Chapter 29 - Is Love Selfish?

"Hi," Sakura smiled at Kakashi.

"Hi," he murmured in response, gracing her with the briefest of cursory glances as he continued to walk just a little bit too fast for her to walk comfortably beside him.

So he was still angry with her.

That was only going to be a temporary thing, she told herself, the Kakashi she knew wasn't vindictive. And besides… she was almost dizzy with happiness about how things had turned out. Not only was she here with him, away from all her worries, Sakura also felt mighty proud of herself - one could even say smug - for thwarting his attempt to do something monumentally stupid. Tsunade was already on edge about everything these days, and that included his behavior - and he was going to leave the village without permission? The Hokage would certainly have crucified him alive!

Men and their tendencies to bottle up their worries… and then do silent, heroic acts… Sakura shook her head at them all, earning herself another cursory glance.

"Hi," she smiled at Kakashi again as a reaction.

He was the one to shake his head at her this time, looking halfway amused.

The weather was nice, not too hot, not too cold, actually just right, and they were walking along the main street leading from Konoha to the border like civil civilians. That alone would have made her happy. She was still young, of course, but in the seven years since the war, she had become used to the comforts of a normal adult life. Rushing through trees with death close behind was a memory she was little fond of.

Kakashi was hiding his unmasked face behind the purple scarf he was wearing, surely out of habit, but it didn't change the fact that for the first time since meeting him more than a decade ago, Sakura was able to catch glimpses of his entire face and its expressions all the time. And what a face it was! If she didn't believe he'd be quite sensitive about it, she would have openly studied it for her pleasure.

"You look good with brown hair," she said on a whim.

He frowned.

"You'd look good with any hair," she added, her voice suddenly a little squeaky. Making him compliments in broad daylight felt… daring.

"Sakura," Kakashi said gravely. "I'll be honest. I am not happy you're here with Sarada."

"W… why?" she asked, feeling like somebody had dumped a bucket of cold water on her. He… he didn't want her around?

"Because it's dangerous," he said, looking at the girl who was walking in front of them next to the lanky Kaeru. "Especially for her."

"Nobody will know who she is!" Sakura said defensively. She had given this some thought. Sarada was wearing a hat that hid her hair and a boy's pants and tunic underneath the travel cloak. "Well, she's our kid, that's who she is," she added.

Kakashi looked unconvinced.

"Nobody will know who you are either," she added, her eyes shifting to him again, "your disguise is very good."

"And you? It's not that you're a completely unknown person."

"Me?" Sakura's hand went up to her own hat. "I don't think I'm…"

"We should do something about your signature hair," Kakashi said. "We'll find some dye in the next bigger town."

"O… kay?" Sakura said. "Do you want to tell me what you think might endanger her?"

"The people who are after the Sharingan?"

He really was angry, she heard the edge in his voice clearly. Maybe it was not going to be only temporary. Sakura suddenly felt far less sure about her great plan.

"I thought you killed most of them that night?"

"Do you really think there won't be more?" Kakashi said quietly but she noticed he was still measuring his steps to hers.

"I… I didn't consider that," she admitted. "I just thought…"

She had just known she had to make sure Kakashi didn't become a Missing-Nin. And the prospect of staying locked up in Konoha with a child who needed guidance from someone who understood what it meant to have the Sharingan… with Sasuke in prison for hurting Kakashi in ways she could only begin to imagine...

Sakura grabbed Kakashi's hand and pressed it.

"I think we should hold hands," she said before he could even think about pulling it away. "We're mommy and daddy after all!"

"Married couples don't hold hands," he said grumpily.

"What?! My parents do all the time!"

He threw her a strange look after that that she couldn't quite read. She only pressed his hand harder, to tell him… I'm here. And you won't get rid of me so fast.

Saving him from doing stupid heroics was the one thing, but helping him in ways she had promised him was the other. She wanted to help him so very much. He had always been there for the village, from such a young age. But by doing that, he had never taken good enough care of himself. Worse: She knew what trauma looked like and however hard he might try to push it away and however clever he was with jutsu to force himself to forget… it was still there.

"It'll be alright," she said to him.

Sakura was sure he understood what she meant, there was a brief tightening of his lips, but he didn't pull his hand away.

"We're going to find Karin," he told her. "I have reason to believe she's in the Land of Water."

Sakura quickly turned away her head from him to look at Sarada's thin figure before them. Good. A child her age needed her mother, not some strangers. But…

"I don't think Karin is stable enough to care for a child," she quietly said.

"Probably not," Kakashi agreed. "But I still need to talk to her. Sarada confirmed that she knows me from earlier. I need to find out where, when… and what the circumstances were of that meeting. I need to…"

"...remember," Sakura finished Kakashi's unfinished sentence. "I promised I will help. I still mean it. But Kakashi..."

Was he aware of the fact that remembering what seemed important to understand what was going on probably meant remembering things he quite actively didn't want to remember? And that remembering those things might very well make things a lot worse for him? Healing from the kind of psychological wounds he had… it would take a very long time.

"Yes," he said. "I know."

###

"Time for the goodnight story?" Kakashi asked and smiled at Sarada who was all wrapped up in her sleeping bag with only her face sticking out.

"Yes please, uncle," Sarada said, fidgeting briefly, her voice betraying how excited she was.

It had been a long, tiring day. For someone with legs as short as Sarada's, it had been torture. She had been very brave until sometime in the afternoon when her misery could no longer be contained and she had burst into frustrated tears. Kakashi had taken her on his back after that, but the damage had already been done… bloody blisters all over her feet.

Sakura had healed the worst, but Sarada's spirit was low and didn't recover afterwards. To give her something to look forward to, Kakashi had promised he would tell her a long goodnight story. And thus, after eating grilled fish from sticks and some berries for dessert, after washing themselves perfunctory in a shallow creek, and putting out their sleeping bags under a large tree, everybody was gathered around the fire to listen to Kakashi.

Kaeru was going to take first watch afterwards, Kakashi second. He had refused vehemently to let Sakura do her share, saying she was a civilian now and had no business guarding military personnel on active duty. Sakura thought that having guards at night was overdoing it, they were still in the Land of Fire and anyway, the War was only a distant memory - but apparently, it was normal for Anbu operatives. That said, she didn't like how Kakashi and Kaeru would use hand signals that were unknown to her all through the day.

"Is something the matter?" she had asked Kakashi at one stage, but he had only shaken his head. Which could mean: no, but it could also mean: none of your business.

"So," Kakashi said and cleared her voice. "Here is a story my father used to tell me, Sarada, when I was about your age. It's a ghost story. Do you like ghost stories?"

"Yes," Sarada piped up, but Sakura frowned. Who would think telling a kid a ghost story when they were sleeping in a dark forest full of creepy sounds was a good idea?

"I don't like ghost stories," Kaeru said with a shudder. "They scare me."

"That's kinda the point," Kakashi murmured. "Ready, Sarada? The story is called Chikaramochi Yurei: Long ago an unusual farmer's wife lived in a small village, which was nestled in a remote mountain valley in the Land of Fire's Southern province. She was unusual for several reasons. For one, she had bright pink hair."

"Hey," Sakura said. "Is that in the story?"

"Shhh," Kakashi frowned at her, "quiet. One, she had pink hair. Second, fish scales were growing under her armpits where she should have had skin. Three, her nipples were so long that she could throw them over her shoulder and feed her baby while it was still nestled on her back."

"Hahaha," Kaeru laughed and threw Sakura a smirk, "I like this story after all."

"Onii-san, you cannot interrupt uncle Kakashi," Sarada said sternly.

Huh. Here were two people who had apparently grown closer in just one day, Sakura thought.

"Thank you, Sarada," Kakashi said darkly, "if they keep doing this, we won't be finished before the sun rises. So this woman, she had all these characteristics. On top of it all, she had a fourth: she was incredibly strong—it was said this farmer's wife could do the work of 4-5 grown men, all by herself."

"Oh," Sarada said, sounding impressed. Her eyes sought and found Sakura's.

"That woman is nothing like me," Sakura said quickly, least the girl thought she had fishscale on her body somewhere, "but as I told you already, Sarada, it's good to be stronger than most men. From time to time, they need to be put in their place."

"Huh," Kaeru snorted.

Sakura chose to ignore him magnanimously.

"However, sadly, even the strongest person is not invulnerable," Kakashi continued. "One winter the farmer's wife got sick with a cold and died. But the 17th day after her death, she came back as a yurei and haunted her husband until he died too. No one really knew what he did to deserve her curse, but there it was."

"Drove her nuts with his stupidity, of course," Sakura murmured, "like most men drive women nuts."

"Not everybody has extremely bad taste in men," Kaeru remarked.

"Hey!" Kakashi rebuked him sharply.

"Sorry, sorry," Kaeru said and poked a stick into the fire.

What was wrong with the frog? She had thought they had gotten along fairly well today? Sakura glared at him and got pointedly ignored.

"Please continue the story, uncle," Sarada yawned.

"For reasons nobody understood, it appeared that the woman wasn't satisfied with the death of her husband," Kakashi continued. "From time to time the woman's yurei would appear in the village and frighten people. She also caused massive mischief because as a ghost, she still had her incredible strength. Everybody was suffering. To their luck, a monk named Sakuzo stopped by the village some time later. After hearing the villagers' stories, he wondered if there might not be a hole in her grave? This, he knew, would account for her restless spirit still haunting the village even after she had killed her husband. He was not only a monk but also a shaman, you know. The villagers went to check, and sure enough... there was a deep hole burrowed into her grave! Working together, the filled the hole and covered it with a large stone."

Here Kakashi made a little pause and checked whether Sarada's eyes were still open. They were… though barely.

"This wasn't the solution they were hoping for though, although it did have a strange effect. The woman's grudge transferred to Sakuzo and almost immediately she began to torment him as much as she had her husband. Suffering immensely, Sakuzo made a pilgrimage to a nearby shrine that he knew, and borrowed a famous sword kept there. The sword was known to be a talisman against yurei with ghost-quelling powers. Sakuzo kept the sword by his side constantly for an entire year, and indeed, was no longer troubled by the woman's vengeful spirit. Satisfied that he had broken the curse, he returned the sword to the shrine."

"Oh no," Sarada murmured sleepily.

"Exactly!" Kakashi nodded. "Ghosts are not that easy to get rid of! He should have known better! Anyway. Thinking this ghost business finished, Sakuzo began his journey home along a steep mountain pass. He had not walked long when he felt some strange presence coming up behind him. He did not even have time to react before he was lifted bodily off the ground, and thrown 10 meters over the edge of the road and into the mountain valley below. The impact rendered him unconscious, and Sakuzo lay bleeding, looking as though he was dead. The farmer's wife was apparently satisfied thinking she had killed Sakuzo, and with that her yurei vanished, never to be seen again. That's it."

"What?" Sakura frowned. "That's a stupid story. So why did she do it? First the husband, then the village, then the monk?"

"I don't know," Kakashi shrugged, "the story doesn't tell us. Besides, do women need reasons? She was simply… vengeful."

"That makes no sense. That husband of hers," Sakura complained, "what did he do to her? Cheat? Maybe all the villagers knew and didn't help her? And the monk… the monk..."

"I think she was just very sad," Sarada said, still with her eyes closed. "Because she died before she could have a baby."

"Why kill him over that though," Kaeru mused. "Wasn't exactly his fault she died."

"Maybe she had to because somebody forced her," Sarada said with a little whimper.

And then, while all three grown ups mulled over the depth of her words and the ocean of emotions behind them, she pressed her eyes shut really tightly and fell asleep within seconds as if she willed herself to.

"That girl has seen horrible things to think like that," Kaeru sighed and got up. "Kakashi Sensei, I will take first watch now. I will wake you past midnight."

"Thank you," Kakashi nodded. "Don't hesitate to wake me anytime you think it's necessary. Good night," he said with another nod towards Sakura and walked over to his sleeping bag.

"Good night, Kakashi," she said, swallowing down her disappointment. She had hoped for something else. Something more. But of course… there was no privacy at all here. And he had other worries, like getting enough sleep.

When she turned around, she caught Kaeru watching her with huge displeasure plastered all over his features before he turned around and stomped away with an angry huff.

She wouldn't have it.

"What's your problem?" Sakura ran after Kaeru and challenged him in a low voice. They were now standing in the forest, where he would scale a tree to have a good view of the surroundings. The light of the fire didn't reach much further than this. It was sufficient to show her how the young man's sullen expression turned outright sour.

"Leave him alone."

"Huh?"

"Kakashi Sensei. Leave him alone."

What the…

"What do you even mean?" she hissed at him, pulling him further into the trees. No need to have Kakashi worried.

"I swear, if you hurt him, I will not let it pass."

Sakura was so surprised, she could only stare at him wordlessly for a few moments.

"Did you just threaten me?" she asked when she found her voice again.

"No," Kaeru shook his head. "But I will protect him whatever it takes. I owe him more than my life and I will not let anybody harm him."

"Harming him is far from my mind," Sakura frowned, "I don't know what's wrong with your head to think I might."

"Oh yeah? Well, here is what I reckon," the young Anbu said, his face showing pure anger. "You married the Uchiha, as far as I know against all good counsel from every single person in the village. You meet Kakashi Sensei again after many years and he tickles your fancy because he's so kind and attentive, quasi the opposite of that other man. In the Uchiha's absence, you selfishly let yourself become someone he wants to care for and protect, without even once thinking about what he wants or needs. Then the Uchiha gets back and with him the whole goddamn mess of his cursed Clan and what happens? Kakashi Sensei is the selfless one that cleans up that mess, at a very high cost for himself. And you?"

Sakura felt anger, nay fury rise inside of her, but she fought hard to contain it.

"You keep on blaming me for things related to the Uchihas, why? It's my problem that I married someone from that clan, not yours. But their history… is as much yours as it is mine. It's Konoha's business. We all have to live with the guilt… and the sad legacy of their kekkei genkai."

"If you had borne your husband children like it's considered a wife's duty, Kakashi Sensei would not have had to get involved with experiments that jeopardize his life."

Sakura slapped the young man, extra hard. With a grunt of pain, he went down on one knee, but quickly straightened himself.

"This is the only time I will let you hit me," Kaeru pressed out, holding his cheek. "This, all of this is about the bloodline of the Uchihas that needs to be preserved, you know it even if you don't admit it. Too many people have been hurt, it has to stop. And there's that little girl now, so it can stop."

So he knows she's an Uchiha! Sakura thought with a shudder. It is that obvious?

"You leave Sarada out of this," she said with emphasis. "She has no fault at all."

"I would never hurt a little girl," Kaeru laughed bitterly, "I will protect her with my life if necessary. But you… you are making me very angry. I didn't quite understand what was going on with Kakashi Sensei lately before seeing you make eyes at him today. But now I do know and I do not approve. Leave him alone! He doesn't need someone who just uses him temporarily to forget a bad marriage."

Using him?!

"I am not…" she bristled.

"I guess it's your choice whether you want children with that man or not," Kaeru interrupted her curtly. "But I will not allow your selfishness to make my Sensei's life even harder than it is. You know why? Because Kakashi Sensei deserves better. He deserves someone who only loves him. Someone who devotes himself to him fully. Someone who makes him happy."

And with that Kaeru stomped away and soon wasn't to be seen in the darkness of the forest.

No, I will not cry, Sakura told herself, dammit.

Staring into the darkness with eyes that stung, Sakura had to realize that part of what Kaeru had confronted her with made her feel so awful because it was true. A young, silly woman struggling in a failing marriage wasn't what Kakashi needed in his life. But the part of her that was angry and was still getting angrier refused to accept that this was the only thing she could be for him.

She wanted to be the one to make him feel better. She wanted to chase away the shadows darkening his life. She wanted to be the one to make him happy.

Kakashi's words... He had not quite been himself when they had spilled out of him, but she had been thinking about them incessantly nonetheless. I love you, I love you so much. Please. Please, Sakura. You must get away from me, do you hear me? Everyone I have ever cared for had to die.

She had begun to doubt that he had really said her name. And even if he had said her name, had he really meant to address her? She knew that there was another woman he carried in his heart. She knew her name: Rin.

I love you, I love you so much.

Love… whom?

And then, Ino's words came to her: But you can't fall in love with him. That would get much too messy. Standing here in the dark forest, she finally understood their meaning. Falling in love, yearning for love in turn, creating ties... it was like a promise for the future. Only, she had already promised somebody else to be there for him for the rest of their lives. Foolishly, maybe. But did such a promise not create ties that could not easily be cut?

Selfishness was to not make a choice. But making a choice was hard... too hard. Because whatever choice she made, it was going to hurt someone she cared for.

###

"Kakashi. Kakashi, I need to ask you something. Kakashi we need to talk!" Sakura knelt down next to his still and bundled up form in the sleeping bag short of shaking him awake.

"Talk?" he opened his eyes. He had removed the contacts he wore as Sukea and the purple patches from around his eyes and she also saw the brown wig on the ground with his clothes. "Why are you not sleeping," he added and yawned extensively.

"It's important."

"It's cold, put some more clothes on or you won't be able to fall asleep later with a low body temperature," he lectured her.

It was true, the temperature had dropped by quite a few degrees since dinner and the fire was burning very low. She felt a shiver start to build somewhere on her body.

"Okay, I'm awake," he said quietly, "what is it. Please don't wake Sarada, she needs a lot of rest."

"I want to know whether you meant it," Sakura said before she could lose the courage to ask him.

"Meant what?" Kakashi frowned. He was looking particularly cute with the sleeping bag forming a cocoon around him and Sakura moved a little closer to put a hand on his cheek on impulse. The way he snuggled into that made her inside turn to goo.

"The… the thing you said, the night before at the hospital."

He looked a bit confused, then shook his head. "No idea what I said. Sorry, I wasn't in good shape. It won't happen anymore, I have it under control."

What? No!

"That's not… that's not what is important! You said… you said…" but for whatever reason, she couldn't repeat his words back to him. Chicken!

"Sorry, I need to sleep," Kakashi yawned, "or tomorrow will be a difficult day. You want to lie next to me? Or…" she heard the sound of the zipper being opened, "you want to warm up in here?"

"Are you…," her eyes grew round at the sight of skin, "sleeping naked?!"

"Yes," Kakashi sighed, "I forgot to bring pijamas. I'm cold."

So it wasn't selfish if she took him up on his offer, wasn't it. They would both be warm. It was maybe a little selfish that she felt great pleasure imagining Kaeru's outrage when he found them in the same sleeping bag.

"Is there even enough space?" she murmured as she slid herself in next to him.

"Yes," Kakashi yawned, "somebody designed these sleeping bags exactly for this kind of skinship."

"What?" she giggled.

"It gets lonely on long missions," he whispered.

"You…!" she was trying to turn in outrage at such a frivolity, but that wasn't possible since he had already closed the sleeping bag again, blocking out the cold air and making sudden movements difficult. His body was warm, solid and… naked.

"Good night," she said, turned on her side and closed her eyes, determined to think only of what he needed, which was, most certainly... sleep?

Her body had a mind of its own though. It reacted to the closeness and the warmth with growing anticipation. Her heart rate increased, his regular breath near her ear made goosebumps spring up all over her body. And she grew wet. Very wet.

"Is there something you want, Haruno?" he whispered.

"N… no," she lied with her mouth watering at the mere thought of those lips that did the whispering, "you said you needed to sleep."

"Yes," he whispered. "I really do."

He licked the rim of her ear very slowly, his tongue tickling and teasing its way down to her neck. Sakura shuddered violently. And then, his fingers brushed against her nipples ever so lightly through her top, sending electric shock waves through her body and straight between her legs.

"Hhhhhhmmmng," she moaned, muffling the sound against the fabric of the sleeping bag.

His fingers slipped into her pants and reached the throbbing place between her legs. She pushed eagerly against them, rocking her hips back and forth for friction, feeling him grow hard behind her. Was this selfish? She would not lie, she enjoyed sleeping with him, a lot. But didn't he too? She had also brought birth control pills on this trip. Selfish? Certainly not.

"Lift your leg a little," he whispered. So he was an expert at this?

Sakura briefly wondered whether she wanted to know about who had kept him company on long lonely missions, but he had pulled down her pants and was pushing into her slowly from behind, in an angle that stimulated all the right places. She bit down on her fist, but when he flicked her knob with his index finger she moaned loudly before adding a tortured "dammit, noisy".

He stopped, laughing silently at her shoulder and then resumed his work. Very slow, shallow strokes. So good.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," she said very soon, trying to keep her voice down, beginning to clench around him, "don't stop, don't stop, don't…"

"Hmmmm," he growled as he continued, "you're such a turn on."

"You can finish if you want," Sakura whispered, "you know, if you need to sleep…"

"Don't want," he answered curtly, keeping up his slow, steady rhythm that soon brought her to the brink again. After her second orgasm, he changed the angle and pushed in deeper and a little faster. It felt incredibly good. Maybe he was using chakra. Everything hummed in her nether regions, with waves of pleasure washing over her in ever shorter intervals.

He clamped his hand over her mouth at one point to muffle her cries, but she couldn't help it. Selfish? Yes. She couldn't stop herself from feeling this pleasure, wanting more of this pleasure and shouting out this pleasure.

"Okay, now I'm warm," he said quite a while later after finally allowing himself to finish too, redoubling her pleasure with the satisfied sound he made when he reached his peak, hugging her to his chest afterwards.

"Did you like it?" Sakura wanted to know.

"Can't you tell?" he asked back.

But maybe she couldn't quite with him. Maybe she assumed things about him, because of who he was that were not even true. He had depths that she had not known about in her youth, was it not likely he had depths she didn't know about now? Depths and secrets.

"I want to be sure," she said. Selfish? Yes.

"I liked it."

That was… it?

"Am I…"

"I am not going to compare you to other women, you insecure ninny," Kakashi said, guessing exactly what she had wanted to ask. "You are gorgeous to look at, wonderful to touch and great in bed. And great in the shower, on the desk and in the sleeping bag, everywhere."

"I'm… great?" she giggled, feeling herself turn red from a mixture of sudden shyness and giddy joy.

"If I didn't have to take over from Kaeru in… about 3 hours, I would make love to you again right now," he said.

"O...kay," Sakura said, grinning even more broadly. "Me too. Me too, I can't get enough of you and you are… stunningly skilled at… making me feel… so good. Oh god," she sighed, mortified, "I'm sounding so corny."

"A little," he chuckled. "You're cute."

But do I make you happy? Maybe even that thought was selfish. There was a lot going on in his life, how could she even think she had a connection to his happiness? Yesterday, he had been ready to leave the village for an indefinite time. Without her.

"I'm sorry it's so late now," Sakura sighed. "Maybe we can rest a little longer over lunchtime and you can catch some more sleep?"

"Maybe," Kakashi said. "But I'd prefer to press on, I'll carry Sarada. I can function for a long time without any sleep."

"Stop it," she said, "you're a human, not a machine."

"Sadly, yes," he sighed. "Humans need to eat. And they need new shoes for the kid, they're too small for her. Did you bring money?"

"Yes," Sakura said. But not a lot.

"We'll tackle that issue tomorrow," he said and yawned again. "Maybe Kaeru has some too, though I doubt it."

"I'll go get my own sleeping bag," she informed him.

"Shame," he pouted.

"Kaeru doesn't approve of you and me," she informed Kakashi, "I don't want to make him even angrier just now."

"Was he impolite again?"

"No… Well, yes. But don't say anything, please. I'll sort it out myself."

"Alright," Kakashi sighed. "Kaeru has a temper and can get a little intense. But he's someone I'd trust with my life anytime."

"Yeah… and he's obviously ready to give his for yours anytime," Sakura murmured, "what's his story?"

"Hm," Kakashi said evasively, "maybe I will tell you some other time."

Depths and secrets.

Sakura settled down next to Kakashi, snuggling up to him in her own cocoon.

"Don't feel pressured," he whispered, almost like an afterthought, "I don't expect anything of you. Just stay well, Sakura. My biggest fear…"

...is to have those you care for die.

"Don't you know how strong I am?" Sakura chuckled. "But if I die, I promise I will make sure to come back and haunt you as a vengeful ghost."

"What consolation," he sighed and moved his body a little closer.

"Kakashi," Sakura said. "Kakashi, I want you to know… I'm not just using you to forget my failing marriage."

"What consolation," he said again and chuckled softly until his breath became deep and regular and he had fallen asleep.