Chapter 25 - Uchihas Never Cry

"Sasuke filed an official complaint against you early this morning, Kakashi," Tsunade said with a massive sigh. "He wants the forbid you any contact with his child. He says you kidnapped her. I am trying to keep this low profile, but I might have to get the council involved if he insists on pressing charges."

There were primarily three things going through Kakashi's head as he stood in the Hokage's office receiving this information, squinting a little against the bright light of the morning sun. One, he had to suppress frequent yawns because he was very tired, which was becoming an unfortunate habit. Two, the Hokage didn't look well. Her bloated, reddened face and the drooping, teary eyes worried Kakashi to the extent that he decided to take Shizune aside right after this to quiz her about the village leader's health. Three, even though his move complicated everything, Kakashi understood Sasuke. He would probably have done the same… or much worse in the same situation.

"I wanted to go talk to Sasuke right after reporting to you anyway," Kakashi said. "I do not mean to take anything away from him. Maybe we can work this out civilly?"

Tsunade pressed her lips together. "Is it true that Sakura stayed with you and Sarada tonight?"

Kakashi nodded after the briefest moment of hesitation. Denying this was no use. It wasn't a surprise that Tsunade knew about the stayover, it was expected of the village leader to be informed. Besides, Sakura's public show of affection from the day before needed no secret police to become news in this gossip-loving place.

Being able to hold Sakura in his arms all night was already his favorite thing in the whole wide world. Too bad she had had to leave so hastily this morning, even without breakfast, but she had slept way too long - or rather, Kakashi hadn't woken her up in time because he had lost himself looking at her sleeping face in the faint morning light.

"It doesn't seem like the best of times for Sakura and you to hook up," Tsunade said grimly. "But of course, such things cannot be helped. If it affects your performance, however…"

"That will depend on the mission," Kakashi replied truthfully. "But I know I can separate my personal and my professional life well."

To think he even had an opportunity to use the term personal life these days… for as long as he remembered, such a thing had been frowned upon for soldiers on active duty. Any ties to other people bore weaknesses that skilled enemies knew how to exploit. The Anbu had had to retire many operatives after they fell in love, especially since it tended to happen most among teammates. Kakashi remembered the heated discussions in the top echelons about banning women from the secret branches of the military entirely - to prevent feelings from clouding operatives' judgements. Which was laughable, since men could fall in love with each other too and frequently did. It was simply human to form attachments and no laws could prevent that from happening.

"Can Iruka handle Sarada alone if worst comes to worst?"

Kakashi took a minute to ponder this. Then, he nodded.

"Yes. He is a very good teacher. I am not a hundred percent sure, but for now there are no indications that Sarada has awakened the Sharingan. And even if she has or will in the near future… Sasuke is in the much better position than me to teach her how to use it. I am not an Uchiha and know very little about it after all."

Tsunade looked at him thoughtfully, her chin resting on her hands.

"That isn't true, and I think you know it. You are extremely well positioned to teach her a responsible use exactly because you are not an Uchiha. Besides, I am to understand the child is very attached to you?"

Yes, that seemed to be the case, though he wasn't entirely sure of the reason. Sarada was in the same room with them, playing with Tonton in the corner behind them under Shizune's supervision. Despite the sensitivity of the topic they were discussing simply because the child had refused to part with him in the morning when they had gotten here by clinging onto his shirt with both hands. For such a small human, she was surprisingly strong.

"I know you did not kidnap Sarada. How she found you is another question though. I assume it was Pakkun? Sasuke mentioned the 'arrogant use of a dog' to deliver messages in his complaint."

Kakashi nodded again. It had been a mistake to introduce Sarada to the pack and to tell her they would help her if she was in need. He should have known a child was unable to differentiate between a whim and an emergency. At second thought though… No. It was not a mistake. She would need the extra protection when he wasn't around and he could fully trust his ninken to do what was necessary.

"I am reluctant to punish the child for a marriage crisis that has nothing to do with her," Tsunade murmured. "I should probably have seen this coming when I sent Sakura to the hospital to help you."

"You should have," Kakashi agreed though that was probably unfair. He himself would have laughed at the thought of falling for Sakura not too long ago. "I thought it was your plan all along."

"I never considered myself an expert in matchmaking. I just thought she would keep you in check," Tsunade sighed. "Whenever you mentioned her in the past, you spoke of her with more respect than for most other people."

Yes, it was true. Kakashi had become thoroughly impressed with Sakura years ago and had never been shy to talk about it. He remembered the moment it had happened quite clearly: That day after Naruto's return to the village when Tsunade had ordered him to test his and Sakura's new skills. In the light of Sasuke and Naruto's intense, almost deadly rivalry, he had never taken enough notice of Sakura. But on that day, when he had seen that insane strength of hers for the first time, Kakashi had realized something important that had changed his appreciation for who she was. It was the seed from which respect had blossomed and had never ceased to grow since.

All Sakura had become in such a short time, and all she would go on to become as she mastered the Strength of a Hundred Seal, she had become not because of being born with more skills than others, not because she was from a special family or because she was incarnated into the century old rivalry between the will of fire and the curse of hatred. No, all of what she gained in skills, strength and power, she accomplished because she worked for it diligently and purposefully - in order to be able to help people.

Sakura had called him selfless last night, which made him feel even more ashamed when he thought about it now. When she was the selfless one. She was so selfless, she would even marry Sasuke in her dedication to help him, despite everything he had done to her.

"I mean…," Tsunade added, jolting him out of his thoughts that were just about to turn bitter, "you're almost double her age and were her and Sasuke's teacher. Of course she's an adult now, but it's quite scandalous if you ask me."

"I'm not double her age!" Kakashi bristled defensively.

"Whatever," Tsunade waved aside the issue tiredly. "It's not an opportune time for you to be involved in a scandal."

Scandal? This was a scandal now? Was this again about him becoming Hokage or what? She never grew tired of suggesting it, however much she might mistrust him at times. Kakashi foresaw a point in the future where he would simply cave because he would grow too tired of resisting her. Attrition was what it was called in warfare and it shouldn't come as a surprise to him that she was an expert at using it for internal affairs too.

"How's that situation with your head?" Tsunade asked.

"Unchanged," Kakashi admitted, "but I'm fully functional."

"You know your physical is coming up."

It was? He had forgotten.

"I'll be fine."

He usually did a few extra laps, push ups and the likes a day before just to make sure he was up to speed, but apart from routinely reminding him that he hadn't climbed up rocks with one hand for a while, physicals were nothing special for him.

"They want me to add additional checks on there. There's quite a bit of pressure… The Land of Water is already doing it and the Land of Lightning as well. Voluntarily, but still…"

Kakashi lifted his eyebrows questioningly. Additional checks? Like… more diverse ninjutsu? He had always thought the tests were far too easy.

"Psychological checks," Tsunade said gravely, as if it were his death sentence.

"So?" he said, slightly taken aback. "Hokage-sama, do you think I cannot pass psychological checks?"

"You tell me," Tsunade murmured. "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't pass them."

Kakashi frowned. What was she even alluding to? He had not failed a single test in his entire life.

"I think it's just another measure to keep us down," she said even more gravely, her hand sneaking towards a bottle that stood to her right. "Other nations invested quite heavily into psychological care after the War whereas we put everything into developing our core medical skills further. And who keeps coming here for treatment now? Yes, the other nations! And now they want to take the last Shinobis I have away by checking for psychological issues? I will not tolerate this!"

It all seemed a bit too dramatic to Kakashi, but today was clearly not the day to contradict the Godaime Hokage. He looked over his shoulder towards Shizune and found her listening to their conversation quite intently, as expected. She blushed to be discovered, but he winked at her to put her at ease. She probably knew more about these psychological checks, he would ask her.

If he would still be here for the physical examination.

He had lain awake at night thinking. Quite clearly, the longer he stayed in Konoha, the more difficult it became to leave. Chunin exams. Sarada's training. The physical. Sakura… There were many things, too many things he could use as an excuse to prolong his stay. Heck, he could even pretend it was all fine. Memory loss, so what? His life was pretty good as it was. He didn't remember most parts of the War? Probably a blessing. He didn't remember losing his Sharingan? No matter, he had it back now in a different form. Many shinobi were still missing after the attack with those Susanoos that shouldn't exist? Capable comrades of his were on the problem, he could just sit back and wait. Karin had dumped a child on them and had disappeared? Great, finally the Uchiha bloodline was secure.

Kakashi sighed, earning him a frown from Tsunade. He saw she had resisted the urge to drink - that was progress - and seemed to wait for him to say something.

"I… agree?" he said because he had forgotten what she had said last, but knew that agreeing was seldom wrong. Indeed, it seemed to be a sufficient answer, because Tsunade took up her grave nodding again.

Maybe he should take advantage of their current harmony and tell her whose eyes were in his head?

That thought instantly brought nausea again. Fugaku Uchiha. Of all people! As a boy, Kakashi had met him once: The displeasure of the Uchihas about him having a Sharingan had never been more visible than on that man's sour face that day.

Apparently, I don't trust her as much as I should, Kakashi thought, finding himself quite unable to open his mouth about this matter.

Was it fear? A self-protecting impulse? Or was it… Sasuke he was worried about? His gut telling him the boy was in much deeper trouble than he currently knew and telling the Hokage about the secret experiments would explode the situation in their faces?

Or is it that I don't trust myself?

"I will go talk to Sasuke now with your permission, Hokage," Kakashi said with some resolve.

"He's not here. He's at the hospital, in physical therapy," Tsunade informed him.

"Then I'll go to the Academy first to show Sarada around and come back later," Kakashi said, quickly dismissing the thought that he had the excuse he had been waiting for to go to the hospital now. The conversation he needed to have with Sasuke had to happen between them alone, not with Sakura near.

###

Sakura had done well in this morning's operation, she was pleased with herself, the patient would be back to good health in no time. And even though it had been hours, and despite of the hasty farewell this morning that had involved only one fleeting kiss, she still felt lingering happiness from waking up in Kakashi's embrace, his eyes on her face with an expression she craved to see again very soon.

I have to tell him as soon as I can how much I care, she thought shyly and squeed a little inside. Or is that… too forward?

"Women should never be the ones to make the first step", she heard some woman's voice in her head. Sounded like her grandmother. Yeah, that was about right: her grandmother's generation had thought like that. Surely, Kakashi was modern enough not to care about such conventions?

Or not. Thinking about his flabbergasted face last night made her laugh. Did he really think a kiss - and one on top of his mask at that - was such a great deal? How could a grown man and extremely skilled shinobi like him who was respected by everybody be this flustered about it?

She let herself fall into her bouncy office chair and looked at the paperwork on her desk. Hmmmm, that reminded her… her stomach did a somersault and her nether region pulsed happily at the memory what had happened on this desk not long ago. Twice.

I hope Kakashi isn't similarly distracted, she thought, it's too dangerous in his line of work.

That said… it was dangerous in her line of work too - but not for herself but her patients. Pulling a face at her own silliness, she started going through the first pile of documents. Reports, reports, reports… and... an invitation to a medical congress? In... the Land of Wind!

Excited and very curious, Sakura read through the letter that was addressed to her personally. They wanted her to speak on one of the panels! Completely mortified and super excited, Sakura put the letter next to Kakashi's ripped up message from the day before. She had pieced it back together after salvaging the bits from the bin and had carefully used sticky tape to mend it.

There was a knock at her door. Quickly, Sakura hid Kakashi's message underneath the letter and checked to clock - no, there was at least an hour until her next patient.

"Yes?" she said, "come in."

The door was pushed open resolutely. It was Sasuke. In his wheelchair, pushed by the nurse assigned to take care of him.

"Sakura," he said gravely, "I was at the hospital and wanted to see you."

Right, his physical therapy, she was informed. And she had completely forgotten.

"You can leave us," he told the nurse in an authoritative voice.

"Sakura, I understand that you are angry with me," he addressed her impatiently after the door had been closed. "I promise I will make it up to you."

Sakura realized that she was staring at him like he was some apparition. She couldn't be that surprised he had come here? But she was. It was like a part of her was hellbent to forget he even existed in her life. Angry, he had said? But she wasn't angry. She was way beyond that.

She pushed the chair back and got up.

"I'm not angry, Sasuke," she said coldly. "Anger would mean I care about you and me. I don't. Not anymore."

She had never realized before that whatever ate away at him was beginning to leave lines in Sasuke's face, furrows that spoke of his state of mind more than his mouth ever could.

"You can admit that you don't remember we got married, I know you well enough to realize such a thing straight away. Hey, I don't care. Actually, it's good. Just don't remember."

As a doctor, she should check that head of his thoroughly again, but she could not get herself to go near him at the moment. She had refused to talk to him more than absolutely necessary the day before after their return from the hospital, locking herself in the bedroom as soon as Sarada had gone to bed and everyone who had helped getting him up here had left. He could sleep on the couch or in the wheelchair, she didn't care how comfortable he was.

"Yes," he said. "It's true. I don't understand how… why…," Sasuke gestured towards his missing arm and his broken legs.

"What is it you remember?" she asked. "Something about the War maybe? No? What about… wanting to kill me? Or what about almost killing Naruto? Oh, what about wanting to destroy Konoha?"

His countenance turned even darker.

"I know I've done wrong."

"Oh, you do? For example?"

"I never acknowledged you, even though… I… I remember how kind you've always been. I appreciate it a lot, I have for a long time."

Sakura only knew how to laugh in disbelief.

"Do you really think this conversation is about my hurt pride? True, I used to be that girl. I did everything to please you. I wanted nothing else but your attention. I hoped it would turn into admiration, maybe even love someday. If I could only show you who I really was and how much you need me, you would understand!"

"I know," Sasuke said. "There were many girls like that. But you… you are the only one who is still here. You're the only one who..."

Now there was anger. Big anger.

"Just shut up!" she yelled and barely stopped herself from slamming her fist on the desk. "I'm a stupid cow, no need to remind me, but this is not about my disappointment nor is it about proving to me just how crazy I was. No… it's about finally realizing what a fool I've been to believe you would be capable of change at all!"

"Change… how do you want me to change?" He asked, still scowling heavily.

"I don't want it anymore," Sakura, forcing herself to speak more quietly. "It's useless. You are still so wrapped up in your… your hatred, it's never going to change. I give up!"

Sasuke stared at her silently, his teeth clenched.

"So… you want to punish me with… Kakashi?" he pressed out.

"What?" Sakura couldn't believe her ears. Punish him?!

"It's working. You can stop. I understand."

"I doubt that," she said as calmly as she could, "I think you understand nothing. It's like talking to someone from a different planet. I also understand now why we never really talked before. We don't speak the same language."

"You know it's him of all people I hate the most," Sasuke growled.

A chill raced down Sakura's spine. He said it like he meant it.

"I don't want to know why and when you convinced yourself that's the case," she said as calmly as possible though she felt like she was about to explode, "but Kakashi is the one person in Konoha who has always stood up for you, even when nobody else was on your side. You'd not even be allowed to set foot in this village without him."

"I deserve another chance, Sakura," Sasuke said sullenly.

"Another chance at… what exactly?"

"Let me show you… let me prove to you that I love you. The thought of you with him…"

Love her? How much she would have given to hear this from him for years. Now, it did nothing for her. It only made her angrier.

"You don't love me, Sasuke. Don't try to convince yourself just because the thought that he might be someone I'd choose over you bugs you. I'm not your possession."

"But we are married. I'm ready to honor the promise I made. This child, it's our chance. We can be a family, Sakura! I can finally restore the Uchiha name, the clan - our honor..."

There was another knock. Sasuke swallowed the rest of his words. He looked at her through his shaggy black hair with an expression that made Sakura's heart clench painfully.

"We are married," he repeated with a voice that shook. "You must have meant the world to me."

When people looked at Uchiha Sasuke, they usually saw this: the last of his once powerful clan, extremely talented, arrogant, obsessed with revenge. Feared because of the power in his eyes. Shunned because his path was shrouded in darkness.

But there was another version of Uchiha Sasuke. Not many knew of it. This version was lost. It was lonely. It craved to receive love, a mother's embrace, a father's praise, a brother's attention. Sasuke had banned that version of himself a long time ago, because the despair was so deep, he feared to get lost in it forever.

"Uchihas never cry," Sasuke had sobbed against her shoulder once, "then why can't I stop?"

"Please don't do this to me," Sasuke said. "Help me. Please help me."