. When do five year olds normally go to bed?"
"I… I have no idea," Sakura had to admit. "At 9pm?"
"It's not 9pm yet," Kakashi said, sounding hopeful. "I put them in my apartment."
Great. That was quite a distance away, Sakura thought and then had to laugh.
"I don't mind walking through Konoha with you at all," she said at his questioning look. "I really wanted to see you today."
"Me too," Kakashi said and his ears turned bright red again.
After five more steps, Sarada suddenly wedged herself between them as if she belonged there and not by his side. A little surprised, Sakura let go of Kakashi's hand just to have both of their hands grabbed by the girl. The little hand was warm, a tiny bit sticky and holding on rather tightly.
"So there's no Sharingan?" Sakura asked Kakashi after they had walked in silence for a bit.
"I am not sure," Kakashi answered. "I saw nothing today that would signify she has awakened it. Which is a great relief."
Sakura wasn't quite sure why he said that, but his tone made her reluctant to ask. A relief for all of them, for Sarada or for him? For somebody married to an Uchiha, she understood very little about those eyes of theirs and the various issues that came with it. Was it physically painful perhaps? As a doctor for Shinobis, she knew that all of the powerful jutsu came with a high price, to either the body or the mind.
"I hope she can attend the Academy with the other kids soon," Kakashi continued. "At the very least, we need to make sure she knows how to defend herself. Iruka is very good at teaching those basic skills."
"She has no previous shinobi training, I heard?"
"She doesn't," Kakashi said, glancing down at Sarada, "neither does she know how to read or write. Iruka will propose a whole series of private lessons to you tomorrow."
"To me?" Sakura asked surprised.
"To… you and Sasuke," Kakashi answered quietly.
It gave Sakura pause. To her and Sasuke? As if… as if she were the mother of this child? She looked down at the jagged black hair and the little feet that stomped between them with such determination. She wasn't. And more, she didn't want to be.
"I'm very sorry, Sakura," Kakashi said, as if he were able to read her thoughts.
Sorry about what though? She looked up and met Kakashi's eyes. There was a lot of unspoken words there and a turmoil of emotions she could not read. Something was different about Kakashi tonight, even though she couldn't quite put her finger on it. It scared her all of a sudden. Was he perhaps having second thoughts? She needed just five minutes alone with him. Or ten. Okay, fifteen. Fifteen would be enough to tell him… show him how much she needed him. She knew she was clumsy as hell when it came to physical intimacy, but surely she would be able to improve with time? If only he gave her time…
What if we lock the child in some room so we can be alone? She mused and then laughed at her own silliness.
"Nothing," she told him when he looked at her strangely, "I was just imagining something."
Which would be him and her naked together. Sakura knew very well how fleeting the effects of hormones were and that it would eventually stop being like this, but it had only been a very short time since they had first slept together - not even two days ago! - so it was no surprise that she couldn't think of anything else but the next time.
They walked up to his apartment in silence. Sarada was suppressing yawns and blinked frequently, her body seemingly getting even smaller as her shoulder sagged and she had to be halfway carried up the stairs.
"Here are the clothes," Kakashi said, disengaging his hand from Sarada's and stepping over to the bed to show her what was on offer. Sakura thought it was all very cute, the kind of fashion she would have loved to have as a kid, with lots of plush, animal prints and glittery tidbits.
"Do you like them?" Kakashi smiled as Sarada stepped forward to touch a sweatshirt with bunny ears.
Sarada nodded and grabbed all the clothes she could reach, hugging them close.
"I got you something else," Kakashi said. "Wait…"
Rummaging inside a paper bag that was also on the bed, he pulled out a fluffy rabbit doll with huge ears and a smiley face.
"Everyone needs something … or someone to cuddle at night," he said and held the stuffed toy towards her.
For a moment, Sakura felt a pang of unwarranted jealousy. But then she saw the girl's eyes widen in wonderment and awe, wiping all silly thoughts out of her mind. A tiny squeal escaped Sarada's mouth as she dropped the clothes and gingerly took the doll from Kakashi's hand as if it were an invaluable object.
"Thank you. Thank you very much," the girl said in a high, shaking voice.
Just as Kakashi and Sakura's eyes met in a surprised but somewhat proud acknowledgement of her first words to them, Sarada climbed into bed without further ado and snuggled herself into the pillow with the rabbit tightly pressed against her body.
"Er, Sarada?" Kakashi said. "This is not… "
But Sarada just snuggled in deeper with her eyes closed, pulling the covers up to her nose. Almost instantly, her breathing became slow and deep.
"Has she fallen asleep?" Kakashi asked after a moment of stunned silence.
"Maybe they go to bed earlier than 9pm?" Sakura mused. There was no doubt about it. Sarada had fallen asleep as soon as her head had touched the pillow.
"She had a hard training session today," Kakashi nodded. "Should I carry her back?"
"Let her sleep here," Sakura said. "For once."
"Okay. I will stay here for the night," Kakashi said, "there's some additional bedding in the cupboard."
"I want to stay too."
Kakashi sucked in air and for once tonight, he seemed to turn pale, not red. "You… I think you can't."
Sakura raised her eyebrows. Did he really think she would go home alone without… anything else? Maybe she should have made it much clearer just how much she had wanted to see him!
"Don't you have a shift tomorrow?" he asked cautiously.
"I just need to get up early. There's nothing at the Tower I really need."
He looked at her as if he were unsure about how to take her words. She halfway expected him to mention Sasuke again but even if he did, it would make no difference. She would not leave this place out of consideration for someone who had only made her miserable for years.
"I managed to keep my jealousy in check until now," Sakura frowned at him, half-serious though it was kinda ridiculous, "but I've kind of reached my limit. You let this girl sleep in your bed but are trying to kick me out?"
There was a somewhat breathless laugh from Kakashi.
"You think I can sleep next to you without touching you? You should know, I have very little self-control."
"There are two additional rooms with doors in this apartment..."
To be fair, there was a part of her that was shocked at her own straightforwardness. She had been such a good girl for over twenty years of her life. But apparently, one night had sufficed to turn her into a nymphomaniac that was ready to jump a man's bones even when he expressed reluctance.
I am just too desperate to feel wanted and loved, she thought ruefully. Pathetic.
Her mother would faint on the spot if she were to find out. Silently disapproving of her Sasuke obsession, her parents had tried to tell her on several occasions a woman should not throw herself at a man but wait for him to make his advances. A woman had a dignity, her mother had once said, and that dignity could not be easily restored once it was destroyed.
But Sakura had never cared about her dignity. And the longer she looked at Kakashi standing there being appealing like the best kind of desert she could imagine, the less she cared.
"I'd prefer the shower over the kitchen," Kakashi said, his voice dropping to a whisper that made goosebumps spring up all over her body. "But we have to be quiet so as not to wake or scare her."
"Are you saying I'm loud?" Sakura couldn't help but smile broadly in anticipation of what was to follow.
"Well…," Kakashi smirked, "loud enough to tell me I'm doing something right."
Sakura was amazed at how fast they managed to shed their clothes once inside the bathroom, it was almost as if someone had magically snapped their fingers to undress them. Torn between the urgent need to feel him inside of her and the realization that he had told her that going slow was his preferred mode, Sakura tried to do what he did to her and explore his body with the attention it deserved.
But it only made her more impatient.
And then it became hard to think.
She was aware enough to realize that there was something desperate about his love making, him kissing her harder, holding her tighter, entering her sooner - right before she forgot such silly notions completely as waves of pleasure began to wash over her. At one stage, she bit him hard in the shoulder - she felt sorry about it immediately, but trying not to be loud took too much of an effort. She applied chakra to heal him, but she could not concentrate enough to ensure it wouldn't scar. She was focused on his breathing at her ear, noticing the quickening pace, waiting for the exhale that signified the peak of his own pleasure. Feeling... a lot of things.
To be pleased and please in turn… give and take when she had always been the one to give one-sidedly - it was a sensation she knew she would grow addicted to if she wasn't already. And as she was held in his arms after it was over, with the warm water flowing down on them with soothing softness, Sakura played with the spiky stubbornness of Kakashi's hair, traced the contours of his jaw with her fingers, and thought that she had never before felt this way about anybody.
The feeling surprised her in its newness when she had always thought she knew the depth of it. It also rendered her speechless because she suddenly doubted she knew enough words to adequately express herself to him.
He didn't seem to notice her strange silence when he rubbed her dry with a bath towel, planted a kiss on the top of her head, and handed her a toothbrush from his cupboard. A new, pink one, absolutely one she would have picked for herself.
Brushing her teeth next to him, looking at their pink and silver reflections in the fogged up mirror, only plunged her even deeper into her crisis. He was the romance novel expert, but she had read enough of them as well to know that it was turning points like these protagonists usually regretted not having recognized in time. By not telling him what she felt, was she perhaps missing an important opportunity that would never return?
"Kakashi…," she began after the teeth were clean, but it was as far as she got and she closed her mouth again.
"I'll check on Sarada," Kakashi said with a smile, "I'm sure you could use some privacy. I'll find pyjamas for you."
When she stepped out of the bathroom a while later, he had switched off all lights but one and sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the girl with an expression that touched Sakura's heart. An unknown child had reached out its hand to him and he had taken it, no questions asked.
It's what he did. Go all in. With a selflessness that astonished her even though she had known him for so long.
It is why Kakashi has to become Hokage, Sakura suddenly thought. He's that kind of person.
Almost compulsively, she went over to hug him from behind.
"Her sleep is really deep," he whispered. "She hasn't budged at all."
"Should I talk to Tsunade?" Sakura whispered back. "She quite obviously doesn't want to stay with me and Sasuke."
He hesitated. Naturally. How silly of her to assume an Anbu captain which happened to be the right hand of the Hokage could provide a home for an abandoned child.
"Sorry," she added quickly, "of course not. She will just have to adjust."
"Sakura," Kakashi said and turned around to face her. "It is probably not the time for this discussion right now, but you cannot continue to pretend Sasuke is not involved in this. He is her father. I have no right to take this away from him."
This? Fatherhood? A child Sasuke had not even known he had? Or this… a family? A family in which she was going to be trapped? She felt her temper rise, but managed to clamp down on it before it could erupt.
"I am not ready to be a mother," she pressed out, "especially not for a child that is not my own! You can judge me if you want, but I have a hard time not resenting this child for all it represents. I cannot even look at Sasuke without wanting to kill him at the moment. I… I hate him!"
Kakashi pressed his lips together and looked down.
"I fear you will regret saying this later," he said quietly. "I'm the intruder here. I know I should not have let this go any further, it only makes your life harder. If only I were less selfish…"
"Are you kidding me?" Sakura exclaimed.
"Sakura…"
"Selfish? You? You are the opposite of selfish. If you're anything, you are too selfless. Kakashi is needed in the Anbu? Kakashi goes back to the Anbu even though he's much too kind hearted a person for their line of work. A shinobi is needed for the most dangerous S-rank mission? Kakashi volunteers so nobody else has to put themselves in danger. Konoha is threatened? Kakashi throws himself…"
"Shhh," Kakashi said sharply when Sarada whimpered in her sleep.
Sakura shut up and glared at him.
"I don't want to fight with you," he said very quietly again. "Please."
He held up a wide T-shirt to her.
"Your pyjamas. I'll get the futon."
She felt disarmed despite her residual anger. Intruder? Was that really what he saw himself as? Ridiculous!
"You mean a lot to me," she blurted out.
When he didn't respond but continued to lay out the futon and the blanket and two pillows as if he hadn't heard her, she felt her entire ego deflate. Oh god. He didn't feel the same. He had doubts after all. Stupid her. Stupid to bring feelings into this. Now she was this clingy person again she didn't even like, one who threw dignity out of the window at the first chance she got.
I think I'm going to cry, Sakura thought. Oh god, I should just leave.
"Sakura?" Kakashi said. "If you look this miserable because you're embarrassed about what you just said and you think I didn't respond immediately because I don't share the sentiment… you're wrong. Put the pyjamas on. Come here."
He indicated the narrow futon.
"Lie down. You're probably exhausted."
She did as told, still feeling timid. Kakashi settled down next to her, reaching up to switch the bedside light off, then offering her his arm to put her head on, then turning so he could use the other to cuddle her closer.
"It means a lot to me to hear you say that," he whispered into her ear. "Thank you."
"I mean it," she said vehemently, "I really mean it. You mean more to me than…"
"Sakura," Kakashi interrupted her gently. "I understand that the situation you are in is very difficult. I will be here for you as much as I can, when I can. But when I'm not here…"
What?
"Are you going on a mission?" she interrupted him in turn, her voice squeaky and panicked. Please no. No dangerous missions.
"Soon," he replied.
"No, please don't go!" she blurted out.
Kakashi kissed her on the cheek.
"I… have to," he said firmly. "I'm sorry."
Why did he sound so dejected?
"Will you come to the hospital tomorrow? I make time for you at 6pm," she said. "I will look at your arm. And you can do all the Genjutsu you like and I will..."
"I will try and make time for that, yes," he said. "Thank you. Thank you for everything."
And with that, he buried his face against her neck and pulled her even closer. Two seconds later, he had fallen asleep.
"You really do mean a lot to me," she whispered into the darkness, "but that's not even half of what I meant to say. You swept me off my feet. How did this even happen? I've fallen hard. I…," she took a deep breath. "I thought I knew what that meant. I thought that painful feeling I had for Sasuke for so long was it. I didn't know how it would feel to fall in love with someone like you who gives me so much comfort by just being there. Oh god, I'm cheesy and emotional. Luckily you're asleep and didn't hear any of this."
Her heart beating almost painfully hard, Sakura turned her face a little. Was he really sleep?
He was.
Maybe she would have to courage to tell him all this in better words tomorrow. Maybe.
